College Football Picks Week 3

September 14, 2017
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

As you all know by now Hurricane Irma interrupted and canceled many of our beloved college football games last weekend and may have a dramatic effect on some games this weekend as well.

This doesn’t surprise me…..

It’s just like a contentious woman to try and screw up a college football Saturday.

If that comment doesn’t get me hateful emails then nothing will.

Enjoy……

Weekend Rewind….

Let’s get right too it shall we?

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 60 and 6 last weekend, while being the “Only” one to pick the Mighty Oklahoma Sooner’s over Ohio State.

“Yes”, I said the only one…..

EDITORS NOTE: You are Welcome Sooner Nation

The CFB Wizard was also one of the “few” who picked the reining National Champion Clemson Tigers over the Auburn Tigers in Death Valley along with the “Upsets” of Kansas that truly wasn’t much of stretch to be honest and certainly Houston over Arizona was good one.

EDITORS NOTE: You are Welcome Clemson Tigers….

I did however underestimate Southern California, and overestimated Arkansas, Baylor Illinois and Stanford. But such is the life of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

After two weeks of college football The CFB Wizard is 135 and 13 or 91%.

Not too bad….

But not as good a percentage as my dear friend from Birmingham, Alabama

Enjoy Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson’s take on last week’s games….

I love this guy


A BRIEF CFB WIZARD COMMENTARY

I know this may be a rambling diatribe to some…..

But I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge September 11th here

Before that day became known as a day of infamy in our nation, it was known in the great State of Alabama as Coach Paul W. Bryant’s birthday and it still is remembered as such.

This past September 11th Coach Bryant would have turned 101 years old.

He had a profound impact on so many people, because primarily he wanted those around him to be “good” people, to do “good” things and promote the positives of life.

This is a story that he drilled into us, it’s about “How you Treat” those around you…

I will try and recount the story in Coach Bryant’s words

I hope it touches your heart today……

I had just been named the new head coach at Alabama and was off in my old car down in South Alabama recruiting a prospect who was supposed to have been a pretty good player and I was havin’ trouble finding the place..

Getting hungry I spied an old cinder block building with a small sign out front that simply said “Restaurant.”

I pull up, go in and every head in the place turns to stare at me. Seems I’m the only white fella in the place. But the food smelled good so I skip a table and go up to a cement bar and sit.

A big ole man in a tee shirt and cap comes over and says, “What do you need?” I told him I needed lunch and what did they have today? He says, “You probably won’t like it here, today we’re having chitlins, collared greens and black eyed peas with cornbread.

I’ll bet you don’t even know what chitlins (small intestines of hogs prepared as food in the deep South) are, do you?” I looked him square in the eye and said, “I’m from Arkansas I’ve probably eaten a mile of them. Sounds like I’m in the right place.” They all smiled as he left to serve me up a big plate. When he comes back he says, “You ain’t from around here then?”

I explain I’m the new football coach up in Tuscaloosa at the University and I’m here to find whatever that boy’s name was and he says, yeah I’ve heard of him, he’s supposed to be pretty good. And he gives me directions to the school so I can meet him and his coach.

As I’m paying up to leave, I remember my manners and leave a tip, not too big to be flashy, but a good one and he told me lunch was on him, but I told him for a lunch that good, I felt I should pay.

The big man asked me if I had a photograph or something he could hang up to show I’d been there. I was so new that I didn’t have any yet. It really wasn’t that big a thing back then to be asked for, but I took a napkin and wrote his name and address on it and told him I’d get him one.

I met the kid I was lookin’ for later that afternoon and I don’t remember his name, but do remember I didn’t think much of him when I met him. I had wasted a day, or so I thought.

When I got back to Tuscaloosa late that night, I took that napkin from my shirt pocket and put it under my keys so I wouldn’t forget it. Back then I was excited that anybody would want a picture of me. The next day we found a picture and I wrote on it, “Thanks for the best lunch I’ve ever had.”

Now let’s go a whole buncha years down the road.

Now we have black players at Alabama and I’m back down in that part of the country scouting an offensive lineman we sure needed. Y’all remember, (and I forget the name, but it’s not important to the story), well anyway, he’s got two friends going to Auburn and he tells me he’s got his heart set on Auburn too, so I leave empty handed and go on see some others while I’m down there.

Two days later, I’m in my office in Tuscaloosa and the phone rings and it’s this kid who just turned me down, and he says, “Coach, do you still want me at Alabama ?” And I said, “Yes I sure do.” And he says OK, he’ll come.

And I say, “Well son, what changed your mind?” And he said, “When my grandpa found out that I had a chance to play for you and said no, he pitched a fit and told me I wasn’t going nowhere but Alabama, and wasn’t playing for nobody but you. He thinks a lot of you and has ever since y’all met.”

Well, I didn’t know his granddad from Adam’s housecat so I asked him who his granddaddy was and he said, “You probably don’t remember him, but you ate in his restaurant your first year at Alabama and you sent him a picture that he’s had hung in that place ever since. That picture’s his pride and joy and he still tells everybody about the day that Bear Bryant came in and had chitlins with him.”

“My grandpa said that when you left there, he never expected you to remember him or to send him that picture, but you kept your word to him and to Grandpa, that’s everything. He said you could teach me more than football and I had to play for a man like you, so I guess I’m going to.”

I was floored. But I learned that the lessons my mama taught me were always right. It don’t cost nuthin’ to be nice. It don’t cost nuthin’ to do the right thing most of the time, and it costs a lot to lose your good name by breakin ‘ your word to someone.

When I went back to sign that boy, I looked up his Grandpa and he’s still running that place, but it looks a lot better now; and he didn’t have chitlins that day, but he had some ribs that woulda made Dreamland proud and I made sure I posed for a lot of pictures; and don’t think I didn’t leave some new ones for him, too, along with a signed football.

I made it clear to all my assistants to keep this story and these lessons in mind when they’re out on the road. If you remember anything else from me, remember this. It really doesn’t cost anything to be nice, and the rewards can be unimaginable.

EDITORS NOTE: Amen Coach, amen…

Thank you

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

MISSOURI: What the hell is up with the Missouri “Tiger” mascot…..

Did you get that damn thing from a Goodwill store?

It’s embarrassing

BAYLOR: I received several emails over the course of the last two weeks concerning Baylor Bear “fans” in their stadium screaming at the camera’s “We are Number One!” while shaking their index finger identifying them as “Number One!”

I know this can be confusing to a television audience, especially since the once might Bears have lost two weeks in a row.

Let me clarify…

The Baylor Bears are indeed “Number One!” But perhaps not for the reasons you may expect. They lead the nation in rapes by college football players and the purchase of date rape drugs in the tri-county area of Waco, Texas.

I hope this resolves the confusion.

ESPN ANNOUNCERS: I know that too often I wonder about the strangest things…

As an example, a week ago I was passing through Gatlinburg Tennessee and I saw a store that promoted “Amish Furniture and other handmade Amish Items”

I couldn’t help but notice that the store had a paved parking lot and electricity.

Shouldn’t they have oil lamps or something?

Just a thought

That brings us to last weekend….

I have noticed several announcers on both ESPN and on the SEC Network are Muslims.

Not that I have a problem with that….

But don’t “they” realize they are announcing games where they “Toss the Pigskin”

I’m just saying…

ESPN II: I can admit it although I think I need to attend a “Help” group of some sort….

I actually agreed with former Auburn Coach and current ESPN College Football Commentator, Tommy Tuberville’s comments regarding potential coaching carousels and disgruntled college football fans.

And before you ask……

“NO” I wasn’t drinking, much…

OKLAHOMA: Sooner Quarterback Baker Mayfield said his planting the Sooner flag in the center of the “O” in Ohio State’s Big Horseshoe was based on his frustrations that “Nobody picked them to win.”

Apparently “someone” needs to start reading The CFB Wizard, because HE did pick the Mighty Sooners. You are Welcome…..

I think its worth one more look….

The Flag Planting on Ohio Jima….

OHIO STATE: I tried to tell you last year, but did you listen?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO You didn’t….

Don’t make a bunch of Okies mad by singing your fight song on their field after you win a game, I tried to tell you, remember?

Those people have long memories and carry a grudge, as was demonstrated last Saturday night in Columbus Ohio.

In other Buckeye News…..

Apparently from looking at the crowd in the stadium at the beginning of the fourth quarter, it was obvious as to where all the injuries to Buckeye fans have originated from.

They twisted their ankles jumping off the Buckeye Bandwagon.

TENNESSEE: I have been overwhelmed with the number of emails concerning the “Volunteers Trashcan” that is carried along the sidelines of their football games.

I will try and decipher this for you…

They “say” that HTB stands for “Hide The Ball”

But there are other possibilities to this acronym as well.

Have this Butch

Hillbillies Take Butch

Hide the Baloney

Half Time Blues

Half Ton Butts

He’s Totally Blown (it)

Here, Take Butch (Please)

Hopeless, Total B.S.

Hide The Beating

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this helps…


COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS:
Listen closely…

It’s that time of the year that this all important subject needs to be addressed.

“Jinx- Ability”

What do I mean by that? As a college football fan, there are some things you simply don’t do or say prior too or during any game to change the outcome of the game.

EDITORS NOTE:
This has nothing to do with being superstitious…

Here are a few absolute grievous errors that will increase your college football teams “Jinx-Ability” please take note:

Never (Ever) prior to kickoff say aloud…

“We are going to kick (name the team) ass today!”

EDITORS NOTE: It doesn’t matter IF your team is playing the East Joliet Illinois Beauty College, NEVER take a team for granted or “think” the injury bug won’t bite you.

Never (Ever) say during the third quarter…..

“We got this game; I’m going to fire up the grill.”

EDITORS NOTE: See Texas A&M and Baylor….

Enough said…

Never (Ever) say aloud during any college football game….

“That player everybody is in love with (on the opposing team) isn’t worth a crap.”

EDITORS NOTE: Those words will hardly leave your lips when “he” will begin throwing for five hundred yards and scoring seven touchdowns routing your team.


EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: My Dear Friend, CFB Wizard,

I’m writing to you Live! From the comfort of my home office in a seedy motel in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada.

It’s sunny and 107 degrees, and, man, what a great day for a college football letter!!!

I can see by YOUR numbers that you are well on your way to a top seed in the College Football Humor rankings and, man, those accolades and awards you have received are WELL deserved!!

So, the reason I’m writing you is that I’m hoping you’ll help me put away a little unfinished business from about 4 years ago. As you know, during one of my award winning broadcasts, the AL-AH-Bama Crimson Tide National Championship game, I commented on how good looking and appealing young Katherine Webb was.

And, she still is about as supple as a vine ripe tomato, if I might say so. Well, anyway, to make a looooong story short, I was pushed out a major network and find that people are STILL talking about this. I just want you to pass on to your very ASTUTE readers, that I meant nothing untowardly by those comments, that I’m still paying for them, but, man, Katherine’s mother, well, she’s as hot as a firecracker!!!

I mean the fantasies that our viewers had on that fateful night must have been TORRID!!! So, Mr Wizard, do me a favor, and help a brother out. Let people know that my only hope and dream is to broadcast LIVE at any and every football venue in the country and do a play by play that is both tantalizing and entertaining!!!
 
Brent Musburger
Retired….
And Looking

A: I am not saying I found your letter creepy.

I’m just saying I had to take a shower after reading it.
 

Q: Dear Mr Wizard

I know you like my Texis Lonhorns and were prob’ly dispointed by are game a week ago but you gotta know that we jest had a hiccup or somthin’ and are goin ta git ‘er done this weekend ginst California Southern. I thank that’s one a them Mexican teams so we’re shore gonna make taco salad outta them.

But lemme tell ya the best thang of all. We’re still a ranked team!!! Heck yeah!!! We made tha ESPN Bottom 25 this week!!! Case you don’t know what that is, that’s tha part of the rankins that’s at tha bottom of tha Top 25, I thank. See ya gotchure top Ten whair tha very best ranked teams is at like Albama and Clempsin and Oklihomma and stuff and then a few more and then at the bottom of tha top 25 is tha Bottim 10.

At least that’s how I thank it works. But, anyways we’s in that and we are proud as peacocks and we gone keep gettin in tha bottim 10 till we the nummer one Bottim 10 team in tha whole dang countree!!!

Charlie “Cowboy” Conyers
Carrizo Springs, Republic of Texas

A: I have never heard of a dyslexic Cowboy, until now….

Q: Dear Collidge man

It’s me!!! Lemuel from Ludowici!!!

I ain’t rote cha in a good little while cause I had some gall bladder thangs goin’ on with me and then they tried to take my trailer when I wudn’t workin’ but I’m GOOD NOW!!!

Did you see that Georgia Dawg game tha other nite?? Yep are Dawgs went ta tha Southern Bend a Indiana and came out a there with a big ole W!!!

An you no wut else??? We had about a gazzilliun folks up there watchin and cheerin for are GERGIA DWAGS!!! Heck, it looked like thair was more a us than them!!! And I knowed we made them Yankee folks uncomfirtable cause they had ta be around a bunch a us Southerners but we didn’t even care!!!

So, hairs my questiun. Everbudy I heard tell it said they liked playin up there. An there was so many of us thair do you thank they’d just let us play some more a are games up there? I mean it’s just like a Southern place cause it’s got Jesus an you know all us down here love us some Jesus!!!
 
Yore firend
Lemuel
GOOOO DAAAWAGS!!!
 
A: What’s with all the illiterate emails this week?

I’m headed to the liquor cabinet…..

Q: Dear Sir –

I am Jacob Stoddomeyer and I am the head of the CFB Playoff Committee COL Division. As you have seen this year, there have been numerous worthy performances to date in the SEC, and this is only week 2!!!

We are excited to look at all the teams and crown one deserving participant at the end of the season. So far, we’ve seen a much over-hyped Tennessee team squeak by a Georgia Tech team, who according to every pundit had inferior talent to the Volunteers!!!

We’ve breathlessly watched a Texas A&M team blow a huuuuuge lead to UCLA and lose the game on a last second trickeration play!!!

Everyone witnessed the Florida debacle against Michigan to kick off the season. But wait!!! Last week Auburn put up one of the most futile efforts in the history of College Football against Clemson. AND, it was showcased on NATIONAL TV!!!

We know that the season isn’t even a quarter of the way over, but honestly, these are going to be difficult performances to top as the season unfolds. So, as always, we will wait until mid season to publish our rankings, but, be patient. There will be more worthwhile performances as the season unfolds!!!
 
Jacob Stoddomeyer
Chairman
College Football Playoff Committee
Championship of Life Division

A: There is no doubt that there a number of worthy teams showing their “Championship of Life” skills on the gridiron this season,, which very will end with a coaching staff being shown the door to the “Championship of Life” and a check for their buyout clause.

THE GAMES

Thursday 14 September

New Mexico at Boise State
This is only show in town on Thursday Night….
It may not seem interesting to you
But I’m watching it, it’s been a long off-season
(Don’t judge me)
BRONCO’S 41-24

Friday 15 September

Illinois at South Florida
Remember you heard it here first….
The Boy’s from Tampa are for Real
And that’s No…..
BULL 34-21

Arizona at Texas El Paso
This is absolutely the best college football game on at 0200 EST….
Believe it
WILDCATS 41-24

Saturday 16 September

Air Force at Michigan
I’m afraid the Falcons are grounded this week….
Sorry…
WOLVERINES 34-14

Oklahoma State at Pittsburgh
I have already heard that several ESPN announcers are calling this game an “Upset”
So says the people who didn’t pick Oklahoma over Ohio State (At Home…)
COWBOY UP! 38-17

UCLA at Memphis
I think this game has the potential to be uglier than a midnight trip to Wal-Mart
Just saying….
BRUIN BEARS 44-17

Southeast Oklahoma at Ouachita Baptist
I hate to go against anything “Oklahoma” this week….
But we Baptist have to stick together
GOTCHA BAPTIST 34-31

East Central at Arkansas Monticello
East Central…what?
I’m confused….
BO’S WEEVILS 33-17

Northern Illinois at Nebraska
My Black Lab “Doc” is going against the “Dogs” in this one…
He must know something…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 34-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Texas A&M
This game features Raging Cajuns and Raging Aggie Fans….
Come on Aggies….
GIG EM 38-17

Kansas at Ohio
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset” not really…
FRANK’S CATS 31-28

Delaware State at West Virginia
I can almost smell the smoldering couches from here…..
Light Em’ if you Got Em’
MOUNTANEERS 51-10

Iowa State at Akron
The Cyclones got treated like Jodie Foster in the “Accused” last week by the referees..
Not so much this week…
CYCLONES 38-17

Furman at North Carolina State
“Doc” gave me head nod on this one…..
Good Boy…
WOLFPACK 44-17

Baylor at Duke
I know it’s not possible…..
But just the thought of both of these teams losing..
Makes me tingly
BLUE DEVILS 34-28

Northern Colorado at Colorado
This is the first game that Colorado mascot “Wynonna Judd” runs on to the field…
Before you ask, “No” that’s not Wynonna wearing a fur coat.
It’s her back hair…
Bless her heart
BUFFALOS 44-10

Utah State at Wake Forest
I have no rational reasoning for making this pick…
Just so you know
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

Wisconsin at Brigham Young
This game will get out of hand before the Cougars hear….
“Will you please stand for the National Anthem…”
MEN OF CHEESE 44-17

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Little known fact……
“IF”…….
“You put one foot in and take one foot out…”
You will automatically become a Hokie Fan
(It’s a Rule)
HOKIES 33-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This Battle in the Metro-Plex is played for……
“Iron Skillet”
I’m afraid my Ponies are going to get spanked with it….
HORNED FROGS 38-21

Tennessee at Florida
The rivalry between these two teams has never been hotter
This game may very well cost one coach their job on Saturday
Believe it
GATOR CHOMP 31-28

The Citadel at East Tennessee State
“Doc” says go with…..
(I’m telling you he is a genius)
BULLDOGS 34-28

Savannah State at Montana
Back to comfy confines of the Big Sky Country….
It’s going to be all
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-24

Central Michigan at Syracuse
I picked the Chippewa’s last week to “upset” Kansas
I’m going two weeks in a row
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

North Carolina at Old Dominion
Finally the Heels of Tar get a win…..
Finally…
TAR HEELS 41-10

Notre Dame at Boston College
This Old rivalry game between two predominantly Catholic Colleges….
It’s called the “Holy War”
Believe me when I say there is nothing Holy about it
FIGHTING IRISH 34-17

Morgan State at Rutgers
This game will be close…..
NOT..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 44-10

West Georgia at Delta State
This game will be close (Very Close)….
FEAR THE OKRA 34-28

Carson Newman at Wingate
I knew a kid once named “Wingate”….
He had tassels on his handlebars and his bicycle had chrome everywhere…
The little jackass…
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-24

Middle Tennessee State at Minnesota
The Blue Raiders will keep this one closer than you might think…
And might I add..
Don’t be surprised if they don’t upset the Gophers
GOLDEN (O’ SO Very Golden) GOPHERS 31-28

Florida International at Indiana
I’ve never been much of an International House of Pancakes kind of a guy….
I’m a Waffle House Man
Not that it’s all that important here
HOOSIER DADDY 41-21

North Texas at Iowa
From what I noticed last week….
The Hawkeye’s bring their own referees with them to the games…
Which is nice, I guess
HAWKEYES 38-28

Mercer at Auburn
Mercy Mercer!! What the Hell were you thinking?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 189-0

Purdue at Missouri
This game will be like watching two old people fight in the nursing home.
At first it’s funny, and then it’s just sad.
MO’S TIGERS 6-3

Army at Ohio State
The Black Knights will score in this game
Just not enough to make it competitive
BUCKEYES 88-28

Oregon State at Washington State
I have a feeling the Beavers Season has already tanked….
Sorry….
MIKE’S CATS 34-21

Tulane at Oklahoma
Note to Green Wave Fans that attend this game in Norman….
Behave yourselves or the Sooners will beat the living hell out of you….
Those people don’t appreciate bad manners
Just saying
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 44-17

Kent State at Marshall
Three Words…..
WE ARE MARSHALL
THUNDERING HERD 41-21

Colorado State at Alabama
The Tide better be ready for this game……
The Rams destroyed Oregon State and almost derailed Colorado’s season.
It’s going to be closer than you might think…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

LSU at Mississippi State
Cats and Dogs…..
It’s going to be a brawl and it’s going to be close
Believe it
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-24

Southern Miss at Louisiana Monroe
This game will be slugfest on the Bayou….
Don’t leave your seat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-28

Oregon at Wyoming
I’m sorry I can’t watch a Cowboy get whipped by a Duck….
It’s unnatural
QUACKERS 41-17

Georgia State at Penn State
This game will be uglier than seeing any Clinton in a bikini…..
Sorry for the visual…
NITTANY LIONS 49-10

Samford at Georgia
My Black Lab “Doc” said go with the “Smart” dogs in this one….
He’s such a good boy…
SMART DAWGS 41-14

Kansas State at Vanderbilt
I am calling it…..
“Upset Special”
COMMODORES 28-24

Kentucky at South Carolina
Let the Big Rooster Crow!
The Gamecocks are on a Roll…..
GAMECOCKS 34-24

Georgia Tech at Central Florida
I know, I know….
Some “people” are calling for an “Upset” in this one….
I say…
Nope
YELLOW JACKETS 38-17

Clemson at Louisville
This game will be close…..
It could go either way
Believe it..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-28

Rice at Houston
This old Rivalry in Houston is played for “The Bayou Bucket”
It’s always a good one and this version will be no different
COUGARS 41-24

North Alabama at Valdosta State
This is “Clemson and Louisville” on another level….
It will define both team’s seasons..
I hate to make this pick
BLAZZZZZZERS 34-17

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
This rivalry in the Buckeye State is played each year for…..
“We aren’t Ohio State Trophy”
In case you were wondering the trophy has a laughing Woody Hayes on the top
BEARKATS 31-24

Arizona State at Texas Tech
I have no idea why I am making this pick…
None….
RED RAIDERS (GET THOSE GUNS UP!) 33-28

Texas at Southern California
I can’t watch this……
It’s going to hurt my heart
TROJANS 44-17

Fresno State at Washington
Any game involving two canine mascots are referred by “Doc” as a “Win-Win”
He says go with the “Big” Dogs in this one…
HUSKIES 34-14

Stanford at San Diego State
The Cardinal disappointed last week….
(At least they disappointed me…)
Not so much this week
CARDINAL 41-10

Ole Miss at California
I’m sorry……
I’m just not a believer in the “new” Ole Miss (Foam Rubber) Black Bear Rebels…
DA GOLDEN BEARS 34-24

Juniata at Urisinus
This game sounds like Juanita has a sinus or a urinary track infection….
I just hope it’s not both
Bless her heart

Next Week….

Your Week 4 College Football Picks will be on the wire next Thursday

Just as you have come to expect…..

I will try and have a few other things on the site to keep you motivated this week too.

So Stay Tuned…

One More Thing….

You will have a “New” article on Mikerights.com next week that I hope you enjoy..

I know I say this too often.

But thank you all again for supporting both websites and purchasing my little book, “Sunnyside Up”. My Black Lab “Doc” and I appreciate it more than we can say.

Enjoy your weekend…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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