Preseason College Football Extravaganza Part III

August 16, 2018
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I apologize for the odd timing of today’s last installment of the 2018 College Football Preseason Extravaganza. You see “Doc” the Black Lab and I have switched “Twister Thursdays” to Wednesdays and after a protracted game of Twister last night that went into overtime I might add, I decided to ice my injured ankle and wrist while finishing today’s installment earlier than usual.

I feel you judging me, so stop.

Enjoy…….

PRESEASON EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear College Football Wizard,

There were reports a few days ago that I was the source for Mr. Brett McMurphy’s scandelous and salacious, yet highly accurate, article on Ohio State Football Coach Urban Myer and one of his assistants, Zach Smith.

Look, I in NO way had any face to face meetings with this responsible author who has the highest integrity. Look, Urban was my friend. He was a dear, dear friend…

And, I mean, up until a couple of years ago, he had my utmost respect. So, no, I would never intentionally seek out and have a direct face to face meeting with a reporter about Coach Meyer’s failings as a coach and the discipline of his young players. I would never have face to face interaction with a reporter on the heinous actions of one of his assistants. Because, well, that’s what cell phones are for.

Tom Herman
University of Texas

A: Thank you for clearing that up Coach.

Q: Hey I have a quuerstion Football Wizaard.

Ok, I m a Notrre Dame students and Im Irish too, ok?

I think the mascot is a sterio typical of whatts wrong with Irish and it’s not coool man.

The mascot is like a figghting little dude in costumem which makes fun of our culture.

Ok sure right I got drunkked tonoite, so damn what it’s the begggijn of the school year ok?

Ok, ok I did get into a fight tonoite with thaatt Tony guy too tononnitte but he said something I forgettit but whatever ok.

I forgot where I was goooing with this

I have to throw up now

Shaun – Souths Bend , Indiana

A: Dear readers there is a lesson for all of us here……

DO NOT SEND ANY Emails, Tweets, or Texts when you are inebriated.

You are Welcome

Q: Hey Mister CFB Wizard!

I’m up here in Happy Valley and Penn State fans love your websites.

My sister lives in Philly and you are cordially invited to go with us to see the Eagles play anytime you choose this fall.

Keep up the good work man!

Billy B – Happy Valley, Pennsylvania

A: Thank you for the wonderful email Billy.

I would take you up on the offer but, I cannot in good conscience watch the Eagles play without Joe Walsh and Glen Frey, it just wouldn’t be the same.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

We have all enjoyed your book “Sunnyside Up” and certainly both websites and as our “Thanks” we would like to send you a calendar of my wife’s photography.

She takes a variety of pictures of her schnauzer “Chewy” and has immortalized her beloved schnauzer on a calendar.

May we have your address so that we may send you this wonderful gift of our appreciation?

The Delany Family – Wooster, Ohio

A: I am glad that you and your family enjoyed my book and both websites…..

However, I am not interested in seeing pictures of your wife’s schnauzer.

That’s disgusting.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

OLE MISS: From the here we go again file……

Once again the Ole Miss Rebels have “changed”’ their mascot…..

Let’s recap quickly shall we?

There was Colonel Rebel who was deemed racist presumably because he looked like Colonel Sanders of fried chicken fame.

Then there was the “Rebel Black Bear” that was deemed racist due to complaints by obese black women with unsightly back and leg hair.

Now we have “Tony the Land Shark”

This makes perfect sense due to the large packs of sharks that are found in Oxford Mississippi hundreds of miles from the nearest coastline.

However, I am not quite sure what makes Tony the Land Shark a “Rebel”, perhaps he doesn’t get along with other sharks, maybe Tony listens to alternative music or is even a vegetarian.

More information to follow……

GEORGIA: Nothing says “Winner” quite like having a customized ambulance for college football game day and that’s exactly what the Bulldogs have done.

There is absolutely no ailment this highly technological marvel cannot treat, so “IF” (In the event) you have a health issue at a Georgia Football Home Game this fall, you can find this vehicle and it’s medical professionals outside Sanford Stadium on the University of Georgia’s Campus at the corner of 2nd and 26th street.

OHIO STATE: I know, I know

It’s WAY too early in the college football season for awards, But…..

The “winner” of this weeks “Sergeant Shultz Award” from noted Hogan’s Hero’s sitcom fame or as it’s known at The CFB Wizard Headquarters as the “I know Nothing!” Award

Goes to Buckeye Coach Urban Meyer for his constant denials of former Assistant Coach Zack Smith’s domestic violence charges despite hiring him, working with him twelve hours a day, texting him and his wife, getting calls from various police departments etc.

Congratulations Coach!

MICHIGAN: You fans of the Maze and Blue are in for a treat this week…..

Not only has the prototype for the Wolverine U FITE been finalized….

(Details to follow)

BUT!

The crack team of scientist and inventors here at U FITE Headquarters have also taken your emails to heart and designed the latest and dare I say greatest invention to combat the crisis all Michigan Men are suffering from today.

Man Boobs

Michigan Men everywhere no longer have to suffer with the embarrassment of Flapjack Man Boob Syndrome (FMBS) with the invention from the U FITE Laboratories

THE MICHIGAN HAR-BRA

EDITORS NOTE: We here at U FITE want to thank Wolverine Coach Jim Harbaugh for not only endorsing this amazing product, but volunteering to be our first model for the product as well.

NOTRE DAME: Don’t think U FITE has forgotten you loyal and energetic Irish Fans!

The prototype for the Fighting Irish U FITE is on the Way!

It comes with a push button audio recording that shouts “NO means NO!”

This can be utilized whenever Father McFeely asks to set in your lap on the U FITE.

It also comes with a Rape Whistle and a Pacifier the later can be used on those dark days of losing to Louisville, Clemson and Florida State.

However it is worth noting here, so there is no confusion for Irish Fans….

That the Rape Whistle and the pacifier cannot be used simultaneously

PAC 12 CONFERENCE: Nobody cares, never mind…..

Meanwhile at the University of Texas at Autism……

In an effort to have fair and honest reporting here at The CFB Wizard we wanted to include today’s exhilarating television schedule on The Longhorn Network.

0600 -0700: Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown takes us through his extensive collection of breakfast cereals and discusses what he ate the morning before the 2006 National Championship Game with Southern California.

0700-0730: “BEVO Wakes Up!” Is a new addition to the network to get every Longhorn fan up and ready for the day! The program will detail the handlers of the Beloved Iconic University Mascot waking up the lumbering beast in his paddock with the southing sounds of noted jazz musician Kenny G.

0730-1330: The complete 2006 National Championship between Texas and Southern California shown in digital HD and in “Super Slow Motion” so you can’t miss a single exciting play of the game!

(Complete without commercial interruption)

1330-1500: Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown breaks down highlights of the 2006 National Championship game while sharing a large water bong with former Longhorn Great Ricky Williams.

1500-2100: The complete 2006 National Championship between Texas and Southern California shown in digital HD and in “Super Slow Motion” so you can’t miss a single exciting play of the game!

(Complete without commercial interruption)

2100-2400: Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown interviews himself in his bathroom mirror on his recollections of the 2006 National Championship Game.

2018 COLLEGE FOOTBALL PROGNOSTICATIONS

This time of the year there is nothing but water cooler talk between college football fans of “Who” is going to be Conference and National Champions and the discussions often times cause hurt feelings and worse yet arguments.

Although we disagree on a number of teams I believe we can find some common ground between all us who love college football, so with that being said, let’s all hold hands for a moment and agree that the following teams will NOT be in the Championship discussions this year, What do you say?

INDIANA: Nope, not a chance……

RUTGERS:
Not even close……

DUKE: You always have that other sport I don’t watch that you are good at.

VANDERBILT: You got the best SAT scores in the conference what more do you want?

KENTUCKY: Two words for you….Basket – Ball

BAYLOR: That whole “rape thingy” killed the Bear vibe….

TEXAS: Look on the bright side. You can still go to a bowl game with six wins.

MAINE: Too close to the Arctic Circle, so no.

HAWAII: I like “Dog the Bounty Hunter”, but the Warriors riding a Rainbow won’t be hunting any championships this year.

PAC 12 Conference:
“IF” your games are televised at midnight to three o’clock in the morning then guess what? Nobody is watching them

NEVADA:
They say, “What Happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”

Like losing most of your football games….

NOTRE DAME: Until they go back to scheduling such teams like they used too….

The Eastern Minnesota Moose Tanning and Taxidermy College

Bob’s Fertilizer and Manure Maintenance Academy

The Coast Guard Academy

Wang Tang’s Wok Palace and Culinary Emporium

Rhonda and Reggie’s Daycare in Hamilton, Ohio

(Those little cheerleaders are adorable!)

Then “NO”, not a chance, sorry…..

THE CFB WIZARD 2018 CHAMPIONSHIP PICKS


The BIG 12 (Lite) Conference……

Like them or hate them, the Oklahoma Sooners are the team to beat with the Mountaineers of West Virginia not too far behind.

The Sooners will be in the College Football Playoffs this year.

But they will not be undefeated

Believe it

The Atlantic Coast Conference…..

The Mighty Clemson Tigers will be the Conference Champions this year with the Miami Hurricanes as the other class of the Conference and they will meet for the Championship of the Conference once again (Same result)

And “Yes” my dear Clemson friends, the Tigers WILL be in the college football playoffs

The BIG TEN (Whatever the number is this week) Conference

Remember you read it here first……

Penn State and Wisconsin will meet for the Conference Championship this year and the Badgers will finally take home the crown and will be in the College Football Playoffs.

The PAC 12 Conference

The Washington Huskies are the class of the conference “but” if they slip against Auburn in the first game, be prepared for Stanford to win the conference with two loses and no invitation to the college football playoffs.

The Southeastern Conference

Let the healing waters of hate mail flow (I know it’s coming)

Auburn will win the Western Division of the Conference after suffering two loses and either Georgia or South Carolina will be in Atlanta for the Conference Championship.

The War Tiger Eagles (Whatever) of Auburn will surprise and win the Conference.

Why didn’t I mention the defending National Champions?

Because Alabama may very well struggle and stumble out of the gate with new personnel and new coaches, only time and the month of October will tell the tale.

Go ahead, hit “send” on the hate email, it’s nothing I’m not used too by now.

Next Week…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have your 2018 Week 1 College Football Picks on the website on Thursday next week along with a surprise guest or two.

So Stay Tuned…..

One More Thing…..

If you didn’t get a chance to read the article on Mikerights.com from last week entitled “Life at Clemson”, please do, you will be glad that you did.

One more week until kickoff……

Get ready

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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