College Football Picks Week 1

September 2, 2010
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It’s finally here….
The “official” kickoff to the 2010 College Football Season…

This week we have some instate rivals and border wars….
We have Creampuffs and Wanna-be’s….
And we have a couple of games that will separate the contenders from the pretenders.

The National Anthem is over and the Marching Band is leaving the field…
My friend’s get on your feet, raise your voices in unison and put your hands together..
It’s time for kickoff…

Enjoy your picks…

THE PICKS

Thursday, September 2nd

Florida A&M at Miami
The Rattlers get rattled by a Hurricane…
Then proceed to get the living hell beaten out of them…
HURRICANES 43-14

Towson at Indiana
Don’t the folks from Towson make cookies?
Just wondering….
HOOSIERS 24-10

Shorter at Georgia State
Why are the Panthers starting the season playing a college for midgets?
I have a question: Shorter than what?
PANTHERS 33-23

Presbyterian at Wake Forest
Blue Ho’s and Demon Deacons….
Sounds like a party at Jimmy Swaggart’s house….
DEMON DEACONS 27-17

Hampton at Central Michigan
I didn’t know my favorite hotel chain had a college, who knew?
CHIPPEWAS 44-10

Norfolk State at Rutgers
I am sure my Italian friends in Atlantic City won’t be handicapping this game….
But if the Norfolk Spartans break their point spread they will be handicapped.
(But it will look like an accident)
SCARLET KNIGHTS 43-14

Marshall at Ohio State
This has the potential to be uglier than Prom Night at the school for the Blind
BUCKEYES 41-10

West Chester at Delaware
Why is Chester from “Gunsmoke” playing football?
He is almost as old as Bobby Bowden….
I just hope he doesn’t break a hip
BLUE HENS 38-17

Rockford College at Dubuque
The folks from Rockford call their team the “Regents”
What the hell is scary about that?
“RUN here come the Regents!”
I don’t get it….
DUBUQUE 24-17

Minnesota at Middle Tennessee
The O’ So Golden Gophers….
“The Other White Meat”
GOPHERS OF GOLD 31-28

Henderson State at North Alabama
They call the Henderson State athletic teams the “Reddies”
As in: “Get Ready” for the Lions to whip your ass….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Southern Miss at South Carolina
This game will be closer than you might think…
But the “real” USC’s defense will carry the day
GAMECOCKS 34-17

Northern Illinois at Iowa State
The Huskies will get blown away late in the game by a Cyclone
(Film at Eleven)
CYCLONES 28-24

Southeastern Louisiana at Tulane
I am still not sure what Tulane is referring to by calling themselves the “Green Wave”
It sounds like a Port-O-John Truck turned over on Bourbon Street…
Never Mind…
GREEN WAVE 34-10

Pittsburgh at Utah
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
So two Utes with Ukulele’s go into to see Bob Uecker, stop me if you’ve heard it
TWO UTES 28-24
EDITORS NOTE:
If Lou Holtz attempts to say the above sentence he will drown Mark May in spit

Eastern Washington at Nevada
The Eagles get plucked by the Wolfpack
(Which I heard hurts terribly)
WOLFPACK 38-10

Bentley at Carson Newman
Why name a university after a car that most people can’t afford?
That’s just stupid…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-17

North Dakota at Idaho
I will really be pulling for the Fighting Sioux in this one…
Because this university hasn’t bowed down at the altar of NCAA political correctness and continues the fight to keep their school mascot and nickname and that is reason alone to love them.
But I believe the folks from Famous potatoes will outdistance the Mighty Sioux in this one
VANDALS 33-28

Southern California at Hawaii
This will be the very “best” game on at 0330 EST Friday Morning
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Friday, September 3rd

Arizona at Toledo
The rockets will fizzle out like a pack of wet firecrackers before the first quarter…
WILDCATS 24-10

Sacred Heart at Marist
What is soooo “sacred” about their heart?
Talk about arrogant!
Doesn’t matter anyway, that Marist is a fox….
RED FOXES 33-24

Saturday, September 4th

Stony Brook at South Florida
Speaking of Stony Brook….
If you need a getaway or a vacation….
There is no finer place to escape than the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg.
It doesn’t get any better than that, anywhere and that’s no Bull.
Be sure and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
http://www.stonybrookchalets.com/
BULLS 38-10

Tennessee Martin at Tennessee

CORRECTION: The Tennessee Volunteers will NOT be playing against Tee Martin, who quarterbacked their team to the 1998 National Championship. “Tennessee Martin” is a school in the Tennessee University system located in west Tennessee.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding for the Volunteer fan base.
VOWELS 58-10

Samford at Florida State
This will be the first game that Coach Bobby hasn’t been on the Seminole sidelines…
Since the close of the Spanish-American War….
It’s kind of sad really….
NOLES 53-10

Miami (OH) at Florida
This is going to be uglier than Janet Reno in a bikini contest…
Sorry, I kind of threw up a little bit with that one…
MIGHTY GATORS 44-17

Chadron State at Pittsburg State
Finally a team with a mascot that is representative of their Cheerleaders!
GORILLAS 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan State
Another “big” battle in the State of Michigan…..
And that is exactly why nobody cares….
SPARTANS 34-17

Youngstown State at Penn State
There is NO truth to the rumor that Bobby Bowden will attempt to coach the Penguins this Saturday
in an attempt to “finally” beat Jo Pa.
FEAR THE GLASSES 41-10

Eastern Illinois at Iowa
The Panthers have the same chance of winning this game…
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a Victoria’s Secret model.
EYES OF THE HAWK 34-3

Louisiana Lafayette at Georgia
U La – La will be getting a rajin’ butt whipping between the hedges, believe it
DAWGS 34-10

Illinois at Missouri
This border clash is known as the “The Arch Rivalry”
MO knows rivalry games….
MO’S TIGERS 31-28

Appalachian State at Chattanooga
The Mighty Moc’s will keep this one close….
Right up until the opening kick-off….
MOUNTAINEERS 43-10

South Carolina State at Georgia Tech
You want to know the best thing about this game?
The stadium is close to the “Varsity” which is only the home of the World’s Best Chili Dogs
YELLOWJACKETS 44-10

Weber State at Boston College
The boys from my favorite outdoor grill college gets smoked on Chestnut Hill….
(Thought that up myself)
EAGLES 44-0

Colorado at Colorado State
I love instate rivalry games early in the season….
The Rocky Mountain Showdown for the coveted Centennial Cup
or as I like to refer to it….
The first nail in Dan Hawkins coaching coffin….
RAMS 33-31

Northwestern State at Air Force
This won’t be the first time the Air Force have bombed a group of Demons…
Nor will it be the last…
FALCONS 34-10

Kentucky at Louisville
The Battle for the Bluegrass and the winner takes home the Governor’s Cup.
Two new coach’s make their debut in one of the biggest games of the year for both teams.
In this game I believe a Joker will beat a Strong deck of Cards…
But not by much…
WILDCATS 24-21

Chowan at Citadel
What in the hell is a Chowan anyway?
Is it a dog, like half Chow half Malamute?
That doesn’t make any sense….
BULLDOGS 28-10

Connecticut at Michigan
Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” has promised to “ugly” the Wolverines to Victory this week
I am not sure what that means, but it makes me nauseous just thinking about it…
WOLVERINES 28-24

Millikin University at Illinois College
Let me be sure I have this right…
So the “Big Blue” is playing against the “Blueboys”
I would be “blue” too if I lived that far north….
BLUE 17-10

Savannah State at Georgia Southern
This is an excellent time to say…
I still miss Erk Russell…..
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Jacksonville State at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt……
That would be about now…
REBELS 34-10

North Texas at Clemson
“Mean Green” sounds like a kitchen cleanlier to me….
They could come in handy to get the blood off their uniforms after their visit to Death Valley
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Western State at Montana
These Mountaineers will most certainly be mauled by the Grizzlies…..
Believe it….
THE GRIZZ 43-10

Coastal Carolina at West Virginia
Smoldering, smoking couches in the morning smells like….
Victory!
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 53-10

Coe College at Iowa Wesleyan
So “Coe College” is known as the Home of the Kowhawks?
O.k., now people are just making up mascots…
Then what about calling themselves “Cow-Hawks”
It’s a flying cow that is a bird of prey..
It could be very scary if your lactose intolerant and afraid of the bird flu…
Never mind..
COWBIRDS 21-17

UCLA at Kansas State
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time, sorry.
(It’s going to be shown with limited commercial interruption)
BRUINS 21-17

Purdue at Notre Dame
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Shillelagh Trophy”
Which sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: I am just thankful Virginia Tech doesn’t play for something like this, could you imagine the headlines last year? “Hokies Wang waves his Shillelagh”

Texas at Rice
My favorite pudding gets breaded in a stampede…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

New Mexico at Oregon
The “Lobo’s and the Ducks”; this sounds like a Scooby Doo episode…
QUACKERS 5-3

UC Davis at California
I had every intention of watching this game…
But I understand the Food Channel is having a documentary on “The History of Macaroni”
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 7-3

Azusa Pacific at San Diego
“Azusa” sounds like a fungus, which is gross…
But to be honest “Toreros” doesn’t sound a whole lot better….
I can hear it now..
“Jimmy don’t scratch your Toreros or they will get a Azusa on them…”
Sorry I mentioned it….
TOREROS 17-10

Western Carolina at North Carolina State
I still think a “Catamount” sounds like…
An experiment at the taxidermy academy that went horribly wrong…
WOLFPACK 27-17

Richmond at Virginia
Neither of these teams could beat Southlake Carrollton High School….
So it’s a tossup….
CAVALIERS 21-17

Syracuse at Akron
The “Oranges and Zips”….
This sounds like one of those fruity drinks with an umbrella in it…
That’s about right…
ORANGE 23-21

South Dakota at Central Florida
The Coyotes from South Dakota will be mesmerized by seeing “sunshine” for the first time and be too distracted to play the game, causing an embarrassing delay in the telecast.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

Sacramento State at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same as….
the “Amish Butter Churning Championships” on ESPN 4 “The Cuatro”…..
My money is on Ishmael in this one….
CARDINAL 33-0

Wofford at Ohio
I like Coach Frank Solich and I believe this is the year of the Bobcat….
FRANKS CATS 28-17

Arkansas State at Auburn
I have a feeling the Red Wolves will be two touchdowns behind by the time they hear…
“And the home of the brave….”
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-0

Tennessee Tech at Arkansas
These “Golden” Eagles will be extra crispy by halftime…..
HAWGS 58-10

Elon at Duke
Following this Blue Devil victory all the Duke fans plan on rushing the field and tearing down the goal posts. Unfortunately, without the use of heavy equipment that feat is almost impossible to complete with only four people.
BLUE DEVILS 10-7

Western Kentucky at Nebraska
The Hilltopper mascot looks like something Nebraska’s mascot Lil Red threw up….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-10

Washington State at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys could not show up for the game and still win this one…
COWBOY UP! 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: For the Cowboy Fans…
Where has the prairie wind touched you lately?

Utah State at Oklahoma
The Aggies might win this game……
Just like somebody might find Jimmy Hoffa…..
(By the way, he was in row 53, section C of the old Giants stadium…don’t ask me how I know, just take my word for it)
BOOMER SOONER 44-10

Sam Houston State at Baylor
I cannot in good conscience say anything derogatory about Sam Houston…
He was the Hero of San Jacinto….
BEARKATS 24-20

Stephen F. Austin at Texas A&M
I can’t say anything bad about Stephen F. Austin either….
South of the Red River that’s a sin….
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

San Jose State at Alabama
Welcome to Alabama….
We hope you enjoy your ass whipping
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Memphis at Mississippi State
Nothing like a game between the “Cats and Dogs” to get things started…
This one is for you Bulldog Jim…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Army at Eastern Michigan
I wish the Black Knights of the Hudson could win this game, but they won’t….
EAGLES 24-20

North Dakota State at Kansas
Coach Turner Gill will have Jay’s Hawks ready for the Bison….
Speaking of Bison, what I wouldn’t give for a good Bison steak about now..
JAY’S HAWKS 31-17

Bowling Green at Troy
If you know anything about history…
Then you know Helen of Troy was known as a beautiful woman….
And I will tell you for a fact….
That she still is, even after all those years running that Feed store outside of Troy
MEN OF TROY 31-27

Washington at Brigham Young
No Upset Special Here…
The Huskies are just that damn good….
HUSKIES 33-31

Northwestern at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will be outmatched and out coached in this one…
Other than that they have a real chance..
WILDCATS 28-17

Oregon State at Texas Christian
The Beavers will keep this one close….real close.
And one turnover and this game goes the other way.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Texas State at Houston
Bob’s Cats are in for a beating of biblical proportions by the Cougars
Believe it…
MIGHTY COUGARS 49-10

LSU at North Carolina
This was going to be a good game; that was until the Tar Heels “Tutor-gate”
Now this is going to be really ugly….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Portland State at Arizona State
The Vikings are going to disappear in the Arizona heat faster than…
a Nutty Buddy at a Weight Watchers Meeting
SUN DEVILS 34-10

Cincinnati at Fresno State
I still believe in the Power of the BearKat…
Whatever that means…
BEARKATS 33-31

Wisconsin at UNLV
I assume….
When people in Wisconsin talk about “The Power of Cheese”
They aren’t referring to cutting it….
But then again, sometimes I assume too much…
BADGERS 28-10

Sunday, September 5th

Tulsa at East Carolina
Pirates and Hurricanes of Gold….
Isn’t this the title of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
PIRATES 24-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Proud Ponies won’t have a good day in Lubbock…
All the more reason to go see the Buddy Holly museum
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-24

Monday, September 6th

Navy at Maryland
They call this game “The Crab Bowl Classic”
Which is in no way a reference to a toilet seat at a dilapidated truck stop on I-95.
Just so you know…
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

Boise State at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
I didn’t stutter…..
HOKEY POKEY 28-24

Enjoy your games……
And One Last thing….

Happy Birthday to my friend “Gator” Ant this Saturday…
Enjoy your Birthday and the Gator win…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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5 Responses to College Football Picks Week 1

  1. Retired Marine form Louisville on September 2, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Mike,

    How in the Hell could you pick Kentucky over Louisville? Hadn’t I taught you nothin’?

    You’re slowly turning me into an Auburn fan!

    Semper Fi, I’m glad it’s college football time again!

    John Vincent
    LtCol USMC (Ret)

  2. Ant on September 3, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    I prefer to think of it as blazing the trail, out on point so you youngsters won’t be skeered; anything other than getting old(er)… See you in the ‘Burg.
    Go Gators! Ant

  3. The BamaPrincess on September 3, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Ok – ADMIT IT!! I know it and you know it and my MOTHER knows it . . . oh you are a sly one Mr. Wiz . . . after I stopped laughing, I realized that you made a TWO UTE joke just to butter up my mammy . . . what up wit dat?? 🙂 (I am speaking gangsta fo’ shizzle)

    It’s good to have you back! You are still funny as ever! Makes me do a snoopy dance!

    ROLL TIDE ROLL
    The BamaPrincess

  4. Kaye on September 5, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Who’s her mother?

    Thanks! another SEC season has begun!

  5. Bulldog Jim on September 7, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    BAMA Mike, Thanks for a great start of the new season. I was very happy for the “kick off” to finally arrive. Thank you for all of your wonderful input. Your pal, BJ

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