Ladies and Gentlemen -
I know….
But Please Stop.. you are embarrassing me….
Just Because I was THE ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Texas Christian Horned Frog win (Not an “upset”) last night over the “Undefeated” BYU Cougars is no reason for such adulation…..
I am just a simple College Fooball Prognosticating Genius…
Sort of like “Rain Man”…without the stammer…
Enjoy Your Picks!
College Football NEWS and VIEWS
TENNESSEE: Did anyone see or hear the pregame “interviews” with selected Tennessee Players before last weeks game with Georgia?
In case you missed it…
Here is a brief review….
Defensive Lineman Robert Ayers from Cilio, South Carolina…
“We Ima Heba Go baaa Too Ratba….I sama geaam!”
Offensive Lineman Anthony Parker from Jonesboro, Georgia….
“GOO da bam an da big ga bubba, do da gema too!”
and Last but not Least….
Quarterback Nick Stephens from Flower Mound, Texas…
“EWUS de see moo to harrr, te gema form tut!”
EDITORS NOTE: I am almost certain they are all “Speech” Majors….
TENNESSEE (PART II): Anybody see ALL the Tennessee Volunteer Mascots lined up on the sidelines last weekend in Georgia?
It looked like the cast from “Alice in Wonderland”….
There was a Mountain Man….yet they aren’t the “Mountaineers”
and they aren’t the “David Crockett’s”….
or even the “Crockett’ers”…
EDITORS NOTE: I think the “Crockett’ers” sounds like an Old Peoples Dancing Club…
THEN….
There was the student in the Dog Costume…
and they aren’t the “Dogs”…
or the “Dawgs”…
Or even the “Huckleberry Hounds”…
EDITORS NOTE: Although that is a thought….
Then there is the “Real” Blue Tick Hound…
Yet…
We already covered the “Canine” topic haven’t we?
Did you see the student in the “Orange” Costume?
I know they have a lot of “Fruits” in Tennessee…
But “Oranges”?
TENNESSEE (PART III): I am still waiting to hear from my Tennessee Vol fans on the Trivia question….
”Who was the Last Quarterback to Start for the Vols from the state of Tennessee…?”
Don’t worry….
I’ll wait….
AUBURN: First the “Good News”….
Coach Tubberville fired “Himself” this week after calling what he described as a horrible game last week with Arkansas…
Now the “Bad News”….
Coach Tubberville then hired “Himself” back with a 6 million dollar buy-out clause…
OKLAHOMA STATE: You boys damn sure Cowboy’d Up!
Congratulations on a GREAT Win….
OLE MISS: I have a “Safety Tip” for any Rebel Fans planning on making the trip to “T” Town this weekend…
“IF” any of you Rebel Fans that threw bottles (and yes even shoes..)..and spit on our players after last years game in Oxford attempt the same stunt again this year…
YOU will not get out of T-Town in the same shape you arrived….
That’s a promise…
COMMERCIALS: What the Hell is wrong with the folks from Pizza Hut?
A commercial that shows a Father ”showing” his son how to eat a slice of pizza?
We are not interested in the “Further Adventures of the Wussy Family”…
AP and USA TODAY POLLS: SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo
The Southern California Trojans are Number #6 in one poll…
and…
Number # 8 in another poll?
I am sorry, I can’t seem to remember…
Who have they played to “GET BACK” into the Top Ten?
Nobody….
“ENTITLEMENT”…..
The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to (by the national media accounts) “The Best Team EVER”…
Yet they can’t get back into the Top Ten….
Why?
“ENTITLEMENT”…..
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU still aren’t on probation? Really?
Who did you have for NCAA Investigatiors, O.J.’s “First” jury?
NCAA: You know what’s coming now right?
“So where is the Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?”
We are still waiting….
ESPN: If you were watching the Texas - Oklahoma game: Then you heard the worse, most uncomfortable conversation of all time during a broadcast college football game between Brent Musberger and Kirt Herbstreit….
KIRT: I love the atmosphere of this game with the Texas State Fair right outside the Cotton Bowl..
BRENT: Isn’t that the Texas Ferris Wheel in the distance?
KIRT: Let me see..I am reading from the Texas State Fair Guide..
The Texas State Ferris Wheel is one of the largest free standing Ferris Wheels in the World at Over 200 plus feet tall…
BRENT: What do you say you and I take a ride on that after the game?
KIRT: What? No, that’s alright……
Looks like Oklahoma is ready to take the field after the time-out…
BRENT: We could relax on the wheel and forget about the troubles on Wall Street and see the lights of Dallas from up there….
KIRT: No, that’s alright Brent I’ll pass….
EDITORS NOTE: Just when you think Brent Musburger couldn’t get any creeper….
He wants to get all “Mister McFeely” with Kirt Herbstreit…..
ESPN (PART II): Thanks so much for adding “another” studio analyst to an already crowded lineup…
Todd McShay..”Director of College Scouting”
Are YOU Kidding me?
Call him what he is…..
Another..
“Master of the Obvious”…
CLEMSON: Although about FOUR years too late to suit me….
YOU made the right decision…
It’s time to get a REAL Football Coach for the Tigers….
One is on the way…
Believe me…
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Mike, could you start picking some other “smaller” schools in the northeast?
Think about it!
Ben - Dover, Delaware
A: O My Gosh….
ARE you KIDDING Me!
“BEN DOVER”?
I may have peed on myself….
Q: Mike, I know this is not your normal subject matter…
But what do you know about today’s ”so-called”… ”Energy Drinks”?
Are they harmful?
Thanks!
Molly - Fort Smith, Arkansas
A: Molly you came to the right place…
“Little Known” fact we folks in the South have known for years…
Mountain Dew is the “Orginal” Energy Drink…
You don’t think so?
If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast for four years you can’t donate blood..
Enough said…
Q: I want to thank Hootie Snitch for the smoking hot picture of that “girl” he got arrested with!
Bunch of us done downloaded the picture and got it blowed up!
It’s hanging in the work shed right now!
Skeeter - Dandridge, Tennessee
A: See the below email…
Q: DAMN! Where in the Hell did Hootie Snich find that GOOD Looking Gal?
LORDY I done copied that picture and sent it to all my friends!
Hot damn, I am still all lathered up over that picture!
War Eagle!
Chip - Loachapoka, Alabama
A: It’s nice to know that Hootie has “Interstate” appeal…
Q: Helloo! I want you to know that I enjoy your article!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang - San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOooooooooooooooooo
Who you gonna Crawl?
THE GAMES
Saturday October 18th
Texas Tech at Texas A&M
If you have children in the room when this game is on…
Please, send them out to play…
This is going to be really ugly…
As in my Sister-in-Law in a string bikini ugly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17
Vanderbilt at Georgia
On paper this looks like a really close game…
But Football isn’t played on paper…
HOW Bout Them DAWGS!
DAWGS 28-17
LSU at South Carolina
Please see “Texas Tech at Texas A&M” for a graphic description of this game…
FIGHT’N TIGERS 31-14
EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the above visuals, but yes…
They will be “That” ugly…
Syracuse at South Florida
A team called the “Orange” goes to Florida and gets squeezed…
Coincidence?
I think not…
BULLS 33-10
Kutztown at East Stroudsburg
Is Kutztown close to Funky Town?
Just wondering….
Wake Forest at Maryland
I wish I had a shirt that says…
“I Got Crabs in Maryland”…
But sometimes I wish for too much…
NINJA TURTLES 24-21
Purdue at Northwestern
I would watch this game but I have all the symptoms….
That I am getting Disco Fever…
WILLDCATS 24-23
Memphis at East Carolina
I don’t know where either team has been for the past three weeks…
So this is a toss up…
PIRATES 23-17
EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Skip Holtz has been too busy “Interviewing” for the Clemson job before it even became open….
Because he has….
Connecticut at Rutgers
The Jersey (Pronounced: Jeo-seeeeee) Cinderella lost her shoes….
And…..
Mid-Night Powder Blue Eye Shadow…
HUSKIES 27-21
Georgia Tech at Clemson
Everything says the folks from Carolina won’t win….
But this is about “Pride”….
I am a Believer…
TIGERS 23-21
Frostburg State at Ithaca
You know a school is ten miles from the artic circle when they name it “Frost-burg”…
Or maybe….
This is the school were “Frosted Flakes” was invented…
Never mind..
Wisconsin at Iowa
Will the Mighty Badgers lose four in a row?
Not this year….
Believe in the Power of Cheese……
BADGERS 33-27
Nebraska at Iowa State
Did anybody see the “Black Shirts” take the Red Raiders to Overtime last week?
Enough said…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17
Kansas at Oklahoma
My Choice for the “Last Team on the Planet to Play when they are Mad as Hell”…..
BOOMER SOONERS 34-23
Colorado State at Utah
I really didn’t know which way to go on this one…….
But I just got finished watching “My Cousin Vinnie..”
TWO UTES 33-28
Baylor at Oklahoma State
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest Medical Schools in the country?
They may need it when this is over….
COWBOY UP! 31-17
Southern Miss at Rice
I wish I could take the Golden Eagles in this one….
and I would have…
But you got rid of Coach Bower…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 24-20
Ole Miss at Alabama
Let’s keep this one simple shall we?
CRIMSON TIDE 27-17
Southern California at Washington State
The cougars couldn’t whip cream……
TROJAN$ 116-0
Ohio State at Michigan State
This is going to be one hell of an old fashion Big Ten..I mean “Eleven” Fight…
Don’t blink….
BUCKEYES 23-20
Westminster at LaGrange College
“Haw..Haw Haw…”
I just couldn’t resist another ZZ Top reference…
North Carolina at Virginia
I think the world of those boys from the Old Dominion…
But…
The Tar Heels are for REAL….
(Just like I told you they were at the begining of the season..)
TAR HEELS 28-17
Pittsburg at Navy
Do you know who I think will have a “Big” day in this game?
The Midshipman Quarterback….
“Kaippo-Nooa KKahheeakku- Ennhhadda”
That poor boy’s name starts at the back of his jersey and goes all the way to the front….
MIDSHIPMEN 23-21
Hiram at Eartham
If your name is Hiram…
You are harder than Woodepecker Lips…
It’s a Law…
HIRAM whips EARTHAM’s Ass….
MTSU at Louisville
Everytime I see one of these “Alphabet Soup” Schools…
I have the uncontrollable urge to “Buy a Vowel”….
CARDINALS 38-17
Randolph Macon at Emory & Henry
I wish this was Randolph “Bacon”…
Because….
There is nothing like pork products to enhance a Tailgating experience…
I’m Just saying….
Miami (FL) at Duke
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
WHAT?
Have you lost your damn minds?
HURRICANES 33-16
Army at Buffalo
O.K…..
West Point has “won” two weeks in a row….
Which is normally a sign of the coming Apocalypse…
But in his case I believe it means….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 27-24
Marshall at UAB
Here we go with “Alphabet Soup” again…
“Vanna Darling could I buy a Vowel?”
EDITORS NOTE: FACT….
When the above is spoken with a Southern accent…
You automatically win the Grand Prize….
Not that is matters here…
THUNDERING HERD 31-13
Stanford at UCLA
Another “BIG GAME” in the PAC 10 this week….
I would watch it too….
But….
“Mr. Potato Head: Behind The Music” is on VH1….
Sorry…
BRUINS 23-21
Michigan at Penn State
The Wolverines “Might” win this game…..
And….
Mrs. Coach Rod “Might” not dress like a ten dollar hooker….
We all know….
Neither of which is possible…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-16
Kansas State at Colorado
My Sister-in-Law “reviewed” the films of her leading the Colorado Team onto the field a few weeks ago…..
She thinks the camera makes the hump on her back look “smaller”….
If only it could do something with that one foot that looks like a hoof…
BUFFALOS 33-28
Arkansas at Kentucky
I can honestly say…..
I have NO Idea who has the advantage here…
Take your pick…
WILDCATS 27-24
Oregon State at Washington
I am not ashamed to say it…..
Damn It…
I Love Beavers!
BEAVERS 34-14
EDITORS NOTE: Please, No Hate Mail this week from people who think I am being Nasty…
I am just talking about the BEAVERS!
Idaho at Louisiana Tech
I think ”Famous Potatoes” are going to get a Cajun Mashing…
DOOLEY’S BULLDOGS 38-10
Mississippi State at Tennessee
I believe Coach Croom’s Dog’s are Hungry…..
and are more than capable….
Of Treeing a Volunteer…
CROOM’S BULLDOGS
Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
If this was LeeAnn Rimes I still think the Eagles would win…
It would just be more fun to watch…
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24
Occidental at Chapman
Don’t they mean “accidental”?
NOW that makes sense….
Missouri at Texas
Everybody thinks MO’s Tigers will beat the Longhorns…
Just like “THEY” all thought the Sooners would roll the Horns up last week….
HOOK EM….
LONGHORNS 38-34
Virginia Tech at Boston College
IF the Turkeys want to have a chance in this game they better get that Big Ole Wang in the game….
HOKIES 24-23
EDITORS NOTE: What Now? I was talking about Ed WANG….
San Jose State at New Mexico State
I think “San Jose” is Spanish for….
I just got my ass Kicked in New Mexico…
AGGIES 34-23
UTEP at Tulsa
What is it with all the Alphabet Soup U’s this week?
TEP-U and Golden Hurricanes too?
Common decency prevents me from commenting on this one…
HURRICANES of GOLD 38-33
Indiana at Illinois
I still haven’t heard back from you folks in Indiana on the name change from “Hoosiers” (Which nobody knows what the hell that is…)
To…”The Gomers!”
With!
Jim Nabors as an Official Sponsor!
How does this sound….
“Here come the Gomers! SHAZAM!”
Just think about it…that’s all I ask
ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS 34-17
Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies have been rode hard and put up wet….
COUGARS 43-24
California at Arizona
I would watch this game but Mike Tyson is going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy…
I hope I get to hear him say…
“I’wa take “People I want to Kill” for 500 Al-wex”….
BEARS 38-24
Air Force at UNLV
Seriously….
What is the Deal with all the Acronym U’s this week?
Next week I am going to combine all the Acronym-Alphabet Schools into one word…
It will be like Scrabble for cool people…
FALCONS 33-31
Enjoy Your Games!
RTR
MEB
