College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza Part II

August 6, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen –

As promised…..

I present the second installment of your 2013 College Football preseason Extravaganza

And might I add….

That your adulation has once again been commensurate with the quality of entertainment

I am humbled and somewhat embarrassed by your overflow of emotion……

Especially so from the lady in Hot Springs Arkansas

Please don’t send anymore of your underwear to the CFB Wizard Headquarters;

I already have a boat cover, thank you


OREGON: The Quacks of Oregon have announced that they now have a new “suite” of uniform combinations for the 2013 college football season.


That’s what’s important to you is mismatching a bunch of obnoxious funny colors together?

Therein lies the difference between the PAC 12 Conference and the SEC in one sentence

One is about “looks” and the other is about “results”

Enough said

TEXAS A&M: From the spoiled Brat of Football file…..

This past week Johnny Football’s parents came out of the closet

(No not THAT closet)

They complained and whined that Texas A&M “hasn’t done enough to promote and protect their son…”

I will simply say this about that…

This is what happens when you allow one player to stay at a separate hotel from the rest of the team…

When one player doesn’t have a curfew

When one player has three Aggie Campus Police officers assigned to him to get him “home” on game nights (that’s home and away games folks….)

When one player doesn’t have to actually go to school and attend classes but can take his courses online

When one player has a “personal assistant”

When one player can sell his autograph and other memorabilia and keep the proceeds

This is the end result of spoiling an athlete and it will ultimately ruin any “team” discipline you may have, believe me

Or as it has been so beautifully said in days past…

“Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child”

PAC 12 CONFERENCE: In a dispute that was reported last week, Direct TV and other television affiliates and satellite services have refused to televise any of the PAC 12 Conference football games this season causing the Commissioner of the Conference to call for a “boycott” of those satellite services.

In a bold move to improve viewership the PAC 12 Conference this week signed an exclusive television deal to televise PAC 12 football games on the Cartoon Network between midnight and six a.m. EST
The Commissioner was quoted as proudly saying…

“We feel that the partnership between the PAC 12 and the Cartoon Network provides us the best opportunity to promote PAC 12 Football”

WISCONSIN: The whining and crying continues from Badger Country because their Coach left them to coach at the University of Arkansas in beautiful Fayetteville Arkansas.

The badger fans have called him a “traitor”

And worse

I want to make it clear so you Cheese Heads can understand why your coach left for Razorback Country


Enough said….

But as a side note our barbeque is A LOT better in the South than it is in the Land of Cheese

The Girls are Way prettier….

Tailgating before games is way better….

The weather’s better….

The food is better….

The Music’s better

The College Marching Bands are better

The College Mascot’s are better

The football is better….

Yeah, that about cover’s it

DELTA STATE: Last week I failed to mention the Mighty Fighting Okra in the mix for Division III Championship, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Never count out the Fighting Okra – Ever

NCAA: So you decided to let the Oregon Ducks “Off the Hook” for violation after violation after violation of NCAA Rules. That’s surprising given the NCAA’s heavy handedness towards the South.

It didn’t have anything to do with your NIKE contracts, did it?

I’m just asking….

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY: The one tradition that we all enjoy

(Or are least still allowed to enjoy…)

Is the very end of College Football Gameday and Coach Lee Corso…..

Enjoy this short video of the “History of the Headgear”

IOWA: Most recently the Hawkeye football staff have lamented that they “can’t find anyone to play on the offensive and defensive line of scrimmage”

Are you kidding me?

Are we supposed to believe that the Hawkeyes can’t find ANYBODY in the whole state of Iowa BIG enough to play on the line of scrimmage?

Might I suggest going to your local Wal-Mart to “recruit”

CLEMSON: Nobody is talking about the Clemson Tigers this year….

They will be soon enough

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Coach Lame Kitten today embraced the world of political correctness when he defended comments made about the Trojan offensive line when one sportswriter called them all “fat”

“That is a VERY Offensive term” stated Coach Lame Kitten who went on to say “They are NOT fat and I will NEVER use such an offensive term; I like to think of them as dyslexic anorexics”

OHIO STATE: In an unprecedented move, Coach Urban Myer has insisted that players and staff of the Buckeyes no longer refer to him as coach but as “Mufsa the Football King”.

And as a side note it is rumored that “coach” Myer’s does a crappy James Earl Jones imitation

ALABAMA: Assistant Coach and Defensive Coordinator for the Crimson Tide Kirby Smart said recently that last year’s 2012 Alabama defense “wasn’t that good”

Through exhaustive research and using the latest up to date technology I will provide a visual of last year’s Alabama’s Defense as seen through the eyes of the viewer at home watching television and for those actually on the playing field and in the opposing team’s assistant coaching booth located high above the stadium.

Opposing Teams


Q: Dear Mr. College Football Wizard

As the Commandant of the Naval Academy here in beautiful Annapolis Maryland I want to second the letter last week from Chair (person) of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey and echo his charge for diversity within the military in general and in the military academies more specifically.

Certainly the “call for change” hasn’t been easy nor has it been easy preparing women as leaders for combat roles. I mean give me a break, none of them can read a map or use a compass and it takes 2 extra hours on field exercises when they “stop and ask for directions” to the objective.

And don’t get me started about them trying to “color coordinate” the camouflage uniform, face paint etc. with their eye shadow and nails. I have had three petty officers and two gunnery sergeants on staff threatening suicide over the whole thing.

But I digress….

We here at the Naval Academy have already changed our fight song to make it more “inclusive” by adding lyrics that salute the gays and lesbians and tri-gendered persons and any other fruit rollups the government so identifies.

Of course it’s hard for the marching band at the Naval Academy to keep up with the changing lyrics and the changing of the times, but to combat this bastion of maleness we have followed the lead of West Point by instituting a “zero tolerance” policy for any and all heterosexual behavior in the ranks.

It hasn’t been easy, but something as worthwhile as diversity is a battle worth undertaking.

At least until I can retire next year with thirty years of service and 100% retirement.

But that being said, this policy has been slow to implement

The Midship-person’s (we changed the name of that too…)wanting to go into the SEAL community are quickly identified and forced to listen to Kenny Chesney records and attend Corndog Eating Contests.

We aren’t sure that it is having the desired effect as they tend to laugh a lot at our suggestions.

Nothing can stop our implementation of this diversity policy or as we like to say

“We are Full Steamin’ Seamen Ahead”

Thank you for your service

Vice Admiral Joseph “Fighting Joe” Buttsniffer
Naval Academy

A: Thank you Admiral for confirming what I had thought for years……….

You have to be a Buttsniffer in order to be promoted to the rank of General Officer

Q: Dear Sir,

As mayor of Auburn, Alabama I have been faced with the quandary of how to come up with a memorable and worthwhile occasions for post-game victory celebrations when Auburn sometimes wins.

As you know, our glorious trees are all but on their death bed and will be removed shortly. It takes decades for young oaks to sprout and grow to the stately grandiose size of those at Toomer’s Corners.
We were thinking about putting up poles, but it just wasn’t the same. Then out of the blue, one of
resident students came up with a grand idea.

Think Christmas. Think ever-green. If you thought ‘artificial’ you’d be right. Yes, we have contacted the premier producer of artificial trees in the world for a solution. We put together an ensemble of students, faculty, and advisors and took the long journey to the heart of artificial tree country, the Pearl River region of China.

The Long Trim Lim Tree Company has been producing trees for use in our country for decades. When we explained the dilemma, their engineers jumped right in to help our distraught students and alumni right a wrong perpetuated on this community by a derelict of unparallel proportions. Made in 12 six foot sections, the trees will be shipped to Mobile and trucked to Auburn for erection in time for the beginning of the 2013 season.

Since expectations are again low this year, we expect completion to coincide with the mid October game against Western Carolina. I hope you will help in spreading the word to all our Auburn Faithful that the tradition of Toomer’s Corner is not completely dead. And as luck would have it, we expect the newly planted oaks replacing the old ones to mature about the same time as our beloved Tigers make another run for a National Championship, around 2048.
Bill Ham
Auburn, Alabama

A: Just a thought….

Have you thought about the idea of “Toomer’s Shurb’s”

It’s got a nice ring to it

Q: Sir,

I have been a big fan of yours for a long time.

Unfortunately, despite the fact that you’re my idol, I’m going to have to do something I absolutely hate to do. Mr Wizard, I’m letting you know that my lawyers have examined your website and it looks like we may have to sue you for copyright infringement.

I know what you’re thinking and I didn’t want to do it but ever since I copyrighted my nickname, “Johnny Football”, this thing has taken on a life of its own.

I mean I HAD to go after the T-shirt guy! I know right?

Your case is a little more subtle. See, “Johnny Football” contains the word “football”. Your website name also contains the word “football”. Since I’ve got that copyrighted, you’re going to have to pay me to use it. You wouldn’t believe how many lawsuits my lawyers have.

I mean they’re going after Monday Night Football, the National Football League, that show College Football Today on cable. It’s just amazing!!!

And you know the best part? I get to keep the money!!! Yeah!!!

The NCAA said I could cause it’s not like somebody gave it to me. They said I could keep money I get from lawsuits. And guess what? There’s a bunch of our players that are suing a bunch of our rich alumni right this very minute for all kind of things.

Once this catches on we shouldn’t have any trouble getting some real good recruits down here.

So, anyway, if you’d just change your name to the College Wizard or something we’ll be alright.
Well, after you pony up that half a mil we’re coming after you for.

Have a great day, sir!!!
Johnny Manziel

A: I might be wrong….

But I think your fifteen minutes of fame has about run its course

Q: Dear Sir

As this is the third such letter we have sent you, so I do not think it necessary to identify myself as Ms. Gretchen Wilson’s Attorney. That being said, we have reviewed your commentary in last week’s article entitled “The 2013 College Football Preseason Extravaganza” and insist that you cease and desist any mention of my client as “your girlfriend” and or any mention of an ongoing “relationship” with my client.

Additionally we insist upon a retraction of any reference stating such erroneous falsehoods.

The two previous letters sent from this office have warned you to stay off Ms Wilson’s property and to immediately cease and desist sending Ms Wilson, any more letter’s, flowers and what appears to be an amateur taxidermy sculpture of squirrels mating.

Frankly I found the squirrel sculpture demented as well as deeply disturbing.

Any additional contact with Ms. Wilson and the appropriate law enforcement agencies will be contacted to include the Game and Fish Commission and the Taxidermy Union Local 210.


D. R. Porter
Porter – Rogers – Davidson
Attorneys at Law
Nashville, Tennessee

A: She is SO cute when she get’s those lawyers to threaten me like that!

That gal is crazy about me….

Q: Hey there Mister Wizard!

I want you to know that I am a Miami Dolphins Fan, but not on porpoise!

HAAAAAAAAAA! I crack myself UP!

O.k. I have a college football question for you Wizard!

Will the Miami Hurricanes win the ACC Title this year?

I think so!

Gerald – Miami, Florida

A: The Hurricanes WILL win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship this year…

IF the other universities in the conference forbid their teams from playing any of the scheduled games

Q: Dear College Football Wizard

Man I am seriously bummed out today!

So check this out….

My girlfriend said that Notre Dame and Alabama were playing “again” on ESPN Classic on Saturday Night and I thought “AWESOME! I bet we beat their butts this time!”

So I call a bunch of my friends over and we party a little bit and get ready for the big game!

We were all wearing our Notre Dame gear, Hey one of my buddies (Sean) even dressed like a leprechaun!
It was awesome dude!

So guess what the hell happened?

Yeah, they whipped us again by the same damn score as last year.

I think it’s straight up BS that “Mister I have an Invisible Girlfriend” STILL couldn’t tackle anybody!

Man we are bummed out here in South Bend

Do you have any words of encouragement that could help us out?

The Irish Gang – South Bend, Indiana

A: Just say NO to Drugs guys, seriously…..

Q: Dear Sir

I enjoy reading your column but I am an extremely busy man and simply don’t have time to read the entire Preseason Extravaganza nor review’s and prognostications.

If I may, could a request a brief synopsis of last year’s season and your opinion on that season?

I would like to have that as a point of reference before I digest this year’s predictions.

Thank you

J. Mark Simpson – Kansas City, Missouri

A: I will be glad to sir, below is a brief review and short opinion of last year’s college football season.


Alabama Beat Arkansas

Arkansas Fired their Coach….

Alabama Beat Tennessee

Tennessee Fired their Coach….

Alabama Beat Auburn

Auburn Fired their Coach….

Alabama Beat Notre Dame

The Pope Resigns….

I really wish the Internal Revenue Service had a Football team


Please break out your Rand McNally Atlas and follow along closely because this could get confusing.

The Big East will become the American Athletic Conference with virtually nobody in it….

Except Houston, Southern Methodist, Memphis, and Central Florida who departed Conference USA

(Don’t worry; with so few teams it will be easy to police…)

The Louisville Cardinals are heading to the Atlantic Coast Conference despite being located on the Ohio River, while Syracuse and Pittsburg moved to the Atlantic Coast as well, while not being able to find the Atlantic on a map.

Ditto the Notre Dame Not So Fighting Irish next year as they have officially retired their Kelly Clarkson “Miss Independent” CD and Music Video.

Meanwhile Rutgers left for the BIG 10 or sixteen to ensure they will be at the bottom of whatever division they are assigned too in the conference that can’t count past ten.

The Maryland Fighting Multi-Colored Linoleum will also join the Big 10 or sixteen next year to compete with Rutgers for the bottom tier of that league.

Utah State and San Jose State Joined the Mountain West Conference this year assuring Boise State of at least two more “conference wins” as they attempt to once more go undefeated in conference play.

Conference USA…..

While Houston, Southern Methodist, Memphis, and Central Florida departed….

Middle Tennessee State, Florida Atlantic, Florida International House of Pancakes, Louisiana Tech, North Texas and University of Texas San Antonio, Old Dominion and Charlotte joined the Conference.

While the teams above “joined” Conference USA by departing the Sun Belt Conference

The Sun Belt added Texas State, Georgia State and soon to join Appalachian State and Georgia Southern along with Idaho and New Mexico State


Don’t feel bad

So am I


As you all know by now, I never (ever) give print to sports other than college football, but frankly this is just too good to pass up. Last week I got back to the RTR Farm and turned on the television.

For whatever reason the final minutes of a NASCAR race was on and I heard this…

“It’s great that he won the race, after all he had been racing midgets in this area for several years”

EDITORS NOTE: When I heard this I thought to myself….

Seriously, you can race MIDGETS?

That is AWESOME! How do you get into the “sport” of Midget racing?

Can you raise them for racing like you do horses?

I have some extra property I think I am going to start training midgets to race, but I don’t know if I can keep them in the barn I hear they can be messy as hell.


BIG EAST or American Athletic Conference (take your pick): This one is TOOOOO Easy….

The Louisville Cardinals will not only win the Conference Title before moving over to the ACC..

But they will finish the season undefeated

Believe it

BIG 12 (Lite): The Champion of the Big 12 ( Lite) Conference that is known to have all the “taste” of a real conference but with “half the calories” will be the Oklahoma State Cowboys followed closely by Baylor (“Yes” I said Baylor…..) and Texas Christian University.

But don’t count out the Oklahoma Sooners…..

BIG 10: Despite the addition of cellar dwellers from other conferences…

The BIG 10 (or whatever…) remains the BIG 2, little (fill in the blank for the appropriate number)

The “Big” Two traditionally have been Ohio State and Michigan and it will remain so….

This year the Buckeyes will take the conference crown followed closely (very closely) by Michigan

But don’t take your eyes off the Nebraska Cornhuskers; they will be the surprise team this year.

CONFERENCE USA: For the Conference USA Championship I am going with the only stable program that is still in the conference; The Southern Miss Golden Eagles

Followed closely By East Carolina and WE ARE MARSHALL

MID AMERICAN: This one will be relatively easy as well….

Frank’s Ohio Bobcats will claw their way to another Championship but don’t overlook the Falcons of Bowling Green this season.

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE: The ACC Championship will be decided on October 19th in Death Valley when the Mighty Seminoles of Florida State come to Clemson.

My Guess……

The Clemson Tigers will win the ACC Championship this year

Believe it

PACIFIC something or another 12 CONFERENCE: The Quacks of Oregon are everybody’s favorite in this conference, but I wouldn’t rule out the surprisingly improved UCLA and Oregon State teams.

And the Stanford Cardinal with the goofy tree mascot will add a few surprises this year as well

And as an extra added bonus…..

You can see almost all their games on the Cartoon Network from Midnight until six a.m. EST

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE (WAC): The WAC YAK Paddy WAC give a Dog a Bone Conference is nothing but a farty, dusty old memory of delusional victories and mythical championships.

Ah Good Times…

MOUNTAIN somewhere over the rainbow CONFERENCE: The Boise State Broncos will (Once Again…) will win the Conference Title by playing virtually nobody you ever heard of although I will say that the Truex State Flushing Commodes are improved from last year and should once again be runner-up in the conference.

SUN BELT CONFERENCE: Make No mistake about this pick….

The Western Kentucky Hilltoppers and Coach Bobby Petrino will win the Conference Title

While shocking at least one Southeastern Conference team along the way….

Believe it….

INDEPENDENTS (Cue the “Miss Independent” Kelly Clarkson video)

Ok, so what teams do we have to choose from here……

Army, BYU, Idaho, Navy, New Mexico State and Notre Dame…..

Before my big prediction I want to share a wonderful picture describing football at West Point

West Point

Yeah that about sums up this group as a whole….

My Pick is (Once again) The Home of invisible Girlfriends and Golden Gnomes

Notre Dame

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: The South Carolina Gamecocks, Florida Gators and the Georgia Bulldogs will once again compete for the Eastern Division Crown of the Southeastern Conference and the right to play in Atlanta for the Championship of the SEC. However I will also say that Vanderbilt has quickly become the team you don’t want to play, they bring the heat each and every week and they are well coached. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that with the new Lesbian coach at Tennessee the Volunteers are hungry to butt chug an opponent (I’m sorry did I say that out loud?)

My Guess for the Eastern Division Title…..

The South Carolina Gamecocks….

In the Western Division the LSU Tigers, the Aggies of Texas A&M and the Mighty Crimson Tide of Alabama will slug it out for the title. But don’t underestimate Ole Miss, Auburn or the resurging Arkansas Razorbacks or they will knock you out of contention and leave you wondering what the heck happened.

The Western Division Title this year will be none other than the Alabama Crimson Tide

(Yeah I said it….)

But let’s be honest here

That’s why we watch the Southeastern Conference play football

One single play can determine a season or a championship

One dropped pass, one interception, one missed opportunity and a chance at a championship is over

Week after week the competition gets stronger and better

The games more important, more serious

The Rivalries

The Upsets

Anything can (and will) happen

So tighten those chin straps and get your game face on….

It’s almost time for kickoff

UP NEXT – Week One Picks and Prognostications

So stay tuned…..



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