Ladies and Gentlemen –
Please don’t despair dear readers
I know for many of you out there this season has been like waiting for grandma’s new teeth to come in the mail, there is anticipation, excitement and the relief that you won’t have to listen to her whistle while she chews her food.
But then the mail arrives and the damn things don’t fit her gums and the clacking and smacking sound of her “new” teeth chattering together is worse than last years whistling.
I can’t make it better for you right now, but I will bring you some Sunshine today.
Your Week 5 College Football Picks are ready for you….
You Are Welcome
Enjoy Your Games…..
Weekend Rewind…..
I don’t know which is worse, the fact I picked Kansas last week or Virginia Tech’s Turkeys laying an egg on my weekly picks. But that aside Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was an uncharacteristic 44 and 15 or 75% last week, leaving The CFB Wizard at 231 and 53 or 81% after four weeks into the season.
Not that many of you are remotely interested, but in the event that you are……
But our “Guest Picker” last week James “Hootie” Snitch of Baneberry Tennessee went 2 and 4 with a percentage of well, oddly enough about the same average as he graduated high school with at Baneberry.
That being said, it’s time to tighten our chin straps here at The CFB Wizard Headquarters and get back in the game, we have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it.
THE CFB WIZARD EMAIL Q And A
Q: What in the damn hell is going on with Tennessee?????
You got any good news for me Mister Wizard?
Damn it
Sincerely-
Richard and Tammy – Harriman, Tennessee
A: I do have some good news for the Volunteer Nation.
Due to the excessive amount of turnovers from last week’s game with Florida, that lone statistical figure came to the attention of a major corporation and has resulted in a huge sponsorship for the remainder of the season in Pillsbury Popup Turnovers.
I have on good authority that the Butterfinger Candy Company was also interested, but the sponsorship was turned down as it was determined that there wasn’t enough room on the wrapper for Fat Phil Fulmer’s face.
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
I have a hypothetical question for you that I am asking for a friend.
Say for example a “team” that a person once coached is really doing poorly what would you say the odds are of the university bringing him back even though he is advanced in years? O yeah I almost forgot; let’s say they have a statue of him there too.
Is that possible?
Asking for a friend
Hobby Howden – Tallahassee, Florida
A: Coach isn’t it time for your shuffle board game at the home to start?
Q: Where in the damn heel is our U FITE! We domne ordered that thing two damn months ago and it ain’t here yet! We even order us one for our baby girl “walnut” we nicknamed her that cause she got a head like a walnut, that makes three of em we gots and they ain’t here!
Where is they??????
Angel and Skeeter White – Trash Dump, Tennessee
A: Thank you for the kind, and well crafted email question.
As was mentioned in an article two weeks ago, due to fire at the U FITE factory in South Carolina and subsequent damage to the upstart factory relocation in Hurricane Florence we regret the delay of the deliveries of U FITE has been delayed further.
However in regards to your order, our records indicate that you cannot purchase one or even three U FITE’s with Food Stamps and those items will be returned to you by our marketing staff once we stop laughing.
Q: I hope you print this letter this week!
Before I praise the University of Missouri I have a quick story for you.
My left hand was taken from me in a childhood accident when I was a mere nine years old. My older brother Andy was conducting an experiment with a model airplane, a stick of butter and a chain saw (doomed to say the least).
I have endured many obstacles in life and one of my only solaces is the warm feeling of water cascading across my stub (I’ve nicknamed him Slappy)
So upon arriving at my very first Missouri Tiger home game last week what do you think I saw when arrive at the men’s room in the beautiful stadium?
There was a dispenser affixed near the sink that simply said “Hand Soap”
Can you imagine my surprise!!!!!
I was overwhelmed with emotion that the University of Missouri would be so sensitive to those of us with such a specific disability!!!!
It didn’t say “HANDS” soap, no; it said “Hand Soap”
Despite what happened on the field against the University of Georgia, I think we are ALL winners AND National Champions when we approach life in this manner.
Arthur – Springfield, Missouri
A: I was going to say something about Tennessee and “The Toothbrush” here ….
But I think I’ve beaten them up enough already.
However I cannot comment on the other, without laughing like a drunken lemur monkey
Q: Dear Sir
May I ask when you will give proper coverage and respect to the Elite Ivy League this season? We have a reputation and history in athletic competition that is without equal amongst the other member institutions within the NCAA.
We are of the belief that once you embrace the culture of Ivy League football you will be forever changed and your outlook as to the respect of the other universities teams and conferences will come to the appropriate conclusion.
Thank you
Sincerely
Reginald (Yale 1990) – Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: Let me break this down for you Reggie so “your outlook as to the respect of the other universities teams and conferences will come to the appropriate conclusion.”
None of your “football teams” in the Ivy League could beat Hoover High School in Alabama and not to rub salt in the wound, but your marching bands suck too.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
KENTUCKY: Who was the ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the entire country to pick the Wildcats in an “Upset” last week?
The CFB Wizard that’s who, so where is the love Big Blue Nation?
“IF” I don’t start getting a little thank you from you people then I will arrange “this” as the announcer for your next game.
OHIO STATE: For those of you that missed the post game news conference last week with Coach Urban Meyer or even the pregame festivities as the home crowd celebrated the return of “their” Coach I have provided some brief snippets for you.
VIRGINIA TECH: You bunch of Damn Turkeys……
HEISMAN WATCH: You can talk of your quarterbacks, running backs and stellar receivers and other such players.
But at this point in the season there is only one player that not only carries his respective team and leads the nation in his statistical category but is poised to break the long standing NCAA record for most yards (ever).
That is the punter for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.
When the Cornhuskers aren’t turning the ball over to the opposition this young man is punting over and over again throughout the game and will no doubt break the NCAA single season record for punting yardage and that may friends is why he should be in the Heisman discussion.
KANSAS: Back to the cellar you go Cinderella………
I can’t believe I actually picked you last week
TEXAS A&M: Well there is that……
DUKE: The Blue Devils are undefeated……
Let that one sink in for a minute……
I hope you recognize that’s one of the first signs of the coming apocalypse
ST. OLAF: The Ollie’s are UNDEFEATED that’s right you read it correctly.
Who predicted such madness?
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, that’s who.
You are Welcome America
CENTRAL FLORIDA: I watched the game last week against Florida Atlantic.
Do you really have to bring your own damn referees to the games too?
Targeting and Roughing the passer…..Nothing to see here.
Intentional Grounding…..Nope, nothing let’s move along
I have seen better officiating at Pop Warner games.
DELTA STATE: Damn it Okra……Damn it.
THE GAMES
Thursday 27 September
North Carolina at Miami
Well I suppose it is still Hurricane season …..
HURRICANES 28-21
Lindsey Wilson at Presbyterian
I knew a girl in one school I went too named Lindsey Wilson….
She always said she was going to marry a rich man, I guess she was right
BLUE HOES 34-10
Friday 28 September
Memphis at Tulane
Another “Big” game in the whatever it’s called conference…..
Isn’t Live PD on now on the A&E Channel at the same time?
ELVIS’S TIGERS 41-24
UCLA at Colorado
I can hardly wait to see Wynonna Judd race on to the field in Boulder with her hooves all painted and her back hair washed and brushed to a high sheen.
It’s awe inspiring, really.
WYNONNA’S 44-14
Rhode Island at Harvard
I cannot in good conscience support any team or state whose entire premise is based upon a lie. It’s NOT an island it’s a damn isthmus you bunch of lying jack a lopes. Nor can I support an institution more known for its dreadlock wearing protesting safe space inhabiting sissy’s than their prowess on the football field.
With that description of the upcoming “contest” let me say this….
I HOPE THEY BOTH LOSE
Saturday 29 September
U LA LA at Alabama
I won’t belabor the point there……
CRIMSON TIDE 38-0 (At the Half)
Syracuse at Clemson
The Orangemen shocked the Tigers last year in New York….
No such surprises this week
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17
West Virginia at Texas Tech
Despite playing an “Away” game the smell of smoldering burning couches will drift far into the Morgantown night as the celebrations continue.
Good times….
MOUNTAINEERS 41-24
Central Michigan at Michigan State
This will be closer than you might think….
I’m just saying
SPARTANS 31-21
Indiana at Rutgers
Another “big” game in the “Big Ten” (Something or another number) Conference
When these two teams square off it’s like watching two old people fight over a game of checkers at the assisted living facility. At first it’s kind of funny, and then it’s just sad.
HOOTERS 21-17
Arkansas at Texas A&M
You don’t want to hear it……
But this game is going to be uglier than watching a Hillbilly try to count out change.
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17
University of Rhode Island North East (URINE) at Hampshire
I say let the Urine Flow……..
YELLOW SNOW 23-10
Army at Buffalo
The Black Knights almost (Almost) knocked off Mighty Oklahoma last weekend….
They will destroy the city of Buffalo in a coordinated attack this Saturday.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 34-21
Oklahoma State at Kansas
Before this game is over the Jayhawks will feel like they were on a date with Zack Smith
(Too Soon?)
COWBOY UP! 45-10
Temple at Boston College
I don’t care and neither should you….
CHESTNUTT HILL EAGLES 31-17
Bowling Green at Georgia Tech
When board and frustrated to tears over the Yellow Jackets performance on the football field might I suggest a short trip across campus to the original “Varsity” that only has the best chili dogs and hand cut French fries in the entire world.
You are Welcome
RAMBLING WRECK 33-28
Virginia at North Carolina State
“Doc” the Black Lab says go with the pack in this one….
WOLFPACK 28-14
Massachusetts at Ohio
The Minute Men are a Minute Late for the season already……
FRANKS’S CATS 33-10
Carson Newman at Catawba
I had a Catawba once on my foot; it took ten damn days before it cleared up….
I can’t support a school named after such a thing
EAGLES 33-21
Tennessee at Georgia
There is absolutely nothing I can say to Volunteer fans to make this sound better….
So I will just give you the truth, no chaser….
You are going to get your asses kicked between your shoulder blades
SMART DAWGS 45-14
Baylor at Oklahoma
Dear Baylor Please See above and substitute “Bears” for “Volunteers”
You are welcome
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 51-14
Pittsburgh at Central Florida
From what I witnessed last week….
You can’t play against Central Florida AND their damn referees
GOLDEN REFEREES 41-24
Texas at Kansas State
I am not “Officially” on the Longhorn Bandwagon just yet….
But they do get “The Pick” this week
LONGHORNS 33-17
Cincinnati at Connecticut
This game is what the Staff here at The CFB Wizard like to call “Filler”
BEARKATS 28-14
Coastal Carolina at Troy
I say……
ALL HAIL THE MEN OF TROY 33-28
South Alabama at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers scored 72 points last Saturday…….
They won’t reach that this week, but they will “Win”
MOUNTAINEERS 41-24
Rice at Wake Forest
I don’t know if you are aware of this…..
But I really like rice pudding.
Which ironically has the same consistency of toughness as the universities football team.
DEMON DEACONS 35-10
Purdue at Nebraska
I know, I know it’s insane……
But I am picking them anyway
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-28
Florida State at Louisville
Two teams trying to find their identity….
You know like that Bruce Jenner guy, gal, whatever….
SEMI-COLONS 24-21
Southern Miss at Auburn
Closer than you might think, way closer……
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-21
South Dakota State at North Dakota State
This game is always (always) fierce between to hostile border neighbors….
It’s in Beautiful Fargo, so……
MIGHTY BISON 34-28
Tennessee State at Vanderbilt
The Battle for Music City……
Not that it’s all that important but I never liked Garth Brooks
COMMODORES 38-14
Nevada at Air Force
Damn it Air Force…….
Deliver this week; you are killing my weekly average
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-31
Arkansas Pine Bluff at Florida International
I hope the Boys from Arkansas enjoy the beach while in Florida, because that’s all they are getting out of this trip besides an ass whipping.
PANTHERS 44-10
Harding at Arkansas Monticello
I know, I know…..
Harding is favored in this game.
But much like the great Bo Jackson, I know Weevils….
BO’S WEEVILS 33-31
Michigan at Northwestern
I don’t know all that much about cats….
But these wildcats seem to be stuck in the litter box
JIM’S WOLVERINES 41-21
Florida at Mississippi State
This game is a complete toss up to me……
It’s at Stark-Vegas so I am going with “More Cow Bell”
JOE DOGS 33-17
Utah at Washington State
I am going “Upset Special” on this one…..
Not that any of us really care
MIKE’S CATS 34-33
Arkansas State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Statesboro are rolling and the Red Dogs of Arkansas are sliding….
“Yes” dear friends sometimes it’s just that simple
FREE BIRDS 34-17
Virginia Tech at Duke
I cannot for the life of me, believe I am actually making this pick…..
BLUE DEVILS 33-24
Houston Baptist at Southern Methodist
One denomination dunks and the other sprinkles……
The only thing you can count on is there won’t be any lack of water at this one
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 44-10
Arkansas Tech at Ouachita Baptist
Speaking of “Dunking”…….
I believe Tech is in for a good ole fashioned Baptism of fire this week….
GOTCHA BAPTIST 34-20
Valdosta State at Mississippi College
Nope not even going to be close……
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-10
St Olaf at Hamline
In the immortal words of that tremendous 1990’s urban philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“No it’s NOT Hammy Time”
Why you may ask?
Because St. Olaf is “2 Legit to Quit”
OLLIE’S 33-17
Boise State at Wyoming
Broncos and Cowboys……
If you threw in Clint Eastwood, then I might watch this one
BRONCO’S 34-24
Hawaii at San Jose State
I cannot in good conscience say anything funny or demeaning about the island of Hawaii
(It’s an Alabama thing)
ROLL RAINBOWS ROLL 44-10
Iowa State at Texas Christian
Although I have jumped off the Frogs Bandwagon and nearly sprained my ankle in the process, “Doc” the Black Lab is still, even though he doesn’t quite have the name right.
HORNED DOGS 31-28
Ohio State at Penn State
This is the marquee game of the week……
The Lions are underdogs at Home
And that’s good enough for me
NITTANY LIONS 33-31
Stanford at Notre Dame
This Old college football rivalry is played each year for the “Legends Trophy”
As interesting as this all sounds…..
I’ll be watching LSU and Ole Miss (Sorry)
CARDINAL 34-28
Brigham Young at Washington
“Doc” the Black Lab can’t even look at me right now after making this pick….
COUGARS 33-31
Eastern Washington at Montana State
Ahhhhhhhh Big Sky Country in the Fall……
BOBCATS 33-31
South Carolina at Kentucky
It’s going to be close……..
Damn close
GAMECOCKS 24-23
Marshall at Western Kentucky
Nothing against the people who like to Top Hills…..
But……
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-33
North Alabama at Campbell
I was caught unaware that the Soup People had their own college….
Who knew…
FLORENCE LIONS 33-10
Montana at California Poly
I was asked this week by The CFB Wizard Staff to “something” nice about California….
I’ll get back with you; I am still working on it.
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-28
Ole Miss at LSU
They call this Old South rivalry “The Magnolia Bowl”
There is nothing sweet about it, believe that
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-31
Oregon State at Arizona State
There was a something about this game I thought was important…
Then I realized I was mistaken
HERMAN’S DEVILS 38-14
Oregon at California
I guess this is “suppose” to be a big matchup in that Conference with Safe Spaces….
Yippee.
QUACKERS 41-28
Southern California at Arizona
The LSU Tigers and the Ole Miss Col Sanders, Foam Rubber Black Bears and Foam Rubber Land Sharks are still playing so, sorry.
TROJANS 38-10
Chattanooga at East Tennessee State
This rivalry in East Tennessee is played for “The Rail” in celebration of the railroads that once ran through the state. I was opting for something more “current” like say….
“The Corrupt Local Government Trophy”
Just saying…..
MIGHTY MOC’S 34-28
Trine at Hope
I am Trine to believe that Hope wins out….
HOPE 21-17
West Florida at Delta State
O.k. this is it…..
I am not joking around
I know (You know) you are underdogs in this one….
But damn it it’s time to rise up and make people remember why they should…
FEAR THE OKRA 33-31
Next Week…..
As you loyal readers have come to expect, your Week 6 College Football Picks will be on the Website next Thursday along with yet another surprise or two for your entertainment and enjoyment.
So Stay Tuned….
One More Thing….
Although there won’t be a “new” story on Mikerights.com until next week, “Doc” the Black Lab and I appreciate you reading my stories.
Have a good weekend and be good to yourself and those around you.
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD