Ladies and Gentlemen –
Much like the classic Charlie Brown Halloween television program….
My Halloween picks last week were less treat and more trick..
In fact I delivered several “rock” picks last week
To be fair…..
I think I had some bad Candy Corn…..
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it
Enjoy……
Weekend Rewind….
There is no point in rehashing my failures from last week’s picks…..
It was as if “hypnotically” I went to a Halloween Party dressed as a Ninja and due to some very (very) bad directions, I ended up at an annual dinner for the Chinese American Businessman’s Association.
I don’t really want to talk about it……
But I will say those guys don’t have a very good sense of humor.
That being said……
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator delivered a series of Halloween weekend “rocks” by going an uncharacteristic 40 and 12 or 77% for Week 9 of the college football season.
That leaves The CFB Wizard at 389 and 72 or 84% for the 2017 Season.
My good friend from Birmingham, Alabama Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson enjoyed Alabama’s bye weekend and will post an update next week.
In the meantime enjoy a brief video of how some Southeastern Conference fans enjoyed their Halloween.
Enjoy…..
HOOTIE SNITCH BIG ORANGE REPORT
Hey Everybody It’s The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Hootie Snitch!!!!!!!!
Coming to you from the home of Big Orange Football here in Baneberry Tennessee!
It’s been a while since I done been on here cause I’ve been in the musical show at Dollywood called “Who Let the Clogs Out!”
It’s kind of a big deal and I’m a dang clogging fool. Believe that!
Alright, here is where we is at and what I got to say about it.
You might remember me a interviewing coach Butch Jones last year and I tell you for a lesbian he’s a big ole gal. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happily married to my wife Thelma but I was a looking since coach Butch Jones wasn’t wearing no bra.
Anyways, I think it was awesome that Tennessee done went and got the first lesbian or thespian whatever they like to be called coach ever in the United damn States of America.
I think for a thespian he done a good job, but he might want to go back to coaching girls softball or something them people are good at, you know what I mean?
Now here is the good news….
Hold on to your Big Orange ball cap!
Peyton Damn Manning is a coming back to Rocky Top to Coach the Volunteers!
I heard that from a gal that does the costumes for “Who Let the Clogs Out!”, she said she run into another gal in the restroom at the Pilot Truck Stop that knows somebody that knows Peyton “real” well.
Can you say National Championship?
HELL YEAH!
So I’m not a going to cry in my spilled beer, whats been done is a done.
It’s PEYTON Time in TENNESSEE!
Hootie – Out!
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
RETRACTION and APOLOGY
When Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is wrong, he admits it.
I have for years (and years) emphatically stated that ESPN “commentator” Beth Mowins was without a doubt the worst announcer / commentator in all of college sports.
I have detailed her charges of ear rape that have been filed in twenty six states.
I was wrong…….
Not about her horribly annoying nasally voice….
But about her being the “worst commentator” in all of college sports.
That title without any doubt belongs to FOX Sports “commentator” Gus Johnson.
“IF” you happened to be unfortunate enough to have heard him scream and yell during the Ohio State – Penn State game last weekend, then you know what I am talking about.
It wasn’t enough that that this gibbering idiot wouldn’t shut the hell up for two damn seconds during the entire game which I can only attribute to a snorkel hanging out of his ass that allowed him to breath and subsequently scream and yell during the entire telecast.
I have never (ever) in my life heard such a horrible commentator.
It was a game that commentated or announced, it was yell fest full of unnecessary and nebulous “facts”.
This idiot yelled and shouted everything…..
“FIRST DOWN!”
“HERE WE GO!”
Can you imagine going out to eat with this yelling dumbass?
“I WANT A HOT DOG!”
“WHERE IS MY CELL PHONE!”
“I JUST FARTED!!!!”
EDITORS NOTE: I will take Howling Beth Mowins over this guy any day….
Enough Said
FOX COLLEGE FOOTBALL COVERAGE
EDITORS NOTE: Please see the above “Apology” section and add whatever your favorite cuss words you are familiar with to complete the picture of ridiculousness that is FOX College Football coverage.
TENNESSEE: Yes, it’s gotten that bad in Tennessee…..
“WHAT THEY SAY and WHAT THEY MEAN”
In this weeks edition of Coaches “Speak” I will decipher and translate Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh’s last news conference after their resounding win over the Rutgers Scarlett Knights.
Here is what he said and I have provided for you “What he meant to say”
Question…..
“What is the status of the injuries on the team especially the quarterback?”
What He said……
“I can’t and won’t talk about that right now until we have them evaluated.”
“What He Meant”
“I wonder where I can buy a pair of ass-less chaps?”
Question…..
“Coach, how would you assess the season thus far?”
What He said……
“We have done some really good things, and there is still a lot to work on”
“What He Meant”
“I look smart as hell in these geek glasses.”
Question…..
“Coach, how is recruiting going, for next year?”
What He said……
“The coaching staff and I are constantly on the road during the week, and I am anticipating an outstanding class of athletes this coming season at Michigan.”
“What He Meant”
“That reminds me, I need to download the pictures from my work computer on my trip to the Vatican to see the Pope and put them on Facebook”
EDITORS NOTE: Next week we will address the press conferences from the Athletic Director from the University of Florida.
ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY: Other than watching Coach Lee Corso and his headgear pick of the week my favorite segment is anything to do with sideline reporter Holly Rowe. I love her….
Seriously I love her…
FLORIDA: Sorry Coach Jim…….
Later Gator……
BOSTON COLLEGE: I felt so terrible for the Eagle fans of Chestnut Hill after their win over Florida State last weekend. They simply didn’t know or even understand “How To” celebrate after a big win.
Some stormed the field after the game, well those that stayed for the game anyway.
Then they didn’t know what to do…..
Most looked at their cell phones, presumably to either Google “How to Celebrate” or find an Application that would instruct them on “What to Do”.
So they just stood around and took pictures with their phones…..
It’s sad really….
Just sad….
ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: It needs to be said……
These three gibbering knuckleheads with their gimmicky segments is nauseating.
The worst is during the last ten minutes or so of the program before they switch over to College Game Day
Some “Uniform” expert shows up on the set….
EDITORS NOTE: What the hell is that anyway?
This poindexter discusses color combinations and contrasts of helmets and uniforms on mannequins.
EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” I am serious……
This is so damn dumb I am surprised FOX College Football Studio hadn’t thought of yet.
MIAMI: I guess the Hurricane crowd has suffered through some hard times…..
I can remember when their fans were actually “Fit”
WAKE FOREST: I never thought I would hear of the Demon Deacons being accused of “Running up the Score” against anyone and certainly not Florida State, but apparently Wake did have some dreams of grander a few weeks ago in their loss to the Seminoles.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF COMMITTEE: Many of you have requested it..
Here it is, an actual (verified) picture of the College Football Selection Committee preparing to vote for the first College Football Playoff Poll of the 2017 season.
I think this explains everything….
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
My name is Ken Doll
(Yeah, I know)
It’s bad enough that I am a Indiana Hoosier fan, but I have to listen to my co-workers say….
“Hey everybody its Ken Doll, where is Barbie?”
It’s annoying and aggravating beyond words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would you suggest I change my name or find my own Barbie?
Thanks!
Ken Doll – Terre Haute, Indiana
A: More aggravating and annoying than being a Indiana Hoosier football fan?
That’s really saying something……
Q: Hey Wizard!!
Did you do anything special for Halloween?
We really decorated the house this year and had the great Alfred Hitchcock classic “Psycho” playing on a loop in the house for our annual party.
So what’s your favorite Halloween movie?
See you in Tuscaloosa for the big game this week!
Geaux Tigers
Desmond – Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: Desmond I cannot watch “Psycho” as I am unsure if it’s the classic horror movie or a documentary of women I dated in my twenties.
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
My family and I were watching the thrilling game between Ohio State and Penn State last weekend and I have a question that I hope you can answer.
After looking at the crowd in the game, we really couldn’t tell who were fans of what teams. Other than the typical insane painted, decorated fans of the respective universities they all looked the same to us.
So how can you tell who is for what teams in stadiums in the Big Ten?
Thank You
Ted and Debbie – Savannah, Georgia
A: That is an outstanding question….
We in the South attend our football games “dressed” for the occasion….
Our crowds are full of well dressed beautiful people wearing their finest to cheer for their beloved universities and there is no shortage of television footage to substantiate this fact.
There is no question of who is a fan of what team…..
In the North they typically dress like homeless people or Nanook of the North because their games are typically ten miles from the Arctic Circle.
Q: What’s happening Mr. Wizard!
After reading your book “Sunnyside Up” it’s clear you live a crazy life, so to speak.
(BTW: LOVED the Book!)
Hey I have a question; you didn’t have any unfortunate Halloween mishaps at the RTR Farm this year did you?
Thanks!
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas
A: Thank you for the kind email Barbara and purchasing my book….
There was one very unfortunate incident this year at Halloween….
This child showed up dressed as former Tennessee Coach Derek Dooley…
The other children that were in attendance proceeded to beat him up, stripped him of his costume and set his parents van on fire.
Q: Dear Sir
You’re, like you know, my only friend today, you know?
I mean, I don’t know what happened in Gainesville, but it’s cool, right?
So like I want to clarify something, if that’s cool with you.
I NEVER said I had any DEATH Threats, ever!
I said I had some DEAF threats because like I got this call from some dude that I couldn’t understand and everywhere I have gone I have people giving me the middle finger so I figure I’ve got like, Deaf people threatening me, right?
So like, can you get the word out on this misunderstanding?
I really appreciate it
Jim McElwain (Unemployed) – Gainesville, Florida
A: I understand your pain Coach…..
But be thankful that you weren’t threatened by midgets…
That would have been creepy
Q: Hey Wizard!
Listen to me, I gots me some troubles!
I know that Halloween has done past but listen to me.
I don’t know if you believe in them but I got something going on in my trailer house just like that damn movie, hell yeah. I believe I done got me a Poultry Geese!!
The curtains is a moving sometimes and the other day I could find the damn remote control for the television. I am sure it’s a Poultry Geese!!
You got any ideas how to get rid of a Poultry Geese in a trailerhouse?
Sketch – Rome, Georgia
A: I’ve lived in places that had chickens in the yard…..
But I have never heard of poultry and Geese in the house
That’s a new one on me
THE GAMES
Wednesday 31 October
Bowling Green at Kent State
I’m not trying to sound cocky here….
But I have never been more sure of anything
FALCONS 44 -16
Miami (OH) at Ohio
When I am in the “Prognosticator” Zone…..
I can’t miss…
FRANK’S CATS 45-28
Thursday 2 November
Navy at Temple
Despite the recent setbacks I’m still all in with Navy…..
MIDSHIPMEN 34-21
Idaho at Troy
These instant potatoes don’t stand a chance in South Alabama…
Believe it
MEN OF TROY 38-17
Friday 3 November
Marshall at Florida Atlantic
It is my belief that the Owls will get the Hoot beaten out of them……
WE ARE MARSHALL 41-21
Memphis at Tulsa
There is going to be a shoot-out in Tulsa on Friday Night…..
Fortunately, this one won’t have anything to do with Willie’s Liquor store off of 2nd street
ELVIS’S TIGERS 44-41
UCLA at Utah
In the event you are awake at 0200 Eastern Standard Time…..
Then this is Your Game!
If I am awake at that hour, I typically watch the “Hair in a Can” infomercials
(Don’t judge me)
TWO UTES 38-17
Brown at Yale
I would rather watch two hamsters race each other on a wheel that watch this game.
Saturday 4 November
Wisconsin at Indiana
This old Big Ten (twenty six?) Conference rivalry game is played for the coveted….
“Horseradish Sombrero”
(Don’t get too close to it, it will make your eyes water)
CHEESE MEN 33-17
Penn State at Michigan State
This very important game, will separate the men from the boys in the Big Ten….
Believe it
NITTANY LIONS 28-24
Auburn at Texas A&M
I had every intention of going “Upset Special” on this one…..
It’s going to be closer (Way closer) than you might think
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24
Massachusetts at Mississippi State
Homecoming in Stark-Vegas…..
Bring the Cow Bell…
BULLY DOGS 41-14
North Dakota State at South Dakota State
This cross state rivalry is a bitter one……
It’s going to be close (Real Close)
MIGHTY BISON 33-31
Northern Arizona at Montana
The Boys from Arizona should enjoy the balmy 20 degree weather for kickoff…..
That forty mile an hour wind is delightful too.
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-14
Florida at Missouri
Have no fear Gator Fans…..
Mr. Shannon knows what he is doing…
Keep the Faith
RANDY GATORS 34-31
Kansas State at Texas Tech
I’m calling this one a “Toss-Up”
It could easily go either way
BILL’S CATS 34-33
Western Kentucky at Vanderbilt
Lionel Richie came on this morning when I was writing the picks….
That’s a “sign”
COMMODORES 34-17
Baylor at Kansas
Here we go…….
This game is between two teams that together couldn’t defeat a group of blind midget jugglers.
DA BEARS 6-3 (Triple overtime)
Illinois at Purdue
It’s time for the game for the coveted…..
“Purdue Cannon!”
As opposed to the game for the “Purdue Sphincter Cannon”
In case you were wondering….
“The Purdue Cannon” is far less aromatic than the other cannon
Just saying…
BOILERMAKERS 28-14
East Carolina at Houston
I didn’t pick the Cougars last week and I got “Tricked” for Halloween over it…
I will correct my mistake this week….
MAJOR COUGARS 41-24
Syracuse at Florida State
I wish I had better news for my Seminole faithful….
But I don’t
Sorry
ORANGE 28-21
Georgia Tech at Virginia
I still believe the Rambling Wreck is a force to be reckoned with…..
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17
Georgia State at Georgia Southern
I never (ever) thought I would be picking the Panthers over the Eagles….
But here we are…
PANTHERS 38-17
South Carolina at Georgia
Call me crazy…..
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from Mental Health Professionals
SMART DAWGS 31-28
Ohio State at Iowa
(See my above description on the Carolina – Georgia game)
It’s going to be close
BUCKEYES 28-24
Ouachita Baptist at Southern Arkansas
I do love Southern Arkansas, it’s beautiful country…..
But we Baptist have to stick together
GOTCHA BAPTIST 28-24
Henderson State at Arkansas Monticello
Bo Knows..
Henderson is due for an “Upset”…….
Here you go
BO WEEVILLS 31-28
Wake Forest at Notre Dame
I was going to watch this early game…..
But unfortunately The National Accordion Polka Playoffs are on ESPN 8…..
Sorry….
FIGHTING IRISH 41-24
Clemson at North Carolina State
I know (I know) a lot of national sports media are calling for an “Upset” in this one
Nope, not going to happen
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17
Iowa State at West Virginia
Save your liter fluid and drag those couches back into the house…..
There won’t be any smoldering couches burning late into the night on Saturday
Sorry….
CYCLONES 38-24
Stanford at Washington State
Coach Mike’s Cats are killing my damn weekly average…..
(I just had to get that out of my system)
MIKE’S CATS 31-28
South Florida at Connecticut
The Bulls got the “Horns” last week at the hands of the Houston Cougars…..
This week they will be Strong Like Bull”
Believe it…..
NO BULL 34-17
Maryland at Rutgers
I have on good authority……
The winner of this game has first dibs on the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Waycross Georgia. So yeah, it’s a BIG deal.
NINJA TURTLES 31-24
Carson Newman at Lenoir Rhyne
You would think as long as I have been beating them up…..
That they could once and for all spell LeAnn Rimes name correctly
That’s all I’m saying
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31
Delta State at North Greenville
If those folks in Greenville know what’s good for them…..
They will come to the understand that they need too
FEAR THE OKRA 34-31
Northwestern at Nebraska
We are just a few days removed from Halloween….
So call this “Prognosticators Intuition”
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24
Army at Air Force
The first step towards the “Commander in Chief Trophy”
I’m rolling “Upset” in this one…..
FALCONS 33-28
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State
This bitter instate rivalry game is known simply as…..
“The Bedlam Game”
It’s going to fight from start to finish…….
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 34-31
Ole Miss at Kentucky
My Bluegrass Faithful are getting upset with my lack of love to the Wildcats…
Consider this my way of apologizing
BLUE CATS 34-24
North Alabama at West Florida
Despite the up and down season for the Florence Lions….
I’m still on the bandwagon
(In fact I am setting right up front)
FLORENCE LIONS 33-28
Coastal Carolina at Arkansas
Homecoming in Fayetteville ……
I can smell those smokers cooking from here
HAWGS 41-17
Oregon State at California
I haven’t seen this many sad beavers since they closed the “dance” club next to the truck stop outside of Knoxville.
EDITORS NOTE: Get your minds out of the gutter; I was referring to the wet lands near the truck stop. Seriously, that’s what I was referring too.
DA BEARS 28-10
Albion at Hope
I really Hope the Albino wins the game…..
Bless his Heart..
St Olaf at Concordia
Isn’t “Concordia” a type of grape?
I’m confused, is this a winery or a college?
I’m going with the German’s in this one
ST OLLIE 28-24
Nevada at Boise State
The Bronco’s are rolling and the Boys from Nevada are rolling over….
BRONCO’S 41-24
Colorado State at Wyoming
Cowboy Down…..
RAM TOUGH 34-17
Texas at Texas Christian
My trembling hands can hardly write this pick……
HORNED DOGS 38-17
Central Florida at Southern Methodist
You read it correctly……
“UPSET SPECIAL”
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-31
Southern Miss at Tennessee
I hate to be the one to tell you this…..
But it’s going to be closer than you might think
VOWELS 33-24
Minnesota at Michigan
Yippee!
It’s the big “rivalry” game for the “Little Brown Jug”
The jug of hooch goes too……
WOLVERINES 33-17
LSU at Alabama
This game is always (always) a slobber knocker….
It’s big boy football at it’s best
It’s going to be close
CRIMSON TIDE 28-24
Virginia Tech at Miami
If memory serves me correctly…..
It is still Hurricane season
That seals the deal
HURRICANES 28-21
Colorado at Arizona State
I wish I cared but I don’t……
SUNNY DEVILS 31-28
Oregon at Washington
My Black Lab “Doc” is giving me “the look” and I think we all know what that means
HUSKIES 33-31
Arizona at Southern California
I have no logical reason for calling this one an “Upset”….
Just so you know….
RICH CATS 38-34
Next Week….
As you have come to expect from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
Your Week 11 College Football Picks will be on the wire by next Thursday
I am working on several stories for Mikerights.com edition next week as well
(I know, I say that every week…..But they are on their way)
(Seriously, they are on their way…)
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing….
I have simple request from you my beloved readers of The CFB Wizard and Mikerights.com, well it’s sort of simple.
I received my quarterly sales report from my book “Sunnyside Up” and I am less than a hundred books from making the top 100 on the New York Times best sellers list and I need your help.
If you haven’t purchased the book from either Amazon or Barnes and Noble I would encourage you to do so. Tell your friends and family about the book and promote”Sunnyside Up” on any social media outlets you may use.
Christmas is right around the corner and it would make a nice gift.
I recognize that I sound like I am close to having a “telethon” to sell my book and you would be correct. I have been unable to begin a book tour due to circumstances beyond my control.
So there I said it, I need your help and frankly so does “Doc” his taste for squeaky tennis balls have reached epic proportions due to his “celebrity status.”
So on behalf of both Doc and Myself, “Thank you”, we greatly appreciate it.
Be good to yourself and to those around you this week and always…
Enjoy your weekend…
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD