College Football News & Views

May 28, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen-

Although we are in the period between spring football and the kickoff of our beloved 2009 college football season, there is still a lot to discuss.

But you wouldn’t know it by watching the major sports networks…
That’s why I am here…

There is No NBA here….
Where “one second” constitutes a minute…

EDITORS NOTE: I still believe…
If the folks that run the NBA would have been in charge of WW II..
We would still be fighting the Germans and the Japanese.

No references to Hockey in this column…

EDITORS NOTE: I recognize this is considered a “sport” in some parts of the country, however I am from South Alabama and we do not recognize any winter sports as legitimate “sports”.
I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

No mention of Soccer….

EDITORS NOTE: Please no hate mail on this subject…
You know how I feel…
If “French-men” can play it…
Then it’s not a “real” sport…

Not the slightest reference to Billiards…

EDITORS NOTE: They call this a “sport”?
What’s next, a “Rock-Paper-Scissors” Tournament?

Classic Celebrity Poker…

EDITORS NOTE: Please see “Billiards” above

No my loyal readers..
Such things will not be discussed here…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has all the news and your email questions and answers to keep you occupied and informed until the kickoff of the 2009 college football season.

Which in case you were wondering…
Is only 98 days away…

Enjoy your Update!


NEBRASKA: Cornhusker Athletic Director, former congressman, and Legendary Coach Tom Osborne recently proposed to resurrect  a rule that was once a staple of the Big 8 and other major football conferences.

Holding college football referees accountable to a standard…
And punishing them for poor performance..
What a novel approach, wouldn’t you say?


MINNESOTA: This season the University of Minnesota has decided to bend to the will of PETA.

The administration agreed with PETA that “some people” might feel that “Golden Gophers” was in reference to burned or abused rodents.

So, after much deliberation the new nickname for the University of Minnesota will be:
“The Tasty Hamsters”

GEORGIA: It seems there is a disturbance in Dawg Country…
Why is there a discussion about moving the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party?
It belongs in Jacksonville..Period
I have at least one loyal reader that will weigh in on the subject later..

FLORIDA STATE: The NCAA will soon issue their ruling if Coach Bobby and the Seminoles can keep their “12” wins after some of the players committed academic shenanigans.


Yet we are still waiting on the “Big Investigation” on Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California?

I wonder what the idiots from the NCAA…
Would do “IF”…
The Seminoles told them to go pound sand…..
And just for the record, I would support that decision…

NCAA: I have an Idea…
Why not put Coach Tom Osborne in charge of the NCAA?

EDITORS NOTE: NCAA; If you’re scared say you’re scared…

OREGON: What’s his name who played quarterback for the Ducks last year in some bowl game that nobody cares about has decided to leave Oregon since he will not be the starter at the beginning of the 2009 season.

EDITORS NOTE: Who says I can’t report anything  about PAC 10 Football?

MICHIGAN: Coach Rod says he will name the Wolverine starting quarterback for the 2009 season in the next couple of months.

Just as soon as he remembers his name…

OLE MISS: Rebel football player Jerrell Powe made the statement to police after they were called concerning a noise complaint against him that, “he couldn’t read”…

Coach Houston Nutt had this to say concerning his statement;
“Of course he can read how do you think he’s getting through college?”
“Now he just needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut…”

EDITORS NOTE: This is like shooting fish in a barrel…
So, I will refrain from commenting..
For now…

EVERGREEN STATE: The Geoducks mascot “Speedy” still looks like a foam rubber turd with legs..

Or Worse…
See for yourself….

MIAMI: Another snot nose pampered athlete that didn’t feel he was getting enough playing time left the Hurricanes this week for Purdue…

What ever happened to getting a college education?
Good riddance…Cry Baby

ARIZONA STATE: Here we go again…
John Elway’s little boy isn’t getting enough playing time for the Sun Devils..
So he is leaving the team in search of someone that will kiss his pampered behind..
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out…

TENNESSEE: Once again Lane Kiffin has demonstrated that he has a place in the circus as a contortionist after his coaching career ends, which may be sooner than later..

By contunually placing his foot in his mouth while putting his head up his posterior.
In no particualr order:
1. Accusing the Defending National Champion Gator’s Coach Urban Myer of violating NCAA recruiting rules..
2. Called a potential recruits family “a bunch of losers” because their son honored his commitment to another university..
3. Stated on a website that the above recruit “would end up pumping gas for a living….”
4. Stated on a university website that the people in one Florida town were backward and ignorant and couldn’t understand how to work a fax machine..
5. Stated on a university website that the high school where the prospective  recruit attended in the above Florida town, “was full of obnoxious Gator fans that are stupid and ignorant…”
6. Committed a number of secondary recruiting violations…
7. Most recently Lane stated that “he had respect for coaches in the SEC….
After all, three of them have won National Championships…”
EDITORS NOTE: That must be “Math for Vols”…
 Because Last time I checked it was FOUR..
Saban – Myer – Miles – Spurrier
8. But the very Best Coach Lane comment…
Can be found at this very moment….
On the wall of the Mighty Gator locker room…


EDITORS NOTE: Let me know how that works out for you dumbass…

SOUTH CAROLINA: At the recent Southeastern Conference Coaches Conference in Destin Florida..
Coach Steve Spurrier once again demonstrated that he is the master of physiological warfare..
By making Tennessee’s Lane Kiffin’s head pop off in the lobby of the hotel..
Read all about it here….

EDITORS NOTE: Let’s be real clear here…
Coach Steve forgot more about football than Lane Kiffin will ever know…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

NCAA Part II: Next Week…
As Promised…
The “Seven Questions” segment returns..
With none other..
Than the “not so” benevolent Dictator of the NCAA..
Miles Brand…


Q: Aight. I’ve got the solution to your problem. The UGA-UF game should be moved to Fitzgerald.
Geographically, it’s roughly halfway between Athens & Gainsville.
It’s got a good sized high school field. If golf is what you like then there’s a nice municipal course.
If you want some high falutin’ eateries then take a short drive over to Tifton.
They’ve even got the Fire Engine Museum for entertainment.
Weather? Well, it’ll still be warmer for the Dogs, but the fine folks down there…
Have volunteered to put air conditioners on the Georgia sideline.

Maybe the Georgia backers who want the game moved are Democrats..
Change is in the air after all..right?
Or maybe Flarda’s just in their heads.
What do you think about it?
Hank – Perry County, Georgia

A: You expect us to take this seriously?
You never even said how many people the stadium seated?
How much they charge to play golf at the city course…
Come on Hank!

Q: Dear Mister College Football man –
I am madder’n a hornet right now.
I just read your article ’bout the Southern California Trojans..
And I wanna go out there an whomp somebody in the head with a co-cola bottle!
You know, I don’t always like what you say about my beloved Bulldawgs and such..
But we’s family cause we all play in the SEC..
But, when them smart-alecky writers from New York City and Los Angeles..
Start talkin ’bout SEC football all negative like..
Then it’s time to go to fist city.
Do you think you could put together a bus trip to go up there
and see them boys and maybe we can knock some sense into ’em?
Let me know and I’ll be in the front seat!
Lemuel – Ludowici, Georgia

A: I like where your head is at on this one Lemuel..

Q: Mike how many NCAA “secondary infractions” is Lane Kiffin going to get before he is punished?
How many infractions do you have to get before it means something?
Stephanie – Gainsville, Florida

A: Good question Stephanie..
As I understand the NCAA Rule on Secondary Infractions..
It goes something like this..
If a coach or university accumulates “10” secondary infractions…
They will receive an “Official Warning”
After you get “5” “Official Warnings”…
The coach or university will receive an “Official Admonishment”..
Once the coach or university has accumulated “3” “Official Admonishments”..
Then it gets serious
You will receive an “Official Shunning”…
“5” of these bad boys and you get…
A stern look from NCAA President Miles Brand…

Q: What’s the deal with the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and $outhern California?
Give it to us straight!
Gary- New Iberia, Louisiana

A: It’s just this simple Gary…
The Reggie Bush case, which began “officially” nearly four years ago….
Is fast becoming the NCAA equivalent of O.J. Simpson’s search for the “real” killers..

Enough said…

Q: Mike will Coach Charlie turn Notre Dame around this year?
Sean – Gary, Indiana

A: Are you kidding me?
He couldn’t turn his self around in a forty acre field.

Q: Mike it is almost that time of the year again!
So I have to ask…
Will the Scarlett Knights of Rutgers return to rule the Big East this year?
Skip – Piscataway, New Jersey

A: Doesn’t really matter, because nobody cares…

Q: We enjoyed your last post on Martel Van Zant of Oklahoma State.
Where is he now?
Pete – Tulsa, Oklahoma

A: Thank you Pete..
After completing his degree….
Martel is giving Arena Football a try..
He is currently playing for the Manchester Wolves..
You can drop him a line here…

Q: Dude why always banging on California?
What you got against us anyway?
Toby – Los Angeles, California

A: My Favorite Reason?
You all enjoy making fun of the way we talk in the South..
Your Governor can’t speak english..

Q: What makes you think everything is “better” in the south?
Chip – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: There simply isn’t enough room here Chip..
To list all the reasons that are abundantly obvious to everyone…
So I will say this…
There isn’t a single soul in Dallas….
Or Huntsville…
Or Pensacola….
That will be celebrating tonight because…
They got a job in Detroit…
Enough said…

Q: Are you NUTS?
There is no such thing as “President of Texas”!
You are crazy as hell!
James – Indianapolis, Indiana

A: If you have a problem with my being President of Texas…
You can take it up with my Vice President..
Chuck Norris..

Q: Mike is Tennessee Coach Lane Kiffin just immature, stupid or is he just a complete dumbass?
Drew – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Yes…

Q: Sir, There is currently a rumor running rampant on the sports pages…
That one of my distinguished colleagues, Urban Myer, may be leaving the University of Florida..
To possibly take the head coaching job at Notre Dame.
It would be a shame that a fine man of his caliber would leave a fine institution like…
The University of Florida…
He has noted that Notre Dame is his dream job…
Could you confirm as to whether there is any truth to this rumor?

Sincerely –
Mark Richt
Head Coach
University of Georgia

A: I smell a Georgia Tech fan behind this letter…

Enjoy your week…


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2 Responses to College Football News & Views

  1. TheBamaPrincess on June 1, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    You never disappoint!!! But, now I will have nightmares about that damn Geoduck – seriously, who approved that??

    Have a great week!
    The BamaPrincess

    PS – So, so thankful I wasn’t drinking liquids while reading about Kiffin or said liquids would be spewed on walls from laughing out loud!

  2. MEB on June 10, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    Thank you so much Bama Princess!

    I agree The Geoduck is sooooo disturbing….

    and as for “Lame” Kiffin…
    Well….I expect more humor from him in the future…


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