College Football Picks Week 1

August 23, 2018
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Much like me, many of you are just getting over the excitement of the Sharknado movie Marathon last weekend and now we have the 2018 Kickoff to our Beloved College Football.

Can it possibly get any better than this you may be asking?

“Yes” my dear readers it can……

Because I know that you are all awaiting the most highly anticipated “First Pick” of the 2018 Season, with perhaps the biggest game ever to take place on opening weekend.

I am talking of course about…….

Duquesne and Massachusetts

And just for the record, you cannot say “Duquesne” without an appropriate amount of phlegm in the back of the throat to give it the guttural sound.

We have a lot to cover this week…..

So Let’s Get to It

Enjoy Your Picks…..

PREGAME WARMUP……..

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2018 College Football Season and Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is back for yet another season to guide you (The Beloved Fan) through the treacherous seasonal waters that are known as College Football.

No longer do you have to try and entertain yourselves with other “so called sports” and entertainment of no significance and no value; College Football is back.

You might be saying……

“Hey! There ARE other sports of value that I enjoy watching!”

Let’s be honest with one another here shall we?

Nobody and I mean nobody ever gave somebody the “finger” while driving to church the day after Argentina lost to Zimbabwe in soccer.

EDITORS NOTE: “IF” soccer was a “real” sport then Frenchmen couldn’t play it.

Same goes with baseball, any baseball game. Their “sport” lasts for eleven months and they still have to play seven games to determine a winner, really?

Don’t get me started on basketball.

“IF” in the event I wanted to see really really tall people that couldn’t spell cat if you spotted then the “C” and the “T” jump and run and do tricks then I would go see the Romanian Circus when it comes to town.

Hockey……

I am from the South and quite frankly we don’t have any interest in sports that begin with the word “Ice”.

I have even seen on ESPN recently, the “Cornhole Championships” televised

In case you were wondering……

I’ve seen the movie “Deliverance” and “NO” that isn’t a damn sport.

Just ask poor Ole Ned Beatty

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Hello and Greetings!

I was searching for a college football website and yours caught my left eye

(I am legally blind in my right eye)

I have a question for you that I am sure you can help me with.

Do you have any tailgating suggestions for someone like me who is a vegan, and doesn’t drink alcoholic beverages? Say for example a nice tomato carrot bisque covered with a Tuscan celery spice?

Thank you kind sir!

Reginald – Chicago, Illinois

A: Get away from me Cyclops you are clearly a damn communist.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

Do have any celebrity endorsements with U FITE Yet?

Thanks!

Billy – Charlotte, North Carolina

A: Funny you should ask Billy

Although she didn’t want to have any pictures taken without her makeup on, one of our staffers here at U FITE “sneaked” a picture of Wynonna Judd waiting for us to pick her up at the airport.

As you might imagine Wynonna will be modeling for the new Colorado Buffalo U FITE, as she is most proud to be the mascot of the fine university leading them onto the field before home games in Boulder.

This is “sneak” peak of Wynonna’s upcoming photo set promoting U FITE!

I know, she is such a tease….

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

Did you learn anything of note during the offseason that would give us fans some insight to the coming college football season?

GO DAWGS

Jimmy – Newnan, Georgia

A: I think the most important thing I learned this offseason is that apparently you cannot thaw out a frozen canned beer in the microwave without starting some sort of small fire.

I hope that helps

Q: STOP WITH THE URBAN MEYERE AND BUCKEYE COMMENTS!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARMED!

Anonymous – Columbus, Ohio

A: You are so right; I was “warmed” by your comments and inability to edit your email.

BREAKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

OHIO STATE: I understand promotions for upcoming games and “big” events, but the poster the Buckeyes put out for college game day against Oregon State is in bad taste.

How dare you ruin hotdogs for college game day…..

LSU: Meanwhile in Baton Rouge……

OHIO STATE PART II: The crack reporters here at the CFB Wizard have discovered that former Buckeye Assistant Coach Zach Smith was also recently terminated from his new job with the Hallmark Card Company in Cleveland Ohio.

Mr Smith was asked to submit his recommendation for a card celebrating a “new” arrival.

This is what he wrote….

“Roses are Red and Violets are Blue, I know you are pregnant…..

I want to choke the Sh%$ out of you”

And just like Coach Urban Meyer, the Hallmark Company gave Zach Smith yet another chance and this was his submission:

“Roses are Red and Violets are Blue…..

I have a knife, now get in the van”

TEXAS: In preparation for the upcoming Longhorns 6 and 6 season; the Longhorn Network will devote 72 straight hours of coverage consisting of former Coach Mack Brown talking about a variety of topics on their 2006 Championship season.

DR. PEPPER: Many of you already know that Dr. Pepper didn’t renew the contract for Larry Pepper and his commercials for college game day, assuming that add campaign was simply too successful.

Now due to some jackass in advertising this is what we get for college game day….

“Fanville”

EDITORS NOTE:
Kill me now….

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH THE CFB WIZARD

As a noted College Football Prognosticator, best selling author and Southern Humorist I often get requests to do a variety of interviews and prior to its publication next month I included “Seven Questions with The CFB Wizard” conducted by the International Sports Information Source.

ISIS: Thank you so much for taking the time to be with us via the phone today, how are you Mister CFB Wizard?

ME: As a Marine I am uncomfortable doing an interview with an organization whose initials are “ISIS”.

ISIS: You certainly are a character and quite engaging, have you ever been on television?

ME: Not since I took those hostages

ISIS:
Let’s get back on track here; How many games do you “pick” a year?

ME: Over a thousand games a year with an 80% success rate, which is a better success rate than any medical doctor I have seen the past few years.

ISIS: You have been at this Prognostication of College Football games for some time now haven’t you?

ME: Some people would say I have been doing it for “Too Long”, but yes, I have for a number of years.

ISIS: Your book “Sunnyside Up” nearly broke the New York Times best seller list; to what do you attribute the success of your book?

ME: I didn’t have any pictures of me in the book, no sense in scaring the kids.

ISIS: So what’s next for you?

ME: As Always I will continue as the Fans Favorite College Football Prognosticator and I have another book that will be out in the spring of 2019 and I will continue to pray for those that hate me and believe you me, there is no shortage of those folks around here.

ISIS:. Speaking of Hate, you get a lot of hate mail from a variety of communities across the country; do you consider yourself to be a racist or xenophobic?

ME: I have never seen a full episode of Xenia the Warrior Princess so I am not sure what there is to be afraid of there. I used to be a 100 yard dash man so I was a bit of a racist but now I am more of a middle distance guy since my knee has been acting up and I haven’t raced in a while.

ISIS: That’s not what I meant…..

ME: I’ve got to go, “Doc” has to go outside for a security check and pee break, but thanks for calling.

THE GAMES

Saturday, 25 August

Duquesne at Massachusetts
This is it folks, the marquee game that we have all been waiting for….
The Dukes and the Minutemen (Or Minute – Persons if you prefer)
With a game like this to open the season, I don’t know why I bother to pick any other games, because it doesn’t get any bigger (or better) than this…..
My Pick for this clash of the Titans?
MINUTEMAIDS 24-21

Prairie View at Rice
I’ve seen the view from the prairie and to tell you the truth….
It’s not all that great
RICE CAKES 41-17

Hawaii at Colorado State
I don’t know about you, but I will be emotionally spent after watching Maine and Duquesne to pay attention to this game.
RAM TOUGH 38-24

Wyoming at New Mexico State
I was going to watch this game but my decoupage class meets at three o’clock
Sorry…..
COWBOY UP 38-34

North Carolina A&T at Jacksonville State
I have nothing but trouble with AT&T, so “NO” I am not picking those jackasses
GAMECOCKS 41-21

Thursday 30 August

Delta State at Tarleton
It’s that time of the year again to once again…..
FEAR THE OKRA 33-20

Ouachita Baptist at Northwestern Oklahoma State
My pick is more of a denominational thing……
We Baptist have to stick together
GOTCHA BAPTIST 41-38

Arkansas Monticello at Southwestern Oklahoma
How many Rand McNally Colleges do they have in Oklahoma anyway?
BO’S WEVILLS 33-31

Carson Newman at West Florida
I am confused here……
Isn’t “West” Florida the Gulf of Mexico?
Just asking
EAGLES 34-28

Central Florida at Connecticut
The Golden Knights get the opportunity to defend that Championship they didn’t win.
O SOOOOO VERY GOLDEN KNIGHTS 41-28

New Mexico State at Minnesota
Wait, didn’t we just have a game with New Mexico State against Wyoming?
Whoever does their scheduling needs their ass kicked
THE GOLDEN OF ALL GOPHERS 44-10

Northwestern at Purdue
YES! We Open the Big Ten (Whatever the number actually is,,,) Schedule with what?
A Rivalry Game!
This matchup is played for the coveted “Anteater Trophy” which as we all know was named for the striking resemblance the insect eating beast has with both teams cheerleaders.
WILDCATS 33-31

Wake Forest at Tulane
“Doc” the Black Lab and I will be playing a spirited game of battleship at this time.
Sorry……
DEMON DEACONS 14-13

Missouri State at Oklahoma State
This game will be uglier than Kenny Rogers last facelift….
COWBOYS! 156-0

Weber State at Utah
I applaud the Grill and Smoker College for playing such a game, but I thought Notre Dame scheduled them this week?
TWO UTES 44-10

Northwestern State at Texas A&M
Coach Jimbo opens the Aggies Season with a delicious cupcake…..
GIG EM AGGIES 66-10

Western Illinois at Montana State
I hate to go against the Leathernecks, but this game is in Big Sky Country
BOBCATS 38-21

Tennessee Tech at Chattanooga
I am sure this is some sort of a rivalry game in Hillbilly Country,
I just don’t care
MIGHTY MOCS 41-21

Friday 31 August

Syracuse at Western Michigan
I was going to say something about how exciting this game was…..
But I got nothing
Sorry
URANGE PEOPLE 33-17

Monmouth at Eastern Michigan
You may be asking “Why a college is named for a prehistoric wooly mammoth?”
Have you seen their girl’s softball team?
Enough said….
EAGLES 51-10

Utah State at Michigan State
If you are a fan of massacres then you will enjoy this game
SPARTANS 121-3

Army at Duke
I cannot believe I am making this pick……
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 34-24

Western Kentucky at Wisconsin
These Badgers are for real, remember you read it here first
BADGERS 44-17

Colorado at Colorado State
“The Rock Mountain Showdown” played for the “Centennial Cup”
Nothing says college football is here like a big dose of hate to get things started.
BUFFALOS 38-34

Saturday 1 September

Incarnate Word at New Mexico
I cannot stand snooty people……
“O’ Look at us we have the Incarnate Word!”
Shut up, you aren’t the only one’s smartass
LOBO’S 44-10

Oregon State at Ohio State
There are SOOOOO Many jokes I could make about the Beavers and the Buckeyes…
But I will behave myself
Just FYI any Buckeye fan with a wife beater shirt gets half-off his game day ticket.
Sorry I couldn’t help myself
BLACKEYES 41-17

Kent Sate at Illinois
I really don’t care and neither should you….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 6-3

Texas State at Rutgers
It’s time for “Doc” the Black Lab and I to take our Power Nap, so sorry…..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 7-6

Texas at Maryland
No Coach, No Team, No Nothing Pick Here…….
LONGHORNS 34-17

Coastal Carolina at South Carolina
The Big Game awaits the Gamecocks next week……
This is just a warm up
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Ole Miss at Texas Tech
Believe it or not……
I am going “UPSET SPECIAL” on this one……
FOAM RUBBER REBEL SHARKS 33-31

Florida Atlantic at Oklahoma
Welcome to Oklahoma, Here is your check, there is the buffet table and as soon as you are done we are going to kick your ass between your shoulder blades.
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 61-21

Southern at Texas Christian
Southern can’t get South fast enough before they get the hell beaten out of them.
HORNED FROGS 55-10

James Madison at North Carolina State
Don’t be surprised if the Duke Boy’s don’t pull an Upset here…..
I won’t be
WOLFPACK 33-31

Houston at Rice
The Battle for the Bayou Bucket is always a tussle….
Even if you are watching it Bayou self
COUGARS 38-28

Furman at Clemson
Before the Furry Men hear “O say can you see….”
They will be two touchdowns behind
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Alcorn State at Georgia Tech
IF it’s true that “The Alcorn doesn’t fall from the tree….”
Then what in the hell are they doing in Atlanta?
YELLOWJACKETS 41-17

Massachusetts at Boston College
I am assuming that this is some sort of “Rivalry Game” in Bean Town…..
I just don’t care
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-17

Stony Brook at Air Force
This game was over before they scheduled it……
MIGHTY FALCONS 45-10

Howard at Ohio
I know what you are thinking so I will say it for you….
Howard is a dumbass for scheduling this game
FRANK’S CATS 41-10

Albany at Pittsburgh
I have been to Albany New York once…
That place smells like a cats litter box that needed to be changed last week
Just saying…..
PANTHERS 44-0

Appalachian State at Penn State
No “Upset Special” here……
It’s Penn State not Michigan
Sorry
NITTANY LIONS 34-17

Marshall at Miami (OH)
Three words for you……
WE ARE MARSHALL
THUNDERING HERD 33-28

Austin Peay at Georgia
Bulldog fans please be warned in advance….
Your “commentator” for this game will be Howling Beth Mowins….
My recommendation is to hit the “mute” button sooner than later…
SMART DAWGS 44-10

Central Michigan at Kentucky
I wish I could make this game sound or read exhilarating….
But I can’t
BLUE CATS 41-14

Washington and Auburn
Everybody (And I do mean Every Body) is Picking the Huskies…..
Everybody except for me that is….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-21

Tennessee and West Virginia
No one is giving Poor Ole Tennessee a Chance in this one……
“UPSET SPECIAL”
VOWELS 31-28

Northern Illinois at Iowa
The best part of this game is waving at the kids in the Children’s Hospital across from the stadium between the first and second quarters and if that doesn’t warm your heart, then I got nothing for you.
HAWKEYES 34-17

Washington State at Wyoming
Mike the Pirate invades Casper…..
Sounds like the title of a kids Disney movie
PIRATE COUGARS 38-17

North Carolina at California
I really don’t care……
GOLDEN BEARS OF GOLD 3-2

Nevada Las Vegas at Southern California
O Yeah this one will be close……
TROJANS 149-2

Tennessee Martin at Missouri
(See the above description of UNLV and Southern Cal)
MO’S TIGERS 212-3

Eastern Illinois at Arkansas
New Coach Chad Morris and the Mighty Hogs get their first win of the season…..
More to come, wait and see….
HAWGS 41-10

Elon at South Florida
I wish I had some good news here for Little E, but I don’t
That’s…..
NO BULL 44-10

Richmond at Virginia
Let’s face it…..
Some of these games are down right boring and impossible to hype
But it’s my job to make this an enjoyable experience
So regardless of the boring game before you, do you know what a fun word is to say?
“Chimichanga”
That’s fun to say even when you are alone….
CAVALIERS 44-17

Boise State at Troy
Straight up, NO Upset Here…..
MEN OF TROY 34-31

South Carolina State at Georgia Southern
This is going to be a tussle between cross state neighbors…..
Hang On…..
SOUTHERN EAGLES 28-24

Louisiana Tech at South Alabama
I will tell you another fun word to say that just came to mind….
“Tupelo”
As in I went to “Tupelo” and got a “Chimichanga”
(I have to get out more, I really do)
JAGUARS 28-27

Jackson State at Southern Miss
I do love the Tigers and the Home of the late Great Walter Payton….
But this is Hattiesburg baby
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-21

Cincinnati at UCLA
I went to “Tupelo” and got a “Chimichanga” while playing the “Accordion”
I know, I know, I have issues don’t remind me)
BRUIN BEARS 44-24

Indiana at Florida International
I know I have said this for years……
But, what’s so “International” about this particular “Florida”?
Here is my rule….
“IF” you don’t have a Waffle House, then you got nothing.
Conversation over
HOOTERS 3-2

Nicholls at Kansas
The only reason the Jayhawks are playing Nicholls this week is because they couldn’t find a college named Half a Cent.
JAYHAWKS 5-3

South Dakota at Kansas State
At this point I am convinced that Coach Bill Snyder is a cyborg robot and will coach forever and ever and ever.
BILL’S CATS 33-21

Michigan at Notre Dame
Call me crazy if you want too……
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from mental health professionals
WOLVERINES 28-24

Charleston Southern at Florida
This game is going to get out of hand quicker than Bill Clinton at an interns convention
MIGHTY GATORS 51-10

Stephen F. Austin at Mississippi State
I have sneaking suspicion that the Bully Dogs are going to light the scoreboard up in this game in a big way.
JOE DOGS 55-21

Middle Tennessee State at Vanderbilt
I don’t know if this is “The Battle of I-65” or exactly what, but I know the Commodores sang “Brickhouse.” Totally unrelated I understand, but worth mentioning nonetheless.
COMMODORES 38-34

Southern Methodist at North Texas
I don’t ask for all that much…….
Please Ponies, just this one time. Pleaseeeeeeeee
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-31

Akron at Nebraska
The Once Proud Cornhuskers are back, believe it….
FROSTY HUSKERS 38-17

Louisville and Alabama
This game is going to be close, really (really) close…
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 28-24

Abilene Christian at Baylor
I hope Abilene utilizes the “Buddy System” and doesn’t wander the Baylor campus alone
They like their raping at Baylor…
Too soon?
DA BEARS 41-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
Last month my farm was hit by a tornado, coincidence?
I say “Omen”
CYCLONES 34-24

Bowling Green at Oregon
This is the absolute best game on at midnight Central Standard Time.
QUACKERS 4-3

Texas San Antonio at Arizona State
The only good news I have for the folks in San Antonio is….
“Remember the Alamo”
SUNNY DEVILS 44-24

Brigham Young at Arizona
I am going to miss Coach Rich Rodriguez ever expanding hair plugs……
Fortunately we always have Jimbo Fisher
WILDCATS 34-31

Navy at Hawaii
The United States Navy has a sizeable base in Hawaii…..
Enough said….
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 38-21

Citadel at Wofford
“Doc” the Black Lab is torn in this game….
On one hand “Wofford” sounds like a low bark….
But the other teams mascot is a bulldog.
What do you say Doc Man?
BULLDOGS 33-31

Southwest Baptist at Houston Baptist
There will be a whole lot of Baptism going on in this game…..
COWTOWN BAPTIST 28-24

Northern Iowa at Montana
O’ To be in Bog Sky Country for the opening weekend of College Football…
Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-24

North Alabama at Southern Utah
Although I am uncomfortable with this particular pick I am under some obligation to pick most anything “Alabama” due to some contractual understanding and constraints.
MIGHTY LIONS 33-28

California Poly at North Dakota State
The Bison’s are on their way to yet another National Championship and it begins now….
In the Fargo Dome…
MIGHTY BISONS 41-24

Sunday 2 September

Miami and LSU
NO GEAUX TIGERS
HURRICANES 34-17

Monday 3 September

Virginia Tech at Florida State
I wouldn’t necessarily call this game an “Upset” unless you are a Seminoles fan
FIGHTING TURKEYS 28-26

Next Week……

Your Week 2 College Football Picks will be on the wire next (next)Thursday as you have come to expect along with a few surprises and interviews with noted guests.

So Stay Tuned…

One More Thing…..

I hope to have a “new” story on Mikerights.com this week for you and if I haven’t mentioned it in a while, thank you all for riding along with “Doc” the Black Lab and I for another College Football Season.

We appreciate it

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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