College Football Picks Week 3

September 11, 2014
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Due to some technical issues here at the farm, I am sending your weekly picks out this week from the closest location to me with an internet connection.

The local funeral home….

I don’t like the way everyone is smiling and looking at me here

It’s giving me the creeps; let’s get to the picks in case they know something I don’t.

Weekend Rewind

Last weekend Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator….

(Despite picking all but one “Upset Special”)

Was a rather disappointing 53 and 11 or 85% for Week 2 of the College Football Season

That leaves The CFB Wizard at 115 and 20 or 85% after two weeks

I know what many of you are saying….

“That’s NOT a very good score this early in the season”

I wouldn’t argue that point, but unlike the Michigan Wolverines last week…

At least I did score

Enjoy Your Picks…

EMAIL(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

This email and subsequent correspondence you have received via registered mail constitute a “cease and desist” notification from the NCAA in reference to any references either inferred or implied regarding Native American culture, mascots (past and present) and the narrative and or the images used thereof.

Respectfully – The NCAA

A: Gosh, why do you all want to be such “Indian givers”?

Here I was out “scalping” tickets when I received this notification and now I am just thinking that you are all just “off the reservation” on this point of contention.

How do you like that response Speech Nazis?

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

I have a question for you

The Baptists have a lot of colleges, the Methodist has a college and so do the Roman Catholics and even Nazarenes and Presbyterians have universities.

Why don’t the Jehovah’s Witnesses have a college?

Tammy – Birmingham, Alabama

A: Because they always have to play unannounced away games

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC Country!!!

It’s been a great weekend for football here in Telfair County as our Gridiron Gladiators traveled to Wrightsville, Ga to take on the Trojans of Johnson County, home of former Georgia Bulldog great Hershel Walker. The Boys in Blue had their hands full with these homestanding Trojans and went into halftime down by one after a missed extra point in the 2nd quarter.

After a back and forth battle in the trenches, the denizens of South 3rd finally punched in the go ahead touchdown and capped it off with the 2 point conversion with less than 5 minutes left in the ball game. Johnson County rallied but missed an extra point of their own as Telfair hung on for the 21-20 win. Coach Burleson put the load squarely on QB Ian Blankenship’s shoulders and he responded with a big time performance. Next up for Telfair are the Vikings of Treutlan County in another non-region matchup at the cozy confines of South Third here in McRae. Let’s have a big crowd down there to fire these boys up!!!

Up in Athens, Coach Mark Richt and the Red Clay Hounds took a little break in order to prepare for those Piedmont Pullets of South Click. I’m sure that the coaching staff has been into the little smart pill machine in order to come up with a game plan to de-feather these chickens and continue on their road to an SEC East title.

Down in the Big Easy, the Slide Rule Jocks had it harder than they anticipated in the first half against the Green Wave of Tulane. Turnovers hurt and a D that gave up long drives kept the game close until the 4th quarter in which a late blocked field goal led to a quick TD that put the Bees in a more comfortable situation. Next up for the Jackets are those Blue Birds of Prey from Statesboro who looked impressive with an 83-9 victory over the Kittens of Savannah State.

This game marked the dawn of a new era at the Prettiest Little Stadium in America, as the Eagles played for the first time at home as a member of the Sun Belt Conference. They represented the conference well as they ran up close to 700 yards of total offense, with almost 600 yards of that coming on the ground. I’m sure Head Coach Willie Fritz and the Angry Birds are chomping at the bit to put a dent in the Wreck’s season as they take travel to Grant Field for this in-state skirmish. Here’s hoping the Jackets know all the words to Statesboro Blues by Saturday.

Things I think…….

Did our Dawgs outsmart themselves with the bye week? After the disaster in the Palmetto State to start the season, Steve Spurrier’s Yard Birds may have found a little much needed confidence in next week’s border dispute at Williams-Brice

The B1G what? Our northern brethren seem to have taken a turn for the worst as Nebraska eked, the Buckeyes reaked, and the Michigan D leaked. And Michigan State didn’t do so good themselves. So much for the impending disaster with the playoffs because of Braxton Miller’s untimely injury. Strength of schedule is going to doom any hopes of a playoff representative from up North.

As I stated last week, I watched the SEC Network and Paul Finebaum.

It dawned on me as I watched recently, though, that Mr Finebaum is not the fine, upstanding individual that I thought he was. He thrives on making us look like bumbling, frothing fools for his pleasure and capitalizes on that by inciting callers to “rant” so that he can smugly put them on display for his amusement.

In other words, he thinks he’s “better’n us.” Don’t call yourself a Southerner and then throw those who aren’t as sophisticated into the spotlight for others to look down upon. That’s what “they” do north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Tiny Division II Tusculum College up in Greeneville, TN put on a show which may never be repeated by holding College of Faith to minus 100 yards total offense in a 71-0 rout of the Saints. To put this in perspective, College of Faith is an online university. Guess they shouldn’t stick with the virtual practices any more.

 It was a bittersweet time for the Haynesworth clan this week as I said goodbye to my youngest son. He decided to take my oldest son up on an offer and move to Texas for some bigger and better things. I hate to see him go but I can hardly blame him. It’s hard to keep young people in small towns like McRae, or Alma, or Eastman, and places like that. Not much opportunity there unless you have some money or own a business. I hope he does well and always remembers that me and Mrs. Haynesworth love him and the rest of the young’uns dearly and he always has a place to come back to. I’m going to miss that boy.

Well, That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

 
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

TENNESSEE: After the Volunteers “big” win at the beginning of the year in Knoxville over the Phoenix on-line College….

I received this picture in an email from a fan in Florida….

It’s too funny not to share…

UTwins

THE BIG TEN: We have already established that you can’t count….

So I don’t know why I expected you all to be able to play football too.

ESPN: When did you stop showing the scores of other games at the bottom of the screen? Nobody wants to see (or cares) about the Quarterback or Receiving statistics!!!!!!!!

NO-BODY…..SO STOP IT!

Bad enough we don’t see the Marching Bands at halftime and now THIS!

Stop the Super Statistical Geek Foolishness, I mean it……

VIRGINIA TECH:
DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

WASHINGTON STATE: I pick you TWO Weeks in a row and you can’t win? Really?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Told you so…..Congratulations on a Great win

VANDERBILT: It’s going to be a long year in Music City, believe it…

SEC NETWORK: I really don’t know which is worse on Game Day….

The ridiculous segment with Rebecca Sugar Pants or whatever her name is and the “hash tag” this and the “hash tag” that and the absurd pictures sent in by whoever has a smart phone….

Or

Being forced to watch and or listen to Paul Finebaum

Note to the Network: If you want to make the majority of us viewers happy…..

Then let former LSU defensive lineman and Network commentator Marcus Spears with his hand the size of an Atlanta phonebook….

Slap Paul Finebaum hard enough to make a peanut fly out of his butt

You’re Welcome

TEXAS: Damn It………………

GAME DAY COMMERCIALS: So help me…..

If I see one more commercial for diarrhea medication on college game day

I’m going to crap

BRIEF CFB WIZARD EDITORIAL:
Many of you have already read or heard about the recent breach of a number of celebrities and their “personal” pictures from their email accounts etc.

After being sent the following picture, I cannot confirm it’s authenticity but frankly I find it disturbing. Below is reported to be a picture of former Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer swimming in the nude.

Fulmer


THE GAMES

Thursday, September 11

Louisiana Tech at North Texas
Simply put, this one is going to be a toss-up…
BULLDOGS 31-28

Houston at Brigham Young
After the Cougars defeated my beloved Longhorns last week…
I have no choice here…
COUGARS 44-10

Friday, September 12

Toledo at Cincinnati
With the starting quarterback of the Rockets injured…
I am going with the Boys from Skyline Chili in this one
BEARKATS 34-24

Baylor at Buffalo
This game is going to be uglier than an old persons feet in sandals
(Sorry for the visual)
DA BEARS 63-0

Saturday, September 13

Western Kentucky at Middle Tennessee
Both of these teams nearly took down “big” Ten opponents last week..
(No surprise there)
This should be a good one…
HILLTOPPERS 34-31

Kent State at Ohio State
For those of you that have written me to inquire about the scheduling of this game….
Let me say this….
The Buckeyes are playing Kent State on this day because Mavis’s Culinary College in Cleveland was having a “cook-off” this Saturday
BUCKEYES 44-10

Central Florida at Missouri
I think this one will be closer than the experts predict….
But I am a Three Stooges fan, so I am going with
MO’S TIGERS 34-28

Indiana at Bowling Green
You didn’t really expect me to pick this “big” Ten team to win, did you?
FALCONS 31-10

Ohio at Marshall
This fierce rivalry between these two fine schools is called “The Battle for the Bell”
It’s going to be a heck of a game….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

North Alabama at Mississippi College
The Mighty Lions of Florence open their season….
They will be contending for the Championship this year, believe it
FLORENCE LIONS 34-21

Central Arkansas at Montana State
This is the second team from Arkansas the Bobcats have faced this season….
The outcome will be better in Big Sky Country this time around
BOBCATS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: The coffee at this funeral home tastes like transmission fluid

Boise State at Connecticut
“If” the Bronco’s miss their flight to the East Coast…
Then the Huskies would still lose this game by two touchdowns
BRONCO’S 44-10

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
As they proved last week in front of a national audience….
These Hokies are no Turkeys
HOKIES HOKIES HOKIES 41-24

Georgia Southern at Georgia Tech
Call this one an “Upset” if you want too….
These Statesboro Boys are for real
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-24

Pittsburgh at Florida International
I am still confused…..
Florida “International” what?
House of Pancakes?
Airport?
Cheese Emporium?
Too many questions and not enough answers….
PANTHERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this coffee isn’t poisoned, that’s all I’m saying…

Syracuse at Central Michigan
The all male midget dancing crew “The Chippewa’s” took down a “big” Ten team last week just as I had predicted; make it two in a row…..
MIDGET CHIPS 38-21

West Virginia at Maryland
I am color blind and the Maryland uniforms make me want to throw-up…
I can only imagine how they look to the rest of you
Light those Couches Morgantown
MOUNTAINEERS 34-27

Carson-Newman at Wayne State (MI)
Let me put it this way….
“IF” Coach Sparks Eagles were in the “big” Ten…..
They would be favored to win the conference Championship this year
SPARKS EAGLES 41-28

Massachusetts at Vanderbilt
If the Commodores can’t beat the minutemen in Music City…
Then their season is over before it got started
Believe it
COMMODORES 21-10

Louisville at Virginia
I told you Coach Bobby P’s Cardinal’s were the real deal didn’t I?
Well I am telling you again….
BOBBY’S BIRDS 41-14

Wyoming at Oregon
Little known college football fact…..
The NCAA has prevented Oregon and Maryland from playing each other in football…
Due to the hideous nature of both team’s uniforms, there is ample concern that the glow in the dark, bizarre color combinations would destroy color television sets across the country.
QUACKERS 54-14

Air Force at Georgia State
Good Lord Air Force, can you please just win one game I pick you in?
(You guys are killing my average)
FALCONS 31-28

EDITORS NOTES: The people that work here are looking at me like they are measuring me for a suit…It’s giving me the creeps

California Davis at Colorado State
Despite last week’s set-back I still believe in Coach Jim….
RAM TOUGH 28-21

Georgia at South Carolina
This one is going to be a game of “big boy” football until the final whistle blows
And yes, it could easily go either way….
BIG DAWGS 31-21

Kansas at Duke
If this was a basketball game it might be interesting….
If I liked basketball, which I don’t
BLUE DEVILS 33-14

Miami (OH) at Michigan
Gosh I wonder if the Wolverines can actually “score” this weekend…
I won’t hold my breath
WOLVERINES 3-2

Incarnate Word at North Dakota State
I have an “Incarnate” word or two for you on this game…..
You’re going to get your ass stampeded by the Mighty Bison
MIGHTY BISON 41-10

Arkansas State at Miami (FL)
I cannot make a pick on the Hurricanes now without thinking of that stupid commercial for “High Fiber”…Thanks a lot jackasses
HURRICANES 33-17

Arkansas at Texas Tech
Yes, I would call this an “Upset Special”….
Believe it
RAZORBACKS 34-31

Iowa State at Iowa
This instate battle in the land of corn is played for the highly coveted…
Cy-Hawk Trophy……
Yeah, I know
HAWKEYES 21-17

Louisiana-Lafayette at Ole Miss
The Cajuns weren’t so Rajun last Saturday…..
Their misery continues this weekend at the Grove
FOAM RUBBER BLACK BEAR REBELS 41-24

Mississippi State at South Alabama
Remember you read it here first….
Don’t be surprised if there is an upset in the making here
BULLY DOGS 28-21

Minnesota at Texas Christian
You have to know the “big” Ten is in trouble when your best team is the Golden Gophers
Enough said…..
HORNED FROGS 31-21

Southern Nazarene at Ouachita Baptist
With the Nazarene’s and the Baptists going at each other on Saturday
I don’t know if somebody is going to get sprinkled or dunked
But one thing you can count on, is somebody is going to be baptized
GOTCHA BAPTIST 24-21

South Dakota at Montana
This Border War is always a good one….
Hold on to your seats
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 31-24

Illinois at Washington
I was going to pick the fighting pumpkins in this game…
But then I remembered they were in the “big” Ten..
Sorry…
HUSKIES 24-21

Army at Stanford
The Cardinal of Stanford may actually score enough this Saturday to match their collective ACT scores
CARDINAL 116-0

Southern Miss at Alabama
This once hot rivalry isn’t what it used to be….
But it’s still a good one
CRIMSON TIDE 41-10

Louisiana-Monroe at LSU
Don’t be surprised if the Boys from West Monroe make this a game until the 4th quarter
I’m just saying…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-17

Northern Illinois at UNLV
The Huskies came through on my “Upset Special” last week…
This one won’t be much of an upset…
HUSKIES 38-14

UTSA at Oklahoma State
I wouldn’t be surprised if the United Tennis Sissy’s Association score a lot of points on the Boys from Stillwater on Saturday, but they will still come up short…
COWBOY UP! 41-31

Wake Forest at Utah State
To be perfectly honest….
I don’t think the game is going to be this close…
AGGIES 31-10

Purdue vs. Notre Dame
Ah, the “rivalry” game for the coveted “Shillelagh Trophy”
This is not in any way to be confused with:
The bejeweled and bedazzled Shillelagh Trophy
The Ebola Virus Shillelagh Trophy
The Corndog Shillelagh Trophy
(I hope that cleared up any misunderstand you may have had)
FIGHTNTIN IRISHIES 54-0

Kentucky at Florida
A friend of mine had almost convinced me that the Wildcats will win this game….
I can’t lean that far, but I think it may be closer than most people think
GATORS 33-17

Tennessee at Oklahoma
I think this could possibly be the halftime score….
I’m serious….
BOOMER SOONERS 44-10

UCLA vs. Texas
I know, I know…..
But I cannot pick against my beloved Longhorns
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-24

Southern California at Boston College
This game has all the probability of being uglier than Al Sharpton….
(Except without all the rhyming phrases, race bating and mispronounced words)
TROJANS 41-10

Arkansas-Monticello at Southeastern Oklahoma
I know Bo let me down last weekend….
But Weevils may wobble but they don’t fall down
It’s a rule…
BO WEEVILS 28-24

Penn State at Rutgers
You could call this one an “Upset”
It’s going to be a close one in New Jersey
NITTANY LIONS 24-21

Navy at Texas State
Come on Navy, don’t disappoint me two weeks in a row….
MIDSHIPMEN 31-28

Portland State at Washington State
If the Cougars lose this game to the Portland State Hair Extension Academy….
Then I am through picking them for the season, I’m serious…
PIRATE COUGARS 7-3

Rice at Texas A&M
I have a feeling that Rice will be 21 points down by the time they hear….
“Will you please stand for the National Anthem…”
GIG EM AGGIES 104-0

Arizona State at Colorado
The Buffalos “one game” win streak comes to an end….
Believe it….
SUN DEVILS 44-10

Nebraska at Fresno State
For the Cornhusker Fans that nearly had heart attacks last weekend…
You might want to get your prescriptions in order before Saturday
It’s going to be close…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 34-31

Next Week….

Your Week 4 College Football Picks will be out next Thursday along with another story on Mikerights.com in the series entitled “High Crimes and Good Times”

I think it’s going to be one you enjoy and “spoiler alert”…..

It won’t be a poop story; I am saving those for Halloween

I hope you enjoy them, so stay tuned….

One More Thing….

Today September 11th…..

Before it was known as a day of infamy in this country

It was widely known in Alabama and throughout the South as Coach Bryant’s Birthday

Today Coach Bryant would have been 101 years old…..It’s hard to believe

Throughout this ordeal of mine I have remembered many things he said….

“I have always tried to teach my players to be fighters. When I say that, I don’t mean put up your dukes and get in a fistfight over something. I’m talking about facing adversity in your life. There is not a person alive who isn’t going to have some awfully bad days in their lives. I tell my players that what I mean by fighting is when your house burns down, and your wife runs off with the drummer, and you’ve lost your job and all the odds are against you. What are you going to do? Most people just lay down and quit. Well, I want my people to fight back.”

I’m still in the fight Coach, Happy Birthday….

I Miss You

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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2 Responses to College Football Picks Week 3

  1. Lee on September 17, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    C’mon Brother Mike, ease up on the UTSA Roadrunners! Whether you like that former Hurricane that coaches them or not, they do ok for a young program and I’m just glad someone besides Joel Osteen is finally using the Alamodome regularly. I judge the maturity level of an athletic department by the amount of liquor and BBQ consumed while tailgating, and this bunch isn’t doing bad for a 4 year old program! RTR!

  2. MEB on September 18, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    You are right my dear friend, I set corrected and will give them the appropriate love next week

    The CFB Wizard

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