College Football Picks Week 8

October 21, 2015

Ladies and Gentlemen –

You don’t have to tell me…

I know that I missed all the “Upset Specials” last week

Some of you were even kind enough to point out that you were “Upset” about it and called me something along the lines of “Special” or words to that effect.

There is no point in discussing my “special” short bus rides to school

It would only distract us, to the important business at hand

So let’s get right to it

Weekend Rewind….

You know, people come up to me all the time and say “Excuse me THE CFB Wizard…”

Which is odd since that isn’t my real name

I prefer to be called “Your Royal Prognosticator-ness” or even “Doctor Thunder Monkey”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me on the last one there…

I needed the money at the time….

Sorry I was distracted there for a minute….

People ask me frequently how I handle adversity, particularly after last weekend’s picks….

So in case you didn’t already know….

Last week the mighty Bison of North Dakota State got buffaloed, the Ouachita Baptist were baptized and my beloved Fighting Okra of Delta State got fried and meanwhile St Olaf won the Goat trophy and I got the goat.

Yeah I would say that summed up last week quite well.

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 46 and 16 or 74%.
Without hitting a single “Upset Special” (I know I can’t believe it myself)

That leaves The CFB Wizard thus far at 401 and 81 or 83% for the season.

So how do I handle adversity?

It rhymes with “Shmal-Alcohol”


Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!
The Telfair Trojans started the weekend right as they headed South to Pearson, Georgia for a skirmish with the Runnin’ Rebels of Atkinson County. Our Boys in Blue jumped out in front by a 20-6 score by halftime and never looked back as they celebrated a 41-12 hard fought road win. The Gladiators of South Third have evened their Region 2A tally and sit at 2-2, 4-3 overall. Big Khamari Rowe was a stalwart on the defense as he pretty much lived in the Atkinson County backfield for most of the game. Big Bruiser Brandon Mackey again carried a huge part of the offensive load as the elusive back ran up and down the field at will. Coach Matt Burleson now has the unenviable task of getting the Trojans up for another tough road game in the form of the Charlton County Swamp Injuns down in Folkston, Georgia. Charlton is sporting a 5-1 overall record and sits at 3-1 in the conference. They’re looking at notching another feather in their bonnets as we’re on tap to be the Homecoming opponent for this perennial power of 2A. Let’s all load up those cars and trucks, head down to the Okefenokee, and track mud all over their wigwams Friday night and completely spoil the festivities!!!
The Red Clay Hounds took the bus West to take on the Black Cats of Columbia, Mo on Saturday and the absence of Nick Chubb could not have been more apparent. The Dawgs could only muster 120 yards on the ground and the Cow College escaped on this day with a 9-6 win. QB Greyson Lambert had pedestrian numbers in the victory but this is a team that is reeling from the loss of their Heisman Trophy candidate who went out last week with a knee injury. The Dawgs take a week off to lick their wounds and prepare for the Cocktail Party and the Reptiles of Gainesville on the 31st. Let’s see if Georgia can shake off this pall that seems to be over the team and keep this train headed in the right direction. 

And it looks like the Trade School has turned into the train Wreck as it reeled off a 5th straight exercise in futility Saturday in falling the the “mighty” Panthers of Pittsburgh by a 31-28 scored. The offense pretty much did its job but the D took another vacation in the defeat, one of the longest streaks ever at North Avenue. Things don’t appear to get any easier for the preseason favorites to win their Division, as Coach Jimbo Fisher’s Injuns of Leon County get ready to invade Grant Field. Looking at the schedule it’s conceivable that there may be only one more win in the stars for Coach Paul Johnson’s Insects. 

But, don’t feel dejected football fans, cause just a few short miles west of Savannah there’s another team that is rambling on all cylinders and appears headed for their second straight Sun Belt Championship. Coach Willie Fritz’s Blue Birds of Prey reeled off another convincing win, this time against the Agriculturalists of New Mexico State. Matt “The Bruiser” Breida provided the body blows as he chipped in 137 of the Eagles’ 507 total rushing yards in a game that got out of control by halftime. Kevin Ellison completed 2 passes for 64 yards but his arm wasn’t needed as 10 different Birds contributed on the ground. Up next for the Eagles is a trip to Boone, NC for a much anticipated showdown with old SoCon rival App State on Thursday night in prime time. This one is on ESPNU, so don’t miss a minute, as the two newest members of the Sun Belt line up to slug it out and show the rest of the members of the Conference how things are done. 

Can’t wait for this one!!!
Things I think:
Bama vs A&M – Look, I had no dog in this fight but something was going on in this one. I counted at least a half dozen “no calls” by the zebras in this one, none more egregious than the play that almost took the head off of the Bama Quarterback. Was that someone’s idea of “keeping it interesting” for sponsorship dollars?
Bama vs A&M II – I hate watching Bama when they’re playing angry. 
Michigan – You’re not back yet. But with that being said. You’re definitely headed in the right direction
Southern Cal – From the looks of it, you’re not going to be back any time soon. 
Florida – Losing Grier hurt, but Harris was serviceable. Keep coaching him up, Jim
South Carolina – Good win for their new Coach Sean Elliott. The visor tribute before the 2001 entrance was a nice touch, too.
Ole Miss – The Bama hangover still lingers. This one falls officially into “head scratcher” territory.
LSU – A warmup and bye week before November  7th. It’s going to take more than Fournette and a fake FG, I’m afraid.
Stanford – Don’t look now, but they’re silently sneaking up the polls
Ohio State – That was a little more convincing, but November is just around the corner.
Baylor/TCU – Interesting that this game falls on the last weekend of the season. Except for 2013 the game has traditionally been played much earlier. Still, with no conference championship, you may be a bridesmaid once again.
Week 8 – Should be relatively drama free with only one Top 25 matchup between A&M and Ole Miss.
The Polls – In weeks 4 and 5, Michigan State sat at number 2. Since that time they dropped to number 7 in the AP Poll with wins over then number 7 Oregon and last weeks number 12 Michigan. Yet, Ohio State, with “impressive” wins over…… unranked Virginia Tech and Penn State is still sitting at number 1? And there’s no bias? Even a Northern team with a more impressive resume gets more love.
The CFB Committee – I’ll tolerate the B.S. in the polls until these folks meet.
Well, That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth




O.K. so what’s with the male cheerleaders, sorry I meant “Yell Leaders”, in the 1950’s milkman uniforms? Then there is all the Richard Simmons hand waving or “Jazz Hands” if you will by those “guys” and the “Charlie’s Angels” impersonations like their hands are guns or something or another.

What’s that all about?

I am just saying…

Seeing that display last Saturday afternoon made my “Gay-Dar” spike

That’s all I’m going to say about it

Seriously, not another word out of me on that subject

But just one last word…

“IF” Elton John, George Michael and Boy George were in a car together and they drove by and saw those “Yell Leaders” doing their thing, I think even they would say that was gay as hell.

O.k. I’m done


Dear CBS Sports

I want college football commentators Gary Danielson and Vern Lunquest to have their lips sewn shut for the next three months.

I am willing to pay for said procedure and have taken the liberty of contacting my taxidermist to perform the operation on a date (soonest) that it can be arranged between all parties.

This should not impede the pair’s ability to commentate during college football games; on the contrary they have talked out of their ass for as long as I have heard them.

The CFB Wizard


Speaking of cheerleaders….

I saw the Hoosier “cheerleaders” a week ago….

The last time I saw mouths like that, they had bit’s in their mouths

As we like to say in the South, I am sure those girls are “sweet”

But damn, those gals are uglier than a turd in a bunch bowl

I hate to think what their homecoming queen looks like


From the “You are doing it wrong” file

Last week when Michigan State defeated the Michigan Wolverines on a last second play
The entire team jumped on top of the young player that picked up the Michigan punt and scored a touchdown, dislocating his hip and breaking several bones in the process of “celebrating”

Listen closely….

When you hurt one of your own players celebrating…..

As in he is out for the year (or longer…)

Then you are clearly “doing it” wrong


This week’s prestigious Funkadelic award goes to this Tennessee Football Player


I don’t know what that hair-do is either but it’s definitely Funkadelic

Go on with your bad self


Tuesday, October 20

Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas State
I have such a good feeling on this one…

Thursday, October 22

Temple at East Carolina
The Pirates season was sunk about three weeks ago…
OWLS 31-21

Valdosta State at Shorter
Although I am not that tall myself, I sympathize with Shorter here…
(It just needed to be said)

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
Although it is well documented that I am an “Appalachian-American”
(Don’t make do a banjo “drive-by” on you…I’m serious)
But these are the Bad Birds from Statesboro

California at UCLA
I can’t help but wonder….
Is a “Bruin Bear”, a bear that likes to drink beer?
I can support that

Friday, October 23

Memphis at Tulsa
There is no let down this week for the Tigers from Elvis-Land
Thank you, Thank you very much….

Utah State at San Diego State
I don’t get San Diego’s mascot of the “Aztec”
How about something more appropriate for the area?
Like for example….
“The Smog’s”
“The Illegal Aliens”
“The High as Hell Property Taxes”
“The All Jacked Up’s”
(It’s just an idea, that’s all I’m saying)
AGGIES 34-21

Saturday, October 24

Kansas at Oklahoma State
I believe this may actually be the halftime score…
COWBOY UP! 66-10

Florida State at Georgia Tech
I am afraid the Rambling Wreck has really Wrecked (For Real)

Princeton at Harvard
Nobody cares…..Seriously, they don’t

North Dakota State at Indiana State
Despite last week, I still have faith in the Mighty Bison

Tennessee at Alabama
This game is Cowboys vs. Indians
Its Democrats vs. Republicans
Its Oil and Water
(Except its worse)

Texas A&M at Ole Miss
For me this game….
Is like trying to decide who to pull for in the war in Syria

Clemson at Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes have been downgraded to a Tropical Depression
(That is all)

Auburn at Arkansas
Call me “Crazy as Hell” if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from the cashiers at my local Food City grocery store
(Those gals can be testy as hell sometimes)

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
Let’s be honest with each other here…
We don’t care

Pittsburgh at Syracuse
This just isn’t the week for me to be picking any team called the “Orange”
It’s just how I Roll (Tide)

Kansas State at Texas
I may be on the “Cool-Aide” after the Red River Rivalry “Upset”..
But it sure tastes good….

Army at Rice
I don’t think I would “pick” West Point if they were playing Kansas…
(My God, a game between those two would never end)
OWLS 24-17

Iowa State at Baylor
I can’t wait to hear (Once again) how difficult Baylor’s schedule is….
It’s really fascinating how they can spin the crap out of the facts, you know….
Just like Hillary Clinton
BEARS 140-2

Ohio State at Rutgers
Speaking of “tough schedules”
I have on good authority that the Buckeyes are “in negotiations”…
For the 2016 Season to play the following out of conference foes:
West Point….
(Basically everybody in the newly formed “We Suck Conference” or WSC if you will)

Northwestern at Nebraska
I have no idea why I am making this pick…..

Southern Mississippi at Charlotte
I hate to be blunt, and I’m really not into gossip
But I’ve heard that Charlotte is a skank

Houston at Central Florida
That’s right….
The Boys from Houston will still be undefeated…
(I didn’t stutter)

Boston College at Louisville
I still believe in the power of “The Bird”
(In fact I used one just the other day in the Kroger parking lot)

Tulane at Navy
Little known Naval Fact…..
“A green wave” cannot sink a United States naval vessel…”

Bowling Green at Kent State
This “rivalry game” played between two teams that are ten miles for the arctic circle..
Is played for the coveted…(Wait for it)
“The Anniversary Award”
(Before you ask, “yes” that is as exciting as it gets in northern Ohio) 
FALCONS 38-10 

Fresno State at Air Force
I distracted my Black Lab “Doc” and my German Sheppard “Sadie” when I made this pick…
They are a “little sensitive” about me not picking any dog teams…
it’s how they roll
FALCONS 33-17 

Toledo at Massachusetts
It’s ironic that Toledo is playing against the minutemen…
Because that’s just about as long as this game is going to last

Wagner at Brigham Young
I hate to be all “negative” on this pick….
But that vacuum cleaner college sucks

Chattanooga at Wofford
I know there is supposed to be another Star Wars movie coming out…
I guess that it would be a good time to pick Chewbacca’s College here
But I’m just not a fan of science fiction (Sorry)

North Dakota at Montana
This is the Biggest Game in Big Sky Country this weekend….
O.k., it’s the only “game” but it’s still a big deal

East Tennessee State at Montana State
What the hell are a bunch of kids from Tennessee traveling to Montana for a football game?
Seriously, what the hell?
That makes no sense to me
BOB’S CATS 44-13 

North Texas at Marshall
The leaves are changing color in Huntington…
The air is getting cooler every day….
That place is a little slice of Heaven

Middle Tennessee at Louisiana Tech
The Bulldogs took Mississippi State to task last week…
They got their bite back this week
Believe it

Jacksonville State at Austin Peay
I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s some form of subliminal messaging
But while reading these two teams I really had to urinate
Anna Maria College at Norwich
I have a time supporting a “military college” even if it is ten miles from the Arctic Circle…
When they play a woman’s college
That’s just sad
CADETS 24-21 

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
In case you didn’t know…..
When an Okie gets mad, they stay mad…
They are still mad from two weeks ago and that’s a fact

Wisconsin at Illinois
This Old Big Ten (Eighteen…) rivalry is played each year for the…
“Cheese Sombrero and the Coat of Potted Meat”
(I bet you can smell that crap from your living room)

Penn State at Maryland
This Big Ten (something or another) rivalry has been played since 1917…
And we still don’t care

Indiana at Michigan State
Yes! Another Big Yippee Conference Rivalry!
I can’t get enough of these, can you?
This one is played for the coveted “Old Brass Spittoon”
And the bucket of dirty warm spit goes too…

Virginia at North Carolina
I know two things about this game….
A: I am almost sure this is some kind of a rivalry game
B: I am positive that none of us care what that entails
TAR HEELS 24-21 

Duke at Virginia Tech
I cannot believe I am picking these jackasses (again)
Ohio at Buffalo
For reasons I can’t quite explain, I am now craving some chicken wings
(This subliminal messaging thing is for real)

SMU at South Florida
Let those Horses Run…..

Carson-Newman at Wingate
“Wingate” sounds like the name of some smartass rich kid….
(I bet his bicycle is all chrome too, the little jackass)

St. Olaf College at Augsburg
Just watch and see….
I pick Ole Saint Olaf and he will punt my weekly average into the stands
Wait and see what I tell you
(Damn it)
ST OLLIE 24-21

Missouri at Vanderbilt
I didn’t know what to write about this game….
So here are my “two” choices for you
When in Music City don’t forget to take in the Earnest Tubb Record Shop…
(It’s a must see)
And then…..
I was going to make a reference to both teams colors here and say..
“There is going to be a lot of black and gold in Nashville this weekend”
(But I didn’t want anybody to think there was going to be a large contingent of Rap groups in town)
MO’S TIGERS 28-14 

Washington State at Arizona
There is no defense for either of these teams; they just don’t have any defense
ROD’S CATS 51-44
Connecticut at Cincinnati
A fan sent me an email yesterday stating “They were super excited for this game!”
I think that person was intoxicated

Louisiana Monroe at Idaho
The boys from West Monroe are traveling a long way to mash some potatoes
That’s all I’m saying…

Western Kentucky at LSU
I wouldn’t think the mighty Bayou Bengals would look past the Hilltoppers…
To “The Showdown in T Town”
But you never know…
Arkansas-Monticello at Ouachita Baptist
Bo don’t know these Baptists….

West Alabama at Delta State
This game may come down to the last play of the game…
Yes, I am serious

Kentucky at Mississippi State
I have but one conclusion for the Bulldogs season thus far…
They need more cowbell

Utah at Southern California
I was going to make a joke about Two Utes and a Trojan…
But I thought it sounded nasty, so I didn’t do it
TWO UTES 33-17 

Wyoming at Boise State
If the bronco’s don’t turn the football over forty nine times like they did last week…
Then this one is a sure thing
BRONCO’S 44-14

Colorado at Oregon State
Both of these two teams are playing like old people drive…
Slow, in the wrong lane and with one blinker flashing

Washington at Stanford
As I recall….
I told you all the smart kids from Palo Alto were going to be hard to handle this year..
(That’s a nice way of saying “I Told You So”)

North Alabama at West Georgia
The Mighty Florence Lions are on a Championship run this year…
Believe it

Next Week…

Your Week 9 College Football Picks should be out next week (early) unless I don’t survive the “3rd Saturday in October”; in the event that is the case I will writing from the confines of my “happy place” under my bed with my Black Lab “Doc”

So stay tuned….

One More Thing…

This past week got away from me for reasons I can’t quite understand or accurately explain so you will have a “new” article out next week on, thank you for your patience.

It should be worth the wait

Enjoy Your Weekend


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