College Football Picks Week 7

October 11, 2018
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Anyone might tell you that knows me I can on occasion be quite destructive, but I want to be perfectly clear when I state that although the latest Hurricane is named after “Yours Truly”; I had nothing whatsoever to do with it’s path upon my beloved Florida Gulf Coast.

Believe me there are other places I would have landed it if I were in charge of such things

Stay Safe and although I can’t make it better, I can provide some means of entertainment

Enjoy Your Week 7 Picks and Keep The Faith .

Enjoy Your Picks

Weekend Rewind…….

This past week brought some good news and some bad news….

First the “bad” news…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 43 and 12 last week or 78%, leaving The CFB Wizard with a dismal 327 and 77 or 81% after six weeks of the college football season.

Sure I could use excuses to defer my lack of Prognostication Performance as of late…

I could say the sun was in my eyes as I made last week’s picks….

Maybe I could say I didn’t have enough Velveeta in my shoes as I wrote last week

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me it’s a Prognosticators thing…

Perhaps this is the time to describe my reoccurring nightmares of not advancing past the first round of Mrs. Crowder’s second grade spelling bee competition.

EDITORS NOTE: In all fairness it took me several years to finally understand why all the teachers were laughing when I was given the word “Couch” to spell and I spelled it “Cooch”.

No apparently my problem was deeper than that, much deeper.

Now for the “good” news

I have been so distraught over my weekly average as of late that upon the suggestion of members of The CFB Wizard Staff, I went to see a physician to help identify my problem.

I don’t know how to say this dear readers, so I will just say it.

I have been diagnosed with PCCTSD……

In layman’s terms I have “Post Cumberland County Tennessee Stress Disorder”

For those of you that are blissfully unaware of my trials and tribulations during the past year or so, this may not make any sense to you and that is certainly understandable.

So I will simply say this, I am not saying that everyone in this part of the world is a liar, a hypocrite or a human being devoid of any conscience, integrity, honesty or character.

That general categorization would be unfair

I will however say on good authority that “IF” God was going to give the world an enema that He would stick the tube in Cumberland County Tennessee.

Until I am completely cured of this terrible scourge I ask for your patience until I can get another prescription from the fine people at Knob Creek.

THE CFB WIZARD QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir –

Despite your obvious distain and excusable ignorance of the Ivy League and its many accomplishments on the field of athletics, I would have thought you of all people would have made mention of two of the Leagues most premier institutions playing last week on ESPN on Prime Time. I am speaking of course of Dartmouth and Yale.

The game was attended by thousands and viewed by millions around the world and yet, you claim to be “the” college football authority, and make no mention of these two elite programs playing?

The Ivy League is without equal not only in our educational programs and institutions but in athletics as well and you of all people should recognize and have respect for such.

Sincerely

Dr. Charles C (Yale Class of 87) – Boston, Massachusetts

A: Ok Chuck let’s take a look at your pints one at a time here shall we?

Believe it or not I watched part of the game you mentioned in large part because there was nothing else on television and I take exception to your comment that the game was “viewed by thousands.”

Although these pictures aren’t of last week’s game (because I couldn’t find any) they are however pictures of Yale’s last home game.

How about this angle, any better?

Maybe this picture is more accurate?

EDITORS NOTE: Man are those stands packed or what?

Let’s face it you have more people show up for a protest than you do for football games.

As to your statement that your programs are “elite” in athletics, I have an idea.

Have one of your “elite” teams (Or hell all of them combined) schedule a game on Baton Rouge on a Saturday Night and then get back with me.

Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

What the HELL???

When did everything (Everything) go so horribly wrong?

I can’t even stand to turn on the television on Saturdays anymore.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Stephanie – Lincoln, Nebraska

A: Ma’am I couldn’t tell by your letter if you were talking about the current state of the Cornhusker football program or the world in general, so due to time constraints I will give you a general overview of “when” I believe things began to go horribly wrong.

When television started airing Feminine Hygiene products and Men’s Monkey Pinocchio pill commercials it was then that the powers to be started charging us two bucks a piece of a damn bottle of water and that Miss Stephanie is when things started to go wrong.

Q: Hey Man!

The past couple of seasons you have had videos from Jermaine “Funny Maine” Johnson on your website, but I haven’t seen any this year, what’s going on?

That guy is pretty funny!

Thanks!

Billy – Tupelo, Mississippi

A: Apparently Billy, once a person gets to be popular and successful they are more concerned with who is a racist on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube than actually being funny and entertaining.

Fortunately I am neither that successful nor that popular, but I assure you that once I am, I will make it my mission in life to keep fat people out of Wal-Mart and off of America’s beaches.

But until then enjoy this video from SEC Shorts…

Q: Hey there Neighbor!

It has come to my attention that you live right up the mountain from us here in Pikeville Tennessee (The Possum Capital of the World) and even though your book ain’t got no pictures in it, we want to invite YOU, cause you’re a famous author and all, to be THE Grand Marshall of our Annual Possum Festival!

That’s right!

You get to ride in the Possum Parade in the back of Old Man McKinney’s Chevy pickup truck and be the judge for the Possum Roundup and hold on to the seat of your britches; be the Head Judge for the fixings competition!

You get to taste (judge) Possum Fritters, Possum Fries, Possum Pie and my personal favorite of all time, Possum on a Stick!

We is all ready to roll out that strip of recently cleaned remnant carpet for your grand arrival as the Grand Marshall of the Possum Parade!

See you soon!

Sincerely

William C. “Cletus” Walters
President of the Pikeville Camber of Commerce
Pikeville, Tennessee

A: Unfortunately I must decline your invitation as I am highly allergic to banjo music, the theme from “Deliverance” and people that can floss their teeth with a number two pencil.

Q: Hey Mister CFB Wizard!

I heard you were going to be on the Weather Channel, is that true?

Let us know!

Diane – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Sadly Diane I will “not” be on the Weather Channel as my suggestion, idea was rejected by the network. Although my skills in American Sign Language (ASL) are severely limited I volunteered to become an ASL Interpreter for the various State and Local officials you see on the weather channel during a potential disaster.

With all due respect to M.C. Hammer my video submission on my idea was far more accurate (RUN) than what whatever may being said by the Government talking heads (RUN) and by utilizing the somber looking crowd in the background that always follows a Governor around, I thought having them as backup dancers would add an element of entertainment to the tense atmosphere.

Some people just don’t respect “genius” when they see it….

A WORD FROM THE CFB WIZARD

You may be unaware of this…..

But ever since I started this College Football Website I have a gotten a variety of hate mail every single week from various people, locations and most of which are fans that are upset about one thing or another or just upset about everything.

Then there are those people that search the internet to find something that will offend them, and thus give them a cause to rally around and someone to destroy as they plant their flag of righteousness upon the moral high ground.

Apparently there are even petitions circulating on the internet by some groups to have my websites (Both of them) removed from the World Wide Web.

I have been called rude, all the “isim’s” you can think of and some that I didn’t know even existed and a racist and most recently I have been accused of writing and producing “Offensive Content” on my website.

So let me say this……

I don’t care if you are a left handed lesbian cross dressing leprechaun who owns a pet squirrel and are somehow offended by what I write or what I believe.

I am going to continue to write what I want and when I want until it is no longer fun.

In closing I would like to say “IF’ you think my past content was offensive….

Then wait until next week when I tell you another story about what happened recently.

Just to get your blood boiling I will give you a little teaser about the story.

Although I consider myself a fine cook and I need to be as it’s just “Doc” the Black Lab and myself but there are a couple of things that continue to baffle and elude even my advanced culinary skills.

One of which is gravy.

It either comes out as wallpaper paste or it looks like cream colored water.

There is no in between.

It’s maddening.

This past Sunday I was determined and I had a new recipe from none other than the Queen of the Southern Kitchen, Miss Paula Dean.

I was careful, I was diligent, I was paying attention, or so I thought.

As my experiment began to bubble and boil “Doc” the Black Lab stuck his head around the corner of the kitchen with a look on his face that said, “Are you cooking something or did you just fart?”

Undeterred I completed my gravy and although it didn’t taste “quite right” I ate it none the less, because any Marine will tell you “everything” taste good with enough Tabasco.

The following morning Doc and I were out to pick up fallen limbs etc from the latest storm that passed through here when I had a powerful urge to, how should I say this without “offending” anyone?

Number 2

Now before we go on any further it’s important for me to note for those people getting offending reading this already, especially the ones from New York, Chicago and California who don’t have a point of reference that here in the South we have a variety of winged creatures and insects that will sting you but the most heinous of the bunch are those that live and make their nests in the ground.

They are what we refer to as ground Wasps (or Wass-pers) but they are actually Yellow Jackets and they are aggressive as a hungry pit bull.

So back to the story

I quickly found a tree and dropped my trousers to expel yet another gravy experiment gone wrong, and wouldn’t you know it?

I had unintentionally and unknowingly parked my butt over a Yellow Jackets nest.

I will make this brief……

Before I knew it and could complete the mission at hand one I was stung by one of those damn things right on my taint.

If you are somehow unaware of that term it describes that bodily area between your posterior and your personal business, you know, the “down under” part.

I will write more about this next week once the swelling goes down, but until then for all the critics and those that are offended by what I write, I hope your taint falls off.

THE GAMES

Tuesday 9 October

Appalachian State at Arkansas State
I have never been more certain of a pick all year…
MOUNTAINEERS 35-9

Thursday 11 October

Georgia Southern at Texas State
The Eagles from Statesboro are on a roll and Texas State has a wonderful literary program and a rather distinguished library.
FREE BIRDS 33-21

Texas Tech at Texas Christian
These two fine schools in the Republic of Texas are heading in the same direction..
No Where
HORNED DOGS 34-31

Friday 12 October

South Florida at Tulsa
Although the game is in Tulsa and one would immediately think It’s Tulsa Time!
We are due for a time change soon, and that is…
NO BULL 31-17

Air Force at San Diego State
I’m afraid the Mighty Air Force is grounded this week….
PONTIAC AZTECS 33-28

Arizona at Utah
Stop me if have heard this one before….
Two Utes walk into a bar each with a sock money in one arm and an ice cream in their hand, wait I told that one already?
Damn it, I’m sorry
TWO UTES 41-21

Saturday 13 October

Minnesota at Ohio State
It’s Wife Beater Saturday in Columbus!
Everyone arriving at the Big Horseshoe on Saturday gets two free Urban Meyer hot dogs and half off any game day ticket with a spouse or significant other that arrives with at least one black eye or a limb in a cast.
But like all promotional events to receive these special awards the significant other must declare prior to accepting said gifts that their visible injuries were caused a by a “fall”
BLACK EYES 41-24

Delta State at West Alabama
The seasonal streak is broken let the Okra be Feared once again!
(I think….)
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Florida at Vanderbilt
This game will be uglier than Hillary Clinton’s pant suit collection.
GATORS 38-13

Mars Hill at Carson Newman
While doing my due diligence for each and every game, I searched for Mars Hill…
All I found was Uranus
EAGLES 34-31

Tennessee at Auburn
There was time I was excited about this game….
Now, it just makes me sad
WAR DAMN EAGLE 28-14

Rutgers at Maryland
In the vent the very thought of this game bores you…..
Might I suggest “The History of Shoe Polish” on the QVC Network
NINJA TURTLES 6-3

Iowa at Indiana
Yippee another Big Ten (What’s the number now, 18?) Conference Rivalry Game!
This one is called “Indiana Gets their Ass Kicked Every Year”
Sadly it doesn’t come with a trophy, just a lot of shame and lowered expectations.
HAWKEYES 34-14

Nebraska at Northwestern
You read it here first folks….
It’s true
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Montana at North Dakota
Kickoff in Bismarck should be a balmy thirty degrees…..
Sounds like Big Bear weather to me
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-10

Oklahoma State at Kansas State
I want to go on record as saying I strongly support any team whose mascot resembles the late great Burt Reynolds.

COWBOY UP! 41-24

Duke at Georgia Tech
Although I am a big fan of John Wayne I cannot support “this” particular “Duke”
Sorry, not sorry
YELLOW JACKETS 41-28

Louisville at Boston College
Both of these teams are more disappointing than my gravy recipes, if that’s even possible.
BOBBY’S BIRDS 24-21

Alabama Birmingham at Rice
I am convinced that rice has been beaten to a pudding already this season.
IRON CITY BOYS 34-14

Troy at Liberty
As many times as liberty has been beaten this year I doubt they have any freedom left
MEN OF TROY 41-10

Chattanooga at Western Carolina
What the hell is a “catamount” anyway?
If you ask me……
It sounds like somebody is doing something naughty behind the shed with one of the teaching aids at the taxidermy school
MIGHTY MOCS 28-17

Southern Miss at North Texas
I would dearly love to go with the Golden Eagles in this one…..
It’s going to be close
MEAN GREEN 34-31

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
Yippee….
Another week of hearing how damn great the Fighting Irish are….
GOLDEN GNOMES 44-10

Georgia at LSU
This my friends is going to be a tussle…..
“IF” it were a late night game I would feel different, it isn’t so I don’t.
SMART DOGS 28-17

Mississippi College at North Alabama
Damn it Lions…..
Please?
FLORENCE LIONS 34-10

North Dakota State at Western Illinois
Far be it from me to pull against anything “Leatherneck” but this is business
MIGHTY BISON 38-14

Washington at Oregon
“Doc” the Black Lab despises anything Duck or Geese….
That’s good enough for me
HUSKIES 31-28

Michigan State at Penn State
As you have come to expect, another Big Ten (seriously, what’s the number now?) Conference rivalry game and this one is played for the “Land Grant Trophy”
What is that exactly you may be asking?
The loser of this contest must remove General / President Grant from his Tomb in New York City and mount his petrified body on the roof of a 1965 Pontiac Bonneville and present the body to the winning team at practice the following week.
NITTANY LIONS 34-17

Husson at Alfred State
Frankly I am appalled and disgusted that Saddam had a college in this country and we didn’t even know it! No damn wonder it took us so long to find Bin Laden.
I am speechless….
BIG AL 44-10

Baylor at Texas
Ok. Ok. I am picking you this week, now will you please shut the hell up!
LONGHORNS 41-21

Central Florida at Memphis
I was going to watch this game but unfortunately “Doc” the Black Lab and I have a macaroni art class scheduled for that time, sorry.
O’ GLODEN KNIGHTS 141-98

Texas A&M at South Carolina
I wish I had better news for my Gamecock Faithful….
But I don’t
AGGIES 28-17

Valdosta State at Florida Tech
The Boys from South Georgia are scoring more than Bill Clinton at a Church picnic
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-21

Temple at Navy
I haven’t seen the Navy this unprepared since Pearl Harbor….
But my loyalties run deep
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31

Marshall at Old Dominion
I know the Thundering Herd has taken its lumps lately…
But I am still a believer
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-31

Army at San Jose State
I cannot believe that I am actually picking army two damn weeks in a row…
I am now officially questioning my own sanity
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 34-21

Purdue at Illinois
Here we go……
Another of the many rivalries within the Conference that can’t comprehend simple math.
This one is played for “The Purdue Cannon”
Not to be confused with “The Purdue Sphincter Cannon” or “The Purdue Dookie Howitzer” or even “The Purdue Margareta Musket.”
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding you might have had
BOILERMAKERS 44-10

Missouri at Alabama
Homecoming at the Beautiful Capstone in Tuscaloosa
My dear friends, Alumni I am sorry to say that I will be unable to attend this years festivities as I am still being held as a POW.
CRIMSON TIDE 38-24

Arkansas Monticello at Southern Nazarene
I know that Bo Knows and I know that Bo knows Weevils….
Wait I confused myself there for a minute…
Never mind
BO’S WEEVILS 33-31

Bethel (MN) at St Olaf
In the event you were or are unaware St Olaf….
(The patron Saint of overweight portly German men who talk with a lisp)
Is in fact currently undefeated!
That trend continues on Saturday
OLLIES 34-17

West Virginia at Iowa State
I really should have invested my money in a second had couch store in Morgantown…
I really should have…
MOUNTANEERS 41-21

Miami at Virginia
I don’t think I need to remind anyone what “season” it is….
HURRICANES 34-17

Houston at East Carolina
I don’t understand either of these teams…..
One week they defeat a big high profile team the next week they lose to Beatrice’s Hair Extension Academy and Nail Salon. I don’t get it….
COUGARS 3-2

Virginia Tech at North Carolina
I can’t even look at you two teams right now….
You disappoint me so much
TURKEYS 6-5

UCLA at California
I really wanted to watch this game but The Western Region Rock / Paper / Scissors Championship is going to be on ESPN 2 at the same time.
DA BEARS 4-3

Wisconsin at Michigan
Once again this week we have yet another of the rivalry games in the “Whatever the Number” Conference and this one is played for the “Victory Meat Popsicle”
Gross…..
CHEESE MEN 28-24

Ole Miss at Arkansas
This will be the highest scoring game of the weekend…..
Believe it
COL SANDERS / FOAM RUBBER BLACK BEAR / FOAM RUBBER SAND / LAND SHARK REBEL(S) 51-49

Hawaii at Brigham Young
Damn it Brigham…..
In the name of Donny and Marie can’t you win just one game when I pick you?
COUGARS 34-31

Colorado at Southern California
Sadly Wynonna Judd will not be traveling with the team from Boulder this week to Los Angeles to lead the team onto the field. Apparently she contracted a hoof infection from a Vietnamese while getting a pedicure this past week.
No Matter…..
WYNONNA’S 31-28

Boise State at Nevada
I know, I know…..
The Wolf Pack is favored in this game…..
I can assure you, that in football just like in life those that are favored don’t always win
Believe it
BRONCO’S 41-38

Next Week….

Your Week Eight College Football Picks will be out as expected and on time….

No Need to Thank Me Dear Readers….

It’s How I Roll

So Stay Tuned there is more on the way

One More Thing….

I have been woefully behind and terribly distracted as of late and have failed to provide you all a “new” story as promised on Mikerights.com.

I hope to have that remedied by tomorrow (I hope)

In the meantime be good to yourself and those around you.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.