Ladies and Gentlemen –
As you have come to expect from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator during this glorious time of year, I prepared a virtual cornucopia of delicacies to choose from in this years Thanksgiving Picks.
The menu this year has something to satisfy even the pickiest of holiday guests.
For those with a spicy palate we have Civil Wars, wrapped in Clean Old Fashioned Hate with an Apple Cup in a Milk Can and for those with a strong constitution we have an Egg Bowl that you can cut with Paul Bunyan’s Axe served in a decorative collection of Governor’s Cups and Commonwealth Cups or if you prefer an Old Oaken Bucket.
We have Battles for Palmetto’s, which we have sautéed to a fine salty hate along with a Hero’s Trophy’s, a Sunshine Showdown and a little something they like to call between Kansas State and Iowa State; “Farmageddon”, which by the way goes nicely with some aged cheese and pickles.
Then there is the one item on this year’s menu that is only for the strongest of hearts.
Beware dipping into the “Iron Bowl”, your heart may not be able to take it.
It’s Thanksgiving Weekend, and that mean’s rivalry week.
It’s time to be Thankful and get your Hate on…..
Enjoy…..
Weekend Rewind….
The CFB Wizard stumbled out of the gates last week, got up, fell again and missed on all (“Yes” I sad All) the Upset Specials, which I can only attest to the after affects of the gravy I made the week before.
EDITORS NOTE: “See Mikerights.com for the story a week a go for clarification”
Not one to use any excuses, unless they seem to fit the circumstances, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 42-14 or 75% last weekend which leaves me at 510-110 or 82% for the 2017 season.
In case you were wondering My Black Lab “Doc” has a better percentage on picking canine games and “yes” he never fails to remind me of that simple fact.
In preparation of “Iron Bowl Week”
My good friend from Birmingham, Alabama Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson has an abbreviated update this week that should get a giggle or two out of you from last week’s games.
I love this guy
Enjoy…..
THANKSGIVING SAFETY TIPS
Before we get into this week’s picks, it is incumbent upon me as a noted author, celebrity and renowned college football prognosticator to offer a few Thanksgiving Safety (Survival) Tips for you my beloved readers.
Why? Because I care
TRAVELING: “IF” in the event you and or your family are traveling to relatives this Thanksgiving, please remember two very important tips.
1. Prior to departure, prepare a “safe word” for you and your family, something that is distinct and unique that will catch your ear if spoken in conversation. Something like “Pineapple”, as in….”I made a pineapple upside down cake last week.” That is the queue to gather the family and leave with a predetermined excuse that was agreed upon before departing for the trip.
2. Always park in a location that makes for easy escape, never (ever) find yourself in a position to ask Cousin Paul to “move his truck” so that you can leave. Inevitably, Cousin Paul will back into your Buick and excuse it away with “I didn’t know you were parked that damn close.”
CONVERSATION: Before, during and after Thanksgiving dinner avoid unpleasant conversations, especially if they involve how GREAT someone else’s kids are doing in school, gymnastics and the like. This also includes avoiding topics on politics, and college football rivalries. One can navigate through the choppy waters of politics lightly and even smile when your cousin raves on and on about how WONDERFUL her daughter is, but a slight towards your college football team this weekend will invariably lead to hurt feelings, a bloody lip or two and vows of never to return.
In the event things begin to turn sour and the ship cannot be verbally corrected, please see “Safe Word” instructions above.
TURKEY FRYING: Frying a turkey is an art form all its own. You have to know exactly what you are doing, between the turkey, the heated oil and the temperature and the time.
I state the obvious because this Thanksgiving isn’t the time to have your crazy drunken Uncle Todd “attempt” to fry his first turkey on your new wooden porch that you had built this past summer.
It’s O.K. to say “No, Uncle Todd, we already have a plan for Thanksgiving.”
If you are worried about hurting his feelings keep this in mind, it’s better than having a three alarm fire on your back porch, while Uncle Todd waves his arms yelling,
“I don’t know what the hell happened! I was drinking my beer and then WOOOOSH”
EXPERIMENTS: The above leads us to this segment…
Thanksgiving is NO time for experiments, go with the tried and true recipes that you and your families have come to know, love and cherish.
When your elderly Aunt Edna comes to visit with yet another one of her ideas that she got either from the parade section of her local newspaper or from one of the geriatric members of her garden club, just say NO.
Remember last Thanksgiving when Aunt Edna made that “Ten Bean Chinese Surprise Casserole? Have you forgotten that already?
EDITORS NOTE: Ask any Korean War Veteran and they will tell you that any thing that has “Chinese Surprise” in the title isn’t going to be good.
Remember when you set the casserole on the floor and the dog took the dish outside and buried it under the azalea bushes?
I know what you are saying, Aunt Edna is getting along in years and you don’t want to hurt her feelings, I understand.
So give her a point of reference that she understands and deliver the message gently.
For example:
“Aunt Edna, this Thanksgiving we aren’t going to treat everyone like NASA’s Mercury Astronauts and make this weekend an experiment to see how much toilet paper we can go through, just relax and watch Wheel of Fortune.”
Speaking of toilet paper…..
Stock up before the guests arrive, you know your cousin has irritable bowel syndrome.
You are Welcome America
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
MICHIGAN: The face you make when Wisconsin scores…Again
GEORGIA DOME: This past week…..
The Georgia Dome was brought down…..
The venue hosted 23 Southeastern Conference Championships, Two Super Bowls and too many memories for sports fans to mention here.
Only twenty five years old it was replaced with the Mercedes Benz Dome
The fact our society is so hell bend on everything new and flashy makes me sad.
In the words of Forest Gump:
“That’s all I have to say about that”
FLORIDA: It’s time to make the call Gator Fans….
OHIO STATE: Apparently Coach Urban isn’t too damn bright…..
Last weekend he continued to dribble his well worn phrase referring to HIS college football team as “Elite Warriors.”
Let me slow this down coach so you and the Buckeye Nation can understand it….
What you do is coach preadolescent college student athletes, that haven’t sacrificed anything other than some sweat on the practice field. That’s it…..
In case you were wondering, this is a picture of an “Elite Warrior” that sacrificed his life for his teammates. Do you get the difference yet?
WISCONSIN: It has been brought to my attention by Badger Faithful that each and every time this season I have “Picked” against Wisconsin; they have defied the odds and won which in some small part has lead to their undefeated season.
I am glad I could do my part, you are welcome.
MONTANA: I will echo what my beloved Grizzly Fans have been saying all week….
You lost the Great Divide Trophy to Montana State: DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!
ST THOMAS (MN): The Division III “Tommies” of St. Thomas have outscored their opponents 144 to 8 in the last two games, “Yes” I said the last TWO games.
Just to put this in its proper context…..
That’s more points in two games than have been scored by Tennessee, Baylor, Kansas and Oregon State all season combined.
Maybe they could join the BIG 12 (Light) next year?
It’s a reasonable question…..
BRIGHAM YOUNG: You Mormons are playing like a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses
TEXAS: It was reported that “The Texas Bowl” wanted to invite the Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies to the bowl game.
Texas’s response…..
“That is unfavorable to us and we are looking at other bowl options”
EDITORS NOTE: When did Texas become so afraid of losing? You would have thought they would have gotten used to it by now.
OKLAHOMA STATE: Damn it Cowboys……Damn it.
COMMENTATORS: I read your emails, all of them……
I even read the ones that accuse me of shooting heroin and having unnatural relations with a variety of primates. But the majority of the emails I receive revolve around the lunacy, idiocy and illiterate “commentators” of college football.
For example:
Georgia was out physicalled last week.
Arkansas is out physicalling Miss State.
Why are you playing actioning when you can’t run.
He left the game with a boo boo on his foot, the report is he has a foot injury.
I think Miss State is trying to score to win this game
EDITORS NOTE: My recommendation for this frustration?
Hit the mute button….
HEISMAN TROPHY: Like him or hate him…..
Oklahoma’s Baker Mayfield is the best player in college football
RIVALS WEEK: It’s rivalry week…….
What does that mean?
It’s time to set across from your rival college football friends in church and don’t make eye contact while secretly praying the Lord will smite them and their team this weekend.
Don’t let your children play with their children this week, while explaining to your little tikes what “hate” really means and how you can “respect” someone while still hating them and how that can be controlled and harnessed during the year to be exhibited for one week out of the year,
Don’t let “that guy” over in traffic that has “that” damn flag flying from his car or the sticker that designates his allegiance, in fact while cutting him or her off, just smile and wave while cussing under your breath.
Late at night slip over to your neighbor’s house and dump all those leaves in his yard you have been raking up the last two weeks and if the urge strikes up, feel free to urinate on the leaves as well.
While watching your neighbor pull out of the driveway its acceptable to still wave, but mutter something nasty under your breath, like you want his bowels to discharge on the way to work.
Accept the fact that the muscles in your middle finger will twitch when you see anyone wearing your rival’s colors in a sweatshirt, polo or other apparel.
And for those well meaning people that say…..
“I don’t really care who wins the game”
Avoid them, teach your children to avoid them. They are worse than your rivals.
It’s time to get your Hate on…..
It is rivalry week
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Hey Jackass
This is the only email I have for you, because I don’t read your bull crap.
Did you let the air out of my tires after church on Sunday?
War Eagle
David
A: Wasn’t me Turd Wrangler
Roll Tide
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
I done went and got myself a problem!
My little woman (She ain’t all that little) done got a bee in her bonnet and told me last week to go and shoot a damn turkey for Thanksgiving, well I got tired of the nagging and that’s what I done this week.
I got my shotgun and went and shot me one and then I was arrested for something I don’t know what. I showed them my license and everything but they still hauled me off to jail!!
Now my wife is madder than a wet hen and I got court day after next Tuesday.
How was I too know you can’t shoot a damn turkey in the damn IGA Grocery!
What says you Mister Wizard?
Parnell – Crab Orchard, Tennessee
A: Yeah, those folks at IGA frown on discharging firearms in the frozen food section.
Q: Dear Mister Whatever your name is!
HOW dare you make fun of a mentally handicapped person last week!
That was deplorable and disgusting, how dare you!
Sincerely –
Melanie – Kansas City, Missouri
A: I apologize…..
I shouldn’t have posted a picture of Georgia’s Offensive Coordinator Jim Chaney.
Q: Dear Sir
My name is Hayward Hayes and I live in Columbus, Ohio.
You probably don’t know me but I bet you know my Granddaddy, Woody Hayes, the once great legendary coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes.
You know, lot’s has been said about my granddaddy not liking Michigan or the University of Michigan and things like that but it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Granddaddy Hayes used to visit us all the time and what many people don’t know or understand is that Granddaddy is that he had a slight speech impediment, it’s true.
So often his words and phrases were taken out of context from the people in Michigan just too either motivate the team or to shine a bad light on Granddaddy.
Take for example when Granddaddy would try and say “Michigan” often times it would sound like A@#Holes or Jackasses due to his speech impediment.
Once as a youngster I heard someone ask Granddaddy Hayes about playing in Ann Arbor Michigan that year and he was trying to stammer something about the lovely weather and the enthusiastic fans of Michigan, but due to his impediment it sounded like he said “SH&@Hole and Fart Sniffers while referring to the fans of Maze and Blue.
Although Granddaddy Hayes used the phrase “That team up North”, he was often misquoted as saying “Those Pieces of SH&% across the river”
I hope this clears up any misconceptions about my Granddaddy Hayes.
He was a kind and gentle man and a wonderful Granddaddy
Thank you
Hayward Hayes – Columbus, Ohio
A: That letter was quite illuminating as well as touching
Thank you sir
Q: Dear Jackass
Will you PLEASE stop poking fun of Wynonna Judd!
IT IS NOT FUNNY!
Ms G. W. Smith (President of the International Wynonna Judd Fan Club) – Nashville
A: Ms. Smith you have clearly misunderstood my articles. I wasn’t “poking fun” at Wynonna; I was celebrating her largeness while educating my readers on her rather pointed calcium deposits located atop her enormous cranium.
Also too the color combination of her painted hoofs for the last Colorado home game was not only fashionable but also very daring.
I hope that has cleared up any misunderstanding
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
My name is Ravenel Mazyck and I have a somewhat awkward problem I need your help with.
I am a proud graduate of the University of South Carolina and live in the D.C. area. Until recently, I had a very good job with a defense contractor with an extremely lucrative salary.
I say recently because I was just dismissed from my job for violating my company’s IT policy. I guess I should have been more cognizant of what I was doing but I failed to realize the inherent danger of doing Google searches on my alma mater’s football team.
Yes, every time I would do a search using their nickname, rather than their official name, I always ended up with literally HUNDREDS of hits for porn sites in the search results!!!
So, I know you’ve got tons of connections.
Do you think you could possibly help me find a job?
Ravenel Mazyck – Fredericksburg, Virginia
A: Well, look on the bright side….
At least you aren’t an Oregon State fan or it could have been worse.
THE GAMES
Tuesday 21 November
Bowling Green at Eastern Michigan
Two teams battling it out near the Arctic Circle…..
I bet they beat baby seals during halftime
EAGLES 34-31
Kent State at Akron
This rivalry game in Ohio is played for “The Wagon Wheel”
Somebody is going to get spoked in this one…
Just saying….
ZIPPERS 24-14
Thursday 23 November
Ole Miss at Mississippi State
There are few rivalries in all of college football, and in sports that are as vicious…
They call this “The Egg Bowl”
It is Brutal
BULLY DOGS 34-31
Friday 24 November
Miami at Pittsburgh
Welcome to Winter in the Burgh Hurricanes….
It’s going to be closer than you think
HURRICANES 28-24
Baylor at Texas Christian
Last week, in an effort to toughen their team up for the game….
The Bears of Baylor scrimmaged against three hamsters, a sock monkey dressed like Mr. T and a homeless guy with a prosthetic eye riding a Rascal Scooter.
The Bears lost by seventeen points……
Enough said
HORNED DOGS 41-10
Navy at Houston
It’s too close to the Army-Navy game to pick anything else…..
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 34-17
Ohio at Buffalo
This game reminds me I have to start marinating my chicken wings…..
FRANK’S CATS 33-17
Missouri at Arkansas
Call it what you want…..
I am calling the HAWGS!
RAZORBACKS 31-28
South Florida at Central Florida
I am sure this is some rivalry in South Florida, Like the War on I-4 or something….
But I am preparing my (Pre) Iron Bowl Tailgating….
Sorry…..
STRONGER BULLS 44-41
Texas State at Troy
Nothing says the “Day After” Thanksgiving like a good old fist fight…
MEN OF TROY 33-24
Iowa at Nebraska
I’m afraid the Children of the Corn have been Husked this year.
The “Hero’s Trophy” goes too….
HAWKEYES 31-10
Virginia Tech at Virginia
The Battle for the Commonwealth Cup
It’s Thanksgiving weekend so I’m not going against the Turkeys
It’s a rule
HOKEY POKEY 24-17
Texas Tech at Texas
In the Lone Star State they call this game “The Battle for the Chancellor’s Spurs”
O’ How I miss the Texas-Texas A&M game……
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-31
California at UCLA
I really don’t care……
GOLDEN BEARS of SOMETHING 3-2
Saturday 18 November
Kansas at Oklahoma State
The damn Jayhawks couldn’t play their way out of a paper sack…..
Even if it was wet…..
With a hole in the bottom of it….
Never mind, you get the picture
COWBOY UP! 56-3
Washington State at Washington
This bitter rivalry in the Northwest…….
Is called “The Apple Cup”
I’m going “Upset” On this one……
MIKE’S CATS 34-31
Michigan State at Rutgers
Nobody cares…….
Seriously
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 38-10
Northwestern at Illinois
This “rivalry” game is played for a trophy named after my next to last least favorite president as it is called “The Land of Lincoln Trophy” and they also get (Wait for it)
“The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
(As opposed to the dietary less caloric Sioux Tomahawk)
WILDCATS 3-2
Arizona at Arizona State
This rivalry game in the land of sand and sun and illegal aliens is called….
“The Duel in the Desert”
Queue the theme from your favorite spaghetti western….
RICH CATS 44-41
Berry at St. Thomas
After what St. Thomas has done the past two weeks to the opposition.
I’m going all….
TOMMY GUNS 47-10
Colorado at Utah
No Wynonna, No Buffalo win…..
Sorry…..
TWO UTES 34-17
Texas El Paso at Alabama Birmingham
If nothing else I am loyal…….
BAMA BLAZERS 31-10
Tulane at Southern Methodist
Open the corral (Not the Golden one, that’s were big people eat)…
Let the Ponies Run!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-28
Delta State at West Alabama
Ironically I am frying okra for Thanksgiving……
I don’t know where I was going with that one
FEAR THE OKRA 33-31
Georgia at Georgia Tech
This bitter rivalry is known simply as…….
“Clean old fashioned Hate”
Up until last week I was leaning “Upset”
No longer…..
SMART DAWGS 41-24
Ohio State at Michigan
This bitter affair in the Big Ten (or whatever the number is,,) Conference is called
“The Game”
And might I add…….
“Yeah, it used to be….”
BUCKEYES 34-10
East Carolina at Memphis
I just listened to Elvis sing “Blue Christmas”……
I see that as a sign…..
ELVIS’S TIGERS 38-17
Indiana at Purdue
The Big Ten (or Whatever…) rivalry game for ……
Wait for it……
“The Old Oaken Bucket”
I’m just giddy with excitement
HOOSIER DADDY 31-28
Florida State at Florida
“The Sunshine Showdown”
I believe in the power of the Swamp Thing
GATORS 28-24
Louisville at Kentucky
The Battle in the Bluegrass for the “Governor’s Cup”
People often ask me what I think about the “Bluegrass”
My typical response…….
I’ve never smoked Blue Grass
BLUE CATS 34-31
Boston College at Syracuse
I could care less, I am chewing my fingernails down to a nub watching the Iron Bowl
ORANGE GUYS 28-24
Duke at Wake Forest
(See above)
BLUE DEVILS (WHATEVER) 33-28
Southern Miss at Marshall
I hate to go against my Thundering Herd here……
But this is business….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-24
Alabama at Auburn
The Great Keith Jackson said…..
“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”
This “The Iron Bowl”
I am not saying that I am nervous…..
But I could thread a sewing machine while it was running
CRIMSON TIDE 31-30
Wisconsin at Minnesota
The game for “Paul Bunyan’s Ax”
Despite my earlier promise about picking against the Badgers in every game….
MEN OF CHEESE 38-10
Penn State at Maryland
It seems like ages ago that Maryland beat Texas……
NITTANY LIONS 41-10
North Carolina at North Carolina State
This Old rivalry on Tobacco Road is a bitter one…..
You know, bitter like a cheap cigar
WOLFPACK 33-21
Boise State at Fresno State
This rivalry game and yes it is a rivalry game….
Is played for the “Milk Can”
Which if I was going “Tit for Tat” I would say is “utterly” ridiculous.
(Before you ask, “Yes” I can make those jokes all day long)
BRONCO’S 33-28
Utah State at Air Force
I know, I know……
The Mighty Air Force has grounded my picks as of late…..
But I still believe
FALCONS 34-24
Iowa State at Kansas State
Queue the “danger” music……
You have heard about it……
You have read about it……
Be afraid……
It’s “Farmageddon”
CYCLONESSSSSSSSS 34-28
West Virginia at Oklahoma
Nope, not even close…..
Sorry……
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 41-24
Vanderbilt at Tennessee
In the State of Tennessee they call this rivalry game…..
“The Hillbilly Ho Down”
VOWELS 28-17
HILLBILLY HO’S DOWN: 121
Oregon State at Oregon
Simply put, it’s called…
“The Civil War”
Believe me there is nothing “civil” about this game
QUACKERS 44-17
Clemson at South Carolina
Few rivalries are as bitter and nasty as the “Palmetto Bowl”
It’s going to be close
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24
Texas A&M at LSU
It’s going to be close in Death Valley……..
Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-28
Notre Dame at Stanford
They call this rivalry game……..
The game for “The Legend’s Trophy”
Whatever…..
The Iron Bowl is still on….
FIGHTING IRISH
Next Week….
Unless Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is undergoing a liver transplant you dear readers will have Your Final Picks of the season out on Thursday next week.
You have a “New” story on Mikerights.com this week in time for The Holidays and the previous story may save you some embarrassment while cooking this Thanksgiving.
You are Welcome America
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing….
You will have another “New” story on Mikerights.com, next week that I hope will get a giggle or two out of you and get you over the Thanksgiving Blues. .
Thank you all once again for reading both websites and for purchasing my little book “Sunnyside Up”, it means a lot to me that you would spend your money on my book and that you enjoy it.
On behalf of both My Black Lab “Doc” and Myself; We greatly appreciate it.
Be good to yourself and to those around you this week and……
Enjoy your Thanksgiving
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD