Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s hard to believe we are less than a week away from Christmas….
And here just like during Christmas, you can’t unwrap all your presents at one time. (It’s against the rules, just so you know)
With that in mind, this week will be Part I of the Bowl games with the second segment of the bowl games published on the 30th of December.
But in the meantime, consider the Part I of the 2019 College Bowl games as Christmas comes early.
You are Welcome America
Enjoy Your Bowl Games
Weekend Rewind…
As the 2019 College Football Season comes to a close, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the last week at 2 and 1, leaving The CFB Wizard at 683 and 148 or 82% for the entire season.
So, my friends it’s another season in the books here at The CFB Wizard
Headquarters.
I thank you all for reading and riding along with us all year.
I would thank you all individually, but we are getting ready to have our annual CFB Wizard Christmas Party here for the staff and family of the organization and you know what that means, right?
You guessed it, Fred from the mailroom is going to get all liquored up in his Santa Claus suit and Denise is going to xerox pictures of her butt on the copier (again).
I just hope we don’t have to tazer anyone out of the punch bowl again this year.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
LSU: Joe Burrow of the LSU Tigers won the Heisman Trophy last week..
And this needs to be said about his acceptance speech.
You did good Joe, you did good.
Congratulations, you deserve it
MINNESOTA: Gopher’s back-up placeholder and four-time cancer survivor Casey O’Brien had a spot on his lungs removed a few weeks ago and is back at practice this week and preparing for the Bowl game against Auburn.
Welcome Back Casey, we missed you.
IOWA: Former Hawkeye and Hall of Fame Coach Hayden Fry passed away this past week.
He Coached the Southern Methodist University Mustangs from 1964 to 1972 and won a Southwest Conference Championship and later Coached at Iowa from 1979 to 1998 and won three Big Ten Championships in the process.
He was gentleman of the game. A man’s man.
Thanks for memories coach.
ARKANSAS: In this week’s episode of “As the Coaches World Turns” …
“Former” Missouri Tiger Coach Barry Odom is now the Razorback Defensive
Coordinator.
On Next’s Week’s episode…
Former fitness guru, Richard Simmons
Will be named as the Head Coach of the Missouri tigers.
TEXAS A&M: With all due respect to the Aggie Tradition of the 12th man in College Station.
The “Real” Home of the “12th” man is the Naval Academy in Annapolis
When you pull a kid from the stands to play quarterback in the biggest game of the year and two years later, he is player of the year in your conference.
Enough said.
ARMY-NAVY GAME: I don’t know why ESPN College GameDay choose to interview this guy last week…..
The Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff
Army General Mark Milley (Not related to the Milley of Cyrus fame, Just FYI)
But the General’s politically correct pep talk was ridiculous as it was stupid.
In his failed attempt to motivate, General Cyrus, I meant Miley said:
“Today I am not Army, I am Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard”
EDITORS NOTE: Ah, what?
Need I remind you General Miley Cyrus, that the Coast Guard isn’t “in” the Department of Defense.
And just for the record, checking for open containers and life jackets in boats isn’t the same as going to a damn shooting war, you babbling overdressed baboon.
O’ Yeah one more thing.
You could stand to drop a few pounds in that uniform General.
I was afraid one of the buttons from your jacket was going to fly off and put somebody’s eye out.
ARMY-NAVY GAME PART II: I can’t believe I am even discussing this but…
Apparently, someone or someone’s were watching the game on television and were offended that a cadet from one of the military academies “flashed” the white power sign on television. “They” reported it and NOW the Army AND the Navy are “investigating” it.
Do you care to guess what this “sign” was?
It was this
Let me tell you, I have been white my whole life and I have never heard of anything so damn stupid and utterly ridiculous in all my life. Some of you damn people need to get a life and stop fabricating something to be offended about.
There, that’s my advice.
SOUTH CAROLINA: You may have missed this, but football lost a giant this past week.
James “Radio” Kennedy who was the inspiration of the movie “Radio” passed away at 73.
It was reported by newspapers around the country and around the world.
He never played football, couldn’t talk very well or read.
But there is a statue of him at T.L. Hanna High School in Anderson, South Carolina.
Although mentally disabled “Radio” made a bigger impact on peoples lives than most of us ever will.
Life is about Love for Your Fellow Man.
It’s about respect for each other and taking care of each other.
Are we lifting each other up or are we tearing them down?
It’s a question we should ask ourselves each and every day.
MERRY CHRISTMAS: You asked for it, and through some maneuvering we have delivered.
We contacted Sylacauga Ledbetter on the set of his upcoming CMT Christmas Special with Shania Twain, and he agreed to tape a Christmas song for the readers of The CFB Wizard.
Think of it, as our gift here at The CFB Wizard to you the loyal readers.
You are Welcome
THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS QUESTION AND ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
Our Family enjoys a wide array of movies to celebrate the Holiday Season, everything from “It’s a Wonderful Life” to “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” to just about everything in between.
What are your favorite Holiday Movies?
Bibi – Cartersville, Georgia
A: I enjoy the classic Christmas movies as well such as:
The Dirty Dozen
(Which Ironically doesn’t have anything to do with 12 Elves with Hygiene issues)
And certainly, the Classic Holiday movie, “Billy Jack”
(He’s like Santa Claus but he kicks a lot of naughty people in the face)
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
I cannot believe how damn horrible the referees have been this year in the Southeastern Conference.
I never thought I would (ever) say that the Big 10 or the Big 12 or even the PAC 12 had better referees than the Sec, but the sad truth is they do.
So, I have to ask, who in the hell is in charge of the referees in the SEC this year, do you know?
Thanks
Sincerely
Luther – Town Creek, Alabama
A: I agree with you Luther.
I do happen to know who is in charge of the Southeastern Conference Officials and when I contacted him several weeks ago, he said, and I quote:
“I don’t see anything wrong with the officiating this season”
In case you were wondering this is a picture of him;
Q: I guess you think you are pretty damn smart, don’t you?
You like to use your big words like you are some sort of webster’s encyclopedia.
But you ain’t folling no body smart ass.
Anonomous – Big Lick, Tennessee
A: Sir, I am no Webster and I should never be compared to that great Shakspearian actor.
May you gaze longingly at his picture in wonderment….
As he “flashes” the White Power sign.
And just because i can, I picked out two other racist too…
Q: Hey Mister CFB Wiz!
Look, we know you are no fan of Ohio State, but I have a question.
Do you think Ohio State will beat Clemson in the Fiesta Bowl?
Paul – Ottoville, Ohio
A: Paul for a guy that lives in Ottoville, you Otto know better than to ask that question.
Q: Hey there Mr. Smart-aleck College Football Wizzer,
I’m about tired of you and this crappy site tryin’ ta bring down my POWERFUL football team and my TOUGH conference!!! Let me tell you something, bubba. ME and only ME and MY team might beat up on Duke or Wake or NC State, but don’t YOU or ANYBODY else go trying to pick on them and the AYE-CEE-FREAKING-CEE!!!
Nobody in this conference is afraid to play anybody, anytime, or ANYWHERE!!! Heck, Duke has a home and home date with UNC-Charlotte in 2020 and 2021!!! And from 2021 all the way till 2026 Wake Forest has home and home games against ARMY!!! They ain’t no joke, baby. Oh, yeah, and N.C. dadgum State has away games with South Flarda AND UCONN in a couple a years!!!
So why don’t you and your little cry baby followers just go out and B.Y.O.S.R.!!! Know what that means SMARTY BRITCHES? Heck no you don’t… BRANG YORE OWN SNOT RAGS and cry me a doggone river!!! HAHAHAHA!!
Dabo Swinney
Head Coach
THE Clemson University
In the
TOUGHEST CONFERENCE IN ‘MURICA!!!!
A: The Good News Here is…
In the event your coaching career goes South you could always be a comedian.
THE BOWL GAMES PART I
Friday 20 December
Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl
Buffalo and Charlotte
See, this bowl game confuses me.
I know what “Maker’s Mark” is and I have even “wanted” it on occasion.
But this whole name is baffling to me.
O’ Yeah and wasn’t the Bahama’s destroyed in a Hurricane last year?
Whatever
MISS CHARLOTTE 34-31
The Climate Change Bowl
Sponsored by Time Magazine Person of the Year, Greta Thumbupherass.
This game in balmy Fargo North Dakota at -25 degrees is PROOF of Global Warming.
(No teams can attend this game as the airport is frozen over, sorry)
Tropical Smoothie Café Frisco Bowl
Kent State and Utah State
What in the hell is the name of this damn bowl game?
Since it’s in San Francisco it should be called:
“Homeless People Pooping in the Streets Bowl”
(The winner of the game gets a 12 pack of Charmin)
AGGIES 31-28
Saturday 21 December
Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl
Alcorn State and North Carolina A&T
At least I understand the name of this bowl game.
I say Celebrate good times, come on!
Braves 28-24
New Mexico Bowl
Central Michigan and San Diego State
I like “Old” Mexico better, there are fewer Mexican’s there
Just saying
CHIPPEWAS 28-21
FBC Mortgage Cure Bowl
Liberty and Georgia Southern
I don’t like any Bowl game with an acronym, it’s weird.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 41-21
Chribundi Boca Raton Bowl
Florida Atlantic and Southern Methodist
In case you didn’t know, “Chribundi” is a French word for “Wart”
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34
The Kellogg’s Cereal Fruit-Loops Bowl
San Francisco is hosting a spectacular event which features diversity and inclusiveness. Qualification for this big event will be that the teams must come from a campus which has done their utmost to feature an advancement of LGBTQRSTUV causes and their struggles for inclusion in greater society!!!
This year, the Missouri Tigers will take on Evergreen State in matchup of pansexual proportions!!!
And at halftime there will be a Skoliosexual Showcase!!!
There will be Autosexual Attractions galore!!!
And as if that weren’t enough there will be an Omnisexual Parade of Champions prior to the game to celebrate loving peoples of all genders and sexual preferences!!!
EDITORS NOTE: Don’t laugh, it’s probably going to be a reality in a few years.
Camellia Bowl
Florida International and Arkansas State
As a Southerner I understand the name of this Bowl game
Sweet Home Montgomery Alabama
RED WOLVES 28-24
Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl
Boise State and Washington
It only been a few days after December 7th.
That being said, I am diametrically opposed to any Bowl game named after the planes that bombed Pearl Harbor. There I said it.
BRONCO’S 34-28
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Alabama Birmingham and Appalachian State
You think I am going to ridicule the name of this bowl game?
Heck NO, I was once “The People’s” mayor of New Orleans
I love that town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-24
Monday 23 December
Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Central Florida and Marshall
This Bowl game seemingly has it all in the title.
“Bad Boys”, “Lawnmowers” and a “Foot Fungus”
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-31
And here’s another brand spanking NEW College football bowl…
(To go along with the other 632 bowls that are already on tap)
It’s the Democratic National Committee IMPEACHMENT BOWL!!!
This game pits two teams from two liberal arts universities to compete to be the first team to breathlessly be the first to vote for impeachment in the U.S. House of Representatives!!!
The inaugural gala this year will be a grudge match between two institutions from the opposite coasts – Harvard and U.C. Berkeley!
(No game will be played as everyone will be out protesting something, sorry)
Tuesday 24 December
SOFI Hawaii Bowl
Hawaii and Brigham Young
Again with the acronyms…..
I don’t get it
COUGARS 31-28
Thursday 26 December
Walk-On’s Independence Bowl
Miami and Louisiana Tech
I will walk where I damn well want to, thank you very much.
Never mind, that’s a restaurant. Sorry
BULLDOGS 33-31
Quick Lane Bowl
Eastern Michigan and Pittsburgh
So a Bowling Alley in Detroit has a Bowl game now.
Wonderful
PANTHERS 34-21
Friday 27 December
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Temple and North Carolina
One question…
Why aren’t there any Military Teams in the Military “Bowl”
HOOTERS 34-31
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Wake Forest and Michigan State
Who thought a Bowl game in the Bronx in December was a good idea?
DEMON DEACONS 34-28
Academy Sports & Outdoors Texas Bowl
Oklahoma State and Texas A&M
Anything with “Texas” in the name of the Bowl is alright by me
COWBOY UP! 38-34
San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Iowa and Southern California
They should rename this in “honor” of San Diego and call it:
“The Mud Slide, High taxes, Illegal Aliens, Wild Fires, Poop in the Streets Bowl”
(It’s got a more authentic ring to it, wouldn’t you say?)
HAWKEYES 33-21
CHEEZ-IT Bowl
Air Force and Washington State
I can’t say anything clever or funny about this game.
I love those damn cheese crackers.
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28
Saturday December 28
The White Privilege Bowl
Sponsored by Bluebell Dairy Vanilla Ice Cream and The O.K. Corral Tour Group
The two teams selected for this game are currently in a secret meeting plotting against minorities and inventing new hand signs to flash and therefore can’t play in the Bowl game. Sorry
Camping World Bowl
Iowa State and Notre Dame
I have a feeling, maybe that “feeling” is my hatred for Notre Lame
We’ll see
CYCLONES 38-34
Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic
Penn State and Memphis
I like the “outside” Cotton Bowl, the Original one, not Jerry’s World.
Somebody needed to say it.
NITTANY LIONS 34-33
Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl
LSU and Oklahoma
Now we are getting serious.
Believe it or not folks, this one is going to be close
Really, Really Close
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-28
Play-Station Fiesta Bowl
Ohio State and Clemson
Not as Close as the Bowl game above, but close nonetheless
BLACKEYES 44-28
Monday 30 December
SERVPRO Responder Bowl
Western Michigan and Western Kentucky
For those that are not hungover from yesterday’s games…
We have a game sponsored by a Vacuum Cleaner Company
Somebody is going to suck in this one
HILLTOPPERS 38-21
Redbox Bowl
Illinois and California
In Santa Clara, California we have the Redbox Bowl!!!
All participants will receive hundreds of excess DVD’s and Blue Rays from old movies that no one has shown an interest in watching. As an added bonus, play calling will be done via Kiosks on the sideline! Coaches simply scroll the various choices of offensive and defensive alignments, push a button, and the play is printed out and shuttled in to the team!!!
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-24
Franklin American Music City Bowl
Mississippi State and Louisville
I used to really love Nashville, until I suddenly realized it’s located in Tennessee.
CARDINALS 38-17
Capital One Orange Bowl
Florida and Virginia
Nope, not even close
MIGHTY GATORS 41-17
Next Week…
Just as a reminder, Part II of the Bowl Picks to include the Championship Pick will be out on Monday, 30 December. But in the meantime, there will be a few articles to keep you entertained on both websites to include some of your classic Christmas stories.
So, Stay Tuned..
One More Thing….
“Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab and I will busy working for Santa Claus this time of year.
But in the meantime, He and I hope you all have…
A Very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or a Crazy Kwanza.
God Bless You All and Be Good to One Another
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD