Ladies and Gentlemen –
Your patience has been rewarded my dear friends, as promised ….
The College Football Preseason Extravaganza Part II is here!
(As “if” you ever doubted me)
O’ sure I could hype this particular segment, but why?
College Football Kickoff is Saturday Night!
You know it’s awesome….
Enjoy…
THE CFB WIZARD EMAIL(S) OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Esteemed Mister CFB Wizard,
Dear Sir, as you know, attendance at most Ivy League institutions has diminished over the years, causing monetary deficiencies in our athletics programs. And if you have attended a football game here at Yale lately, you can’t help but notice the empty seats throughout the stadium.
This is an important revenue stream that is needed to support all athletics throughout this prestigious university’s proper tradition of being a trend setter and perennial power in the Ivy League.
It is with this in mind that we at Yale have come up with several new promotions to be held over the course of the football season to enhance our attendance and increase our revenues.
Our first game of the season will see us host visiting Holy Cross. What better way to raise revenues for that game than to have a “Dunk a Christian” booth set up on the main concourse of the stadium with several local ministers from the community on hand to face our rowdy, agnostic, student body!!!
The following week we will be hosting Cornell and the excitement continues. It’s the highly anticipated “Antifa” day for our highly learned students and alumni where they will wreak havoc on those we deem as less diverse and tolerant than Yale!!!
The team will wear all black uniforms and all in attendance will be encouraged to wear black clothing and ski masks! Additionally, all concessions at the stadium will be selling “Cement Shakes” in souvenir black Yale plastic cups so that should the game get out of hand the opposing fans can be confronted, doused, doxed, and humiliated for all to see!
Later in the season we plan on a Black Lives Matter event where at halftime, members of law enforcement will be surrounded at midfield, and pummeled by students and minorities in order to emphasize the brutality and consequences of police actions in our country!!!
I’m sure all of these activities will see a historical rise in attendance, revenues, and raise awareness among all in attendance that we care, we’re socially responsible, and will not tolerate anyone who doesn’t agree!
So, don’t miss out on our football games or these activities!!!
See you on September 21st!!!
Dr. Peter Salovey PhD
President
Yale University
“Boola Boola!!!”
A: You damn people are as lost as a 15 year old on their first Snipe hunt….
Q: Dear Sir,
As you know, we (Here at THE Ohio State University) are in the process of trademarking the word ‘THE’ which is used in the branding of THE Ohio State University.
But, after careful consideration, we are going to take the trademarking of our great university to new heights. Yes, I am excited to announce that THE Ohio State University will also attempt to trademark the ENTIRE alphabet!!!
Why, you may ask?
Well, it’s simple. It’s because when you’re looking at grand and glorious descriptions of our university, the ENTIRE alphabet is used!!! So, why not? Zealousness, Exciting, Quality, Groundbreaking, Defensive Juggernaut, superb, wonderful, and so many other words are used to describe the excellence of THE Ohio State University Buckeyes football team!!!
Why, we NEED to trademark the alphabet to ensure we can capitalize on our superior organization!!! But, not to worry, we have a solution to the problem of learning English at a young age. Since we will own the alphabet after it is trademarked, we will encourage parents, teachers, and others to learn Spanish instead!!! I mean, with all of the undocumented persons of unknown origin coming across our Southern border this is a natural fit for our youngsters! So, stand by!
We’re excited to see where this trademark endeavor takes us!!!
THE Honorable Michael V. Drake
THE President
THE Ohio State University
A: Ah, just for the record…..
OHIO University…..
Is “THE” First University in Ohio, just so you know and “They” are the “THE”…
Q: Hey Jackass Man of College Football
You think you is real smart don’t you?
Let me tell you how we do it up here on the mountain!
You say one more damn word about our Tennnessseee Volunteeres and we is going to run you plum out of this country!
Go to Hell!
Cricket Man – Spencer, Tennnesessee
A: You spelled “Tennessee” twice and “Volunteers” wrong too…just saying
COLLEGE FOOTBALL “NEWS” and 2019 PREDICTIONS
NOTRE DAME: Whatever the season the Fighting Irish are always (Always) ranked near the top of the preseason polls, but “IF” you would like a “real” point of reference when Notre Dame was actually important……
This television program was popular….
ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY: The first College Football Gameday for the Florida and Miami game will be at Disneyworld did you know that?
Did you also know that Disney who happens to own ESPN and ABC will be charging those that want to attend College Gameday $130.00 dollars a piece and O’ Yeah..
One other thing…There will be NO flags or signs brought into Disneyworld
That means no Washington State flag that has flown at every sight at every College Gameday (Forever) no, nobody’s college football flag….
Happiest place on Earth my Ass…..
MARYLAND: Little Known Fact….
The grotesque Terrapin uniforms were “NOT” inspired by the equally hideous Maryland State flag as some may have assumed. The idea for the helmets and multicolored uniforms was conceived by a student who threw up a Papa John’s meat lover’s pizza at midfield after a night of binge drinking.
Enough said….
DELTA STATE: I don’t know who you are, but someone out there needs this now…
FEAR THE OKRA
TEXAS TECH: The Red Raider faithful known for shouting “Get Your Guns Up!” are under some scrutiny the past few months. It has been noted that Democratic Presidential hopeful and one time native American Indian Elizabeth Warren has demanded that the Red Raiders put their guns “Down” this coming college football season while former Vice President Joe Biden claims to have instituted a gun buy back program for the Red Raider mascot and their faithful.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL 101 (CONFERENCES)
For those of you that are new to college football and are somewhat confused by acronyms and locations of the different conferences, I will break it all down for you in an easy to understand tutorial.
The Big Ten Conference has WAY more than Ten (10) teams in the conference ….
EDITORS NOTE: Actually no one really knows the exact number but I can confirm it’s not ten (10) teams in their conference.
The Big 12 Conference has NO where near 12 teams in their conference which in all reality doesn’t make them all that “Big”, if you know what I mean.
The teams in the Pacific Coast Conference (PAC 12) aren’t all on the Pacific Coast, unless of course there’s an earthquake then Utah or Colorado may actually be beach front property.
The same can be said for the Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC), as not all the teams are located on the Atlantic Coast, which I can only assume has to do with their extensive Hurricane preparedness plan.
My Beloved Southeastern Conference (SEC) teams are not all located in the Southeastern part of the United States, but in all fairness our math is better than the Big Ten and the Big 12. (Just saying…)
The Sun Belt Conference is located in a wonderful place that is indeed sunny…
And “Yes’ there are Mountains in the Mountain West Conference but not all lthe teams are located in the Mountains, just so you know.
The Mid-American Conference (MAC) and their teams are not located in “Middle America” according to the fine people at Rand McNally.
EDITORS NOTE: And yet we wonder…..
Why kids in College don’t understand math or geography.
NEBRASKA: Many people ask me each year for my prediction for the Heisman Trophy
This year…..
“IF” the Cornhusker offense isn’t any better than they were last year….
I predict the Nebraska punter will set an NCAA Record of punting for 72,000 yards and win the illustrious Heisman Trophy.
CLEMSON: Meanwhile at the home of the National Champions….
THE GAMES
Saturday 24 August
Miami and Florida
It can’t get much better for the kickoff of the 2019 College Football Season
Two Powers squaring off in Orlando
I know it’s Hurricane Season…..
But I am thinking it’s going to more of a Tropical Depression
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17
Arizona at Hawaii
I won’t be up at 0200 Sunday morning for the kickoff to this game….
Sorry…
WILDCATS 3-2
Villanova at Colgate
It’s the Ivy League…..
I know of twenty high schools in Texas that would kick both of their ass’s
NOBODY CARES
Youngstown State at Samford
I hate to pick against any Alabama boys (Auburn being the noted exception to that rule)
But…..
PENGUINS 33-17
Next Week…..
You will have Your full Week 1 One Picks and another installment of College Football 101 for the new comers to our beloved sport along with your favorite emails of the week and few other things to get ready for the first full week of the 219 College Football Season…..
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing….
Thank you all again for reading both websites…..
I recognize there are other flasher college football websites with more in-depth analysis of this or that, and you could go anywhere for your picks and college football news.
Thank you for riding along with me for yet another season….
“Doc” The World Famous Black Lab and I greatly appreciate it
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD