Ladies and Gentlemen –
Much like Charlie Brown at Halloween……
While you were enjoying your Halloween goodies, I was getting rocks.
EDITORS NOTE: Not the candy kind either…
In fact, I had so many picks that turned into rocks I am surprised I didn’t chip a tooth.
But “IF” Halloween wasn’t scary enough for you
Hold on to your witches’ brew
It’s Separation Saturday
Enjoy Your Picks…
Weekend Rewind….
Between missing the pick on the Sunflower Showdown, The Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and my Beloved Southern Methodist Mustangs I am surprised Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was even above fifty percent last week.
However, The CFB Wizard finished last week 38 and 8 or 83%, and that leaves me at 505 and 87 or 85% for the 2019 College Football Season.
As much as I would like to lament my lack of prognostication skill from last week, I would rather take this time to wish all my Marine Corps Brothers and Sisters a very Happy 244th Marine Corps Birthday on Sunday November 10th.
We Marines are an odd cult, we speak in a different language and oftentimes have confusing and misunderstood customs. But what do you expect?
We are the only branch of the military formed and founded in a tavern.
Enough said….
Happy Birthday Marines
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
URBAN MEYER: I am a little confused here….
Urban’s name has been mentioned as Head Coach from everyplace from Southern California, Notre Dame, to Florida State and even the Dallas Cowboys.
Didn’t he just have a brain tumor last year?
You know, before he had all those heart problems at Florida.
This guy has had more miracles than Mother Teresa
FLORIDA STATE: Great News Seminole Fans!
Florida State has petitioned the NCAA to move their Athletics Program out of the ACC and into the PPC…
Powder Puff Conference
Here we see the Seminoles practicing for a big game against Clemson…
They’re actually favored to win this game
FLORIDA: Sorry….
AUBURN: One of our cracked staff here at The CFB Wizard got a glimpse of early graduation “Down on the Plains”
COACH’S HOT SEAT O’ METER:
Willie Taggart of Unaffiliated – He’s gone. FSU parted ways with the embattled coach after only 21 games. Apparently boosters of the University all chipped in on the buyout. Not sure about the rumors of the Seminole Nation coming up with half of that because of the embarrassment of hiring a mediocre coach to try to right a ship left sinking by Jimbo Fisher.
Chad Morris – The one SEC game on the schedule in which the Razorbacks had their best chance of winning. And they were demolished. Well, hopefully Arkansas pulls out the ‘W’ against Western Kentucky. AND Missouri ain’t looking so hot either…
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 93-98 (This is a heat index. With the humidity and losses rising in Fayetteville, it actually feels much hotter)
Barry Odom of Missouri – Let’s look at the rest of the list from a “Florida State Screening” perspective. The Tigers, under Barry, haven’t reached the 9 win plateau since his arrival. This year, he has wins over bottom tier P5 and SEC schools, but then there’s Wyoming. And Vandy. And Kentucky. The next 3 games will be a wash, so the Arkansas game gives Missouri it’s best shot at a minor bowl.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 85-90 (Availability for FSU vacancy rating: 65%)
Joe Moorhead of Mississippi State – One word: Regression. 2019 saw the Bulldogs finish at 8-5 with wins over A&M, Auburn, and Ole Miss.
This year, the signature win to date is over…. Kentucky. Mississippi State has some talent down in Stark-Vegas but it’s not showing up in the results column.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 75-80 (Availability for FSU vacancy rating: 50% – Bulldog Nation is patient… And wise with their money)
Kevin Sumlin of Arizona – Let’s face it. Arizona hasn’t really never been anything more than a blip on the College Football Landscape. They hired Sumlin with expectations of at least climbing up to respectability, but that experiment isn’t going anywhere. But, with Sumlin there was supposed to be at least improvement. With Arizona’s history, Sumlin’s addition to this list is probably a bit premature. But the staff thought it would be fun to have him here as a realistic (rather than delusional) addition from a possible FSU hire perspective.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 45-50 (Availability for FSU vacancy rating: 85% – Sumlin would love to get out of the desert)
THIS DAY IN MUSICAL HISTORY: On this day in 1976 a classic country song was released…
The song became a hit with truck drivers, CB radio enthusiasts and lovers of country music.
Many of you may remember the hit song by Red Sovine entitled “Teddy Bear”
But before we get to “the rest of the story” here is a video reminder of the song from back in the day
As you wipe your eyes and stifle a sniffle, I will give a brief reminder of a few of the lyrics you just heard.
“I was on the outskirts of a little southern town
Tryin’ to reach my destination before the sun went down
The old CB was blarin’ away on channel 1-9!
When there came a little boy’s voice on the radio line
And he said: “Breaker 1-9! Is anyone there?
come on back, truckers and talk to Teddy Bear!”
Well, I keyed the mike and said: “You got it, Teddy Bear!”
And a little boy’s voice came back on the air
“‘Preciate the break, Who we got on that end?”
I told him my handle, and, then he began:
“Now, I’m not supposed to bother you fellows out there
Mom says you’re busy and for me to stay off the air
But you see, I get lonely and it helps to talk
‘Cause that’s about all I can do, I’m crippled, and, I can’t walk!”
I came back and told him to fire up that mike
And I’d talk to him, as long as he liked
“This was my dad’s radio”, the little boy said
“But I guess it’s mine and mom’s now, ’cause my daddy’s dead!”
“Dad had a wreck about a month ago
He was trying to get home in a blindin’ snow
Mom has to work now, to make ends meet
And I’m not much help, with my two crippled feet!”
“She says not to worry that we’ll make it alright
But, I hear her crying, sometimes late at night
You know there’s just one thing I want more than anything else to see
Now for the rest of the story….
The lyrics you see above have been changed drastically, why you may ask?
Hymie “Skootch” Creeperman wrote the original lyrics for this song in the Davidson County Jail in Nashville Tennessee while awaiting trial for a variety of charges.
These were the original lyrics….by Mr. Creeperman
I was down at a bar in a little southern town
Tryin’ to get me some action after the sun went down
Listenin’ to the CB on channel 1-7
Lookin’ for love and a little piece of heaven
A soft voice said: “Breaker 1-7, if you’re goin to tha bar
Come on down an pickup, this here Teddy Bear
Well, I grabbed up the mike and said: “I’ll be right there
And the soft little voice came back on the air.
Thanks for the break, how much money ya got?
If you got more than 20, come gimme a shot
Now I’ve got got three kids, and they’re all at day-care
Thought I’d drum up some business here over the air
Cause you see, I get lonely and I need some action
We got all these bills, and my husband’s in traction
I came back and said hey where you at?
I need me some comp’ny, bet you’re a wild-cat
I got in this work, old Teddy Bear said
But now I just like it, cause I’m makin’ bread
Old Man had a wreck bout 2 years ago
And he likes the money, but he just don’t know
You know there’s some things that I want really bad
And that’s to dress like a school girl, with a skirt that’s all plaid
And to take me for a ride, maybe down to the school
Then you punish me, sit in-a corner on a stool
I turned that truck round and it nearly flipped
Almost got a ticket from the stop sign I clipped
And when I got to her street, I got one big shock
There was 8 other trucks, lined up on her block
I guess every driver in earshot heard Teddy bear talk
Cause there’s 9 or 10 drivers lined up on the walk
As fast as one driver would step off the stoop
Another went in and let out a whoop
Well, you better believe I took my turn with Teddy Bear
And I took off my trousers and ran straight up the stairs
And if I never live to have happiness again
That girl really made me feel like a man
Well, I hit the highway and my heart was light
She knew all the tricks, yeah she did me right
She came on the radio that soft voice on the air
And said thanks for ya’lls time from this here Teddy Bear
Wish all of you truckers, all have a safe drive
Cause I’ve paid up the rent for 4 months, maybe 5
I’ll sign off now, before my hubby’s a-wake
An if you get here a-gain, I’ll give you a shake
EDITORS NOTE: Now you know the rest of the story..
THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: Mister Wizard I am as worked up a wet Hen!
What in the world is going on with my Arkansas Razorbacks!
They are so bad I can’t even watch them anymore!
Can’t we get anybody to rescue Arkansas!!!
Please tell me something!
Maggie – Conway, Arkansas
A: Maggie, I have reached into the archives….
You need somebody to come to the rescue, here you go
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
We thoroughly enjoy readying your weekly football column and have enjoyed your other website as well. My family and I hope you enjoyed your Halloween and received more treats than tricks.
The McMasters Family – Columbus, Georgia
A: Thank you so much for kind email
Halloween here at the “New” RTR Manor has been enjoyable.
So much so, that Halloween was quite the normal gathering of little tikes dressed in a variety of costumes as their parents looked on as they received their collection of goodies from “Doc” the World famous Black Lab and Yours Truly.
Unlike….
The former residence in Tennessee where I passed out little airplane liquor bottles, 8oz of lite beer and zip look bags with powdered sugar labeled “meth”, along with a variety of candy cigarettes.
EDITORS NOTE: I felt it important for the kids to prepare themselves for their O’ So Bright Future in the Volunteer State.
Q: Hey Man I heard you moved and got a great big Ole House!
That’s awesome dude, but what do you need a big house and pool for?
Good on you man!
Jerry – Lake Charles, Louisiana
A: Thank you for the kind and considerate email Jerry
The answer to your question is quite simple
As you probably know we have all been affected by the immigration crisis
I want (in my own small way) to help with this national plague.
I have a home (“Yes” with a pool) that is large enough to accommodate any refuges from Norway or Sweden that are female at least 21 years of age and looking for a better life in America.
I know what you are thinking Jerry; sometimes my heart is just too big.
Q: Damn Dude, you really screwed up on the picks last week!
Are you on the Devil’s lettuce?
Maybe smoking a little of the Crazy Cabbage?
What’s up?
Kip – Kansas City, Missouri
A: “No”, I am not a vegetarian if that’s what you mean
Q: One question
What is your Beef with Wynonna Judd????????
Every week you say the most horrible things about her!
She is an amazing woman!
I wish you would just stop, it’s not funny.
Debra K – Memphis, Tennessee
A: Ma’am I don’t have a beef with Wynonna Judd, she’s a Bison.
And the Mascot of the University of Colorado
THE GAMES
Wednesday 5 November
Miami at Ohio
Full disclosure here…
I feel really confident about this pick
REDHAWKS 24-21
Thursday 7 November
Temple at South Florida
I don’t think the Bulls give a Hoot about this season….
HOOTERS 33-17
Friday 8 November
Central Florida at Tulsa
I will be far too busy eating leftover Halloween candy to worry about this game
(Don’t you dare judge me)
TARNISHED NIGHTS 34-14
Washington at Oregon State
The Beavers will keep this one close, until the second half
BIG DOGS 34-24
Saturday 9 November
Maryland at Ohio State
O’ Yippee…
BLACK EYES 171-2
West Florida at Valdosta State
The Blazers just keep on winning and winning and winning
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-17
Baylor at Texas Christian
I think by know we all now who “Doc” the World famous Black Lab is going to pick..
HORNED DOGS 34-31
Norwich at MIT
I had no idea the Mississippi Institute of Technology had a football team.
I thought they just retreaded old tires and repaired mufflers
Who Knew?
CADETS 33-17
Iowa at Wisconsin
This Big Ten (Isn’t it like 24 teams now?) rivalry is played for the coveted
“Heartland Trophy”
I think it’s sponsored by the Bacon Producers of America, but I can’t confirm that
HAWKEYES 28-24
North Alabama at Monmouth
What the heck is a “Monmouth”?
I thought it was spelled “mammoth” as in “Wooly Mammoth”
Never mind
FLORENCE LIONS 33-31
Kansas State at Texas
It’s just a feeling.
(Which I pray is not brought on by ill prepared Chinese food)
WILDCATS 33-28
Arkansas Monticello at Ouachita Baptist
Much like you…
We know that Bo knows Weevils, but….
He is Baptist after all, so there is that
GOTCHA BAPTIST 38-17
Washington State at California
I still believe in Coach Mike the Pirate and the Cougars
(At least for another week)
MIKE’S CATS 38-34
Western Illinois at North Dakota State
I recognize that we are close to the Marine Corps Birthday
But the Leathernecks from Western are not a sentimental pick here.
MIGHTY BISON 34-13
Stanford at Colorado
Spoiler Alert!
After Wynonna Judd leads the Colorado team onto the field she will also (Wait..)
Sing the National Anthem!
On an unrelated side note, that isn’t a fur coat she is wearing, it’s back hair.
WYNONNA’S 31-21
West Georgia at Delta State
I am well aware it’s the week after Halloween but you better..
FEAR THE OKRA 34-28
Illinois at Michigan State
This Old rivalry from the Conference that can’t perform simple addition
Is played each and every year for the prestigious…..
“Muskrat Love Trophy” presented by the Captain and Tennille Foundation
(What it looks like, in case you are wondering, is an Old Toupee)
SPARTANS 34-17
Purdue at Northwestern
Don’t you just love these Big Ten (Whatever..) Conference Rivalry Games?
I know I do!
This one is played for the “Sea Monkey Trophy”
(It looks like the above trophy but without all the weird hair attached to it)
WILDCATS 28-24
Penn State at Minnesota
Call me crazy if you want too..
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
“UPSET SPECIAL”
GOLDEN RODENTS 34-31
Carson Newman at Limestone
Who names their college after a damn rock?
Seems kind of stupid to me
EAGLES 44-31
Vanderbilt at Florida
In the immortal words of the great Lionel Richie…
The Commodores have “Sailed Away”
MIGHTY GATORS 34-14
Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
The Mighty Mustangs rebound this week
Believe it
MUSTANGS 41-21
Idaho at Montana
In case you were wondering…..
It should be blizzard conditions for Saturday’s game in Big Sky Country
That’s perfect weather for the..
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-17
St Olaf at Concordia
Despite a few setbacks the last few week’s
I still have faith in the Ole Saint
(maybe because I am a New Orleans fan)
OLLIES 28-24
Florida State at Boston College
Have faith Seminole Fans….
You still have a chance at the Yoder’s Canned Meat and Cheese Bowl in Racine Wisconsin!
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 31-28
Texas Tech at West Virginia
Morgantown, West Virginia…
The chill of a November evening, the leaves changing to a brilliant hue and…
The soft warm glow of smoldering couches, burning brightly throughout the night
Good times…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-24
Western Kentucky at Arkansas
Maybe (Just maybe) Ole Coach Chad can win this one
(But not by much)
RAZORBACKS 31-28
Massachusetts at Army
The Minute Men of Massachusetts will last about half that long in this game
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 34-14
Georgia Tech at Virginia
Both of these teams had such bright futures at the beginning of the season….
Until the sun went down on them about two weeks ago
(Blame it on the time change)
DUDES RIDING HORSES 28-24
Air Force at New Mexico
I have no idea why they call it “New” Mexico….
Other than the fact they have better roads and drinkable water it’s practically the same.
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-24
LSU at Alabama
This is “Big Boy” Football at it’s finest
It’s a Tussle in T Town
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 34-31
Connecticut at Cincinnati
It must be the cooler weather…
I am going with the Boy’s from Chili Town
BEARKATS 41-17
Wake Forest at Virginia Tech
Demon Deacons and Turkeys….
Sounds like a party at Elton John’s House
DEACON JONES 33-31
Georgia Southern at Troy
This game is always a tussle, it’s in South Alabama and that gives them a slight edge
But not enough
FREE BIRDS 38-28
Louisville at Miami
A few years ago this would have been one heck of a game
Not so much right this very minute
CARDINALS 28-24
Southern California at Arizona State
I am sure this game is important to somebody somewhere….
Probably some guy nicknamed “Turd Winkler”
Just a guess
HERMAN’S DEVILS 28-17
Alabama Birmingham at Southern Miss
It’s going to be close, but I am going with South Mississippi in this one.
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24
New Mexico State at Ole Miss
Must be Homecoming at the Grove….
Just a guess
FOAM RUBBER COL SANDERS BLACK BEAR LAND SAND SHARKS 28-10
Missouri at Georgia
Cats and Dogs
You know what “Doc” has to say, right?
SMART DAWGS 34-17
Appalachian State at South Carolina
Don’t blink Carolina, the Mountaineers are for real
GAMECOCKS 33-28
Clemson at North Carolina State
This is supposed to be the “Big” game this week in the ACC?
Seriously?
DABO’S TIGERS 183-10
Notre Dame at Duke
Yeah I will say it…..
“UPSET SPECIAL”
BLUE DEVILS 34-31
Tennessee at Kentucky
Before the Politically Correct and Doo Gooder’s of America got involved..
This game was played each year for the Bourbon Barrel
Not it’s played the “Who won’t be last in the Conference Bowl”
BLUE CATS 28-24
Liberty at Brigham Young
Poor Liberty….
Seems like a long way to go to get your ass kicked if you ask me
COUGARS 38-10
Iowa State at Oklahoma
This is going to be a great game until the second half, then it’s going to be
ROLL JALEN ROLL 44-28
Wyoming at Boise State
Cowboy, Down
BRONCO’S 41-21
Nevada at San Diego State
Let’s be honest
This game will be televised at midnight Central Time and 0100 Eastern Time
Not a damn one of us will up to watch this game
AZTECS 3-2
Next Week….
You won’t have to wait until next week for an update….
Tomorrow you will have a yet another “new” article by a guest commentator on
“The State of Football in the Sunshine State”.
You will also have a “Monday Morning Quarterback” article to start your week.
And as always you will have Your Weekly College Football Picks out at the end of the week too.
There is more on the way
So, stay tuned
One More Thing…
As I said earlier in this article..
This Sunday, 10 November is the 244th Birthday of the United States Marine Corps and I want to wish all my brothers and sisters, past and present a very happy birthday.
You have made my life richer by knowing you.
Now get your hands out of your damn pockets and get back to work.
I would be remiss…
If I didn’t wish all my Veteran friends a Happy Veteran’s Day on Monday.
God Bless you all
Thank you for your sacrifice.
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD