Ladies and Gentlemen –
The day has finally arrived…..
“No” I am not referring to Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator and “Doc” the Black Lab’s epic tale of survival during the apocalyptic solar eclipse this past week.
EDITORS NOTE: I won’t go into it here….
But I will tell you “Doc” was not happy wearing the tin foil hat and solar glasses.
No my friends and loyal readers….
It’s time for the kickoff of the 2017 College Football Season
Well, sort of…
The really big games aren’t until next week.
So look at these picks as an appetizer before next week’s main course.
Enjoy…
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
EDITORS NOTE: Apparently my commentary last week struck a nerve with some readers so this week’s emails are a mixed bag of questions concerning the commentary from last week, the recent celestial event and of course college football.
If you ask me I blame the insanity on the solar eclipse.
Q: You are the stupidest person on the planet!!!
Your article was ridiculous!! You don’t know anything about diversity and hardship!!
Burn in Hell
Anonymous – Lexington, Kentucky
A: For your information I know quite a bit about diversity and hardship
For example I will occasionally “switch” to light beer and in my house that also constitutes as hardship, just so you know.
Q: You think you are so damn smart!
You MAY be a long ways away but you are nothing more than a racist!
RACIST! RACIST! RACIST!
Anonymous – St Louis, Missouri
A: I never was much of a long distance racist if that’s what you are ramping up to..
I was always more of a hundred yard dash man myself.
Q: What do you know about discrimination?
Nothing!
You are a complete @#$Hole
Anonymous – Cairo, Illinois
A: How dare you sir or ma’am or undecided!
I have been color blind my entire life!
As a middle aged man that can’t dress himself without a color chart I know first hand about discrimination! But on the plus side, it’s not easy dressing like a mismatched clown, but I pull it off with style. At least that’s what I tell myself anyway.
Q: Hey listen, I have me a question.
Me and my family was a watching that eclipse on the television cause we didn’t want to get burned up, but here is my question.
Them people from NASA or whatever, kept saying there was a Corona here and a Corona there when they was a talking about the eclipse and none of use saw a damn Mexican beer anywhere.
To make matters even more confusing them folks kept saying we could see Venus and Uranus and we didn’t see none of them or that Mexican beer.
I think something weird is going on what do you think?
Reggie and Freda – Busted Knuckle, Tennessee
A: I’m sorry….
But, “Venus Uranus” sounds like the name of a big butted exotic dancer…
Q: Hey Mister Wizard Man
I got me a serious question, cause I’m a worried as a tom cat in a rocking chair factory.
I think my hamster “Geppetto” got himself temporary blinded in that eclipse.
He don’t want to get on his little exercise wheel since that lunar thing happened and he don’t look at me when I’m a talking to him! You got any suggestions?
Help!
Douglas J. III – Dahlonega, Georgia
A: I hate to break the bad news to you….
But since Jerry Lewis died this past week a “telethon for a cure” is out of the question…
Q: Dear Smartass
I don’t appreciate your using them words like “White Trash”
Sure me and my old man “Skeeter” that don’t work live in a trailer and use our money for tattoos, liquor and cigarettes but we come by that money from the government honestly!
He done got the PTSD from looking for work that he can’t get cause he’s been a jailbird, and I’m his a caregiver is what they call it and I get me a check too, cause I care for him and buy our weed from my check.
So it’s honest and there ain’t nothing wrong with that!!
It don’t matter that I smoked when I was a pregnant, it was only menthols anyway which don’t count. Just like drinking light beer ain’t really drinking when you is pregnant.
Stop using them words that you don’t know nothing about!
P.S. We looked up your so called book on the electric internet and it ain’t got no pictures in it; that’s why it ain’t no good.
Angela White – Crabapple, Tennessee
A: With the healthy dietary habits you described while pregnant, I can only imagine that if your child put on a football helmet that it could more than likely look out of both ear holes and floss its teeth with a number two pencil.
Q: Dear Sir
I am writing you today to get your opinion on a very serious matter.
As the Mayor of “Defeated, Tennessee” here in White County, we have decided to rename or “rebrand” our fair city and call it “Champions of Life, Tennessee”!
We feel that this rebranding will boost tourism, because after all who really wants to go to some place called “Defeated”? But it will also give the fine citizens here something to be proud of, just like what Coach Butch Jones has done at the University of Tennessee.
Our High School will go from being called the Defeated “Losers” to the Champions of Life “Winners”.
What do you think sir; we anxiously await your “winning” response!
Sincerely
Mayor Fred C. Willis – (Soon to be) Champions of Life, Tennessee
A: After receiving your letter and laughing hysterically for the better part of thirty minutes I am sorry to say that that my only response is….
“Whatch You Talking About Willis!”
Q: Dear Mr. Football Wizard
I got me one hell of a problem.
My wife Laura Beth has got her a big ole head.
I don’t mean she is arrogant or thinks she is better than everybody else.
I mean she has got a great big ole head.
Well, we was getting ready to watch that eclipse this past week and she wedged our spaghetti colander down on her head, you know to protect her from the rays of the sun.
Now we can’t get the damn thing off and I even put her head in a vice and tried to counter screw her head out of the damn thing and it wouldn’t budge!
Hell, I don’t know what to do! You got any ideas?
Paul Tomkins – Hopkinsville, Kentucky
A: Yes I do have a suggestion….
Keep Laura Beth inside the house during a lightening storm…
Q: My Good Man,
I am a prominent attorney with an unnamed law firm in Memphis and have been retained to represent a rather prominent former football coach out of the SEC.
It has been revealed through various sources that my client contacted an unnamed “Escort Service” and as a result of this revelation, was summarily dismissed from his position as head football coach.
What people fail to realize is that while my client did, in fact, contact this escort service, it was done with ONLY the best interest of the University in question in mind!!!
I mean, look at the scandals that have arisen from some universities’ “Hostess” programs. Why it’s just fraught with peril. By having Paid Professionals conduct the “hosting” activity for college recruits you remove risk from the University!!
And, as you may well know, many of these kids that are recruited and attend our fine universities just have no “experience” in, well, adult things. Well, the young ladies that this former head football coach sought to employ as hostesses could be looked at as anatomically correct, living, breathing, visual aids for those less experienced young men to benefit from!!!
So, as you can see, this big uproar over phone calls to escort services by my client is much ado about nothing. So, please, PLEASE urge your readers to be forgiving of this former coach. I mean, after all, it’s not like he’s Phil Fulmer or something.
Beauregard “Bubba” Baldwin
Unnamed Law Firm
Memphis, Tennessee
A: Your argument, although well thought out…
I have to point out one very important issue that you failed to mention
I don’t think the university budgeted for “professional” Hostesses…
If you know what I mean
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
ILLINOIS: This just in…..
The Fighting Illini still suck…..
And their marching band isn’t anything to write home about either
ESPN: If you haven’t heard this yet…
ESPN, in their infinite wisdom has decided to pull an Asian-American sportscaster named Robert Lee from assignment to a University of Virginia football game on 2 September because his name is similar to the Confederate general’s.
EDITORS NOTE: Next up…..
ALL Asian people with the last name of “Lee” (There can’t be that many of them, right?) will have to change their name, because you know. It’s offensive.
EDITORS NOTE II: Why stop there? Let’s get rid of….
Sara Lee
(Her frozen pastries are so good they just have to be racist)
Bruce Lee
(Most of his movies had voice over’s, so we don’t have ANY idea what he was really saying, the racist)
Jet Li
(I know it’s spelled different, but you pronounce it the SAME!)
AUSTIN PEAY STATE: I don’t know if you saw the interview on the NASA channel…
The engineering department from Austin Peay State University in Clarksville, Tennessee had a brief interview on the “study” they were going to conduct during the solar eclipse.
I will cut to the chase…
The “engineering” department tethered a 423 pound apparatus designed to study this or that to a balloon that was designed to (wait for it)….
Collapse at around ten thousand feet and “drop” the 423 pound device from the sky…
Professor Dumbass had this to say in the interview with NASA…
“It should land safely in a field or something and if you find it, just call the numbers on the side and we will retrieve it and extract all the atmospheric data from it.”
EDITORS NOTE: It “should” land safely? By the term “land” don’t you mean screaming from the sky like a meteor and slamming into “something”?
I can see it now; Grandma Sally is in her favorite chair with the remote control looking for “Wheel of Fortune” and WAM!
Right through the roof…..
I guess this just goes to prove what they have always said….
Tennessee and Engineering go together like Chinese food and Peanut Butter.
FSU: You may have heard….
There is trouble at FSU
NO not “that” FSU…
The other FSU
I am talking about Full Sail University online…
Apparently the NCAA is investigating grades being altered for their online athletes from the audio production and digital cinematography departments.
A spokesperson for the FSU “Sails” Athletic Department Reginald “Geek Boy” Hopper had this to say concerning the NCAA probe into the universities online athletics.
“We informed the NCAA that there was nothing to see here. I mean literally there is nothing to see, we are an online university, like we don’t have buildings and stuff.”
This investigation should not hinder their opening game with the DeVry University online Devils next weekend. More on this story as it develops.
HEISMAN HOUSE: The “new” Nissan Heisman House commercials involving the testing and driving of the new Nissan line of trucks with former Heisman trophy winners and unsuspecting fans was postponed this past week, due to former Heisman trophy winner and Auburn Great, Bo Jackson running over and totaling one of the new Nissan pickup trucks.
Although the Nissan Corporation has yet to release a statement, former Oklahoma standout linebacker Brian Bosworth did have this to say concerning the “incident” with Bo Jackson and the Nissan pickup truck.
“I could have told them that would have happened if they would have asked”
LSU: The Mighty Tigers of LSU has a prospective new mascot…..
His given name at birth was Harvey…
But if all goes well with the university veterinary staff he’ll soon be known as Mike the Tiger or more appropriately Mike VII.
Mike VII will be replacing Mike VI who died last October after waging a fierce four month battle with cancer. To be honest, it still hurts my heart to think about it.
At just 11 months of age, Harvey has a lot to learn about being Mike VII. Fortunately for him, though, Mike VI left behind some tips for him to follow.
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator had the opportunity to see what Mike VI left behind and I will share it with you readers here.
“Hello, Mike VII.”
“Welcome to LSU”
“Sorry I’m not around to show you the ropes, but we Siberian Bengals are pretty sharp.”
“You’ll pick things up fine.”
“First, it’s important to develop a good, long-lasting relationship with the head coach even though you’ll have much greater job security than he’ll ever have. I don’t know this Ed Orgeron guy too well. He talks kinda funny, but so did my guy, Les Miles. Miles used to stop by after practice and we’d munch on some grass together. Good dude.”
“But as for you, remember, you’re the boss. If you don’t want to sit through the Chattanooga game, no one’s gonna make you. Half the season-ticket holders won’t show up for that one anyway. Why should you? Save yourself for Auburn and Arkansas and A&M. On the afternoon of the Chattanooga game, just act like you’ve got a stomach ache. They’re not gonna try and force you to do anything you don’t want to do, it’s the privilege of being Mike the Tiger.”
“You might be thinking about stage fright. You’re bound to have some, especially in the beginning. There are going to be lots of people in that stadium that you will come to know as Death Valley and they’re going to be looking for you.”
“All you have to do is when they wheel you around the stadium is roar a few times and everybody will be happy. The fans’ expectations are a lot lower for you than they are for the football team. If you growl a little louder when you pass the other team’s bench, all the better. Listen for people yelling, “Tiger bait! Tiger bait!” That’s your cue.”
“Now for the good stuff. You’ll be very well fed. You’ll be universally loved and feared. You’ll have your own personal vet and the kids from the vet school are great.”
“All in all, it’s really a pretty easy gig and it hasn’t changed much in 83 years.”
GEAUX TIGERS
“Love you little brother, “
“Mike VI.”
THE GAMES
EDITORS NOTE: With all the talk of changing this or that because someone is offended and the overused words of “Diversity” and “Inclusiveness” in our everyday lives, I think it’s important to look ahead to the future, before we change everything for the sake of “Today”.
That being said…..
I present….
Your Politically Correct College Football Picks for Week 1
Saturday 26 August
Oregon State at Colorado State
This contest is between the Beavers and the Rams in beautiful Colorado and its legalized marijuana, which as we know by now is healthy and safe for consumption.
However this contest should not be allowed to continue, why?
“Beavers” is a derogatory term used for, well you know and what about our transgendered citizens that either don’t have one or want one but can’t get one?
That’s wrong on so many levels….
Then we have the “Rams”, which is FAR too masculine a term that it can’t be supported.
If I MUST choose…
TRANS-BEAVERS 34-31
Portland State at Brigham Young
Vikings and Cougars….
This game causes me a great deal of consternation.
Although I support the ongoing protest efforts in Portland Oregon, you know to destroy the country we love; they should really change their name from “Vikings” to something more inclusive. After all there weren’t any female or transgendered Vikings, soooo.
Then we have the Mormon people….
I don’t know where to begin with this group of close minded conservatives; they might as well be from Arkansas.
It pains me to the center of my Dream Catcher to pick this game….
COUGARS 41-10
Chattanooga at Jacksonville State
I threw up three times before attempting to make this “Pick” because it’s SO offensive.
My trembling fingers will attempt to get through this…
This game is between the Chattanooga “Moc’s” and the Jacksonville “Gamecocks”
What does “Moc” stand for, I ask you?
Mockery! As in mocking people because of the color of their skin and immigration status and sexual orientation!
Why don’t they just call themselves the “Chattanooga Bigots”!!!
Then, we have the Jacksonville State “Gamecocks” a name used for endearment for several racist leaders in the American Revolution and Civil War to “supposedly” denote bravery. Well it doesn’t take bravery to be a slave owner!!
I have already said too much and I’m feeling nauseous again….
GAMECOCKS 33-31
Hawaii at Massachusetts
Finally a game between two states that actually get it!!
Rainbows! Rainbows! Rainbows!
IF only Massachusetts were called the “Unicorns”!
RAINBOWS 38-28
Texas Southern at Florida A&M
These two traditional African American Colleges that have been the victims of “sports misappropriation” as other colleges have “stolen” better athletes and enslaved them into their programs to showcase their talents for the nation in a shameful display of athleticism.
My heart is bleeding for them both…
RATTLERS 34-14
South Florida at San Jose State
Here we go again…..
This game is slated to be between the “Bulls” and the “Spartans”
One is far too masculine….
The other glorifies the mythical warrior culture.
They should change the name of their mascots to the “Pinks” and the “Purples”
IF I MUST choose….
BULLS 31-28
Stanford at Rice
Two liberal bastions of thought and progressiveness meet on the field of friendship and inclusiveness to celebrate diversity and love. But sadly this game is being played in Germany which as we all know is home to all Nazi’s.
CARDINAL 41-10
Thursday 31 August
Florida International at Central Florida
Seriously people….
Panthers, which are ENDANGERED and Golden Knights which are encouraging some sort of outdated and antiquated male dominance! This is ridiculous!
These picks are making me want to go to my safe space.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-17
Presbyterian at Wake Forest
O Great, another one….
Before we go ANY further its’ important to note that both of these teams are located where? In the South, which makes them racist, just look at their names!
The Blue Hose of Presbyterian, really?
A religious college that enslaves prostitutes that are freezing from the cold and they use that name for their mascot! That is simply despicable!
Then Wake’s “Demon Deacons”
I am now declaring my entire office a “Safe Zone”! Hate be Gone!
DEMON DEACONS 38-10
Austin Peay at Cincinnati
I happened to know a person named Austin that suffers from incontinence so I cannot and will not support this college that is so uncaring and insensitive to make them blind to the needs of others.
BEARKATS 41-17
Buffalo at Minnesota
Are we blind to everything people?
The Buffalo Bulls, really?
This celebration of male dominance is sickening.
GOLDEN GOPHERS 51-10
Tennessee State at Georgia State
Tigers and Panthers, both are endangered species due to ignorance of global warming.
It hurts my heart right down to my Sierra Club membership card.
PANTHERS 33-31
Rhode Island at Central Michigan
Although I strongly support Rhode Island’s history of inclusiveness and diversity I must support our Native American brothers and sisters.
CHIPPEWA’S 44-10
Tulsa at Oklahoma State
At least one of these colleges “Get’s It”
The Golden Hurricanes have adopted this appropriate nickname to denote climate change and the need for more awareness around the globe for sustainable environmental equality.
As for the “Cowboys” of Oklahoma State…..
The name alone denotes the celebration of the destruction of Native Americans as well as the promotion of everything anti-diversity and anti-inclusive and transgendered.
I feel like I need a quiet moment before making this pick….
COWBOYS 49-21
North Dakota at Utah
Well at least North Dakota was forced to change their name from “The Fighting (You know what’s) to something more neutral gender, like “Fighting Hawks”.
Although I still don’t support fighting in any form, at least this is a start until we force them to change it again to the “Loving Multi-cultured Hawks”.
As far as Utah goes, I am not sure what a “Ute” actually is, but it sounds very “Trans-Equality” to me so I will go with…
UTES 44-17
Delaware State at Delaware
I have been informed that this particular game is a “Rivalry Game”
Although I am against using such words as they promote fear mongering…
Nonetheless…
This game is known by unenlightened fans as…
“The Route 1 Rivalry” and it’s played for the First State Cup
Sadly, everyone doesn’t get a trophy, which demonstrates their lack of inclusiveness
BLUE HENS 34-24
Ohio State at Indiana
I am struggling emotionally with this particular pick…..
We have the “Hoosiers” from Indiana and from the name alone it sounds like one is questioning another person’s sexual identity or gender preference.
Then we have the “Buckeyes” which I won’t even to begin to address the egregiousness of this so called mascot, other than to say have you seen the Brutus mascot?
I have never in my entire life seen something so offensive to someone with disabilities!!
The ginormous head and the arms that flail in every direction!!
I feel like I am going to throw up again…
BUCKEYES 44-21
Florida A&M at Arkansas
The Rattlers from the traditional African American college in Florida have the unenviable task of playing against the most intolerant Islamophbics in the entire country!
Their mascot is a HOG, which is PORK!
I am crying inside right now because of this level of escalated hate from Arkansas!
RAZORBACKS 38-10
New Mexico State at Arizona State
I must confess, picking these intolerant and unenlightened colleges is exhausting.
First we must address New Mexico State’s mascot “Pistol Pete”.
Must this mascot be so masculine and carry firearms?
Couldn’t we go back to the gender neutral “Lasso Larry” mascot?
Maybe even call the mascot “Lasso Lucille”, but still allow the mascot to have facial hair.
That was just a thought….
The Arizona State mascot the “Sun Devil” seems to celebrate even encourage global warming, they might as well have a cheer that says “DIE Polar Bears DIE!”
I would write more but I’m late for my protest march…
SUN DEVILS 49-10
EDITORS NOTE: Laugh now…..
But it’s coming
Believe it
Next Week…
Nearly every single day next week there will be something on The CFB Wizard to keep you entertained and motivated right up until kickoff, and don’t forget your next week’s picks for all the big games will be out on Thursday, just have you come to expect from your favorite college football prognosticator.
So Stay Tuned….
One More Thing…
Next week you also have a “new” story on Mikerights.com and Your Week 2 College Football Picks and not to over do it, but thank you all for riding along with My Black Lab “Doc” and I for another football season.
We Appreciate It.
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD