Ladies and Gentlemen –
I guess when I wrote last week……
“Week 5 of the College Football Season is where dreams go to die…”
I must have been referring to my Prognostications for the week.
More on that a little later….
Enjoy your Picks..
Weekend Rewind…..
There is no point trying to sugar coat it…..
Each and every “Upset Special” I picked last week when right in the crapper
Maryland over Penn State…..WRONG!
(Damn Turtles! I should have known better)
Virginia Tech over Duke…..WRONG!
(Bunch of damn turkeys!)
Virginia over Notre Dame….WRONG!!!!
(Well Hell….)
Nebraska over Ohio State……WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
(Children of the Corn…damn it all)
Then Toledo “Upset” Brigham Young…….
That did me in……
However, surprisingly enough The CFB Wizard finished the weekend at 40 and 7 or an astounding 85%. (Yeah I was shocked too)
That leaves Your Semi-Favorite College Football Prognosticator for the season at 304 and 41 or holding semi-steady at 87%.
Maybe I need to change something in my weekly Prognostications…..
You know to get back “On Track”
They don’t make “Lite-Bourbon” do they?
I didn’t think so, never mind
THE CFB WIZARD EMAIL(S) OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Sir
I think your promotion of college mascots in reckless and dangerous!
There is a team called the Hurricanes in Miami!
Such a name for a climate change disaster that affects the entire planet and kills and destroys life is nothing short of wholesale ignorance and stupidity and at the very least is disrespectful to mother earth!
How do you even explain yourself!
Gretchen – Chicago, Illinois
A: Thank you for the well thought out and emotional email.
“IF” you think the Miami Hurricane mascot/nickname is bad…..
Then you certainly don’t want to see the Bill Clinton video tutorial on Tulsa….
He has an entirely different “take” on what “Golden Hurricanes” mean…
I’m just saying
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
I beech you in the name of goodness, fairness and diversity to please limit your criticism of the Ivy League this season. We have the most esteemed universities and the minds of the “Best and Brightest” flock to our colleges from all over the world to unite in common goals for all peoples of the earth.
Please reconsider your unwarranted criticism of our universities.
Thank you
Sincerely –
Dr. Donna Menendez – Davis – Rogers- Freeman PhD
Harvard – Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: I don’t know about all that Donna (Whatever) But I do know this…..
Your football teams suck and your marching bands aren’t much better
O’ Yeah one more thing
Your name is stupid as hell too; you might as well call yourself “Donna Hyphen”
Q: Will You PLEASE STOP referring to the Colorado Mascot as Wynonna Judd!
YOU are ridiculous!!!
STOP IT! IT IS NOT FUNNY!
Debra G.
(President of the Wynonna Judd International Fan Club, Inc)
Nashville, Tennessee
A: I wasn’t trying to be funny I was simply being complimentary of Wynonna.
By the way
I think the polished calcium deposits on Wynonna’s head look fabulous.
Q: Hey Man!
You seriously blew it with your “Upset Specials” last week!!!
Holy Cow!!
You didn’t even come CLOSE on ANY of the “Upsets”!!!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Jerry – Amarillo, Texas
A: You are absolutely correct Jerry I missed each and every one of them by a mile …
But don’t worry, I am back this week and I have “Seen the Light”
I hope you do too
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
HOT SEAT O’ METER:
Jeremy Pruitt – Tennessee
Well, the Velveteers had a bye week, but, unfortunately, they came up on the
short end of the stick there, too. 3 players bailed on the Velveeta’s and
(what the hell did we say here???
.Watch out, Vels. Ole’ Phil is waiting in the wings. Out of football all this time…. Got an Athletic Director fired….. Got the President of the University fired…. But, oh well, what’s that saying? “That’s how they do it on the mountain.”
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 90 to 95
(Buyout $11.5 million AND still paying Butch)
Will Muschamp – South Carolina
South Click’s Muschamp had a job-saving win over Kentucky last week. Will
was literally playing for his job. Another loss added to the 5 game skid
against the Wildcat’s would have probably really gotten AD Ray Tanner in the
mood for a serious evaluation of his football coach.
This win bought the ‘head ball coach’ of Sakerlina another week, but the upcoming schedule will certainly give everyone pause to contemplate the pro’s and con’s of a future with or without Coach Muschamp.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – Simmering at a semi-comfortable 70-75
(This isn’t bad if you’re attempting to keep your house warm on a cold winter
night)
Joe Morehead – Mississippi State
Joe’s got problems. A loss to Kansas was not expected. But even less
expected was an all out smack down by Auburn. And among the infamous on the
schedule ahead is…..
Alabama
LSU
A&M (And we’re giving them the benefit of the doubt)
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 75 to 80
Willie Taggert – Flarda State
Okay, can we talk honestly here? We know that all the ‘Nole fans long for
the days of Bowden and fumblerooski and days of yore.
But, c’mon, you know Willie Taggert is like that girl that you thought was so good looking, and you asked her out for the prom date, and when you picked her up you realized that all that pancake makeup on her face was to cover her raging acne
condition.
And to top it all off you discovered that she had a serious case of body odor that just made you gag. And you had all these regrets after you picked her up and drove around in your F-150. Yeah, that’s Willie.
But, as soon as you point out the obvious, all the ‘Nole fans circle the wagons and
get really pissy and say, “hey, that’s my girlfriend and I’ll kick you’re
ass cause I like a woman that doesn’t shower every day cause that means
she’s not some prissy little princess!!!” So, let’s be really honest. Jimbo
left you a train wreck. And Willie’s tripping over the railroad ties and
twisted boxcars. You need Builder Bob not Barbie.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 85 to 90 (What would Colonel Jessep say?
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!”
A (BRIEF) CFB WIZARD COMMENTARY: Those of you that may know me..
Know one thing for sure about me…
EDITORS NOTE: “NO” not that thing the other thing, stay on track here people
I am talking about my aversion to rules and making more rules and more rules and making more rules, it’s as exhausting as reading that sentence I just wrote.
But I want to suggest to the powers that be in College Football that there be a penalty established for (Wait for it…)
“Illegal use of the Number 1 Finger”
KNOXVILLE, TN – SEPTEMBER 09, 2017 – Fans during the game between the Indiana State Sycamores and the Tennessee Volunteers at Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, TN. Photo By Jake Bradshaw/Tennessee Athletics
There are few things more annoying than fans of a team that “may” or “may not” win enough games to be eligible for the “Prairie Belt Canned Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia” screaming at the camera while violently wagging the finger that proclaims…
“WE ARE NUMBER 1!!!”
My recommendation for the penalty, loss of down and a three minute pause while the rest of the college football world laughs like a bunch of drunken hyenas.
SOUTHERN METHODIST: Mighty Mustangs, WE SEE YOU!!!
UNDEFEATED! (So far..) Well done…
MICHIGAN: I am sorry (No I’m not..) But I couldn’t help it….
OHIO STATE: I couldn’t resist, sorry (Not really)
NORTH CAROLINA: You almost won by the hair of your chinny chin, chin….
EDITORS NOTE: I want to make this perfectly clear…
That comment was in no way a disparaging remark to our Chinese brothers and sisters.
That would be racist and insensitive
EDITORS NOTE: I have seen enough Kung Fu movies not to make them angry.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Told you so…..(Yet you doubted me…)
MINNESOTA: If you have a few minutes, I suggest you watch this….
Let me introduce you to Mr. O’Brien
It will do your heart good
THE GAMES
Thursday 10 October
Georgia Southern at South Alabama
Despite the fact I am a South Alabama guy…..
I do love that song..
FREE BIRDS 34-10
Temple at East Carolina
I have picked against Temple almost every game this season.
It’s time to make up
HOOTERS 38-17
Friday 11 October
Central Florida at Cincinnati
I guess you could call this one an “Upset”
BEARKATS 33-31
Saturday 12 October
Utah State at LSU
This game will be uglier than watching Hillary Clinton Twerk
(Sorry for the visual)
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 54-17
Oklahoma at Kansas
Please see the above game description….
(Once again I apologize for the visual)
ROLL JALEN ROLL 49-14
North Alabama at Hampton
I knew a kid named “Hampton” when I was growing up..
He was a spoiled, snotty little turd
I forgot where I was going on this one, never mind
FLORENCE LIONS 34-17
North Dakota State at Illinois State
Just for the record….
Nobody (And I do mean NO BODY)
Is afraid of a damn Sycamore tree, certainly not…
MIGHTY BISON 41-21
Virginia Military Institute at Citadel
This Military College Rivalry is played each year for the coveted, “Silver Shako”
Which I am pretty sure is related to the mullet (The fish, not the haircut)
BULLDOGS 34-14
Kent State at Wisconsin
Nothing to see here, except an ass whipping…
CHEESEMEN 44-10
Hamline at St Olaf
It’s Homecoming at St. Olaf and they are undefeated …
Although Hamline is looking for an “Upset” here, let me quote..
The greatest urban philosopher of the later half of the twentieth century
M.C. Hammer when he said, “NO, It is NOT Hammy Time”
OLLIES 34-20
Purdue at Penn State
This game will be close until you hear, “And the rocket’s red glare…”
Then it’s all….
NITTANY LIONS 41-17
North Carolina Pembroke at Carson Newman
Is Pembroke the same people that sell sausage and cheese around the holidays?
Who knew they had their own college?
EAGLES 44-21
Norwich at Springfield
I failed to mention (My apologizes) that Norwich had defeated Castleton for..
“The Battle of the Maple Bucket” and remains undefeated this year
The trend continues on Saturday
CADETS OF NORWICH 34-17
Iowa at Michigan
Yeah, I said it…..
HAWKEYES 28-24
East Central University at Arkansas Monticello
This confuses me “East Central” What?
You are “East” of “Central” where exactly?
I bet Bo Knows….
BO WEEVILS 34-17
Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
The lack of defense in these two teams is quite offensive to me…
COWBOY UP 54-51
South Florida at Connecticut
Little known fact about yours truly…
If it weren’t for spell check I would misspell “Connecticut” every single week
And that my friends is…
NO BULL 33-17
Texas Christian at Iowa State
“Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab said to go with…
HORNED DOGS 33-31
Maryland at Rutgers
“IF” the damn turtles can’t beat Rutgers….
Then they need to change their names to the “Slugs”
NOT-SO NINJA TURTLES 34-17
Tulane at Army
The Green Wave will be reduced to a slightly magenta trickle when this one is over
(I am colored blind and to be honest I thought “Magenta” was a Spanish Bullfighter)
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 34-21
Boston College at Louisville
I have no earthy idea why I am making this pick
(Just saying)
CARDINALS 33-31
Auburn at Florida
I have an impartial opinion…
That would like to weigh in on this game before the pick..
MIGHTY GATORS 31-28
Bowling Green at Notre Dame
Whatever….
FIGHTTININ ERIISH 44-10
Texas at West Virginia
The Mountaineer fans won’t be burning any couches this Saturday Night..
Sorry…
HOOK EM’ HORNS 38-14
Mississippi College at Valdosta State
The Blazzer’s of South Georgia are undefeated and will remain so on Saturday
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-23
Ohio at Buffalo
When in doubt trust Coach Frank…
FRANK’S CATS 31-28
Baylor at Kansas State
I say the Wildcats rebound this weekend…
(I have no idea why I sounded like Foghorn Leghorn on that pick)
WILDCATS 33-17
Illinois at Minnesota
Chief Illiki-Wiki and Golden Ground Rodents
This sounds like the last nightmare I had after I ate at the Chinese Buffet
Never mind..
GOLDEN RODENTS 31-17
Memphis at Louisiana Monroe
In the words of the King of Rock and Roll….
“Thank you, thank you very much…”
ELVIS’S TIGERS 41-24
Montana at Idaho State
I am going with the Boys from Big Sky Country here…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-28
Northwestern at Nebraska
These two teams..(Sigh)
I haven’t been this disappointed since my last blind date…
I still can’t believe her seeing-eyed dog actually bit me.
Just for the record, rabies shots are not as sexy as they sound, just saying
CHILDREN OF THE CANDY CORN 28-24
Delta State at West Florida
You can’t fool me, I know that “West” Florida is “Alabama”
FEAR THE OKRA 34-17
Southeastern Oklahoma State at Ouachita Baptist
It’s Homecoming on the Baptist Campus and you know what that means?
Some Okie’s are going to the baptismal on Saturday
GOTCHA BAPTIST 34-31
North Carolina at Georgia Tech
“Hey let’s go for the two-point conversion…”
Dumbasses….
(Sorry I couldn’t help myself)
TARS OF HEEL 34-24
Troy at Missouri
I wouldn’t rule out the Men of Troy in this one…..
MO’ CATS 34-31
Arizona at Colorado
I can’t wait to see Wynonna run onto the field and motivate the crowd in Boulder.
I hear they trimmed her back hair this week.
WYNONNA’S 38-17
Georgia at Tennessee
Dear Fat Phil Fulmer, have you ever heard, what goes around comes around?
(“NO” I am not talking about the herculean effort to get a belt around your pants)
SMART DAWGS 44-10
Michigan State at Ohio State
Thus far the only person to stop Justin Fields from scoring has been Kirby Smart.
Too soon?
BLACKEYES 41-24
Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Keep on Rolling Mighty Mustangs!
MUSTANGS 38-21
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
I will go with Lionel Richie’s Pick on this one….
COMMODORES 33-31
California at Oregon
Nobody cares, just admit it
QUACKERS 3-2
Pittsburgh at Duke
I won’t rule out the Blue Devils in this one….
PANTHERS 31-28
Oregon State at UCLA
Why, just why…..
That’s my only question
SOMEBODY WINS
Washington at Stanford
There was a time that this was a marquee game…
It’s been a while
HUSKIES 28-17
Boise State at Nevada Las Vegas
The Bronco’s are slowly moving up the polls, don’t count them out
BRONCO’S 44-10
Next Week…..
Your Weekly College Football Picks will be out as expected….
(You are Welcome America)
Along with a few other surprises…
So Stay Tuned….
One More Thing…
As promised you have another (“yes” I said another) “New” story on Mikerights.com for you that I hope you will enjoy.
I am not trying to worry you dear readers, but I want to brace you for the story.
I have gone Hollywood
Enjoy your games and be good to one another
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD