Ladies and Gentlemen –
Please don’t be alarmed by the earlier than usual release of the 2019 College Football Week 1 Picks, we will get back to Thursday release of the picks next week.
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator and the World Famous Black Lab “Doc” are in the process of relocating The CFB Wizard Headquarters.
No, no we aren’t moving to China or Ecuador, although I am considered quite tall in both of those counties. No, we are staying right here in the Good Ole U.S. of A.
So don’t worry…
But enough about me, It’s time for the kickoff of our 2019 Season!
Hang on; it’s going to be a bumpy ride
THE CFB WIZARD EMAIL(S) OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Esteemed College Football Wizard,
We here at the NCAA have heard many cries accusing this great and benevolent organization of unfair application of the college transfer rule and I would like to take this time to clear the air.
You see we have to consistently apply the rules and regulatory situational metrics which impact decisions on individual cases which could constitute a deregulatory system of checks and balances heretofore known to be applicable to all in the supervisory and governing embodiment of the Transfer Portal.
It’s just that simple. In other words, we receive notice that Player A is entering the Transfer Portal, Player B enters the portal, and so on down the line. It is at that time that we collect information on graduate status, family situation, hardships, and other factors that we consider before granting a transfer. After this, we sequester ourselves in a private, luxury hotel suite, with catered dining, and the finest wine and begin our discussions of each and every request.
After these discussions, well, we spin the wheel!!!!
We have each and every situation covered on the Wheel of Transfer-Fortune and then… BANG!!! We have a discussion. So, I hope this primer on our process helps to both clarify the process and enlighten the general public about the tedious, careful, time consuming process we at the NCAA takes in order to determine if a student athlete may be granted immediate eligibility to participate in collegiate athletes after he or she enters the transfer portal.
Regards,
Mark Emmert
President
National Collegiate Athletic Association
“Student Athletes ‘R US!!!”
A: Now that’s as close to the truth of a statement as I have ever heard the NCAA make, congratulations.
Q: Dear Sir,
I would like to express my disdain with the recent announcement of sanctions and probation of Mississippi State athletics.
Here is what really happened with the tutor or whatever.
We have numerous student athletes who are not astute at typing and a couple who had injuries to their hands. Said students were required to take online tests and write term papers. Because of their “disabilities”, they simply enlisted the aide of their tutor to take required tests and write term papers in order to satisfy course requirements.
However, THEY PROVIDED ALL ANSWERS AND IDEAS for the course work! Yes this tutor worked alone on the assignments but he had worked with the athletes enough to know their knowledge of the coursework and how they would answer on tests and what they would write in the term papers.
We vehemently and strongly disagree with the NCAA findings and are sure you will agree with our logical, well thought out explanation
Blah blah blah
President
Mississippi State University
A: Go ahead, blame Jackie Sherrill,, I know you want too.
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard,
As you probably already know, another one of our Volunteer student athletes from the football team has been arrested and charged with a crime. As you also probably know, I had more than my fair share of student athletes who ran afoul of the law.
Now, while I felt like I handled these situations fairly and justly, many felt like I merely brushed things under the rug, hid them, or whatever else a snowflake will make accusations about.
Well, they just don’t understand how we handle things “up on the mountain.”
So, in order to better adjudicate this situation here in the athletic department, we are going to bring in some outside help to assist us in evaluating the guilt or innocence of this young man. With that in mind, I am announcing today that we are bringing in Coach Jimbo Fisher to ensure that we adequately bring this situation to a fair and just conclusion not only for the young man, but also for the University of Tennessee.
Coach Fisher was instrumental in ensuring Jameis Winston was treated fairly and that Florida State and Florida State athletics benefitted from his being sheltered and shielded from unnecessary scrutiny from law enforcement and other outside interests.
We feel like we can do the same for our institution as this young man could be key in a run for the SEC East Championship.
Phillip Fulmer
Athletic Director
University of Tennessee
A: Same Ole Fat Phil….
Making the Bail Bond Business Great Again in OBKnoxville
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
OHIO STATE: It seems the Zach Smith saga won’t leave Columbus….
Along with his recent “Beat a Batch” Cookie Dough as described last week here.
Zach has released an album (“Yes” I said an album) to capitalize on his domestic abuse charges in three or four states (But hey who’s counting Coach Meyer!)
The cover of the record says it all…
MIAMI: If you watched any of the Hurricanes – Gator game last week (And I know you did) then you know that South Beach has become quite the novelty with all the catchy items for each play.
They have the “Turn Over Chain”, the “Touchdown Rings” but we here at The CFB Wizard think the Hurricanes have missed an important part of their accoutrement:
I present to you….The Field Goal Grill!
ALABAMA: Believe it or not, some things are bigger than football in Alabama
This is one of them; let me introduce you to a beautiful young lady
20-year-old Megan Deloach says you can do just about anything, and she’s proving it.
She just got accepted to go to the University of Alabama for students with learning disabilities.
She has down syndrome, but her mom says that’s never held her back.
If you haven’t seen Deloach at Newk’s in Hoover Alabama where she works, maybe you’ve seen her at Lifetime Fitness in Vestavia. She’s there every day, working on her fitness, and making new friends.
In just a few weeks, she’s got something new to look forward to every day.
“Super, extremely excited for the three year program for this fall. I can be in the football stands, hang out with your friends, just have a good time,” says Deloach.
Megan will be a freshman at the Alabama with several of the friends she graduated from Spain Park High School with.
“It was kind of heartbreaking to see her left behind because she’s always done everything they had done,” says Marilyn Deloach, Megan’s mother.
The past two summers she’s participated in a summer bridge program to get her ready.
“Staying in a dorm, being there when there wasn’t so many kids, students, there. Being able to learn the bus system to get to class, mentors showed them to their classes, help them with their studies,” says Marilyn.
Acceptance letter? Check. Now, it’s her time to shine.
“She knew she was going to get in this program! She and God have this direct line that I couldn’t even begin to understand, but she does. She’s got that sense that is just amazing,” says Marilyn.
Megan believes that direct line could be leading her down a special career path.
“I was thinking fashion. Fashion. I’m always loving to do fashions,” says Megan.
Which she’s already got a head start on.
“Just wing it, every time,” says Megan about her fashionable dangling earrings.
“To see the excitement she went through when she got that letter, I’m like there’s no reason for anyone to dread going to school,” says Marilyn.
Megan couldn’t be happier about starting.
“I want to live on my own,” says Megan.
You may have seen her at Newk’s, or at Lifetime Fitness, but not much longer. Megan Deloach is Bama bound.
Megan says she’s excited about the fall, but until then she’ll be busy shopping with her roommate for their dorm room.
EDITORS NOTE: And that my friends, is beautiful
LEGENDS OF THE FALL
The one thing I hate about the passing of time is watching our gridiron hero’s pass on…
This past year we lost the great Bart Starr of Alabama and Green Bay Packer Fame…
His teammate at Green Bay, Forrest Greg of Southern Methodist University
Cedric Benson of the University of Texas….
The Great Cliff Branch of the University of Colorado
Joe Bellino Navy’s first Heisman Trophy Winner….
Bob Schloredt, of the Washington Huskies, two time Rose Bowl MVP…
The Great Quarterback of Kentucky….Jared Lorenzen
Certainly there are others not mentioned here, but although they are gone from us..
Their exploits will forever live in our memories
THE GAMES
Thursday 29 August
UCLA and Cincinnati
What a way to officially kickoff the 2019 College Football Season!
Yeah, I still don’t care
BRUINS 3-2
Albany and Central Michigan
“IF” Central Michigan was playing the citizens of Albany Georgia I would feel different about this game, they aren’t so I don’t.
(Those people will kick your ass BTW)
CHIPPEWAS’ 34-10
Morgan State at Bowling Green
I am waiting to see Clemson play, sorry…
FALCONS 41-10
Florida A&M at Central Florida
I predict the Golden Knights will win this game declare themselves All-Florida Champions, then pass a resolution to acknowledge they also won World War II and some obscure conflict in Rhode Island in 1890.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 216-3
Georgia Tech at Clemson
The first test of the season for the National Champions….
No need to study
It won’t be much
DABO’S TIGERS 43-13
Alabama State at Alabama Birmingham
This is going to be a real tussle in the Iron City…
Believe it
BLAZZZZZERS 27-21
San Diego State at Minnesota
All these years I have never seen a “Golden Gopher”….until last month….
I saw one in Wal-Mart in a stroller wearing a Tennessee shirt.
Damn that kid had some jacked up teeth
BUCK TOOTHED GOPHERS 34-17
Kent State at Arizona State
I really wish I cared but I don’t
SUNNY DEVILS 44-13
Utah at Brigham Young
The only thing bigger in the State of Mormon this night….
The Donny and Marie QVC Channel
TWO UTES 33-31
Friday 30 August
Rice at Army
The Black Knights are for real…..
Believe it
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 34-14
Tulsa at Michigan State
O’ Yeah this one will be close…..
SPARTANS 106-3
Utah State at Wake Forrest
I want to lean towards an “Upset” here….
But….
DEMON DEACONS 31-28
Purdue at Nevada
I want to care I really (really) do….
Sorry
BOILERMAKERS 28-17
Colorado State at Colorado
This is “The” game in the Rocky Mountains this weekend
It’s for bragging rights
No upset this time around
BUFFALOS 34-21
Oklahoma State at Oregon State
If you are a big fan of massacres then you should really enjoy this game
COWBOY UP! 138-3
Saturday 31 August
Florida Atlantic at Ohio State
Many of you have asked…..
“Why did a Powerhouse like Ohio State open with Florida Atlantic?”
The answer is simple….
Because St. Jude’s Hospital doesn’t have a football team
BLACK EYES 274-3
Montana at South Dakota
This is a cross state rivalry that is bitter……
It’s going to set the tone for the entire season
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-31
Campbell at Troy
I can’t in good conscience pull for any team called the “Fighting Camels”
It’s a middle east thing, sorry….
MEN OF TROY 43-10
Virginia Military Institute at Marshall
Let’s be honest here, VMI hasn’t been a force to be reckoned with since 1864…
There I said it
WE ARE MARSHALL 49-10
Northern Iowa at Iowa State
If you have read this far in the article…
Then you are probably suffering from a sugar buzz
Thank you cupcakes
CYCLONES 43-21
South Alabama at Nebraska
(SEE ABOVE)
CORNHUSKERS 41-10
Akron at Illinois
This game will be like watching two old people fight at the nursing home…
At first it’s kind of funny, then it’s just sad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 3-2
Indiana at Ball State
Why?
WHO’S YOUR DADDY 6-3
Howard at Maryland
Yawn…..
FIGHTING MULTI-COLORED TURTLES 151-3
Indiana State at Kansas
Outside of Coach Les Miles, Nobody Cares
JAYHAWKS 7-6
Toledo at Kentucky
I went through Toledo once…..
It smelled like stale cat urine and wet pancakes
Sorry for the visual
WILDCATS 41-10
Ole Miss at Memphis
This has become some sort of cross state rivalry that nobody cares about.
LAND SAND FOAM RUBBER BLACK BEAR REBELS 9-6
Mississippi State at Louisiana Lafayette
The Bulldog’s should have had their tooters play this one…..
BULLY DOGS 44-17
Eastern Carolina at North Carolina State
I guess this is some rivalry on Tobacco Road….
Yippee
WOLFPACK 28-21
James Madison at West Virginia
You might have believed there were no “Upsets” this weekend….
You would be wrong
DUKES 27-24
Rhode Island at Ohio
Rhode Island isn’t an island it’s an isthmus
Damn Liars
FRANK’S CATS 34-0
Eastern Washington at Washington
Really?
HUSKIES 41-17
Duke at Alabama
The Coach of the Blue Devils and their players have talked crap for weeks….
Time to pay up
CRIMSON TIDE 44-17
Idaho at Penn State
Seriously…..
That’s all you got Lions….
Lord….
NITTANY LIONS 183-3
Colgate at Air Force
Three out of four dentist think Colgate is going to get its ass kicked
FALCONS 38-10
Holy Cross at Navy
I am still watching Alabama and Duke, sorry….
MIDSHIPMEN 34-10
South Carolina at North Carolina
Finally a game that matters….
It matters a lot actually
GAMECOCKS 24-21
Georgia State at Tennessee
Finally Tennessee can defeat a team from Georgia….
Yippppppppe!
VOWELS 425-3
East Tennessee State at Appalachian State
This game will be a slug feast, believe it
MOUNTAINEERS 31-28
Northwestern at Stanford
Big Ten (Whatever the number actually is…) and the PAC 12….
In case you were wondering….
Macaroni Art is on the Food Channel
Just saying
CARDINAL 6-5
Presbyterian at Arkansas
Be happy it’s not North Texas coming to Fayetteville….
RAZORBACKS 103-6
Virginia Tech at Boston College
I can remember when this was a “Big” game…..
It’s been a while
HOKIE POKIE 28-24
Syracuse at Liberty
These week one games are just horrible….
There I said it
URANGE PEOPLE 144-3
California Davis at California
(SEE ABOVE)
DA BEARS 3-2
Alcorn State at Southern Miss
Two great programs in the Magnolia State square off…..
I am all about Hattiesburg (They got mad barbeque)
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-17
Southern Methodist at Arkansas State
My heart is with the Red Wolves, but it’s the Mighty Mustangs….
It’s a toss up
RED WOLVES 31-28
Boise State at Florida State
These games are ridiculous….
SEMI COLONS 34-31
Nichols State at Kansas State
What the hell? The Taxidermy College of Odessa was busy this weekend?
WILDCATS 41-10
Stephen F. Austin at Baylor
Just FYI…..
When on Baylor’s campus please carry personal protection in the form of a handgun
And avoid football player rape parties (You are Welcome)
VAPE BEARS 33-28
Georgia at Vanderbilt
Well at least it’s a conference game…
SMART DAWGS 34-17
Middle Tennessee State at Michigan
Those Big Ten (Whatever) teams really play some tough openers….
Next week, Michigan plays the Mannequin Leg College of Paducah Kentucky.
WOLVERINES 92-10
Oregon and Auburn
Let the hate mail flow…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 34-31
Miami (OHIO) at Iowa
The best part of this game?
The pause between the first and second quarters when the players and fans stop….
And wave at the kids across the street at the Children’s Hospital watching from the windows, It’s a Beautiful thing….
HAWKEYES 34-17
Missouri at Wyoming
I was going to do a Cat and Cowboy joke here, but thought better of it….
Why did we hire a censor at The CFB Wizard anyway?
MO CATS 44-17
Virginia at Pittsburgh
This should be a really good game……
Unfortunately I won’t be watching it
Sorry
PEOPLE ON HORSES 24-17
Louisiana Tech at Texas
This is the best opener Texas could come up with?
Are you serious?
LONGHORNS 44-10
Arkansas Pine Bluff at Texas Christian
(SEE ABOVE and Substitute Horned Frogs)
HORNED FRUGS 323-3
New Mexico State at Washington State
Say what you will, I love Coach Mike Leach
MIKE’S CATS 41-17
Fresno State at Southern California
(Hey Dumbass California, see Texas above)
TROJANS 41-28
Sunday 1 September
Houston at Oklahoma
Roll Hurts Roll
(There I said it)
BOOMER SOONERS 44-24
Monday 2 September
Notre Dame at Louisville
Be prepared…..
The Irish win and declare themselves National Co-Champions with Central Florida
FERRTING IRRRISSISHHHH 41-28
Next Week….
Your Weekly Pick’s will return to their normally scheduled Thursday’s next week with not only the Picks, but also more of College Football 101 and more of your email questions too.
So Stay Tuned….
One More Thing….
Thank you for your patience as “Doc” the World Famous Black Lab and I get settled, it’s been a long hard road to get here today and we appreciate you all riding along with us.
Be good to one another this week and enjoy your games…
But if you have any questions…
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD