College Football Picks Week 14

December 2, 2010
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

As you might imagine…..
After last week….

I am awaiting a Liver Transplant from Wal-Mart
(It’s near the Sporting Good’s section in case you were wondering…)

Congratulations to the Auburn Tigers for perhaps the greatest in Iron Bowl History

See you all next year in Jordan Hare…..
With a new Liver…

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointed 37 and 12 or 76% last week..
What I wouldn’t give to have that “one” game back….

But I did pick the Boise Sate upset…..
No Need to thank me…

This leaves me at 582 and 142 or dropping slightly to 80% for the season.

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey! Who Cut the Cheese?
I always like to open my letters with something out of the ordinary!
(Did I tell you that already?)
I am in deep morning over the Wolverines loss to “You Know Who”
I truly believed the whorish looking Rita Rod could scare the team from “You know Where”
So here is my question…..
Is there anyway, through the use of a time machine or other scientific stuff….
That Michigan could get Vince Lombardi to coach our football team?
Thank you and don’t forget to wipe your feet!
(I always like to end my letters with something different too!)
GO WOLVERINES!
Tommy – Ann Arbor Michigan

A: Let me guess…..
You are a science major at Michigan and live in your grandmother’s basement…
Am I right Tommy?

Q: Thanks for the advice Mister Wizard….
I have been liquored up since last Thursday….
Between the Aggies win and my damn mother-in-law visiting
Not to mention my beloved Longhorns aren’t bowl eligible….
I plan on drinking until college football season is over….
I got to run my mother-in-laws dog “Gatlin” is leaving me a present near the Christmas tree…
Damn it all….
Clayton – San Marcos, Texas

A: I feel your pain my friend…

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
The MIGHTY Auburn Tigers took it to the Tide!
War Damn Eagle dumbass!
Danny – Opelika, Alabama

A: Congratulations on the great win ….
But you better hope Fig Newton stays eligible for another two games…
Because something is definitely wrong there….
Despite what the NCAA may be telling you at the moment…

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Well, the Iron Bowl is over…..
And I got to listen to my damn brother-in-law brag all damn year…..
It’s enough to drive a man to drink”

EDITORS NOTE: I hear you brother, I hear you….

THE PICKS

Thursday December 2nd

Arizona State at Arizona
This instate rivalry in the land of sand and illegal aliens….
Is called the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the coveted Territorial Cup….
Which looks a lot like a cactus in a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 28-24

Friday December 3rd

Illinois at Fresno State
I had every intention of watching this game…..
Until I heard David Hasselhoff was going to be singing the National Anthem…
There are some things a man just can’t stand to listen too….
And that’s one of them…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Saturday December 4th

Utah State at Boise State
This cross state rivalry is now known as….
“The Nobody cares Game, because the Broncos are out of the Picture”
I think it’s sponsored by Kodak
BRONCOS 112-3

Wofford at Jacksonville State
This Division I-A playoff game will be a dandy…..
I am going with the boys from Alabama
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Georgia Southern at William and Mary
Another Division I-A playoff game….
Bill and Mary get a bad case of the Statesboro Blues….
EAGLES 24-21

Washington at Washington State
In the Great State of Washington this rivalry is played for…
“The Apple Cup”
Yeah, that’s about all I have to say about that….
HUSKIES 34-17

UNLV at Hawaii
This is a wonderful time to mention….
Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday Nights
See your local listings for times in your area
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-14

South California at UCLA
This Battle of Los Angeles is a lot like a rumble between the Crips and Bloods….
Minus the do-rags….
Other than that it’s about the same…
O’ yeah and they play for a Victory Bell…
Yippee….
BRUINS 31-28

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
These two cities on the river square off for the coveted….
“Weekend in a Hot Tub with Kenny Rogers Award”
I hear it’s disgusting….
PANTHERS 24-21

Rutgers at West Virginia
The last game of the season in Morgantown….
I can almost smell the couches burning from here…..
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Nevada at Louisiana Tech
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a bikini….
If that’s even possible…
PACK OF WOLVES 53-10

Oregon at Oregon State
This game is simply called…
The Civil War and there is nothing Civil about it….
They play for the Platypus Trophy
Which looks suspiciously like a girl I took to the Prom
QUACKERS 38-34

Connecticut at South Florida
This is the “Big” Game for the Big East Title….
And the winner of this game is a shoe in for the coveted
“Purina Monkey Chow Bowl” in St Louis Missouri….
How prestigious is that?
HUSKIES 31-28

The Division II Semi-Final Games…..

Sheppard at Mercyhurst
There will be a lot of Mercy given on Saturday…..
Which is nice…
MERCY ME 31-24

Delta State at Albany State
I doubted the Fighting Okras last week….
And they defeated my beloved Florence Lions….
I should have been listening to Okra Winfrey….
FIGHTING OKRA 38-34

Central Missouri at Northwest Missouri
Did I not pick the Mighty Mules in an upset last week?
(The answer is: Yes I did….)
That trend continues this week…
MIGHTY MULES 31-28

The Southeastern Conference Championship Game
Auburn and South Carolina
This game will be a lot closer than you think….
A whole lot closer
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28

The BIG 12 Championship Game
Nebraska and Oklahoma
These age old rivals meet one last time for the conference title….
It’s going to be one hell of a game
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

More to come so stay tuned…
Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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6 Responses to College Football Picks Week 14

  1. Kaye on December 2, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Yeah, I’m not believing there is no problem w/Newton

    Took a while to finally act on R.B and USC

    Thanks, I await each week to read you.

  2. Bulldog Jim on December 2, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    BAMA Mike, All I can really say…..Thank you for a wonderful season of CFB WIZARD. Simply GREAT! By the way, I will take 80% any year!Better than most professionals! Enjoy the bowls and remember, Much love to you and your family. I will wrap this up in “Maroon and White.” Always, your pal, Bulldog JIM

  3. Deke on December 2, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    My friend, Marine, and Football Wizard, thank you for another great year of football picks. Thanks especially for your tribute, Steel Magnolia, and being able to honor Sarah at her funeral by reading those words. Thanks again and we need to meet somewhere soon!

  4. margaret on December 4, 2010 at 8:50 am

    i sure hope you’re right about auburn beating carolina—it has not been a fun season watching the gamecocks play so well while my tigers just plain sucked!!!

    . thanks!

  5. The Bamaprincess on December 4, 2010 at 10:39 am

    I think the platypus mention is my fave & what IS up with Coach Rod’s wife? Can’t believe you used the ultimate curse the war . . . Ugh .
    . .can’t say it .

    The Bamaprincess .

  6. Icheer4Bama on December 8, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    There is no loss more painful for me to bear than to lose,”…to that cow college across the state.”

    Counting down to the next Iron Bowl already.

    ROLL TIDE ROLL!

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