College Football Picks Week 9

October 22, 2019
By

Ladies and Gentlemen – 

(Clears throat..)

We here at The CFB Wizard Headquarters take our jobs seriously to bring you (the Fans) the best quality and accuracy of Prognostication of games in College Football.

In fact, this refined (detailed) process has been demonstrated week after week and year after year with the highest percentage of accuracy in all of college football. 

(Clears throat again..)

That being said, we would like to sincerely apologize to Illinois, Oregon State and Baylor for the disparaging prognostications of last week. Clearly, they were wrong and demonstrated a lack of respect for those teams, fans, coaches and alumni.

Please accept our apology and we have rededicated our staff to do better in the future. 

Also, too, we fired Roy from the mailroom for dressing up like a deranged beaver last week. 

Enjoy Your Picks…

Weekend Rewind….

As you might have gathered from the above heartfelt apology (very heartfelt and emotional I might add) 

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather dismal 45 and 10 or 85% last week. 

That leaves The CFB Wizard at 423 and 73 or 82% for the 2019 College Football Season. 

I recognize that these numbers are well below our average here at The CFB Wizard Headquarters. 

To rectify this we have reinstituted our hallowed traditions from the early days of The CFB Wizard:

One; The staff on what is known as “Prognostication Day” during the week, will wear a thin slice of Velveeta in each shoe.

EDITORS NOTE:
No flip-flops or open toed shoes will be allowed to be worn on those days, it would be disgusting.
 
Two; Prior to the publishing of said weekly picks, the entire staff (Minus Roy from the Mailroom of course..) will hold hands and each staff member will recite a Val Kilmer line from “Tombstone” 

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, it’s a luck thing. 

Three; Regina from accounting can’t wear any more of that perfume that smells like kerosene and wet cat food. It’s thrown everybody’s concentration off. 

That is all….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!

MINNESOTA: Walk-on backup place holder Casey O’Brien got his opportunity to play last week against Rutgers and in the event, you haven’t seen it, here you go.

WISCONSIN: I can’t even look at you right now… 

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY: This Saturday….

ESPN College Football Gameday will make their first ever trip to South Dakota State for the epic matchup with North Dakota State played each year for the “Dakota Marker”

I wonder if the crew will take in “Hobo Days” in South Dakota?

Nothing like drinking out of an old car muffler to give you a buzz

TENNESSEE: Well, well, well…
It looks like Tennessee lost to Alabama twice last week (Wink, wink) 

You Turd Weasels know who and what I am talking about..

So, I just have to ask, How do you like me now?


THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: What in the HELL is going on with the SEC referees this season?

What went on in the Florida-South Carolina game was absolutely ridiculous! 

What do you say Mr. Wizard?

Phil – Charleston, South Carolina 

A: Through an in-depth analysis of this egregious situation I have come to a disturbing conclusion. 

Ironically, both Coach Lane Kiffin and I came to the same conclusion simultaneously
 
Apparently, the Southeastern Conference referees aren’t allowed to bring their
seeing-eyed dogs with them on the field. 

Q: Dear Sir,

As the Head Coach of Clemson University, I feel that I need to put a stop to any potential rumors that may surround the unfortunate situation that occurred during the Louisville game last Saturday.

As you know, we run a tight ship here and take full responsibility for the action of our players. The young man involved in that on-field altercation is typically a calm, well-mannered, thoughtful kid and this is totally uncharacteristic of “who he is”.

What I believe happened is that he probably got some of that bad sweet tea that some of our players got suspended over prior to the College Football Playoffs earlier in the year. We usually limit the player sweet tea intake, but, this young man, being from down here in the South, absolutely loves his sweet tea.

So, he probably ingested a bit too much of that sweet tea and it caused an adverse emotional reaction which, unfortunately, erupted into a fight on the field. We at Clemson vow to monitor the sweet tea intake of our players more stringently so that this doesn’t happen again going forward

Dabo Swinney
Head Coach
Clemson Tigers Football

A: I hear you Coach, be sure and keep that sweet (PED) and low out of the tea.

It will make you pee funny

Q: I got a dumb question, but I just have to ask it.

Have you ever seen a Sasquatch? 

Thanks- 

Chuck – Texarkana, Arkansas 

A: There are no dumb questions Chuck…

Well unless they came from Roy formally of the Mailroom. 

But that said, I have indeed seen a Sasquatch once. 

It was in a Wal-Mart outside of Chattanooga Tennessee. 

Could have just been a hairy woman in a tube top, I’m not sure 

But either way

Q: Everybody at Auburn is laughing at Alabama’s dumbass light show! 

That is so stupid!

Carla – Opelika, Alabama 

A: Says the people that throw toilet paper in trees after they win a game. 

Q: Hey Mister Wizard 

If come down there to Niceville Florida for your book signing will you sign my boob?

Delores and Jim – Jacksonville, Florida 

A: No Deloris, I will not autograph your husband.

That would be wrong. 

Q: Man, I thought the Miami Hurricanes were really going to do something this year. 

I am so disappointed, man I don’t even know what to say.

Carlos – West Palm Beach, Florida 

A: I know disappointment too Carlos. 

I would have thought by now….

That I would have been married to a deaf-mute super model who owned her own chain of liquor stores

THE GAMES

Thursday 24 October

Southern Methodist at Houston
The Mustangs are still undefeated…
Sounds like a stampede if you ask me
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-24

Friday 25 October

Southern California at Colorado
This will be quite the scene…
Boulder, Colorado under the bright lights of a nationally televised audience…
And there she is to open the game…
Wynonna Judd runs onto the field with her freshly painted toes (hooves) ….
I wish they would let her raise up on her hind legs and sing the National Anthem
WYNONNA’S 28-24

Saturday 26 October 

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Sorry folks, no “Upset Special” here…
BLACK EYES 38-21 

Oklahoma at Kansas State
You already know the three words by now, right?
Say it with me
ROLL JALEN ROLL 41-24 

Valdosta State at North Greenville
The Blazers are on fire and Undefeated….
That trend continues on Saturday
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-24

Iowa at Northwestern
The Hawkeyes are for real…
There I said it
HAWKEYES 33-17 

North Dakota State at South Dakota State
This game is for the “Dakota Marker” 
It’s going to be a tussle
MIGHTY BISON 34-31

Appalachian State at South Alabama
I believe the Jaguars have broken down on the side of the road…
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10
 
Miami at Pittsburgh
The weather is going to be gloomy in the Iron City this week…
(Please note. I never said Hurricane weather)
PANTHERS 33-31

San Jose State at Army
Jose’ doesn’t want any part of the United States Army
Just saying
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Delta State at Shorter
My Beloved Okra can handle a midget college….
FEAR THE OKRA 33-17

Mississippi State at Texas A&M
The misery continues in Stark-Vegas….
Sorry…
GIG EM AGGIES 33-17

Illinois at Purdue
This Old Rivalry played each year for the…
“Purdue Cannon” is in jeopardy of going away.
Vice President Joe Biden has stated, “That cannon is a weapon of war and they shouldn’t have it”
Senator Elizabeth Warren has offered to “Buy Back” the Purdue Cannon…
Bo-Bo O’Rourke says that he will send the campus police to come and confiscate the cannon.
Yet another Presidential hopeful stated empathically…
“The Purdue Cannon has hurt the climate..”
So, enjoy it while you got it folks…
BOILERMAKERS 28-24

Southern Miss at Rice
In the words of Uncle Ben….
This Rice is cooked
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-14

Ohio at Ball State
I wouldn’t (ever) bet against Coach Frank….
FRANK’S CATS 34-31 

Western Kentucky at Marshall
There are few places more beautiful to watch a college football game than in Huntington, West Virginia
Believe it
WE ARE MARSHALL 38-21

New Mexico State at Georgia Southern
This week in 1977, a charter plane crashed in Mississippi that carried Lynyrd Skynyrd
That’s enough for me on this pick
FREE BIRDS 38-17
 
Auburn at LSU
Tiger verses Tiger
It’s going to be a good one
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-31

Penn State at Michigan State
This relatively new rivalry from the conference that can’t do simple math is played for..“The Land Grant Trophy”
I would be more inclined to be interested in this if it was the “Bud Grant” Trophy
Just saying
NITTANY LIONS 28-24

Ouachita Baptist at Southern Nazarene
The Baptist better be careful this weekend..
The Nazarene Boy’s stomped on the Bo Weevils last Saturday. This one will be serious
GOTCHA BAPTIST 33-31

Texas at Texas Christian
I have absolutely no idea which of these two teams will show up
It’s a guess
LONGHORNS 34-28 

North Alabama at Kennesaw State
Come on Lions I have faith…..
(This week anyway, I have faith)
FLORENCE LIONS 34-31

Maryland at Minnesota
I really like this Minnesota team…
They are doing something right at the Artic Circle
GOLDEN RODENTS 34-17 

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
Damn Cowboys have been bucked for the season….
CYCLONES 38-34 

Syracuse at Florida State
I have as much faith in the Seminoles this year as Mr. Winston’s victim had in the justice system.
What, too soon?
ORANGE 31-24 

Virginia at Louisville
I had high hopes for both of these teams earlier in the season….
(Great now that damn song is stuck in my head)
I forgot what I was doing…
DUDES ON HORSES 34-28

Arizona at Stanford
Yawn….
WILDCATS 3-2

Indiana at Nebraska
It’s getting close to Halloween, so there is only one choice here
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 34-31 

Tulane at Navy
The Green Wave are favored in this game…..
But I won’t give up the ship
(Notice the Naval reference there? I am cleaver like that)
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31

Newberry at Carson Newman
It’s “Newberry” the new subdivision outside of Mayberry that went up after the interstate went in outside Mayberry.
EAGLES 41-28

Duke at North Carolina
This Old Rivalry on “Tobacco Road” is played for the “Victory Bell”
Let Freedom Ring
BLUE DEVILS 34-31

Arkansas Monticello at Oklahoma Baptist
The Weevils wobbled and they fell down last Saturday to the Nazarenes
But don’t worry..
BO KNOWS 31-28 

South Carolina at Tennessee
It’s going to be close…..
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Arkansas at Alabama
Speaking of BBQ…
While in Tuscaloosa be sure and visit the original “Dream Land” BBQ restaurant
There is nothing like it, anywhere else
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17 

Texas Tech at Kansas
I don’t know “IF” this qualifies as an “Upset” or not….
But the folks in Lubbock won’t be happy
LES HAWKS 41-34

Eastern Washington at Montana
I am all about the Boy’s from Big Sky Country on Saturday….
It should be a balmy 20 degrees and snowing..
Perfect weather for the..
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 41-24

Central Florida at Temple
If memory serves me correctly (And it does..) this will be three losses for the Tarnished Knights
Don’t worry kids, you can still pretend to be National Champions anyway
OWLS 34-17

Memphis at Tulsa
It most certainly is NOT Tulsa time, sorry.
ELVIS’S TIGERS 41-21

Boston College at Clemson
Another tough opponent for the Defending National Champions
(Not…)
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Maine Maritime at Norwich
People in Maine talk funny, there I said it
NORWICH CADETS 31-28

Notre Dame at Michigan
This Old rivalry has been renewed and the outcome will be just as ugly as ever.
FEGGGGITIN EERISH 28-24

Arizona State at UCLA
I know you don’t care, and you know that you don’t care
Let’s just be honest with each other, ok?
HERMAN’S DEVILS 34-21

St John’s at St Olaf
I haven’t seen this many Saint’s in a football game since I was in New Orleans
JOHNNIES 34-17 

Missouri at Kentucky
I am not ruling out Big Blue in this one, “yes” you read that correctly
BLUE KATS 28-24

California at Utah
Da Bears be Da Done for the season
TWO UTES 34-17 

Utah State at Air Force
Just FYI….
When the United States Air Force speaks of “Carpet Bombing”, they are NOT referring to your Cousin Art, that has never been house training and likes to poop in the potted plants.
Just so you know
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-31

Washington State at Oregon
I smell “Upset” here…..
Either that or “Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab has eaten another tamale.
MIKE’S KATS 35-33

Next Week….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will be headed to the Panhandle of Florida this week..

(Don’t let anybody lie to you it really is “Baja Alabama”) 

It’s my “Home” away from “Home” 

I hope to see you there

There is more on the way…

So, Stay Tuned

One More Thing…

This time of year, as in the past several years..

I have a lot of people ask me “IF” I would or will be attending the Alabama and Tennessee game and I always have some well-worn and ready-made excuses for the occasion. 

None of those excuses are really true, I guess why they call them excuses. 

But if you have a few minutes..

I have a “new” story on Mikerights.com today that may provide an explanation. 

Thank you again for your emails, comments and the occasional rants. 

Speaking for both myself and “Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab, we appreciate it. 

Enjoy your games this weekend and be good to one another….

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD 

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