Ladies and Gentlemen –
I know what you are thinking…..
That maybe Halloween came early this year because many of you already feel tricked and not so much treated during this college football season.
I don’t mean to appear insensitive to your respective plights.
Unfortunately I simply don’t have time this week to address the angst and disgust many of you are already experiencing.
It’s “The Third Saturday in October” and that means, it’s time to get my hate on.
Enjoy Your Picks…..
Weekend Rewind…..
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?
Your (Not so much) Favorite College Football Prognosticator had the second worse weekend in all the time of ever (ever) making the weekly college football picks recording 32 and 19 or 63% on week seven and overall that leaves The CFB Wizard at an unprecedented 359 and 96 or 79%.
Not that any excuses are warranted here by my lack of Prognostication but in the event you are marginally interested, last week I had a hair from “Doc” the Black Lab in my ear that was so long I couldn’t pronounce any word with the letter “R” in it until I located it and removed it with some tweezers.
We have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it…..
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
LSU: As much as I would like to comment here on the Tigers big win last week and relish in the victory at Death Valley I was saddened that afternoon by the news of the passing of one of my childhood idols. The legendary Tiger, Green Bay Packer and Professional Football Hall of Fame member, Big Jim Taylor passed away Saturday afternoon.
In this “era” of professional football (and I use that term loosely) when players and the game itself simply aren’t as tough or rough as it once was and doesn’t even resemble the game from the 1960’s or the 1970’s or even the 80’s it’s worth noting that Big Jim Taylor was a phenomenal running back without equal.
EDITORS NOTE: For those of you that were somehow “offended” by my comment about players today not being tough and the game has turned into a modified version of touch football, then riddle me this.
Why are there so many quarterbacks playing in their late thirties and early forties?
I rest my case…..
In a single sentence I will describe Jim’s running style.
Big Jim Taylor would run over you, all of you, even when you knew where and when the play was being executed. Yeah he was “that” guy.
If you planned on tackling him, you better bring your lunch because he was going to hurt you in the process and that’s just how it was play after play after play.
At LSU and certainly with the Green Bay Packers there has been only one……
Big Jim Taylor
Thanks for the memories Jim and Geaux Tigers.
SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: You know what time it is?
It’s time for the midseason report card for those teams in the SEC….
ESPN: I have a question for everyone in CFB Wizard reading land…..
This is the eighth week of college football right?
College Game Day has covered Notre Dame and the PAC 12 (twice) the Big 12 and the Big Ten (thrice), so no Clemson or the Southeastern Conference games?
Why?
Is the “fix” already on for this years College Football Playoffs?
I will tell you this with some certainty as many of you are currently questioning my sanity, “IF” ESPN College Game Day does NOT cover the Florida – Georgia game next weekend also known as “the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”, then the fix is most definitely on my friends.
Wait and see what I tell you…..
More on this next week
NCAA SPEECH POLICE: Typically I don’t mix politics with my football; unless politics spill over into my college football then I have little or no choice but to address it.
However, with all the busy bee speech police out there within the NCAA in regards to offensive college mascots, especially in regards to Native American mascots, I find it hilarious that a bastion of liberal ideology continues to sell such lies and disinformation.
This is funny and I don’t care who you are……
MISSOURI: Many people have asked me; “Why” did the Southeastern Conference take Missouri into the Conference with their brand of thug football, basketball and the like.
Have you seen “Live PD” yet?
The white trash in Greene County Missouri makes the rest of us feel good about ourselves, it’s that simple.
AUBURN: Far be it from me to kick a college football program while they are down, especially when their respective fan base is burning up the Suicide Hotlines.
But these are just funny……
FLORIDA STATE: I can’t believe the luck (or lack there of) of the Seminoles of Tallahassee. Imagine……
Getting beat up by a Hurricane two weeks in a damn row……
It’s sad really.
NEBRASKA: I can’t even look at you right now…..
DELTA STATE: Dear Fighting Okra, please see the above concerning Nebraska
THE CFB WIZARD QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
Where in the damn heel is our U FITE!! ?????
We don’t went and a ordered one from somewhere, my wife Trudy knows where.
And it ain’t here yet!!!
We a wanted them so we could a watch Tennessee whip that damn Alabama Ass this weekend and they ain’t here!!!!
Where is they?
Chris (Skeeter) – Dickinson, Tennessee
A: Unfortunately the U FITE! Operations plant is still recovering for the recent fire, but production should begin in earnest shortly, but in the meantime look at the bright side.
By not having a U FITE for this weekend it will prevent you from subsequently destroying it in anger and burning it once the game is over.
Q: Hey man!
I done went and seen your article last week and you was kindly critical of the Possum Festival in Pikeville. Have you ever had you some Smoked Possum?
It’s Gooooooooood!
Don’t be a knocking it if you ain’t a tried it
Adam T – Bledsoe County, Tennessee
A: I bet when you people “Smoke a Possum” it burns your lips…..
It’s just a guess
Q: Mister Wizard!!!!!
My name is Steven T. Davis and Do I ever have an idea for you!!
I have decided to follow my dream and become the first successful white rapper with a lisp (Clean lyrics only!) and in an effort to get my name out there I am offering to write and perform a theme song for YOU! That’s right, just for The CFB Wizard website!!!
Every successful program or what not has a theme song, you know like ESPN or College Game Day, and YOU need one too!
I am currently writing you a song, so what do you think??
Steven T. Davis AKA: “The S-T-D”- Rockford, Illinois
A: Not to pee on your campfire Steve….
But “IF” S-T-D is your stage, career name whatever; then you are doing it wrong.
However, that aside I must politely decline your offer as a “major” up and coming country music star has already offered to write and perform a theme song exclusively for “The CFB Wizard.
(Yes I am serious)
More on this in the next few weeks……
Q: Halloween is right around the corner CFB Wizard!
If I may ask what do you pass out to the little ghouls and goblins this time of the year?
Do you give away any prognostication secrets along with the sweets and goodies?
We Love you here in Spartanburg!
Maggie – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: Thank you for the wonderful email Maggie and I love Spartanburg too…..
There won’t be any Prognostication Tips handed out, remember I live in East Tennessee and most of the children and adults here can’t read, but in an effort to educate and prepare the children here for the future….
EDITORS NOTE: Why, because I care……
I like to pass out candy cigarettes and little bottles of airplane liquor along with small packages of powdered sugar that are labeled “meth”.
I believe it’s important to give the little tikes a glimpse of their future in east Tennessee
You are Welcome
THE GAMES
Thursday 18 October
Georgia State at Arkansas State
I have no earthly idea who is going to win this game….
Flip a coin
RED WOLVES 33-31
Stanford at Arizona State
“Doc” the Black Lab a I had every intention of watching this exciting contest out west…
But unfortunately it falls into the same time slot as our weekly game of Twister
Sorry…
HERMAN’S DEVILS 28-24
Southern Nazarene at Ouachita Baptist
I don’t know who is going to get sprinkled or who is going to get dunked in this one….
But my guess is….
GOTCHA BAPTIST 33-17
Friday 19 October
Colorado State at Boise State
I have been on the Bronco Bandwagon all year…….
I am not losing my seat this week either
BRONCO’S 34-20
Air Force at Nevada Las Vegas
Damn it Falcons…….
Please just this once?
FALCONS 34-31
Saturday 20 October
Michigan at Michigan State
This vicious instate battle is played each year for…..
“The Paul Bunyan Trophy”
It’s going to be ugly….
JIMMY’S WOLVERINES 24-21
Oklahoma at Texas Christian
The Sooners are rested and prepared…..
The Horned Frogs have been beaten up more this season than an Ohio State’s assistant coaches wife / girlfriend / significant other.. Just saying……
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 34-14
Maryland at Iowa
There is no finer modern tradition in all of college football than between the first and second quarters of Iowa home games when the fans from the stadium wave at the children across the street at the Children’s Hospital.
It’s Beautiful…..
HAWKEYES 28-17
Illinois State at North Dakota State
The Mighty Bison are stampeding towards another Championship Playoff run….
Believe it….
MIGHTY BISON 34-13
Cincinnati at Temple
Bet you didn’t know the Bear of Cats from Cincinnati were undefeated did you?
Well you do now….
BEARKATS 33-24
Illinois at Wisconsin
This old Big Ten (Or whatever) Conference rivalry game is played each year for….
“The Rhesus Monkey Grinder Trophy”
(I bet that damn thing will throw it’s poop in a New York minute if you get close enough)
MEN OF CHEESE WHIZ 31-10
Tulsa at Arkansas
Damn it Razorbacks, I am NOT joking around with you anymore this season….
Win one for God’s sakes….
RAZORBACKS 38-28
Auburn at Ole Miss
The Misery continues on the Plains…..
COL SANDERS CARTOON CHARACTER / FOAM RUBBER BLACK BEAR REBEL / LAND / SAND FOAM RUBBER REBEL SHARKS 49-44
Northwestern at Rutgers
This game will be like watching old people eat a two dollar steak…..
At first it’s kind of funny, then it’s just sad
WILDCATS 6-3
Miami (OH) at Army
My Lord I am picking West Point three weeks in a row……
No wonder I stopped drinking
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-28
North Alabama at Jackson State
My Beloved Florence Lions are in for a tussle at the Home of Walter Payton.
Believe it
LIONS ROAR 31-28
Louisiana (Somebody) at Appalachian State
This one is going to get out of hand quicker than dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley.
MOUNTAINEERS 44-14
North Carolina at Syracuse
Let’s be honest with one another here…..
The Tar Heels suck like a new Hoover Vacuum cleaner
ORANGE-MEN 34-14
Virginia at Duke
I would rather stare at an empty fish bowl for three hours than watch this game….
BLUE DEVILS 28-24
Bowling Green at Ohio
I visited Bowling Green Ohio once……
The whole damn town smelled like wet cat food
FRANK’S CATS 34-31
Florida Atlantic at Marshall
Sorry Coach Lane…..
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-31
Montana State at Weber State
The folks from the Famous Grill Company have a College And a football team?
What are they called “The Smokers”?
Never mind….
BIG SKY CATS 41-17
North Carolina State at Clemson
This game will be closer than you might think…..
Right up until the playing of the National Anthem, then it’s all…..
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17
Citadel at Virginia Military Institute
They call this traditional game….
“The Military Classic of the South”
It’s played for the coveted…”Silver Shako”
Why they play each year for a bait fish is beyond me….
BULLDOGS 28-14
Colorado at Washington
Last weekend you both disappointed me……
I can’t even look at either of you
But “Doc” the Black lab said to go with…..
BIG DOGS 31-28
Alabama at Tennessee
It’s “The Third Saturday in October”
There is a lot I could (and want) to say here about this game.
But in honor of what would have been the Great Lewis Grizzard’s 72nd Birthday….
I will say this…..
There was a reason Lewis called Knoxville “OBknoxville”
Enough said….
CRIMSON TIDE 31-21
Penn State at Indiana
I don’t care Alabama and Tennessee are playing…..
NITTANY LIONS 34-17
Houston at Navy
I am afraid the Midshipmen’s offense has been mothballed for the winter….
COUGARS 34-31
St Olaf at St Johns
You might be unaware of this little factoid…..
But if you pray to the German St. Olaf, beer will magically appear on your doorstep….
And Poland will be invaded the following day….
OLIIES 31-28
Southern Methodist at Tulane
I know they are underdogs in this one…..
But I can’t help myself
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-33
Shorter at Delta State
IF my Beloved Fighting Okra can’t beat the midget clown college this week…..
Then they need to pack it up and move to Sarasota for the winter
FIGHTING DAMN OKRA 28-24
Wake Forest at Florida State
Remember when this wasn’t even considered a decent game?
Yeah me too…..
SEMI-COLONS 24-21
Minnesota at Nebraska
This “new” Big Ten (twenty four teams now right?) Conference Rivalry is played for…
“”5 Bits of a Broken Chair”
(“Yes” I am serious….)
Which ironically is about what the Cornhusker offense has been worth all season….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-28
Kansas at Texas Tech
Nope, don’t care…..
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-14
Norwich at Maine Maritime
Just because they are “Maine” doesn’t mean that they can have their own Time Zone.
You are on Eastern Time Jackasses, just so you know
NOR-SANDWICH 28-21
Memphis at Missouri
I think both schools missed out on an opportunity to have M&M sponsor this game….
I know, you don’t have to say it
I’m a damn geniis
MO’S TIGERS 41-21
California at Oregon State
Well, The Beavers always have Baseball season…..
DA BEARS 44-10
Georgia Southern at New Mexico State
The Eagles have been flying high the past few weeks and the Aggies…..
Have many wonderful restaurants within walking distance of the stadium.
FREE BIRDS 33-17
Virginia Lynchburg at Carson Newman
I do love the sleepy town of Lynchburg Virginia….
It’s breathtaking this time of the year.
But this is business
EAGLES 34-31
Mississippi State at LSU
Cats and Dogs
“Doc” the Black Lab won’t even look at me right now
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-31
Central Florida at East Carolina
O Yippee…..
They win again and claim a mid-season National Title
O GOLDEN KNIGHTS 41-17
Connecticut at South Florida
The Boy’s from Tampa are rolling towards their clash with their neighbors from Orlando
And that my friends is….
NO BULL 34-17
North Greenville at Valdosta State
The Blazers from Valdosta are averaging over fifty points a game….
A titanic clash between them and North Dakota State is in the future
Believe it
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZ 51-17
Texas San Antonio at Southern Miss
I cannot pick against the Golden Eagles of Hattiesburg two weeks in a row….
It’s a Rule
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24
Ohio State at Purdue
Another Big Clash in “The Big Two, Little Eight Conference”
BLACKEYES 161-3
Oregon at Washington State
Even with ESPN College Game Day on the Cougar Campus…..
You still can’t make this game sound interesting
QUACKS 3-2
Vanderbilt at Kentucky
Nobody is talking about the Cats since they lost two weeks ago…..
Except for me…..
Watch out they are still in it…..
BLUE CATS 31-17
Southern California at Utah
Have you heard the one about Two Utes walking into Casino with a sock monkey and an accordion? You have? I have to get some new stuff….
TWO UTES 34-28
Oklahoma Baptist at Arkansas Monticello
I hate to go against Bo, because he knows…..
But we Baptist have to stick together….
(Unless it’s at Hooters or the Liquor store)
DUNKIN BAPTIST 28-24
Arizona at UCLA
I really don’t care…..
Somebody 3-2
Next Week……
Your Week 9 Picks will be on the wire by Thursday as you have come to expect from Your College Football Prognosticator along with a few surprise guests as well.
So stay Tuned….
One More Thing…..
As I mentioned earlier, Saturday would have been the Great Southern writer Lewis Grizzard’s 72nd Birthday and I will close this weeks picks in homage to him.
Lewis was damn good Dawg
Have a Great weekend and be good to yourselves and those around you.
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD