THE 2017 PRESEASON EXTRAVAGANZA PART II

August 11, 2017
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Let’s not waste any time on the normal frivolities and introductions

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is back with…

Part II of Your College Football Preseason Extravaganza.

As you have come to expect, there is something here to offend just about anyone that is looking to be offended.

Let’s get to it…

Enjoy….

THE CFB WIZARD SPONSORS

Here at The CFB Wizard LLC Headquarters sponsors and sponsorships are important to our daily operations and to the production of the weekly picks and prognostications as well as keeping the staff gainfully employed. It’s a machine and we need sponsors to make it all happen for you, the readers.

That being said….

We would like to welcome two of our new sponsors to The CFB Wizard Family.

Fashion Art

These fine people have high-end quality women’s clothing for all sizes and shapes with various locations across the United States and Canada. Check them out online or at one of their many stores, you won’t be disappointed.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, I know…But it’s Fashion Art, NOT Fashion Fart.

Vermont Maple Syrup

We may disagree on football teams this time of year, but there is one thing that we can all agree on, there is no finer maple syrup than that produced in the great state of Vermont.
It is so good; it will make you want to smack Mrs. Butterworth in the mouth.

EDITORS NOTE: I get it; it looks like a guy peeing in a bucket. I am not responsible for the sponsor’s choice of graphics, just endorsing their product. So please no emails, just purchase some Vermont Pee Syrup from your local grocery store.

THE BAD NEWS…..

I get a lot of emails from a variety of college football fans from around the country.

They ask a lot of questions about a number of topics, but they all have one thing in common. They all want to know one thing.

“Will (fill in the blank) make it into the college football playoffs this year?”

Let’s be honest with each other, this isn’t soccer so everybody doesn’t get a trophy.

There can only be a few teams that survive the gauntlet of the college football season.

So as much as it pains me, here is a brief list of teams that don’t have a snowballs chance in Miami Beach of making the 2017 college football playoffs.

Sorry, but the truth hurts sometimes.

The Big 12 (Light) Conference
(Sorry, but NO conference title game, means NO shot at the big time)

The Ivy League
(We all hate you diversity politically correct loving butt hurt dirty hippies)

North Carolina…..
(Duke, Wake Forest, Tar Heels or Wolfpack it doesn’t matter, not going to make it. Sorry…)

California….
(None of you are going to make it in the playoffs. Sorry, but not really)

Everybody in the Big Ten (Or whatever the number is..) Conference other than…
Michigan and Ohio State
(I know that I am being the “Master of the Obvious” here….Sorry)

EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” Penn State and Iowa that includes you too.

No teams from the Commonwealth of Kentucky either…..
(They are known for their racehorses and basketball, so sorry…NO)

The Commonwealth of Virginia
(Please see above and replace “racehorses and basketball” with meth use and taxes)

Certainly there are other college football teams than stand the same chance of making the college football playoffs as a nutty buddy ice cream cone has of making it out of a weight watchers meeting.

Those teams will be detailed in the next couple of weeks in the yearly prognostications and predictions. So stay tuned…

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard

My family and I are loyal Carolina Gamecock fans and we are taking our first ever road trip this year to see our beloved Gamecocks play Tennessee on October 14th in Knoxville.

So here is my question….

My wife went online and discovered that crime in Knoxville is Horrible!

We have already purchased the tickets for the game and are committed to going.

Do you have any suggestions in regards to protection while in the Knoxville area?

P.S. We love your book “Sunnyside Up”!!

Thank you

The Stevens Family – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Thank for the kind words on my book “Sunnyside Up”

Your question is a valid one Stevens Family as crime in Knoxville has soared recently; many feel this is due to Fat Phil Fulmer’s return to campus which will be discussed later in this article.

However to answer your question directly, the best form of self defense that one can use in Knoxville is one that perhaps you haven’t considered.

When in or around Knoxville it’s always best to carry a banjo with you, in the event of any “trouble” all you have to do is throw the musical instrument towards the “threat” and either the individual or group designated as the “threat”, will be too consumed with playing the theme from “Deliverance” to notice your timely escape from danger.

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

As I’m sure you know by now, I’m not the head football coach at Ole Miss anymore.

Yeah, I know, the buzzards are circling, but I’m going to tell you this right now. I am going to land on my feet.

And, son, I’m here to tell you how.

I’m going to write a book!!! And that’s why I’m writing you, because you’re a big name author now and you know all the ins and outs.

So, here’s the whole premise behind my new book, which by the way, will sell a million copies. Okay, picture this. There’s this young, blonde, downtrodden, supplely built, attractive yet ruddy cheeked young lady from Detroit, Michigan.

Oh, and she’s built like a brick house, if you know what I mean. Yeah, she’s going through a hard time. And you know what she resorts too? Selling her body, which is sad, I get it.

Well, I get to know this young lady from, well you know, phone calls, clandestine meetings behind my wife’s back, little rendezvous at the no-tell motel, stuff like that. And I help her out! It’s actually a true story, kind of sort of.

I know this will be a best seller and I’ve got the perfect name for it. You ready for this? The Blonde Side!!! Get it? The Blonde Side, just like that lady’s book that she wrote about when I was a high school coach!!! So what do you think, Wizard, is this going to jump off the shelves or what? Let me know something
 
Hugh Freeze
Soon to be Renowned Author and Former Football Coach
Oxford, Mississippi

A: Thank you for the email coach and your kind comments concerning by book.

I would suggest you writing something more autobiographical and entitle it….

“The story of a Hypocritical Dumbass”

Or

“How I went from a five million dollar a year job to selling Amway products”

Q: Dear Sir-

I have been truly saddened by the news out of Baton Rouge that LSU “may” lose their mascot Mike the Tiger to political correctness.

He provided inspiration to a football team and an entire fan base. I understand that they currently have a worldwide search going on for a new tiger mascot, and I am here to help.

You see, life has not been kind to me lately. I lost my wife a few years ago in a messy divorce and I haven’t been competitive in the world of golf since that time.

And, if truth be told, I’m having financial difficulties because of that lack of success on the links. So, I’m here to offer my services as the LSU Tiger’s NEW MASCOT!!!

I mean, I am the perfect mascot!!! I am live!!!

I can paint stripes on my body and roam the sidelines with no danger of hurting anyone. AND, LSU doesn’t have to worry about housing or feeding me! (Of course, it would be expected that they would pay food and lodging expenses for an apartment for me in Baton Rouge during football season)

So, what do you think, sir?
Would you please give me an endorsement so that I have a fighting chance?
I’m desperate!!!
 
Tiger Woods
PGA Champion
Orlando, Florida

A: You may be behind the power curve on this one Tiger…

I have on good authority that LSU is interviewing former announcer Marv Albert for the position of a “Live Mascot” for the university as he has been known to bite.

Q: Hey there Mister Coollege Football man!!!
 
My name is Ron Samford, like the University, but I don’t pull for them like I do my AUBRUN TIGRES!!!! You know what? I’m slap FAMOUS now!!!

Heck yeah!!!! And if you don’t know why well here’s tha reason!!!

Yessirreee bobtail!!!

That’s me’n my dawg TIGRE JAKE standin in tha lobby of that motel tha SEC METEOR DAYS was helt in. Onliest reason I can tell that they call it Meteor Days is causa all the AUBRRUN TIGRES that’s gonna be runnin up an downa field on Albama this year like a SHOOTIN’ STAR!!!

HELL YEAH!!! Man, let me tellya what, it takes me a whole dang day ta git my dog Fifi (THAT’s her reAl name) all painted up an stuff ta look like a TigRe. An lemme tellya what, She aint even got that cancer she got from a couple years ago cause I changed tha dye I used and tha vet cut out all them lumps she had.
 
So, all ahs got ta say now is ta LOOK OUT FAR MY ABRUN TRigers an looke For ME AND TIGAR JAKE ON GAMEDAY NEXT SEASIN!!!
 
RON SaMFROD
AUBUN TIGGER FAN!!!

A: Maybe it’s just me….

But attempting to read your rambling misspelled diatribe damn near gave me a seizure

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

Straight up, will you have anything good to say about New Mexico this season?

Jose’ – Socorro, New Mexico

A: Indeed I do Jose’!

After confirming with the research staff here at The CFB Wizard, I can confidently say that New Mexico now has 57% fewer kidnappings than Old Mexico.

Congratulations!

Q: Just a simple question and please don’t bash me too hard over it.

With all the turmoil and dissention on the campus of Missouri, do you think we have a shot at going to a bowl game this year?

Thanks

Matt – Columbia, Missouri

A: Here you go Matt….

I think this sums it up nicely

Q: Dear sir,

I am Professor Leonard J. Beauregard Higgins, of the Vanderbilt Department of Psychology, Social Justice, and Placation at Vanderbilt University.

For years, we have had to endure the slings and arrows of being a downtrodden football program. We endure endless jokes of our “fruitless pursuits” on the football field and have been made to feel sorrowful due to the shortcomings of our football program.

But I am here to tell you that there is a reason for all of this.

We are the victims of Athletic Privilege.

By now we should all know and be aware of the definition of White Privilege.

By the accident of birth, being born white is the ticket to privilege and success.

Well, Athletic Privilege is similar. This type of privilege is that by being born athletic, one is guaranteed a place at the University of Alabama’s or LSU’s of the athletic world.

By not being born athletic, an individual will most likely be doomed to failure by being limited in their athletic choices to institutions like Vanderbilt, Northwestern, or, God forbid, Tennessee.

I bring this to your attention to let you know that you should stop your athlete-ist taunts of this fine institution. As we bring this more into consciousness and as the debilitating effects of Athletic Privilege is understood, I’m sure you’ll agree that we need to celebrate diversity.

We should level the playing field. And a good start would be to give institutions like Vanderbilt at 10 point advantage to start every football game. I know that you agree that football is a wonderful distraction and spectacle. Let’s let everyone participate and have a good time by recognizing the need to correct the bias and bigotry of Athletic Privilege

Leonard J. Beauregard Higgins
Department of Psychology, Social Justice, and Placation
Vanderbilt University 

A: Does this mean that the Commodores will be playing their upcoming home games in a “Safe Zone”? Just asking…


COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

NOTRE DAME: I’m not sure if many of you are aware of this outside of Southbend

It certainly wasn’t a “Big Deal” on ESPN or any other sports or news outlets.

The Great Notre Dame Coach Ara Parseghian passed away last week at the age of 94.

According to his youngest son Mike, Coach Parseghian recited a poem before he died that he used to tell his Irish teams after victories in his 11 year coaching career with Notre Dame.

“Remember this your whole life through

That tomorrow there will be more to do.

And failure waits for all who stay

With some success made yesterday

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is the future.”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said….

You will never be forgotten Coach, thank you for the memories.

ALABAMA: Recently the Legendary Coach of the 1992 Crimson Tide National Championship and one of Coach Bryant’s original “Junction Boys”, Coach Gene Stallings had suffered a minor stroke.

Coach Stallings is recovering well, and we want to wish him and his family well.

We love you Coach, get well soon.

BAYLOR: Recently the Bears Football team attended a required “Rape Awareness” Class in an effort to change as one member of the athletic department stated “To change the culture of what had transpired on campus in recent years.”

One member of the Baylor Bears football team had this to say after the class….

“Yeah, like I don’t need me no class to be aware of rape, we all text each other, you know and talk about it and the next one is at midnight tonight.”

EDITORS NOTE: Those classes certainly appear to be helping….

OLE MISS: I was going to have something witty to say here……

But instead I will just speak from my heart.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

NCAA: This has to be the dumbest damn video I have ever seen come from the NCAA…

Enjoy…

EDITORS NOTE: So does this mean there won’t be anymore Women’s Olympic sports or signal the end of the WNBA? It’s a reasonable question…

ESPN: The best news we could possibly receive for college football game day on ESPN.

The Great Coach Lee Corso will return for another college football season on ESPN’s College Game Day set, performing his legendary mascot headgear selections at the end of each telecast.

Speaking for everyone, College Football Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

We are so glad you are BACK for another season Coach.

Now, if we could only find a way to remove “Howling” Beth Mowin’s tongue….

College Football Saturday’s would be perfect.

OHIO STATE: From the “Michigan Sucks” File…

It was recently reported in the Columbus Dispatch…

A comatose Ohio State fan still hates Michigan..

It’s not exactly a miracle, but given the circumstances an Ohio State fan gave his family something to smile about.

Zach Lawrence, a 38-year-old Buckeyes fan from Dublin, Ohio had suffered a traumatic brain injury in an automobile accident while in the Republic of Georgia and was in a coma when he was brought back to the U.S. to continue treatment.

That’s when things took a turn.

While recuperating at Dodd Hall Rehabilitation Center at Ohio State University, the Dublin resident was given one button to push for “yes” and another to push for “no.”

“Do you like Michigan?” he was asked.

Lawrence immediately pushed the “no” button. And then, just to make sure everyone had heard him the first time, he pushed it again.

EDITORS NOTE: Just to clarify…

Zach pressed the “No” button twice because he didn’t have a “HELL NO” button.

“He always makes a face when we mention Michigan,” said his wife, Meghan. “We’re pretty sure he’s in there.”

That’s a far cry from where they thought he’d be. When Lawrence returned to the United States on April 19, the family was told “that chances of him waking up were pretty slim, pretty much nonexistent,” Meghan Lawrence said.

That feels like a win for Ohio State … but also for Michigan, too.

According to the story, Zach Lawrence continues to make progress.

Get well Zack and Go Bucks.

TERRY BRADSHAW: This past spring Terry Bradshaw quarterback of the great Pittsburg Steelers of the NFL stated on an Alabama Radio station.

“Coach Saban at Alabama makes too much money. There is no reason to pay anybody that kind of money.”

EDITORS NOTE: My friends this is what the early signs of dementia and CTE look like. It’s sad really…

OREGON: Congratulations are in order for the Mighty Ducks of Oregon!

This past spring they were given a prestigious award from the Lions Club of America as their uniforms have been determined to be the leading cause of blindness for television viewers from September through December of each year.

TENNESSEE: He’s BACK……….

Coach Phil Fulmer is “back” on campus of the University of Tennessee as a “special advisor” to the President for Community, Athletics and University Relations”.

EDITORS NOTE: This position is code for “Nark on Coach Butch Jones”

This “part-time” position pays over 100K per year and as you might imagine Coach Phil has a rather healthy “expense allowance” that he can dip into for “entertainment.”

While many Volunteer fans are celebrating the Fat Man’s return it’s important to note a few “minor” incidents during his tenure on Beacon Hill that would make the events that transpired at Baylor pale in comparison.

Two words….

Antwan Stewart

Remember him?

He was the Volunteer player that raped an underage mentally challenged girl in the athletic dorm. You might remember that the evening the crime was reported Coach Phil and his personal attorney met with the witnesses at a local Shoney’s restaurant before the Knoxville police could interview them.

Coach Phil later said, he was “looking into the allegations….” and “would handle everything in house.”

EDITORS NOTE: Apparently “rape” isn’t a crime if you were a starter at the University of Tennessee under Coach Fulmer.

How about the “Walking Class” that was instituted for the football players needing a boost in their grade point average? Do you remember the names of the players that “failed” the walking class and got a chance to make up their grades by walking a mile?

Speaking of grades….

Do you remember when allegations of “grade changing” for football players were brought to light by other students and professors? To be more specific football players grades were changed from “F’s” to A’s”.

The Chancellor of the University defended the “practice” by stating….

“It’s not unusual to correct a students grades when they feel they should have gotten a higher grade, we do this routinely for all our students.”

EDITORS NOTES: Realllllllllllllllllllllllllly?

O’ the memories of crime and corruption on Rocky Top under good ole Phil Fulmer!

I could go on and on…..

But let this be said and you can take this one to the bank…

Fat Phil’s hiring spells the end of the Butch Jones era.

He will cut Butch Jones throat in mid-season just like he did his boss, Johnny Majors.

And remember this…..

I told you so.

TEXAS: Although there is a great deal of optimism in Austin over the hiring of Coach Herman to lead the Longhorns, it’s important to note that the “Honeymoon” will be short lived if they drop two of their first three games.

Then he and the Longhorns will go from the toast of the town to “Herman’s Hermits”

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….

“Yes” that was a sixties musical reference, you are welcome.

AUBURN: Meanwhile on the Plains of Auburn….

AUSTIN PEAY: One of the best promotion videos for any college or university anywhere has to be from the Governors of Austin Peay.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know what it is about this video, but I have a sudden urge to go to the bathroom.


DELTA STATE: If Austin Peay’s promotion video is one of the best, then the nod for the best university promotion video is courtesy of “The Fighting Okra” of Delta State.

Fear The Okra

MICHIGAN: This just in…..

Coach Jim Harbaugh is still annoying as hell…..

Next Week….

You will have Preseason Prognostications and Predictions and a few more tidbits to keep you entertained right up until the opening kickoff.

So stay tuned..

One More Thing….

If you haven’t taken the time to read the “new” story on Mikerights.com then you don’t know what you are missing.

If it doesn’t get a laugh out of you, then I can’t help you.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

 

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