College Football Picks Week 9

October 28, 2010
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

We are nearing the end of October…..
And in most parts of the country autumn is in the air….
The air turns crisp as the leaves begin to change color…..
The cool breeze blows the falling leaves across the landscape….
And young and old alike are preparing for Halloween…..
Children in festive costumes, pumpkin carvings of all types decorate porches and windows
But as we all know….
This is also a dangerous time of the year…..

This is also the time of the year…..

When Fat Phil Fulmer will come out of the pumpkin patch
and douse unsuspecting and unsupervised children in a sweet sugary substance and devour them whole.

So please, do not leave your children unsupervised this time of year and remember:
Fat Phil has been known to wear a variety of disguises to lure children into his waiting jaws.
Such as….
He may be dressed as a larger, more transvestite looking Wynonna Judd
that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme Bear Claws….

Or he may be disguised as a 600 pound Pumpkin that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme donuts….

He may even appear at a distance to be 1978 Buick LeSabre….
that smells like old feet, pancakes and shame…..

And of course his most diabolical disguise to date…
Dressed as “Shamu” and wearing an “I (Heart) Peyton Manning” T-shirt

EDITORS NOTE: Please consider this public service announcement….
as fulfilling the conditions of my community service.

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Although Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator successfully predicted MO’s Tigers upset of the Oklahoma Sooners, I did however miss a number of other games by a light year or two, and I blame that on the full moon and a lack of bourbon.
That being said…..
Last week I was a “Less than Spectacular” 37 and 13 or 74%
And after eight weeks into the college football season I am 372 and 82 or 82%.

Not too bad all things considered…

EDITORS NOTE: But before you ask….
No I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns..

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have asked why I haven’t said more about the troubles in Obknoxville or why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory last Saturday.
So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….

This despite what “coach” Phil Fulmer and his cronies attempted to do to the University of Alabama a number of years ago when he was playing a white trash version of Inspector Clouseau with his “Secret Witnesses” and his obsession with all things Crimson.

And let me say this about the Third Saturday in October….
Coach Bryant said to “Win without bragging and lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Them folks up north like to make fun of us in the South….
cause they say we take our football too seriously down here.
Well let me tell you something young blood….
We damn sure do take it seriously and you want to know why?
‘Cause everybody up north make fun of us….
They make fun of the way we talk, the way we get along with one another…
our religion, our guns and our way of life. They even make fun of our education….
But them folks need to remember one thing…
They might have more ivy growing on them colleges up north….
But we got more National Championships….
You damn right we take it serious….”

THE PICKS

Thursday October 27th

Florida State at North Carolina State
There is a Halloween “special” going on in Raleigh this week…
It’s a Jimbo size ass whipping…..
JIMBO’S NOLES 38-21

North Alabama at Delta State
The Fighting Okra get fried in Florence on Thursday night….
Believe it….
MIGHTY LIONS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…..
I hope my upcoming book deal will allow me to be a guest on the Okra Winfrey Show

Friday October 28th

West Virginia at Connecticut
The Mountaineers of Morgantown get back to their winning ways this week…
By making taking the Huskies on a run…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Saturday October 29th

Northwestern at Indiana
Hoosier? As in…….
Who’s your daddy?
WILDCATS 31-21

Juniata at John Hopkins
I know what you are thinking…
That Johnny Hopkins boy turned out alright…
He got his own medical school and everything..
Johnny is going to need that medical training this Saturday
Because I heard Juanita got laid off from the Wal-Mart loading dock..
And she has a J-Lo size mean on..
J –LO DOWN 28-14

Miami at Virginia
According to the National Weather Service….
Hurricane season lasts until November 1st….
So there you go…
HURRICANES 34-17

Tennessee at South Carolina
The Vowels in the Rear View Mirror are a lot closer than they may appear…
Believe it….
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Virginia Military Academy at Army
This game won’t feature the best football played this Saturday afternoon…
But it will feature some of the very best young men in this country
If seeing the cadets from both military academies march into the stadium….

Doesn’t make your heart beat a little faster…
Doesn’t bring a tear to your eye…
Doesn’t make you proud to live in this country…
Then you probably work in the White House…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-17

Purdue at Illinois
This ancient Big Twelve, I mean Eleven…Sorry, I meant Ten Rivalry
Is played each season for something that looks like a miniature Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile…
Not that it matters…
Halloween is right around the corner..
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
I heard Kenny Chesney used to drive the Wiener mobile….
How appropriate…

Louisville at Pittsburgh
This Big East rivalry between the river towns is always heated…
and this year I am calling for a “not so upset special”
STRONGS CARDINALS 28-24

Syracuse at Cincinnati
The fact that the Orange beat the West Virginia Mountaineers last week at home is..
One of the first signs of the coming apocalypse…..
It’s in the Bible in the Book of Bryant
KATS of BEAR 24-21

UAB at Southern Miss
The Blazers will get torched in beautiful Hattiesburg…
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-20

Northern Illinois at Western Michigan
Between the “northern” and the “western” in this game..
I feel like I am reading a Rand McNally Atlas
BRONCOS 31-28

Oklahoma State at Kansas State
I have a feeling the Prairie Wind will be touching the Wildcat’s in the naughty place on Saturday
COWBOY UP! 38-28

Clemson at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference rivalry is played for the O’Rourke- McFadden Trophy
I’m not sure what that actually is….
But I think it looks like a stuffed version of the little guy from Fantasy Island.
Then why don’t they just call it the “Herve Villechaize Trophy”
I’m just asking
DABOS TIGERS 34-17

Akron at Temple
This game features Zippers and Owls…..
Which if you ask me….
Sounds like something dirty is going on down at the barn….
ZIPPERS 33-31

Utica College at Ithaca
If Lou Holtz says the names of these two colleges quickly….
He will form a tsunami of spit…..
It’s a scientific fact
CA’ TSUNAMI 21-17

Marist at Campbell
I still can’t get over Campbell having “Gaylord the Camel” as a mascot….
Not that it matters…
That Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX 43-10

Citadel at Wofford
This Battle in the Palmetto State….
Is between the school of Chewbacca and the boys from the Military School of South Carolina
I will go with the boys in uniform…
BULLDOGS 31-28

Elon at Chattanooga
The little Cuban boy is going to get a beat down at the home of..
the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop.
I hope they have time to take the tour before they leave town.
MIGHTY MOCS 38-24

Samford at Georgia Southern
Is it just me….
Or does every time you hear about “Samford” you think about Fred and Lamount?
It’s just me? Never mind then…
EAGLES 34-17

Ball State at Kent State
When I read that Ball State was playing the Golden Flashes…
I thought…..
That sounds like a party at Elton John’s house…
FLASHERS 33-31

Louisiana Lafayette at Ohio
U La La gets mauled by Franks Cats…
Believe it…
FRANKS BOBCATS 31-17

Ursinus at Moravian
I wonder…..
Is this game an indication that a Moron has a urinary infection?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
MORONS 21-17

Kansas at Iowa State
This game begs the question…
Whatever happened to the fat kid from “What’s Happening?”
I’m just asking…
CYCLONES 33-17

San Diego State at Wyoming
I know it sounds hard to believe…
But I think the boys from Laramie are going to win one…
I’m serious, stop laughing…
COWBOYS! 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering..
Yes, that would most definitely be an upset special…

Tulsa at Notre Dame
The Golden Hurricanes and the Golden Gnomes..
Sounds like a pair of kids video games for sale at Toys R Us…..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-24

UTEP at Marshall
I know, I know….
My Herd let me down last week against the Pirates..
They won’t this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Montana at Weber State
Now I like the people from Weber State as much as anybody…
I personally have owned a number of their grills and smokers and they do indeed make a fine product.
But the Grizzly Bears have a mauling on their mind……
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-21

Georgia at Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
This one has the potential to be a shocker….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

California at Oregon State
Given a choice between Bears and Beavers…
I will take Beavers every time….
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Michigan State at Iowa
Cinderella will lose a shoe in Corn Country….
Believe it….
EYES of the HAWK 28-24

Duke at Navy
It has been rumored that the Blue Devils are making a switch at quarterback…
Unfortunately they have selected Leonard Nimoy….
Which is highly illogical….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Furman at Appalachian State
Seriously, how many colleges did Chewbacca buy with his Star Wars money?
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Carson Newman at Newberry
As a fan of Andy Griffith and the town of Mayberry…
I don’t know much about “Newberry”….
but I think it’s close to Mount Pilot
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Miami (OH) at Buffalo
When I first saw this game on the schedule…
I thought the Boys from Miami were playing Wynonna Judd…
If that were the case, they wouldn’t stand a chance..
MEN of RED 34-20

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
In the words of Forrest Gump….
These two teams are like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get..
GIG EM AGGIES 24-21

Troy at Louisiana Monroe
Believe it or not….
“Louisiana Monroe” is NOT a distant cousin to “Indiana Jones”
Glad I could clear that up for everybody..
MEN OF TROY 34-28

Bowling Green at Central Michigan
Not that it’s all that important here…
But Detroit smells like wet cat food and old urinal cakes
Just thought you should know…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-23

Wake Forest at Maryland
Between a fight between the two mascots…..
Jimmy Swaggart as the Demon Deacon and the Turtle man as the Fighting Terrapin
Although Jimmy does a better crying and begging routine…
I have to go with…
TURTLE MEN 31-24

St. Scholastica at MacMurray College
Who was “Saint Scholastica” anyway, somebody that could spell really well?
That sounds totally made up to me…
But it is nice to know that Fred MacMurray has his own college
THE FIGHTING FREDS 24-10

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Proud Ponies had a tough couple of weeks….
But they will trample the wave of green Saturday
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS34-17

Missouri at Nebraska
We are too close to Halloween to go against the Children of the Corn
And the “Victory Bell” goes too….
MIGHTY CORNHUSKERS 34-31

East Carolina at Central Florida
The Golden Knights will get tarnished before this one is over
PIRATES 38-34

Arizona at UCLA
I would watch this game….
But VH1 is having a “Behind the Music” Special on David Hasselhoff…
I think it’s all in German…
BRUINS 28-24

San Jose State at New Mexico State
The Spartans of San Jose has been pretty consistent all season….
They consistently get their ass whipped…
PISTOL PETE 38-17

Montana State at Idaho State
Anytime I see “Idaho” anything, I don’t think about potatoes..
I remember a girl in High School named Ida; she had a questionable reputation
BOBCATS 43-24

Auburn at Ole Miss
This game is going to be uglier than pajama night at Neverland Ranch..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 141-3

EDITORS NOTE: Is it too soon for Michael Jackson jokes?

New Mexico at Colorado State
By the way….
Did they ever bury Michael Jackson or are they still dragging him around on tour?
I’m just asking….
RAM TOUGH 24-21

Vanderbilt at Arkansas
The Commodores will keep this one close until the third quarter..
Then it’s all….
HAWGS 38-17

Houston at Memphis
Two great BBQ Towns….
I am going with the beef brisket in this one….
COUGARS 33-28

Washington State at Arizona State
I would watch this game…..
But I am coming down with a bad case of Boogie Woogie Flu and Disco Fever
Sorry…
DEVILS of the SUN 97-3

Stanford at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Believe it…
HUSKIES 31-28

Kentucky at Mississippi State
Christopher Walken and I are in complete agreement….
You can never have enough Cowbell
BULLY DOGS 28-24

Baylor at Texas
This is an old Southwest Conference rivalry…
But as a side note to this game: “If” my Longhorns….
Lose this game, I want them to know my liver and spleen will explode…
My intestines will be on your conscience…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Utah at Air Force
I don’t think you can fit Two Utes in the cockpit of an F-16 Falcon..
Even if it’s the “B” version….
It’s a little tight in there
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28

Michigan at Penn State
This Rivalry in the North is played for one of the most coveted of all trophy’s.
“The Bejeweled Rolled Loaf of Head Cheese”
You got to hand it to those Yankees….
If there is something that smells bad, they will make a trophy out of it…
JOE PA’S LIONS 31-28

Ohio State at Minnesota
I will keep this simple for the two Golden Gopher fans who read my weekly article
You are going to get your ass whipped on Saturday
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 49-10

Oregon at Southern California
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
Can’t they both lose?
QUACKERS 54-38

Colorado at Oklahoma
The Buffalos have the same chance of winning this game….
As Hillary Clinton does of being a Hooters Girl….
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17

Utah State at Nevada
This will be the best televised college football game..
On ESPN 3 at 0300 Sunday Morning….
PACK of WOLVES 43-17

Texas Christian at UNLV
Just for the record and for those folks reading this in Tennessee…
“UNLV” does not stand for….
United Norwegian Loquacious Vegans
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Idaho at Hawaii
The folks from Famous Potatoes should really do something about their mascot…
He looks like a convicted child molester out on parole…
I bet Dog the Bounty Hunter would catch him if he was…
That’s all I’m saying….
And in case you were wondering….
Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights
Check your local stations for times..
WARRIORS bounty hunting on RAINBOWS 33-28

Next Week…..
We will return to a normal format with Hootie Snitch providing “commentary” on Tennessee Volunteer Football and an update on his celebrity golf tournament to help his mother with hoof and mouth disease. (You read that correctly)

As well as catching up on Email Questions from by beloved readers…

Have a great Weekend…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Responses to College Football Picks Week 9

  1. Kaye on October 28, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    How ’bout those two Utes?

    Had a chuckle on the re: Utica and Ithaca

    But…..even better, Ball St. and Golden Flashes Love to hear Elton sing

  2. Kaye on October 28, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    sorry space between Flashes and love

  3. Ant on October 29, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Sorry to hear there’s a shortage of Bourbon up there… got a fresh jug o’ Basil Haden with your name on it. Come on down and we’ll crack ‘er open!

  4. Bulldog Jim on November 4, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    All is well here! Thanks again and hope this week-end is a good one for you! My “MSU Dogs” are looking good! Much love, BJ

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.