THE 2017 PRESEASON EXTRAVAGANZA PART III

August 18, 2017
By

Ladies and Gentlemen

Before I am incinerated next week during the total solar eclipse I wanted to ensure that you had a moment of entertainment that I affectionately like to refer to as Part III of the 2017 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.

Kickoff is right around the corner, so let’s get to it…..

Enjoy…

BREAKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

This past week we lost a giant in the world of college football…

The Great Frank Broyles passed away at the age of 92

He is known for coaching the Mighty Arkansas Razorbacks from 1958 to 1976 and winning seven Southwest Conference Championships and one National Championship in the process. He coached many of the greatest players to have ever played the game and many of his assistant coaches went on to win their own National Championships and even Super Bowls.

Coach Broyles went on to be the Athletic Director of his beloved Arkansas with both men’s and women’s teams racking up numerous (numerous) National Championships during his tenure.

But I remember Coach Broyles affectionately by his time in the ABC College Football booth calling games with the voice of college football; the Great Keith Jackson.

There has never (ever) been a better pair calling a college football game than Keith Jackson and Coach Frank Broyles and there never will be I might add.

God Bless you Coach Broyles, and speaking for the entire Razorback Nation and college football fans everywhere, thank you for the wonderful memories.

A COMMENTARY FROM THE CFB WIZARD

I told you all years ago it was going to happen.

Many of you laughed me off as some nut case.

A few of you took me seriously. But didn’t really believe it was possible.

But here we are.

The Politically Correct Speech Police are in full attack mode from all sides.

You see, that’s what happens when you allow these things to flourish.

It started with the NCAA attacks on the North Dakota “Fighting Sioux”

The University fought it as hard and as long as they could until threats of “You can’t play any games” from the “all volunteer” organization known as the NCAA finally took it’s toll.

The Naval Academy changed their fight song to be more “inclusive”

The NCAA barred any tournaments etc. from South Carolina due to a confederate flag located on a memorial on the capital grounds in Columbia.

The NCAA still forbids any tournaments etc from Mississippi due to their state flag.

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah, because “they” don’t like their state flag.

Now the Mighty LSU Tigers are under assault from the “Thought Police”.

The LSU mascot and their name “Tigers” are under attack to “change”

EDITORS NOTE: Beware my Auburn Faithful.. Just wait until the thought police realize where “War Eagle” came from…..

And soon to come, the University of South Carolina will be under attack, because after all “Gamecocks” was a term used to describe Francis Marion the hero of the Revolutionary War.

Guess what? You guessed it he owned slaves.

No matter that without Francis Marion “the swamp fox” we would all be eating fish and chips instead of chili dogs. It doesn’t matter he owned slaves.

Because you see this “outrage” that we hear about apparently is just limited to the South.

That’s right I said it.

The misguided “outrage” and butt hurt that these “enlightened” idiots are forcing upon us oddly enough hasn’t been dealt with in their own back yards.

What am I referring too?

I will tell you, but first a brief quiz.

EDITORS NOTE:
No need to study this one is easy…

Where are the bastions of liberalism and thought police in America?

EDITORS NOTE: Cue the theme from “Jeopardy”

If you said California Berkeley and the Ivy League you would be correct.

Certainly those from those stalwart institutions and many like them have spread their venom around the country and particularly the South to make everyone “conform” to their way of thinking.

But wait…..

Before we continue the outright assault on us ignorant unenlightened Southerners..

What about California Berkeley?

George Berkeley was a plantation owner and slave master in the 1800’s.

In fact he owned thousands (THOUSANDS) of slaves.

EDITORS NOTE: O’ Yes he did….

AND, after bequeathing his plantation to Yale, he moved to Bermuda and opened a college to re-educated “Native American savages”

And how would he do this? But abducting Native American’s 10 years old or younger and spirit them away to Bermuda for a grand and glorious re-education!

I’m sorry did I mention Yale?

Both Yale and Harvard profited greatly by the slave trade as their biggest benefactors weren’t just a seller of slaves or whatever. No, they owned and operated the “Business” from shipping interest to ships crews, routes and the like. They were making the big money in the slave business and strangely enough they weren’t from Mississippi, they were from Massachusetts.

In this instance it’s like condemning the guy on the street corner selling drugs but you don’t want to go after the drug cartels.

EDITORS NOTE: The truth hurts doesn’t it?

Brown University in the Ivy League was actually constructed and built by their first treasurer John Brown, for whom the university is named.

Mr. Brown owned huge investments in the slave trade, shipping, transportation and distribution of said human cargo. He was instrumental in getting his fellow traffickers in human flesh to donate to the university, because you know, they were in business together.

James Manning of Brown University was especially naughty….

EDITORS NOTE: No relation to Archie….

As President of the university he was known to work slaves to “death”

You don’t hear a peep coming from those places about change do you?

Change the name of the school?

How about changing the name of the buildings named after the Big Money Slave Men?

Nope…..

Not a word.

Not a single Blessed word…

The only reason I mention all of this is really quite simple.

When you here about a group wanting “change” here or removing a statue there, don’t you think it begs the question?

Why haven’t any of these more serious and egregious oversights been addressed?

It’s the Southern equivalent of your neighbor complaining about you not cutting the grass in your yard while their yard looks like a damn scene from the “Jungle Book.”

It’s much like the Great Francis Marion of South Carolina had to tell his fellow citizens at the start of the Revolutionary War.

“We are at war for everything we hold dear, it’s time to fight this enemy that seeks to enslave us and make us subjects to their every thought and will.”

EDITORS NOTE: Never mind, he was slave owner, his opinion doesn’t count.

THE CFB WIZARD


2017 PRESEASON PREDICTIONS AND PROGNOSTICATIONS

Before we get into the predictions on the various conference championships let’s take a look into The CFB Wizards Crystal Ball for this years CFB Wizard Prognostications.

This 2017 College Football Season…..

Justice will finally be served…..

ESPN’s College Football “commentator” Howling Beth Mowins who has a voice that sounds like someone is tasering a cat. Will be indicted for ear rape in 26 states by early November and be incarcerated in a sound proof room on Rikers Island.

Be prepared for the referees yellow flags to be flying this season as the “two” single most issues they will be concentrating on according to the 2017 NCAA Referees guide, will be sideline violations by the coaches and players and of course targeting fouls.

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering, a NCAA referee that happens to be a loyal reader of the CFB Wizard provided yours truly with the 2017 NCAA Guidebook and Rules. Yeah, I’m cool like that.

The University of Tennessee will most assuredly win Back to Back National Championships of “Life” this season despite the fact Coach Butch Jones will be fired in October (Pick a date) after having his throat cut by none other than “special assistant” Phil Fulmer.

Former Ole Miss Coach Hugh Freeze will have a new career this college football season as his AT&T commercials will air nationally and reportedly the commercials will have Coach Freeze holding a cell phone while smiling for the camera and declaring…

“Don’t confuse a Butt Dial with a Booty Call”

Speaking of commercials, apparently there is a feud boiling in the Big Ten (Or 24…) Conference this year as both Rutgers AND Indiana are vying for the same sponsorship of their respective football programs. Both have unwittingly released promotional videos claiming they have the “official” sponsorship.

Unfortunately due to some legal issues Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator cannot release either of the promotional videos; however I am at liberty to disclose the “catch phrase” in both universities sponsorship videos.

INDIANA: “If you think Hoover vacuums suck, wait till you see our football team!”

RUTGERS: “Only one thing sucks like a Hoover; The Scarlet Knights of New Jersey”

For the first time in the history of the Duke Blue Devils their attendance for home games will exceed the number of members in the university band. Congratulations!

There will not be an “Undefeated” Southeastern Conference Champion this year.

This season Arizona Wildcat Coach Rich Rodriguez will have his recent hair plugs replaced with the mane of a Shetland pony that is said to resemble a mullet.

In other desert news Coach Rodriguez’s wife Rita will continue to scare small children and frighten animals when seen out in public without her makeup.

Even without Vern Lundquest on CBS Sports…..
We will all still invent new and improved cuss words during a telecast featuring Gary Danielson.

The Mighty Bison of North Dakota will fail to appear in the Championship game for the first time in six consecutive years.

Southern California will stumble badly when they meet the Colorado Buffaloes in November, believe it.

The Houston Cougars under Coach Major Applewhite will be one of the surprise teams of the year.

Coach Les Miles will return to the Southeastern Conference later this year as a Head Football Coach. Don’t be surprised if it’s not at Ole Miss.

My Black Lab “Doc” will continue to baffle the hell out of me by picking 92% of his games involving “Dog” mascots.

This upcoming season no one in the media, the fans or any of the players will be able to understand anything LSU Coach Orgeron is saying.

The Tulane Greenwave will NOT make the college football playoffs this year.

(Sorry)

Texas Tech…..See above.

Purdue…..(See “Tulane”)

Former Arkansas and Ole Miss Coach Houston Nutt will make bank this season due to Ole Miss attempting to throw him under the NCAA bus of violations.

However on that topic I was disturbed to see a headline in the Jackson Mississippi newspaper recently that was titled.

“All you need to know about the Nutt Freeze Case”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s just wrong…

THE “BIGGEST” GAMES

There are several games to begin the season this year that will have a season long effect on the teams involved and will craft the landscape all the way to the National Championship game in January of 2018.

2 September

Brigham Young and LSU
Although Coach O of LSU is promoting this game as the clash between two powerhouses, the truth is the Mighty Tigers of LSU are “supposed” to win this game and “if” perhaps by some miracle they don’t win or it’s a close game….

Remember the howls from Baton Rouge for Coach Miles head after the loss to Wisconsin because they were “supposed” to win?

The pressure is on the Tigers to perform in this one.

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking….

But you will have to wait until next week for the Picks to get the answer you want

Michigan and Florida
The Gators will be without half their starters in this one due to some errors in judgment regarding a university credit card, but that won’t relieve the pressure on the Gator Coach “if” they fail to play well.

Conversely this puts extra added pressure on Michigan to destroy the Gators and a close win by the Wolverines may crush their confidence before they begin their conference schedule.

The pressure in this one is squarely on Michigan.

Alabama and Florida State
This game between two of the best teams in college football is an interesting one.

It will be close, very close and unlike other games detailed here, it won’t define the season for either team; that is unless Alabama losses.

Because they aren’t accustomed to losing and certainly not the first game of the season.

The pressure is squarely on Alabama and Coach Saban.

3 September

UCLA and Texas A&M
Although this isn’t a “Top 10” matchup the implications of this game will have season long effects on the tenure of both head coaches and the success or failure of their respective seasons.

Believe it…

4 September

Georgia Tech and Tennessee
The pressure in this game rests solely on Coach Jones and the University of Tennessee.

And let me add this….

A close game won’t help Coach Jones, the Volunteers “must” defeat the Yellowjackets soundly and completely or the fans in orange and white will be howling at the Atlanta Moon.

“IF” Georgia Tech and their triple option overcome the Volunteers, that whole mantra by Coach Jones of “Rebuilding the Volunteers Brick by Brick” may come back to haunt him as those very same bricks will find their way being thrown through his windows.

9 September

Oklahoma and Ohio State
This intriguing matchup between to legendary programs in college football will be played in the Big Horseshoe in Columbus and that will certainly help the Buckeyes, because the Sooners under a “new” Head Coach will have something to prove.

But even more interesting, both teams have been chosen by sportswriters to win their respective conferences this year and that adds up to one thing; “pressure”.

Oklahoma can afford to lose, but they can’t afford to be embarrassed.

Ohio State can’t afford to either lose or have a close game with the Sooners.

The pressure here is on Coach Urban Myer and the Mighty Buckeyes to start strong.

EDITORS NOTE: In the event the Buckeyes falter be prepared for Coach Myer to fake another heart attack. I’m just saying…

Clemson and Auburn
Tigers and Tigers
Neither of these teams resemble the teams they fielded last season.

The Defending National Champion Tigers will have plenty of new faces, especially at quarterback and it will be impossible to replace an athlete and a leader like Deshaun Watson, but fortunately for them this game is in Death Valley which will provide a slight advantage.

But….

This may be the best team Coach Gus and the Auburn Tigers have had since the Cam Newton days so they “need” to win out of the gate or this game could cause them to stumble through the rest of the season.

This will be the defining “game” that determines the course for both teams.

Nebraska and Oregon
The Cornhuskers “upset” the Ducks last season and that win propelled them to one of their better seasons in recent years. Conversely, after losing to Nebraska the Ducks spiraled out of control to a subpar season and replacing the head football coach.

The pressure is on both teams in this one, but Oregon is playing at home…

So…..

Arkansas and Texas Christian
This matchup between two old Southwest Conference rivals will cost one coach his job at the end of the season. But, believe me, the real pressure here is on the Arkansas Razorbacks, they “need” this win to boost their confidence going into the brutal Southeastern Conference schedule.

“IF” Arkansas fails to perform in this game, the heat will be on in Fayetteville.

Notre Dame and Georgia
Let’s keep this game’s analysis simple.

Although this game is being played under the shadow of “Touchdown Jesus” both teams “must” win this game, more so for the Fighting Irish and Coach Kelly because of their abject failure last season.

But make no mistake about it, Coach Smart and the veteran Bulldog team are under a great deal of pressure to win and win big in Southbend or there will be howling and hell raising in Athens.

Make no mistake about it; whoever loses this game will have a dismal season.

Believe it

16 September

Texas and Southern California
This game being played in sunny southern California is a MUST win for both teams.

The Longhorns have a new head coach and the Trojans have a seasoned team.

The pressure is on both teams and coaches to win this game between two big time programs in college football, but more so for the Trojans of Southern California.

But if Texas melts in the southern California sun and looks like hell in the process, the honeymoon will be over in Austin.

The Southeastern Conference
Why do I have a conference listed here?

Because they are gambling with these opening games and the implications they could possibly bring.

Alabama
Auburn
Arkansas
Georgia
Florida
LSU
Tennessee
Texas A&M

I applaud their scheduling “real” games as opposed to other big time teams playing Sally’s Beauty and Nail Academy of Cosmetology and Hair Extension College.

The risk here is great and imagine, if a majority of these teams lose in this games then you will hear the laughter and ridicule about the ‘power” of the Southeastern Conference.

It’s a heck of a gamble.

Believe it

2017 Conference Predictions

The BIG 12 (Light) Conference

EDITORS NOTE: They have all the excitement of a regular conference but only half the calories!

I know what the national pundits are saying….

But I don’t believe that the Oklahoma Sooners will win the Big 12 (Light) Conference title, due in large part to a new coaching staff, unrealistic expectations and a fragile sense of confidence going into the game with Ohio State.

I believe the Oklahoma State Cowboys will “Steal” the Sooners “Water”…

EDITORS NOTE: Even if you don’t get it, I thought it was clever as hell.

The Oklahoma State Cowboys will win the Conference Title.

Believe it..

BIG 10 (Or twenty four…) Conference

Let’s be honest with each other here…..

There are only a couple of teams that are worth a damn in the whole conference.

Michigan will make some noise, as will Michigan State and Iowa and to a lesser degree Penn State, but the cold hard truth is that Ohio State will win their division and Wisconsin the other, but like them or hate them, the Buckeyes are the class of the conference.

The Southeastern Conference (SEC)

Although the Eastern Division appears to be crowed with teams nearly identical in abilities and experience, there is only one team that stands ahead of the others in the division.

The Georgia Bulldogs

The division is theirs to win or lose.

But keep your eye on the Gators of Florida.

The Western Division of the Southeastern Conference is crowed at the top with LSU, Alabama and Auburn. All are talented and all have the ability to win the division and the conference.

I’m going to go with my beloved Alabama to win the Division and the Conference title.

But as I stated earlier, there won’t be an undefeated conference champion this year.

Believe it.

The PAC 12 Conference

Washington will win their respective division, unless they fall to Stanford on the Marine Corps Birthday on November 10th.

With little threat in the other division the Southern California Trojans should easily dance into the conference title game.

My pick for the conference champion will be the Washington Huskies

(With “one” loss, I might add)

The Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC)

In the words of the immortal wrestling icon “Nature Boy Rick Flair”

“To be THE man you have to BEAT the man.”

Although most if not all sports writers are picking Florida State to win the Atlantic Division, I am going with the Clemson Tigers.

EDITORS NOTE: Because they are THE man to beat; period.

I am picking what can be considered an “upset” in the Coastal Division as well…

I believe the Miami Hurricanes will win the division under second year Coach Mark Richt and lose a close game to the Clemson Tigers for the Conference title.

Louisville will threaten and disrupt the conference with surprising wins but they will lack consistency on defense and with the offensive line and receiving corps to pose a legitimate threat.

And as a side note, the ACC won’t have an undefeated conference champion either.

Believe it

The Sunbelt Conference

In honor of the passing of Greg Allman this past year, I will say this…

The Eagles of Georgia Southern will win the conference title and give the other teams in the conference the Statesboro Blues.

Enough Said…

Conference USA

There only two teams in their respective division worthy of mentioning for the championship of the conference.

The Golden Eagles of Southern Miss and the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers.

Despite having a change in coaching staff, Western Kentucky still has one of the best quarterbacks in all of college football.

I am going with Western Kentucky to win the Conference USA Title this season.

American Athletic Conference

I agree with the national sports writers on this one….

EDITORS NOTE: I know, it doesn’t happen very often…

The Houston Cougars under Coach Major Applewhite will win their division while the Golden Knights of Central Florida will win their division.

But the conference (once again) belongs to the Houston Cougars.

Next week….

Your long awaited “picks” will be out next week along with several articles throughout the week to keep you entertained and motivated.

You won’t be disappointed

So stay tuned….

One more thing….

If I haven’t mentioned it lately….

Thank you all for riding along with me for yet another college football season.

It means a lot to me that you enjoy the articles and the picks, because I write them for you, the reader.

There is more to come, so hang on.

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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