Ladies and Gentlemen –
(Said in my best scary voice)
So don’t be afraid of the wind that blows cold at midnight…
EDITORS NOTE: Please note that comment is for PAC 12 games only as they come on at 0200 Eastern Standard Time and the rest of us will be asleep at that time.
Don’t be afraid of things that go bump in the night…..
EDITORS NOTE: Unless your Aunt Francis has gotten into the liquor cabinet….
It’s time for your “Spook-Tacular” Halloween Week 9 College Football Picks that are sure to be “Spook-a-Lisious”.
EDITORS NOTE: I can’t believe I actually used “Spook-a-Lisious”.
Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator not only picked the winner of the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy correctly (You are Welcome St. Olaf) but finished Week 8 of the College Football Season at 46 and 8 or 85%.
Impressive you say?
Consider that The CFB Wizard now stands at 349 and 60 or 85% for the season…..
“Yes”, I will now agree with you, that is quite impressive, thank you America.
Once again I have my good friend from Birmingham, Alabama Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson with his own take from last week’s games that I am sure you will enjoy.
He makes me laugh….
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
“WHAT THEY SAY and WHAT THEY MEAN”
Each and every week, I get a variety of emails from numerous different college football fans asking Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator to decipher or translate what their favorite college football team’s Coach was saying in a particular news conference.
Fortunately for you readers I am blessed to possess “The Coach’s Whisper” and can break this all down for you readers.
Take for example Coach Butch Jones from the University of Tennessee last week and his news conference following the game with Alabama.
Here is what he said and I have provided for you “What he meant”
“How would you rate the development of your quarterback after the game?”
What He said……
“As you know he is a freshman and to play in a tough environment against a team like he faced today is a testimony to his courage and development.”
“What He Meant”
“I am doing the best I can with what I have got to work with ok? So get off my ass, most of you “experts” couldn’t coach a damn Pop Warner team, much less a kid that can’t remember to snap his damn chin strap”
“Coach it’s been a tough year and a lot of criticism is leveled at you and your staff. How do you respond to that?”
What He said……
“We try to block out the outside distractions and go about our job preparing the team”
“What He Meant”
“Yeah it’s hard as hell to do your job when all you jackals are constantly complaining and criticizing every damn thing I do or don’t do.”
“How do you address rumors of your potential dismissal from Tennessee?”
What He said……
“I have no control over rumors; all I can do is work to prepare our team week after week”
“What He Meant”
“My wife and I are looking forward to the buyout clause from my contract so we can get out of this crappy town and enjoy some piece and quiet without all the constant Bull Crap from you people.”
EDITORS NOTE: Next week we will address the press conferences from Michigan….
THE WORST COMMERCIAL (EVER) ON GAME DAY
As if their “food” and I use that term loosely, isn’t bad enough, Burger King has released this ear bleeding commercial for all of us college football fans on game day.
Kill Me Now…..
MARYLAND: The leading cause of seizures at Maryland games has now been discovered…..
GEORGIA SOUTHERN: Last week…..
Winless (Yes I said “winless)
Georgia Southern fired their football coach in mid-season
NOTE TO SELF: Winning and collegiate traditions are not just for the mega-universities and colleges. Nobody has done it better than the Eagles of Statesboro and they are just as serious about their football as anybody else in the South.
WASHINGTON STATE: In the world of college football where to many of us take everything too seriously, it’s nice to know there is a Coach Mike Leach at Washington State.
Enjoy this brief snippet from his last press conference….
TEXAS TECH: Speaking of Coach Mike Leach…..
Remember Red Raider fans those days when you defeated Texas and Oklahoma and played for conference championships?
Those were some exciting times…..
In the event you don’t remember who was responsible for the demise of your once proud program, I present a reminder in Craig James.
BAYLOR: It has come to my attention that the Baylor Bears are producing a movie to chronicle their success during the Coach Art years….
FLORIDA STATE: I have on good authority that the Seminoles will be changing the emblem on the side of their iconic helmets for the remainder of the season to symbolize their feelings on their dismal season.
MICHIGAN: I received this picture after the Wolverines game in Happy Valley against Penn State and I want to clarify that Coach Jim is “not” an upcoming contestant on the CBS television program “The Amazing Race”, he is simply running from angry Wolverine fans following the game at Penn State.
I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.
MICHIGAN PART II: I know that most of you proud Wolverine Fans are still on the Coach Jim bandwagon while relishing in the misery at the University of Tennessee and Coach Butch Jones.
I read all of your emails
Consider this and let this statistic soak in…..
LSU: I recognize that this video is a few years old……
But in Honor of Halloween, Mike the Tiger and the Golden Girls of Tiger Land…..
I want to remind you all that next week’s game at Alabama should be a “Thriller”
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
I know some people that know you personally and they said your Black Lab “Doc” barks and jumps and puts on a show when Alabama defeats Tennessee.
So what does he do when Tennessee beats Alabama?
Maggie – Conyers, Georgia
A: I have no idea Maggie, Doc is only ten years old……
Q: Dear Sir
My name is Parnell “Pumpkin” Wallford and I known as the “Human Pumpkin” and as you might imagine this time of the year I am VERY busy with displays and appearances of all types. TOO busy to meet a young lady!!
My question is this sir; do you think I would be able to meet a woman if I changed my name to “Human Pumpkin Spice”?
Parnell “Pumpkin” Wallford – Rockford, Illinois
A: I have no idea why I get these questions…..
My immediate concern is with a name change like that you might just meet “Peter Pumpkin Eater”.
Q: Hey Mr. CFB Wizard!
Question sir, what “treats” are you passing out for Halloween this year??
Love (Love) Your Weekly column!
Bambi – Mobile, Alabama
A: Thank you for your kind words Bambi…..
Since I currently live in rural (rural) Tennessee I try and tailor my “treats” to the local populace that’s why I pass out candy cigarettes and small airplane bottles of liquor for the little kiddos that come by for trick or treat.
Might as well, give them some idea of their future while enjoying a “spooky” treat
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
As I am sure you know this weekend’s game between the Minnesota Golden Gophers and the Iowa Hawkeyes is played each year for the “Floyd of Rosedale” which is a giant bronze pig.
My question is simply this: What is the deal with the bronze pig?
Chuck – Des Moines, Iowa
A: That is an excellent question Chuck…..
The bronze pig known as “The Floyd of Rosedale” has an interesting history…..
It was so named due to several lawsuits from large women with bad bronze spray tans that they paid for from “Floyd’s Spray Tanning Salon” outside of Waterloo, Iowa.
Q: Hey Mister Wizard Man
Ya’ll are about some cheezy, lyin’ ass people over yonder in Tuscaloosa. Lemme tell ya somethin’, bumpkin. I drove alllllll tha way from Little Rock ta see my Arkansas Razerbacks (WOOOOOOOOOOOO PIG!!!) play their football game with Alabama.
Well, guess what happened. I put the name a tha football field inta my GPS and do you know what???? There ain’t no sucha place in Tuscalooser called Brian-Dennehy STADIUM!!!
I don’t think it’s very funny ta be tellin’ outta towners tha wrong name a yore football field so thay caint support thayre team!!! So, you bein a Alabama boy, I wanna know just one thang!!! What the hell do you call the place that you play football cause it AINT BRIAN-DENNEHY STADIUM!!!
Little Rock, Arkansas
A: I have no idea what the hell you just said….
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
Do you have any safety tips this year for the youngsters concerning Halloween and “safe” Trick or Treating within their neighborhoods and in their respective communities?
I am hoping to share your wisdom with the students and faculty here at John Glenn Middle School in Cleveland Ohio.
Thank you Sir
Principle Richardson – Cleveland, Ohio
A: Thank you for your trust and confidence in me Principle Richardson….
This time of the year is a dangerous time for children of all ages.
As we know, former Tennessee Coach Fat Phil Fulmer also known as “The Great Pumpkin” will appear from pumpkin patches throughout the country devouring children that smell like powdered sugar and or donuts.
The most effective defense to these vicious attacks is teaching the children two simple words. They need to say these two words with confidence and dare I say joy and Fat Phil will melt away into the night.
Simply look into his beady cold dead eyes and say……
Thursday 26 October
South Alabama at Georgia State
I the Jaguars are rolling and the Panthers rolled up…..
Stanford at Oregon State
I hate to be the one to say this……
But the Beavers have lost their bite
Friday 27 October
Tulane at Memphis
I thought only High Schools played on Friday night?
ELVIS’S TIGERS 38-17
Florida State at Boston College
You damn Semicolons are giving me headache….
Tulsa at Southern Methodist
I say let the Horses Run…..
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34
Saturday 28 October
Wisconsin at Illinois
This Ole Big Ten (or whatever) Conference Rivalry game is played each year for the coveted (Wait for it….)
“Fancy Urinal Cake Trophy”
This game already smells minty fresh…..
Miami at North Carolina
Those people that actually believe that the Tar Heels will defeat the Hurricanes….
Have had way (way) to much candy corn
I’m just saying….
Oklahoma State at West Virginia
There will be more scoring in this game than Bill Clinton at a Harvey Weinstein Party….
COWBOY UP! 51-41
Virginia Military Institute at The Citadel
This Old South Rivalry between two premier Military colleges is appropriately called..
“The Military Classic of the South”
It’s played for the coveted “Silver Shako”
Why they are playing for a bucket of bait fish baffles me to this day
Chattanooga at Samford
Doc gave me “that” look I better go Bulldogs on this one…..
Rutgers at Michigan
Yippee the Maze and Blue win a game……
Arkansas at Ole Miss
I don’t know if this is an “Upset” or not…..
But I do believe in the power of pork BBQ
Texas at Baylor
I wish I was excited about this game…..
But I’m not
Louisville at Wake Forest
I had something very clever to say about this game……
But I forgot what it was..
BOBBY’S BIRDS 41-17
Virginia at Pittsburgh
CALVARY GUYS 28-24
Montana at Weber State
I am going with Big Sky Country in this One
Alabama A&M at Alabama State
They call this instate battle “The Magic City Classic”
It’s always a good one…..
Don’t leave your seats
California at Colorado
There is nothing quite like watching Wynonna Judd leading the Buffaloes onto the field at every Boulder home game. Word to the wise though……
Don’t make eye contact with her, she is liable to charge……
Florida International at Marshall
Few places on earth are more beautiful than Huntington West Virginia in the Fall…..
WE ARE MARSHALL 38-24
Kansas State at Kansas
The Sunflower Showdown for the Governor’s Cup……
Yeah that’s about as exciting as I can make this one sound
BILL’S CATS 189-3
Tusculum at Carson Newman
I cannot in good conscience pick a team that you can’t pronounce without having a speech impediment. It’s a rule….
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31
St Olaf at Gustanus Adolphus
When this many German’s get together there are a few things you can count on…..
1. There will be large amounts of alcohol consumed….
2. And by the end of the third quarter they will have perfected a plan to invade France
ST OLLIE 28-21
Air Force at Colorado State
In the Rocky Mountain State this rivalry game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
I say “Upset”
Penn State at Ohio State
The Biggest game of the day that will have national implications for the remainder of the year, it’s the Big Horseshoe; It’s the Buckeyes and the Nittany Lions.
NITTANY LIONS 33-31
Georgia at Florida
The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party……
It’s going to be a long day for the Gators
SMART DAWGS 38-14
Texas Christian at Iowa State
Most pundits are calling for an “Upset” in this game….
HORNED DOGS 33-17
North Carolina State at Notre Dame
I am however calling “Upset Special” in this game…..
UCLA at Washington
As my Black Lab “Doc” likes to remind me….
It’s the Year of the Dog
Michigan State at Northwestern
This game is going to be uglier than watching a corn dog eating contest….
WE ARE SPARTA 41-17
Northern Iowa at North Dakota State
The Mighty Bison are stampeding towards another play-off run…..
MIGHTY BISON 34-24
Idaho State at Montana State
They say Idaho State…..
I say Mashed Potatoes
BIG SKY CATS 33-28
Georgia Southern at Troy
The Eagles are grounded…….
At least until next year anyway
MEN OF TROY 38-14
Indiana at Maryland
I had every intention of watching this game but my online Parcheesi Tournament is on at the same time, sorry.
HOOSIER DADDY 28-24
Houston at South Florida
I truly hate to pick against Coach Major……
Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Doc and I went into town the other day…..
A man passed us in a car full of roosters running loose all over the interior of his vehicle
That’s what I like to call a “sign”
Florida Atlantic at Western Kentucky
I get it already Florida is bordered by the “Atlantic”….
You damn people don’t have to constantly remind us
Austin Peay at Central Florida
For reasons I can’t quite explain I have this uncontrollable urge to urinate
KNIGHTS of GOLD 51-10
Utah at Oregon
So Two Utes walk into this bar with a duck under each arm….
Stop me if you have heard it already
TWO UTES 34-31
Missouri at Connecticut
I seriously don’t care…..
MO TIGER 6-3
Minnesota at Iowa
The Battle for…………
The Floyd of Rosedale
Honestly I just feel bad for all those large women with bad spray tans from Floyd’s Tanning Salon. It’s sad really…..
Mississippi State at Texas A&M
The Bulldogs are favored in this one………
I hate to go against my Black Lab “Doc” but…
GIG EM AGGIES 33-28
Alabama Birmingham at Southern Miss
It’s not often I pick against anything with the word “Alabama” in it….
But this is one of these times
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-17
Arkansas Monticello at Ouachita Baptist
I know (and you know) that Bo knows Weevils….
But does Bo know about a good ole Baptist baptismal?
GOTCHA BAPTIST 33-24
Delta State at North Alabama
I can hardly believe I am making this pick……
But even during Halloween….
I have to admit…..
FEAR THE OKRA 34-31
Duke at Virginia Tech
It’s true what they say……
“IF” you do the Hokey Poky you will in fact, turn yourself around
Tennessee at Kentucky
Before you ask…..
“NO” I am NOT joking….
I still believe
Nebraska at Purdue
It’s Halloween, so how can I go against…..
THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-28
Georgia Tech at Clemson
This one will be close…….
Really (Really) Close….
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28
Texas Tech at Oklahoma
Sooner or Later the Red Raiders always get crushed by Oklahoma…..
That Sooner is Saturday
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 41-17
Washington State at Arizona
It’s Halloween weekend…..
So I am going with the guy dressed like a pirate
MIKE’S CATS 38-28
Boise State at Utah State
This one is simple……
Southern California at Arizona State
I will not go as far as call “Upset” in this one……
But it will be close
As you have come to expect from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
Your Week 10 College Football Picks will be on the wire by next Thursday
I am working on several stories for Mikerights.com edition next week as well
(I know, I say that every week…..But they are on their way)
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing….
I can’t thank you all enough for reading The CFB Wizard and Mikerights.com and thank you so much to those who purchased my book “Sunnyside Up”.
On behalf of both Doc and Myself, “Thank you”, we greatly appreciate it
Don’t forget to be good to yourself and to those around you this week and always…
Enjoy your weekend…
THE CFB WIZARD