Ladies and Gentlemen –
I must start this edition of the 2019 College Football Preseason Extravaganza by thanking you for your patience. As you may have read in the last article posted here I am recovering from my attempt at qualifying for the 2020 Olympic Games in “Break Dancing.”
EDITORS NOTE: I know, you don’t have to keep reminding me.
That aside, we have a lot to cover this week before the season begins
So, buckle your chin straps…..
It’s almost time for kickoff
Enjoy….
A CFB WIZARD PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Before we get into the 2019 college football season, I would like to issue a brief Public Service Announcement (PSA) for those in attendance.
Let’s say “Hypothetically” that you rent an SUV for a trip to say, Atlanta Georgia for a speaking engagement for a hypothetical upcoming book. Let’s say that you are driving (hypothetically) a 2019 Chevrolet Suburban, hypothetically.
You may (or may not) be aware that the “new” and improved vehicles of today have a host of “warning” devices within the automobiles computer system that is more complicated than NASA’s first Apollo mission.
EDITORS NOTE: Thanks a lot millennial’s….Jackasses.
One of those said devices will vibrate your seat when vehicles are close to you and it will also cause your steering wheel to almost lock itself into the direction you were traveling.
EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” I am serious…
I don’t know how many of you have ever driven through Atlanta but it closely resembles NASCAR’s last two laps at the Talladega 500.
Needless to say the car seat electrocuted my buttocks for 45 minutes with some annoying voice from God knows where reminding me “vehicles are close to you!”.
It certainly didn’t help when I started pressing several buttons on the consol and somehow changed the damn car voice and now it was shouting to me in Spanish.
EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record….
I found the Spanish voice shouting “pay attention you dumbass gringo” personally offensive.
So as “Doc” the World Famous Black Lab giggles at me setting on an ice pack to revive the nerves in my buttocks, I wanted to not only warn you of this potential danger, but thank you all for riding along (“No” electrocution’s involved I promise) for yet another college football season.
BREAKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
NEBRASKA: Most of you are aware of the torment that Nebraska’s beloved sideline mascot Lil’ Red has endured for many years.
Many of you have followed his plight and suffered along with him as he sought the identity of his “Real” father. After repeated appeals on Facebook and other social media platforms, Lil’ Red’s quest is finally over.
Following several paternity test’s it has been determined that Shoney’s Big Boy is the biological father of Lil’ Red.
On a recent taping of Maury, Shoney’s Big Boy admits to a brief, but romantic tryst many years ago with the Dairy Queen during a separation with Burger King.
The CFB Wizard will have pictures of the upcoming reunion at the Nebraska Cornhuskers home game with the West Texas Hair Extension Salon and Beauty College.
OHIO STATE: Buckeye fans around the world are asking Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator “What” is former Buckeye Coach Urban Meyer doing or better yet, “How” is he doing?
I am happy to report that Coach Meyer is doing quite well.
His commercial appeal in the Buckeye state has not diminished with his most recent retirement as he has filmed a number of upcoming endorsements for such aliments as Jock Itch and several others with known hot dog vendors.
On another note former Buckeye assistant coach and known wife beater Zack Smith, has cashed in on his spousal abuse fame by endorsing “Beat a Batch Cookie Dough.”
EDITORS NOTE: Classy, real classy…..
MICHIGAN: Recently Coach Jim at Michigan took yet another swipe at former Buckeye Coach Urban Meyer but was slightly derailed in his tirade when he was asked, “IF” he thought he looked like a pedophile with the pulled down ball cap and the creepy glasses that he wears.
Coach Jim looked momentarily bewildered then said…..
“Don’t listen to those kids screaming in my basement, they are all liars”
GEORGIA: I understand the need for catchy phrases and anthems going into an upcoming college football season. It motivates the coaches, players and the faithful.
But I think this sends the wrong message….
So, is it about Dog do-do or more Dog do-do, I’m confused
OLE MISS: In an effort to include their myriad of “mascots” into the upcoming season, last week the Athletic Department announced that this season they will be known as:
“The Johnny Foam Rubber Black Bear’s on Land and Sand Shark Rebels”
EDITORS NOTE: If you say that three times really fast you will develop a speech impediment.
KANSAS: During the Big 12 (Lite) Conference media days Coach Les Miles wore his National Championship ring from the LSU Tiger’s Championship season.
Coach Miles talked about building a championship team, all the while flashing his Championship ring for the media and the sparse crowd in attendance.
KANSAS STATE: Coach Chris Klieman in his first year with the Wildcats was asked “Why” he didn’t wear his championship ring he received while coaching the North Dakota State Bison. Much like Coach Miles at Kansas had done the previous day.
“Well I have seven of them, and they are too heavy to wear at one time”
EDITORS NOTE: Ouch….
LSU: Anticipating a Championship season this year, Coach O of the Mighty Bayou Bengals didn’t hesitate to boast last week of his teams chances in the upcoming season.
“Shama Gooda Dangmara Tullla Bunnna Habada kubbnnna, Grow Tiggggas”
EDITORS NOTE: Well said Coach…
TENNESSEE: Excitement abounds on Rocky Top this week, as former Coach and current Volunteer Athletic Director Phil Fulmer enlisted his illegitimate son to inspire the Orange faithful to their well worn rallying cry.
CLEMSON: Meanwhile at Clemson…..
THE CFB WIZARD EMAIL OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Mr. College Football Wizard,
It has been brought to my attention, by many here in Texas, that you, among others, are amongst the throngs of misinformed people clamoring for our Longhorn football team to reinstitute the yearly rivalry game with the Texas A&M Aggies.
But, here are the facts of the matter.
First and foremost, nobody in Texas wants to see the Longhorns lose. I mean, I will be the first to admit that we have had a few sub-par seasons over the last 8 or 10 years.
But, fortunately, our less successful seasons have occurred since the Aggies left the conference. But, as you know, Texans are a proud people, and who could be proud of our beloved Longhorns if they lost to that Agricultural College? Nobody!
So, just sit back and let Coach Herman work his magic. And I will promise you, that as soon as we are at least consistently competitive and relevant in the Big 12 Conference race, we will resume this rivalry game…. That is “If” we get the lion’s share of the revenues of course…. And we play all games in Austin
Sincerely,
Chris Del Conte
Athletics Director
University of Texas
“Hock em Horns”
PS: How about that Longhorn Network!
A: Sir, I respect your honest letter (for a change) but in the Holy name of Coach Royal make the Longhorn Network stop, just stop. Seriously, it’s stupid and annoying.
A CFB WIZARD PREMIER VIDEO!
Ladies and gentlemen, college football fans and music lovers the world over….
I recognize that many of your teams stand the same chance of making the playoffs or a bowl game this year as I do of making a snowman in Miami this time of the year.
In honor of those that try this year and to respect the fans of those teams that working…
The Country Music Legend Sylacauga Ledbetter has released a new record and video to band the World Premier is right here on your favorite college football website.
Enjoy…..
Next week…..
You will have the first week picks of the 2019 college football season (Exciting I know…) and several other segments that you have come to know and enjoy.
So stay tuned, there is more to come….
Kickoff is right around the corner.
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD