Ladies and Gentlemen –
The difficult part of the schedule of the college football season is now here…
It’s October
Or as Wal-Mart would describe it….
It’s Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas Time!
Also known as…
Hallo-Gobble-Mass
(Say that three times fast and see what happens)
I haven’t seen so much crap put out for sale since Lane Kiffin left OBKnoxvile.
Too Soon?
Enjoy your picks…
Weekend Rewind….
Other than picking yet another “Upset” of the now tarnished Knights of Central Florida, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator did little to enhance his reputation as the foremost college football forecaster in the country with a 36 and 10 or 78% last weekend.
That leaves The CFB Wizard at 340 and 51 or 87% for the season.
I would expound further on this subject but…
We have the Red River Rivalry and….
A little Ole Night Game in “Death Valley” to discuss…
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
THE COACH’S HOT SEAT O’ METER
Chip Kelly UCLA
The losses just keep piling up on ole’ Chip. And with the latest loss to perennial Pac 12 bottom dweller Oregon State, well, it’s just downright ugly.
BUT, there is hope for Kelley. I just don’t think people really care that much out in sunny Southern California.
They’ve got beaches. They’ve got Holly-weird. They’ve got Justin Beiber. In other words, I don’t think anyone is paying attention anymore….
That’s why we’re dialing back the CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter on old Chip
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 60-65
Michigan …Coach Jimmy Hairball
Jimmy says the offense “is soooooo close”… to something. We don’t know what he meant by that. Maybe he meant to say it’s “so close to imploding.” Or “so close the edge of a cliff that we’re about to go over the side.”
But if putting up a whopping 10 points on Iowa is an indication of progress, then I’d hate to see what it looks like when they actually “struggle” As we said before, Harbaugh is a legacy at Michigan and they’re going to give him all the rope in the world…. to hang himself.
But, check out the Michigan blogs and message boards.
They ain’t happy up in Ann Arbor.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 78-83 (like a pressure cooker, the steam is building)
Tennessee and Coach (Soon to be fired)
It was a thorough beatdown at the hands of the Bulldogs in Neyland on Saturday. Yes, yes Georgia allowed you some hope as you took an early lead, but like a cat playing with a mouse, the Dawgs got tired of messing around with the Velveteers and then finally went in for the kill.
And, yes, you might have found another quarterback, but, ahhhhhh, you need to find some offense and a way to play a little defense. But, hey!!! Jeremy is early in his second year and you’ve only got a few million left to pay on the Butch Jones contract, so, our crack staff is actually going to downgrade the Pruitt rating this week. ‘Cause even Haslam ain’t gonna bite off on paying the kind of money it’s going to take to run Pruitt off this year.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 85-90
Willie Taggert of Flarda State
Willie got a big win over N.C. State Saturday. The same N.C. State that was winless against Power 5 competition in 2019.
The same Wolfpack team who had 2 wins over 2 directional North Carolina Schools and Ball State. Look, just admit that ole Jimbo left Tallahassee looking like a 15 car pile-up on I-10 and that even with decent recruiting classes, Willie isn’t figuring out how to get the boat headed in the right direction, even with Waze and Google Maps. BUT, fear not. We’re reducing Willie’s Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating, too.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 85-90
The needle is rising on……..
Chad Morris – It just keeps getting worse at Arkansas
Gus Mahlzan – He’s new to the watch list, but, hey…. It’s Auburn. Home of Coach lynchings and public executions since the Bowden days
Lovie Smith – Hate to add Coach Smith. But things aren’t good at Illinois. And, how could you fire the black Santa Claus?
Mannie Diaz – Coral Gables is looking like a Cat 5 hurricane blew through there week in and week out. Remember Tate Martel, formerly of Ohio State?
He’s asking himself “what was I thinking”?
THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
I have a question that I really hope you can answer.
Why is it, during every college football game or damn NFL game there are a hundred or more commercials with Peyton Manning? Is it a rule or something that every commercial has to have him in them during football season?
Thanks
Jeremy – Gadsden, Alabama
A: That’s an excellent question Jeremy, I too am disgusted by seeing Peyton Manning’s expression that always looks like he just smelled a dirty fart in the elevator.
But the reason he is always in commercials is a simple one. Whenever there is a camera, he will inevitably smell it out and stick his face in it.
To prove my point…
it’s worth noting that last year I caught Peyton twice on my Game Camera’s…
Q: Hey man, you need to drop the Jesus in the Sky crap every week on your picks.
Don’t nobody want to see any of that on a football website.
Anonymous – Pikeville, Tennessee
A: It’s unfortunate that you feel that way Anonymous……
I have something for you and your fellow Hillbilly Taliban that you may want to pay attention to.
Before it’s too late
Q: Good Morning Mr. CFB Wizard!
I am the President of the Chamber of Commerce here in beautiful Moscow, Ohio and we would like to cordially invite You to be our Grand Marshall this year for the Annual Ohio River Days here in Moscow.
The festivities will begin on Friday, November first and will continue through Sunday November the third. Please consider accepting our invitation to our lovely village by the mighty Ohio River.
Sincerely
Phillip “Hal” Osterman – Moscow, Ohio
A: Thank you for the kind and considerate invitation. However, I cannot accept your invitation.
I wouldn’t want the National media to think the Russian’s are influencing my Prognostications.
Q: Dear sir,
As commissioner of the Sun Belt Conference, it has come to my attention that there is much angst and consternation regarding on field success of some teams in the Southeast.
While they may not be competitive in their respective conferences, I have a solution to their problems. With this in mind, the Sun Belt Conference is looking to expand by inviting Florida State and Tennessee to join our league.
As you know they haven’t been competitive in their respective leagues, and, dare I say, even relevant over the last couple of years. With this in mind, we intend on extending a lifeline to these two institutions to join our Conference. We run the gamut on competition, ranging from powerhouses like Appalachian State and the University of Lousiana-Lafayette to powder-puffs like South Alabama and Troy.
It’s really a diverse group in which Tennessee and Florida State would mesh well as their football fortunes wane and they seek competition more attuned to the level of football they’re capable of playing. We really hope that these two former prominent programs consider this timely move that would allow them to compete at a more appropriate level of competition for the talent base and coaching that they have.
Sincerely,
Keith Gill, Commissioner
Sun Belt Conference
A: Very insightful sir, very insightful
THE GAMES
Wednesday 9 October
Appalachian State at Louisiana Layfette
This game has all the Cajun ingredients of an “Upset Special”
Because it is….
RAJUN CAJUNS 33-31
Thursday 10 October
Syracuse at North Carolina State
“Doc” the World-famous Black Lab says to go with …
(Like you didn’t guess already)
WOLFPACK 31-17
Friday 11 October
Virginia at Miami
I have read the forecast….
The Hurricanes have been downgraded to a popcorn fart
DUDES ON HORSES 34-24
Colorado at Oregon
I am not as caught up on the latest Animal Planet episodes as I should be…
But a Duck can’t beat a Buffalo, just saying
WYNONNA’S 38-34
Saturday 12 October
South Carolina at Georgia
Closer than you might think….
Don’t count the Gamecocks out in this one
SMART DAWGS 34-24
Oklahoma at Texas
This is The Red River Rivalry….
It’s Sooners and the Longhorns
It’s just neighborly hate, pure and simply defined
ROLL JALEN ROLL 41-34
Michigan at Illinois
This Old Big Ten (Whatever the number is…) Rivalry is played each year for…
The coveted “Sombrero of Cheese”
I hear that trophy is delicious
JIMMYS ‘RINES 34-10
Catawba at Carson Newman
Little known fact….
“IF” you “Catawba” three times really fast you will develop a speech impediment
(It’s only temporary, don’t worry)
EAGLES 38-34
Western Carolina at Citadel
I know that Western Carolina is called the “Catamounts”
I just think it sounds nasty
BULLDOGS 33-17
Memphis at Temple
I know this pick will only “Upset” the Elvis crowd…
But I don’t mean to get you “All Shook Up”
HOOTERS 33-31
Maryland at Purdue
I don’t care….
TURTLES ON THEIR BACKS 3-2
Mississippi State at Tennessee
One thing you can say about the Volunteers…
They are consistent
BULLY DOGS 33-17
Rutgers at Indiana
The Scarlett Knights of Jersey couldn’t beat a Sock Monkey holding a tube of baloney
WHO’S YOUR DADDY 41-17
Arkansas Monticello at Southeastern Oklahoma State
Say what you want, but Bo knows…
BO WEEVILS 34-31
Georgia Tech at Duke
At this point in the season I am sure the Wreck of Tech is just rambling….
BLUE DEVILS 38-17
Northern Iowa at North Dakota State
The Fargo Dome, in Beautiful Fargo North Dakota….
It’s where the Buffalo Roam….
MIGHTY BISON 34-28
Old Dominion at Marshall
Three words for you here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17
Alabama at Texas A&M
It’s going to be close, real (real) close
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 38-34
Florida State at Clemson
I remember when this was actually a good game….
Not so much anymore
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10
Valdosta State at Delta State
I am afraid my beloved Okra are fried in this one…
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 41-24
Ouachita Baptist at East Central
Seriously, “East” of “Central” what exactly?
I don’t get it….
GOTCHA BAPTIST 34-17
Michigan State at Wisconsin
Don’t you just love these Old Big Ten (Isn’t it “16”) conference rivalries?
This particular game is played for the highly coveted…
“Bacon Blanket”
Which ironically is not all that popular in Muslim countries…
MEN OF CHEESE 31`-17
Washington State at Arizona State
It’s time Herman’s Sunny Devils go down in the desert….
MIKE’S CATS 34-31
Cincinnati at Houston
The Boy’s from “H” Town are in for a beating….
BEARKATS 38-14
Brigham Young at South Florida
What the heck is going on in Provo Utah?
I am starting to believe every game they play is an “away” game
COUGARS 31-27
Northern Illinois at Ohio
I know that Frank’s Cats are underdogs in this one…
But I am not counting him out
FRANK’S BIG CATS 34-31
Texas Tech at Baylor
Bear Down….
(It’s a pun people, don’t be shaking your heads)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-38
Nevada Las Vegas at Vanderbilt
Best to Bet on Nash-Vegas on this one
COMMODORES 33-14
Iowa State at West Virginia
Cyclones in Morgantown; Film at Eleven O’clock….
CYCLONES 34-17
Rhode Island at Virginia Tech
I will say this one more time….
Rhode Island is NOT a damn island….
It’s an isthmus (The liars)
GOBBLERS 34-14
Army at Western Kentucky
One thing you can count on here….
Army will take the hill
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-28
North Texas at Southern Miss
This one is going to be close, close, close….
MEAN GREEN 34-31
Fresno State at Air Force
You know I have to go with….
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28
Ole Miss at Missouri
This game will go back forth more than a fat kid on a titter totter.
MO’S CATS 38-34
Southern California at Notre Dame
This Ole time rivalry game is played for the “Jeweled Shillelagh”
Not to be confused with the “Infected Shillelagh” or the “Monkey Shillelagh”
FUGHHTTENG ERRISH 38-17
Merchant Marine at Norwich
Is a “Merchant Marine” somebody that works at the PX?
(Asking for a friend)
CADETS OF NORWICH 28-24
Penn State at Iowa
I still believe in the Hawkeyes….
At least for another week anyway
HAWKEYES 24-21
Louisville at Wake Forest
I still think the Wake mascot looks like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender
DEMON DEACONS 35-21
Nebraska at Minnesota
This relatively new rivalry game is played for the “$5 Bits of a Broken Chair Trophy”
“Yes” I am serious
GOLDEN RODENTS 28-24
Arkansas at Kentucky
Don’t be Blue Cats I am picking you this week….
BIG BLUE CATS 28-21
Navy at Tulsa
The United States Navy can sail through any hurricane, even it’s golden
(I don’t know why but that made me feel weird when I re-read that)
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31
Florida at LSU
It’s “Death Valley” on a Saturday Night
Hold on to your seats, it’s about to get wild in Baton Rouge
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-31
Utah at Oregon State
Ute’s and Beavers……
Sounds like the name of a strip club outside of San Diego
Not that I would know anything about that, I am just saying
TWO UTES 41-24
Hawaii at Boise State
Better keep your eyes on the Bronco’s, they are for real
BRONCO’S 38-21
Washington at Arizona
“Doc”, was insistent about this pick……
He’s such a Good Boy….
HUSKIES 34-17
Next Week….
Your Picks will be out just as you have come expect, along with a few extra surprises just in time for the “Third Saturday in October”, so whatever you do….
Stay Tuned…
One More Thing…
If you haven’t taken the time to read the latest stories on Mikerights.com, I would suggest you do so….
It will give you a good laugh, it’s good for the soul
.
Enjoy your games this weekend and be good to one another….
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD