2011 College Football Preseason Extravaganza

August 5, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Your long wait is over.
No longer will you have to force yourself to watch Celebrity Poker or the Canadian Badminton Championships to have something “sport like” to fill your sports void.

EDITORS NOTE: Is it just me or does “Celebrity Poker” sound nasty to you too?
Sounds like a weekend at Charlie Sheen’s house to me.

You don’t have to gripe anymore about the Pennsylvania Amish Butter Churning Championship taking up your Saturday mornings on ESPN. Although I must confess, I was really cheering for Ishmael over that arrogant Abraham. Who cares if his buggy had racing stripes?

It’s time for the real deal…..
The 2011 College Football Season is finally here….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has once again produced your Preseason Guide to all things College Football for the upcoming 2011 Season.
Why, because I care, that’s why.

Enjoy the First Installment of the 2011 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.

The CFB Wizard 2011 College Football Preseason Prognostications

Under intense personal pressure to achieve his dream of becoming “America’s next top runway model”, CBS College Football studio analyst and former University of Tennessee Football Coach Phil Fulmer will undergo gastrointestinal bypass surgery. During the operation the surgical team will find the remains of a 1974 Oldsmobile, portions of a Piper Cubs landing gear and an undigested sack of concrete mix.

Sometime during this season a host of college football networks will parade a variety of young and pretty but exceptionally dumb females on the sidelines giving them the title “sideline reporters”.
You will hear such stimulating questions as….
“Why do they call it hamburger, because there’s like not any ham in it at all, right?”
“Did the cameras catch my shoes in that last shot? I just got them and they so match this new outfit.”
“Does this microphone make me look fat?”

Despite the sudden off season coaching change with the West Virginia Mountaineers, I have a sneaking suspension that everything is going to come together in Morgantown.

South Carolina Gamecock Quarterback Stephen Garcia will be indefinitely suspended sometime this season for the fifteenth time and Coach Steve Spurrier will defend his decision by saying “He really means it this time” and add “I think my twenty strikes and you’re out policy continues to be very effective”

On a sad note….
CBS College Football announcers Vern Lundquest and Gary Daniels will be released from the Betty Ford Center after being addicted last year to “Cammy Cam Juice” just in time for the start of the 2011 College Football Season. This sudden turn of events will force those of us watching the SEC game of the week to hit the mute button (again and again and again)

Speaking of that syphilitic troll that is Vern Lundquest ……
Vern is due to give birth sometime in October of this year to Cam Newton’s illegitimate child which was conceived in Atlanta after a night of drunken debauchery after last year’s SEC Championship game.
No word yet if the two will eventually wed.

This season Southern California Trojan Coach Lane Kiffin will once again demonstrate that he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing. But gosh he sure is motivating isn’t he?

EDITORS NOTE: I’ve seen more enthusiasm at a Chess Match

Michigan will still suck this year, just not as bad as last year.

Speaking of Michigan…..
This year former Michigan Wolverine Coach Rich Rodriguez’s will continue to devise “tricky” football plays in his Grandmothers basement while his wife “Rita Rod” appears on the next Vh1 installment of “Rock of the Skanks IV with Bret Michaels”.

North Carolina Tar Heel Coach Butch Davis will be fired due to the ongoing NCAA Investigation of the football program. No wait, that’s already happened. Sorry

Nebraska Cornhusker mascots “Lil Red” and “Herbie Husker” will be combined into one mascot later this season and he will be called “Little Herbie Corn Humper”.

EDITORS NOTE: Thanks to Steve and Miss Natalie for the above comment

Duke will have better student attendance at Blue Devil basketball practice than at any home football game this season.

Indiana University (See Duke Above)

The Arizona State Sun Devils “new” uniforms will make some viewers at home dizzy and subsequently projectile vomit from trying to follow them on television.

Oregon Ducks Uniforms (See Arizona State above and add “Go Blind”)

Ole Miss Coach Houston Nutt will “recruit” a number of players from some of the finer Correctional Institutions from around the country in an effort to “give them a chance at a better life” and as Coach Nutt so eloquently added, “and hopefully protect our quarterback”.

This season we can expect a host of ridiculously stupid Bowl game sponsors such as…
The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (I’m not kidding)
The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl (I might be kidding)
The Tidy Cat – Cat Litter Bowl (Don’t laugh, it’s on the way)

The NCAA will prove (once again) that the Dictatorship is alive and well by prohibiting any student-athletes from watching re-runs of the “Lone Ranger” on TV Land. The NCAA will cite as the reason for their latest edict, the inherent racist tendencies of the Lone Ranger by the fact that Tonto rode a smaller horse than the Lone Ranger.

ESPN and Big Ten College Football announcer Pam Ward will be arrested sometime this season for “Ear Rape” and her voice will be exhibit number one for the prosecution.

Since Penn State Coach Joe Pa has had double hip replacement surgery , both knees replaced and corrective surgery on both shoulders, it will be announced this year that Joe Pa is now the first official human-robot hybrid and then he will subsequently sign another extension to Coach at Penn State until 2050.

ABC College Football announcer Bret Musburger will set a new world record for mispronouncing college football players names on live television breaking the record set last year by fellow ABC announcer Bob Griese.

The Atlantic Coast Conference will be expanding later this season due in large part to their endorsement of gay marriage. It’s rumored that California Berkley and San Francisco Tech are looking to merge with the ACC later in the season.

This season ESPN Play-by-Play Analyst Craig James will still be an idiot

ABC College Football Studio Host John Saunders will continue to bash the Southeastern Conference despite the fact we have won everything there is to win in colligate sports the past several years.

Sometime this season LSU Coach Les Miles will forget how to read the game clock and the University of Tennessee Volunteers will be unable to account for 28 players on the field at the same time. These two events may coincide with one another.

By Mid-October the FCC will prohibit former coach and current ESPN Studio college football analyst Lou Holtz from using the term “suffering succotash” to alleviate the network’s fear that fellow studio analyst Mark May would drown in a torrent of spit if Coach Lou ever uttered that phrase.

This season the Red Raider Texas Tech Nation will still be wondering why the hell they hired Tommy Tuberville as the Head Football Coach.

Sometime this season you will see at least one mentally challenged cheerleader and untold number of fans of a particular university holding up their index fingers and shouting at the television camera “We are Number One!” when their team is actually 1 and 5.

Conference Realignment

I know this issue can be complicated and confusing for many of you, have no fear, that’s why I am here. I will explain the “new” realignment in several college football conferences in the hopes that it will relieve your anxiety and enhance your enjoyment of the upcoming season.

No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

The Pacific Athletic Conference or the “PAC 10” as it is commonly called now has twelve teams, but will retain the name “PAC-10” for reasons that make no sense at all.

However, their respective teams (six teams each) will be split between a north division and a south division.

Now this is where it may become confusing.

The two teams that joined the Pacific Athletic Conference wouldn’t even be close to the “Pacific” unless there was an earthquake of biblical proportions. I am talking about the University of Colorado Buffalos and the University of Utah Two Utes.

I know many of you just thought “What the Hell?”

Let me explain.

The University of Colorado joined the PAC-10 Conference because they got tired of getting their ass’s repeatedly kicked in the Big 12 and jumped at the chance to make more money and get their ass’s kicked by someone other than Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas A&M , and Texas every year. Make sense?

The University of Two Utes in Utah joined the PAC-10 Conference because they wanted to make more money and because nobody took them seriously when they were in the “Nobody Gives a Crap Conference”.

They call this conference “The Big Ten” and yep you guessed it, there are now twelve teams in the conference and they will retain the name “The Big Ten”.

EDITORS NOTE: And to think some people have the audacity to make fun of Southerners.
At least we can add and subtract.

Nebraska joined the “Big Ten” for a variety of reasons……
But the real reason they left the Big 12 Conference and joined the Big Ten?
The answer to that question rhymes with “honey”

Now the Big Ten has two different divisions too…..
You know what they named them?

Wait for it…..

The Legends Division and The Leaders Division.

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
Yes, it’s as gay as it sounds.

The Big 12 Conference….
This is where it gets a little tricky.
Due to the departure of Colorado and Nebraska from the Conference, they now only have ten teams in the conference, but still retain the name of “The Big 12 Conference.”

There are two solutions here.

The Big 12 Conference capitalizes on the latest diet and fitness craze by marketing the conference as “The Big 12 Conference, same great football without all the fat.” Or how about “The Big 12 Conference, everything you ever wanted in a college football conference, but less”

The Big 12 Conference and the Big 10 Conference switch names and then all would be right in the world. However, I would insist the “new” Big 12 keep their gay Legends and Leaders Divisions as part of the “switch”. That ridiculous idea wouldn’t fly in Texas and Oklahoma.

EDITORS NOTE: Crisis avoided, No need to thank me

When you hear the words “Big East” it makes you think all the teams are in the eastern part of the country right? Wrong.

The Big East Conference has now added Texas Christian University in Fort Worth Texas to the Conference roles, which last time I checked wasn’t even east of the Mississippi river.

But let’s not get into semantics here.

The Mighty TCU Horned Frogs joined the Big East Conference because they will make more money and get an automatic bid to a BCS Bowl if (I’m sorry) I meant to say “when” they win the Big East conference championship.

Does all this make sense now?
It’s all about the money and sense doesn’t have anything to do with it.

College Football “How to 101”

For those of you that are new to college football, I have prepared a simple and easy to follow guide to navigate you through the often confusing and treacherous waters that is college football.
So let us start at the beginning, with tailgating.

No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

Any college football game begins with tailgating.
It doesn’t matter if it takes place in the comfortable confines of your own home or at the campus stadium with thousands of your closest friends.
This sets the all important proper mood for the exciting day ahead.

Safety Tip: Before we get started….
Do not feel under any obligation to begin your tailgating experience like a seasoned LSU Tiger Fan. Few beginners can begin tailgating on Tuesday night before the game on Saturday Afternoon without waking up face down in a ditch near your home, with your clothes inside out. It’s important to pace one’s self throughout this process and to maintain continuity as the events transpire.

What to wear
At any pre-game event it’s very important to wear clothes indicating your team loyalty, such as something with your school colors or logo. This demonstrates your loyalty at a glance for those respective fans of your school and for those of the opposing school as well.

Notable exceptions to the above rule: Duke
It’s widely accepted that if you wear any Duke Blue Devil football paraphernalia on game day that you will have your lunch money taken from you and your bicycle stolen.
Also it’s just really embarrassing to be seen in public wearing anything like that.

It’s vitally important to have your tailgating area, as well as your vehicle, properly decorated and adorned with your schools colors, replicas of your universities mascot etc. University Tents, flags, stickers and other memorabilia are encouraged as well and are appropriate for the occasion. This rule applies to your home as well as your tailgating experience on the grounds of your university.

Notable exception to the rule: All University’s within the State of California
A college football game is about your passion and pride in your university. Waving flags or displaying signs promoting or celebrating anything to do with diversity or Saving Tibet or the Whales, promoting homosexual rights, homosexual marriage, legalizing marijuana or legalizing marijuana to save the homosexual Whales in Tibet who want to get married, is considered to be ridiculously stupid. Additionally this will identify you and or your group as someone who is inviting an ass kicking. This rule applies everywhere except on the campus’s in the State of California, where such conduct is not only tolerated it is encouraged.

EDITORS NOTE: The reason the Ivy League wasn’t included as a “Notable exception to the rule” described above, is because in truth, they really don’t play football in the Ivy League. However the student’s behavior at those universities closely mirrors those of their California counterparts.

BeveragesAny tailgating effort should also include a plethora of beverages for all ages.
There should be adult beverages readily available and in great supply, as well as drinks for those fans who bring their children to enjoy the game day experience.

Notable exception to the rule: Brigham Young University
It is important to note here that “milk” is only acceptable at a college tailgating event if you are an infant who is nursing or unless you are a BYU Cougar Fan.

No college tailgating experience would be complete without the food and snacks.
Each university has a signature dish that can be found in and around the stadium.
At LSU it’s the Gumbo, which is served hot and in great quantities.
At The University of Texas it’s the beef brisket which is slow cooked to perfection.
At Auburn University Spam is simmered over a hot car radiator until it is done.

Don’t be alarmed if you are unaware what signature dish may be associated with your respective school. Hotdogs and hamburgers are always acceptable along with a variety of side dishes that accompany such meals, such as chips and dip and almost any variety of finger foods and snacks.

Notable exception to the rule: University of Oregon
It is considered unacceptable to serve tofu or any vegan meals or snacks at a tailgating event unless you are a fan of the Oregon Ducks or any college or university within the state of California. Attempting to serve a meal like this anywhere in Texas, Oklahoma, or east of the Mississippi River will surely get you ostracized from your fellow fans and could possibly get your ass kicked.

Tailgating Festivities and Games
This is an optional activity for your tailgating experience and is no way considered a mandatory requirement. However, that being said it is acceptable for adults and children to toss a football around and or play a spirited game of touch football. Other such similar games are encouraged and are usually enjoyed by all.

Notable exception to the rule: University of Tennessee
I am aware that there is a “game” that is being played by a number of you on game days and for tailgating. It involves tossing a small bag of corn or beans into a circular hole cut into a piece of plywood. Most of these pieces of plywood have been painted with team colors to include school logos. The name of this particular game that I described is “corn hole”.
Perhaps this should fall into the “Safety Tip” category, however be aware if you find yourself on the University of Tennessee campus that this term takes on an entirely different meaning. That being said if you happen to hear the theme from “Deliverance” while the name of this game is mentioned…..RUN!
Additionally if you “don’t” want to play the “California version of this game”, I would suggest this simple safety tip. If you find yourself at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum to see the Southern California Trojans play and you drop your wallet at the concession stand, parking lot or in the stadium. Then I would recommend you kick it to Cheyenne Wyoming before you consider picking it up.

Additional Tailgating Festivities and Games Safety Tip: Under no circumstances should you let your children play a game of touch football with children from “another” school during a tailgating event. College Football isn’t “We are the World” and a place where we “All get Along”.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you want to see a full fledge fight break out between children and adults, just let a “little” game like touch football between “children” from two opposing schools get started. Enough said.

Traditional Greetings
On any given day, other than college game day, it is customary to greet you neighbor with a wave of the hand or a hearty “Good Morning!” even if your neighbor is a follower or fan of a rival school. However on game day it is acceptable and encouraged to greet your neighbor with simmering hostility such as with the following examples between neighbors who are affiliated with the Southern Methodist Mustangs and Texas Christian Horned Frogs.

NOT College Football Game Day

Herb: “Good Morning Reverend, It’s a beautiful day isn’t it?”

Reverend Tucker: “It certainly is Herb, have a great day today!”

College Football Game Day

Herb: “Hey Frog face, you can suck it”

Reverend Tucker: “Die you Pony loving jackass”

Herb: “I will right after you bring back my hedge trimmer you have had for the last six months! You know what the Bible says about stealing don’t you!”

Reverend Tucker: “I will bring it back right after the damn game today and I know right where I’m going to put it too!”

This kind of banter helps one attain the healthy level of aggression needed to prepare for the college football game ahead and add realism and clarity to any tailgating activity.

Notable exception to the rule: (Please see Below)
Some universities and fans of those universities should not engage in such activity due to the fact there is simmering hostility and some would say open hatred for each other all year long. Any attempt to engage another party in such a manner will quickly escalate into a 911 call. This will prevent you from enjoying the college football game of the day as most county detention centers do not have television sets.

A partial list of the above mentioned rivals to avoid are included in this guide for your knowledge and safety. They are listed in no particular order:
Alabama – Auburn
Texas – Oklahoma
Tennessee and Everybody
Oregon State and Oregon
Ohio State and Michigan
South Carolina – Clemson
Georgia – Georgia Tech
Florida – Florida State
Texas Christian – Southern Methodist
Texas A&M – Texas

Your next installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza will be out next week.
There will be Picks for the Conference Champions, College Football Team News….
Email Questions and Answers….
And Much More….

So Stay Tuned…..


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2 Responses to 2011 College Football Preseason Extravaganza

  1. Kaye on August 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    One, if not the funniest you’ve written. I’m talking FUNNY.

    I’m dying to speak with my daughters about this column and neither is answering their phone. Loved the “Two Utes”. the reference to some of the announcers and “Spam” got me. I was already ROFL then you come up with the “Tennessee vs Everybody” and well ….its gonna be a good day.

    Thanks Mike

  2. The BamaPrincess on August 14, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    Golly – We’ve missed this!!

    BUT you are in BIG trouble mister!!! I tried to read this right after putting J and K in bed . . . now they want to know why I am laughing and crying !

    The BamaPrincess
    (Yes, I’m letting Kaye know it’s okay to call now)

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