Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s Halloween Week, (Said in an eerily frightening voice….)
And I don’t need to tell you what that means, do I?
This is when Fat Phil Fulmer from Tennessee rises from the Pumpkin Patch…
And devours little children covered in powder sugar…
Consider this your “Spook-a-luscious” Public Service Announcement of the week
EDITORS NOTE: I can’t believe I used that cheesy word again this year….
I’m sorry
Enjoy Your Picks…
Weekend Rewind….
I know what you are probably saying…..
The Ole CFB Wizard really fumbled the weekly picks out of the endzone last week.
Well “IF” you think I had a bad weekend…
At least my weekend was better than Bad Dead Daddy in Syria….
And he was even playing a home game, which apparently just went to the dogs.
EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering, “yes” that was a play on words.
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 41 and 6 or 87% last weekend
EDITORS NOTE: I know, it’s a lot like me in plaid pants; it doesn’t look good.
But that leaves the CFB Wizard overall at 464 and 79 or 85%
EDITORS NOTE: See comment on me in plaid pants above and repeat.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
NCAA: With all the distractions lately about paying student-athletes in college..
They apparently have forgotten all about their personal crusade to rid the world of offensive mascots.
Such as Northern Colorado, semi-unofficially known as..
“The Fighting Whittie’s”
But why stop at colleges and universities?
The crack (or cracked) staff here at The CFB Wizard has uncovered other heinous mascots (They are very hurtful)
Up around Hanford Washington, we have….
The Richland High School Bombers!
They’ve got a defense that will blow you up like an Atomic Bomb!!!
EDITORS NOTE: Really? Like Nagasaki wasn’t enough? Offensive..
In Orofino, Idaho, we have…
The Orofino Maniacs!!!
Those people are just crazy about their football team!!!
EDITORS NOTE: This is offensive to those that have a mental illness.
This one is from Devils Lake, North Dakota
Although the name and mascot have changed
We hear that the Satan’s play one helluva football game!!!
EDITORS NOTE: I think we can all agree….
We know where these people are going…..H. E. Double Hockey Sticks!
Coachella High School out in California, of all places, has a unique mascot…
The Arabs
And to help cheer the team on, he has a belly dancer help him out on occasion.
But, be careful when you play them…
You get out to a lead and they’re liable to send a referee with a suicide vest into the huddle of the opposing team!!!
EDITORS NOTE: That mascot looks a lot like the “late” Big Dead Daddy..just saying
MICHIGAN: Well, just because..
COACH’S HOT SEAT O’ METER:
Temps Are Rising on…
Chad Morris of Arkansas – It just keeps on going downhill for the Razorbacks. Another week, another loss. This time to Bama. But, cheer up Razorback faithful!!!
You’ve got a #1 vs #2 matchup of this weeks CFB Coaches Hot-Seat-O-Meter leaders in none other than Joe Moorhead of Mississippi State!!!
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 92-97 (But, yeah, the buyout….)
Joe Moorhead of Mississippi State – The Bulldogs continue to struggle and the heat keeps rising on Coach Moorhead. But, up next is fellow Hot Seater Chad Morris and the Arkansas Razorbacks. Not sure how this one turns out because we have overtime rules and SOMEBODY has to win
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 93-98 (Same, same with the buyout)
Will Muschamp of South Carolina – Gamecocks faithful were absolutely overjoyed about the win over Georgia. Then came Florida. Yeah, the officials made some bad calls, but that was winnable. And then it happened. Tennessee. I made a prediction earlier that the loser of this game would be gone. I’m sticking by that prediction, especially since Muschamp has been in Columbia for so long. None of the games left on the schedule look like sure fire wins, even with Vandy and App State on the schedule.
Turn on the smoke alarms cause the…
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 98-99
Temps dropping on…
Jeremy Pruitt of Tennessee – For the first time in his short career on Rocky Top, Velveteers Coach Jeremy Pruitt has experienced a reduction in temps on the Hot Seat-O-Meter. But there are quarterback issues in Knoxville and UAB on the horizon. And UAB ain’t going to be a polite guest.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 75-80
(It’s Tennessee folks, they’ll find some way to screw things up)
Willie Taggert of Florida State – The “huge” Syracuse win seems to have bouyed a little confidence in the ‘Nopes fans as of late. But… c’mon, it was Syracuse who had only beaten Maryland, E. Michigan, and Holy Cross. Message boards seem to indicate that FSU fans are tossing the Florida game, torn on Miami and BC, and feel Alabama State is a gimme. Will Florida State make a streak of missing bowls or actually get an invitation to some minor event like the Tarpon Springs Sponge Bowl?
We’ll see.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 80-85
THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
I have a question that I hope you can help me with.
My wife (Debbie) and I have eleven children.
Debbie and I are die-hard Florida Gator Fans, but there is a problem.
Each of the children have more or less started adopting their own college football teams
One is a Gator fan, two are Seminole fans, one is a Hurricane fan and…
Two of the damn kids are Georgia fans. The rest are too little, but I am worried.
What can we do?
Distraught in Ocala (Marc and Debbie) – Ocala, Florida
A: First things First Marc…
You and your wife have eleven damn children?
Seriously?
Before we get into your problem, I have to tell you, you need a hobby.
And in the event that your “hobby” is your wife, let me say this…
You need to stay out of Your Hobby’s Lobby for a while
If you know what I mean
Q: Your smartass comments last week on certain games demeaning Democrats was ridiculous!
You are a worthless Piece of $#@! And you should apologize!
Rebecca – Albany, New York
A: Thank you for the well thought out and articulate email Becky.
For your information I did attempt to apologize earlier this week.
I sent Hillary Clinton an email, but she must have deleted it.
Q: Hey man, how come you don’t ever write on Pro Football?
Thanks
Stuart – Cairo, Illinois
A: Thank you for the question Stuart, I appreciate it.
The answer to your question is simple
I don’t (can’t) write about a football league that the quarterbacks never get dirty.
Q: Dear Mr. College Football Wizard
I wrote you a poem I hope you like it.
“Roses are Red, and Violets are Blue, I hope you Die”
The End
Anonymous – Charlotte, North Carolina
A: That was kind of catchy…
Do work for the Hallmark Greeting Card Company?
Q: Hey CFB Wizard!
Why don’t you follow or pick any games in the Ivy League?
They have some really AWESOME teams than can compete with ANYONE!
J-Rod – Boston, Massachusetts
A: It’s apparent to me and every other reader here….
That you don’t have The SEC Network.
That’s all I have to say about that
THE GAMES
Thursday 31 October
West Virginia at Baylor
Slightly off the subject of this game…..
Despite tasting like sugary wax, I think candy corn is delicious
There, I said it
DA BEARS 31-28
Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
This rivalry between two powerhouses, is a bitter one…
“IF” you want to see something scary on Halloween, this is it.
MOUNTAINEERS 34-31
Friday 1 November
Navy at Connecticut
I thought “Friday Nights” was for High School football games….
Just saying
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 28-24
Saturday 2 November
Utah at Washington
“Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab, will disagree with me on this pick..
But he still loves my “Two Ute’s” jokes…
He’s such a Good Boy…
TWO UTES 31-24
Carson Newman at Mars Hill
I have a question….
Why isn’t Mars Hill known as the “Martians”?
It’s a reasonable question
EAGLES 44-34
Southern Methodist at Memphis
ESPN’s College Game Day will be at the home of Elvis this week…
I am not embarrassed to say it…
I am all shook up
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34
Cincinnati at Eastern Carolina
Nope, not even close, let’s move along
BEARKATS 41-10
Oregon State at Arizona
Have you ever seen two geriatric people fighting over a pudding cup at the old folk’s home?
Yeah, this game will be a lot like that
BEAVER’S CLEVER 3-2
Colorado at UCLA
Why won’t Colorado let Wynonna travel to away games you may ask?
Because, she has a history of starting fights at the buffet line at Golden Corral
(Hey I am just reporting the facts, don’t be mad at me)
WYNONNA’S 33-31
Ouachita Baptist at Southern Arkansas
I thought “Southern Arkansas” was Louisiana?
GOTCHA BAPTIST 34-17
Rutgers at Illinois
It’s Halloween so here you go..
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-10
Northwestern at Indiana
Another rivalry game from the conference that can’t do simple math..
This one is for the coveted “Bacon Belt”
Not that any of us actually care
HOOTERS 6-3
Norwich at Catholic
Ok, is this ALL Catholic’s are just the one College?
Because having millions of people playing against Norwich is just wrong.
To say nothing of the substitution problem the Catholics will have in the game.
Never mind..
NORWICH CADETS 28-24
Nebraska at Purdue
It’s going to be close, but it is Halloween week after all
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 33-31
Miami at Florida State
There was a time that this was a marque game between two contenders
Now it’s like watching a re-run of Rocky Part XXII
SEMI COLONS 4-3
North Dakota State at Youngstown State
This game is always a tussle and this one will be no exception
MIGHTY BISON 31-28
Michigan at Maryland
The Wolverines are Back!
(Not really, but I wanted to throw their fans a bone here)
JIMMY HAIRBALL 38-17
Henderson State at Arkansas Monticello
I know this pick is a bit of an “Upset”, but Bo Knows
BO WEEVILLS 33-31
North Carolina State at Wake Forest
I can’t let “Doc” see that I am not picking the Wolfpack in this one…
I hate when he gives me that disappointed look
DEMON DEACONS 33-31
Boston College at Syracuse
At this point in the season, I am convinced that the orange has been squeezed
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 31-17
Montana at Portland State
Against the odd’s makers I am going with..
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24
Texas San Antonio at Texas A&M
You guessed it, it’s Homecoming in College Station
Remember the Alamo
GIG EM AGGIES 45-10
Houston at Central Florida
This may be a sentimental pick, but it’s the pick nonetheless
COUGARS 34-33
St Thomas at St Olaf
There is going to be a tussle at the Artic Circle….
Believe it
OLLIE’S 31-28
Virginia Tech at Notre Dame
Both of these turkey’s are cooked for the season
FEGGITTING ERRISH 34-14
Delta State at Shorter
I know it’s Halloween week, but having a midget college in the mix is just wrong
FEAR THE OKRA 38-17
Georgia and Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Hold on to your drinks and your seats, it’s going to be aa good one
MIGHTY GATORS 34-31
Kansas State at Kansas
This instate rivalry is known as “The Sunflower Showdown”
It’s played each year for the Governor’s Cup
Believe it or not, this is going to be one hell of a game
LES HAWKS 34-33
Texas Christian at Oklahoma State
Ok “Doc” here is your pick…
HORNED DOGS 31-28
Campbell at North Alabama
I know that my next statement won’t be popular
But I have never been a fan of that college’s soup
FLORENCE LIONS 41-28
Marshall at Rice
Poor Ole Rice, they been beaten to pudding this year
On an unrelated side note, I love rice pudding just so you know
WE ARE MARSHALL 38-17
Army at Air Force
This game will be close (close) until the second half, then it’s going to be all..
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-24
Wofford at Clemson
I guess the Midland Valley Vietnamese Hair and Nail Academy was to busy to play at homecoming
DABO’S TIGERS 171-3
Mississippi State at Arkansas
Lord have mercy these two teams are as pitiful as a pair of wet cats in a hurricane.
BULLY DOGS 7-6
Pittsburgh at Georgia Tech
True to their name…..
Tech is just a Rambling Wreck
PANTHERS 31-17
Ole Miss at Auburn
Nothing to see here, just move along
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-14
Alabama Birmingham at Tennessee
It’s Homecoming on Beacon Hill…
You know what that means, right?
Fat Phil Fulmer will be playing “Smell My Hands” with Peyton Manning
VOWELS 3-2
Vanderbilt at South Carolina
The Gamecocks rebound this week, believe it
GAMECOCKS 28-17
Virginia at North Carolina
It’s going to be closer than you might think….
Way closer
TAR TOES 23-21
Oregon at Southern California
Ducks and Trojans…
There is a joke in there somewhere, which I am sure is inappropriate
So I will just shut up (For now)
QUACKERS 41-28
Brigham Young at Utah State
This game is one of the big games in the land of Donny and Marie for the “Beehive Boot”
Why somebody would want to wear one of those damn things is beyond me
COUGARS 33-31
Boise State at San Jose State
The Mighty Bronco’s are quietly climbing the polls….
Take Note College Football World
BRONCO’S 41-28
Fresno State at Hawaii
Even after all these years of writing this column I am still not sure what a “Rainbow Warrior” is..
Unless it’s a protestor in Elton John glasses wearing Hooter’s shorts and Cowboy boots.
Never mind
RAINBOW SOMETHING OR ANOTHER 41-38
Next Week….
Your Picks will be out just as you have come to expect…
(You are Welcome America)
There will also be a few Post-Halloween surprises in next week’s picks too.
Before you ask, “NO” it won’t have anything to do with left over candy that I don’t want.
We are going viral on a Podcast in the coming week’s
So, Stay Tuned
One More Thing…
There is a “new” story on Mikerights.com from a week ago in case you haven’t seen it.
Thank you all again for your encouragement, humor, ideas and certainly for reading both websites.
Speaking for both myself and “Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab, we greatly appreciate it.
Enjoy your games this weekend and be good to one another….
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD