The 2015 Preseason College Football Extravaganza Part II

August 19, 2015

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Welcome to Part II of Your 2015 Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

For those of you that were not “offended” by the earlier articles, just wait…

I will get to you shortly.



Greetings From the Heavy Heart of SEC Country….

The news reports got my immediate attention. On Wednesday, June 17, 2015, nine members of the Emmanuel AME Church in downtown Charleston were murdered.

From the looks and sound of it they were executed.

An evil, misguided young man by the name of Dylann Roof walked into the church, sat for over an hour with parishioners who were conducting a prayer meeting, allegedly lined them up, and began shooting. Among the dead were a State Senator, a track coach, the minister, and two elderly women ages 70 and 87.

The victims were all black. The shooter was white.

After all the commotion throughout the country, Baltimore, Ferguson, New York, and other places that have burst with violence, Charleston appeared ripe to be the next city to erupt. But it didn’t.

Because of photos that Dylann Roof had posted on a website depicting him in several poses with a Confederate Battle flag, the issue of racism and that flag emerged. The crime was that of hate. But Charlestonians, being the reasonable people that they are, realized that the hate was borne of a single, deranged individual, not that flag.

Which, in a roundabout way, brings me to my point.

The flag became the center of a firestorm of debate.

The cries to remove this symbol of the South became deafening. I myself have had mixed feelings about the issue. But I realized that in order to understand the issue that I had to also look at the acts of hateful and hurtful people that have been perpetuated under this banner through the eyes of those who had been hurt.

We simply can’t deny the past.

And I’m not talking about dredging up the distant past of the Civil War. I’m referring to a more recent past. That of 50 or 60 years ago and since. I won’t dwell on specifics. But, we can’t deny the pain that has been borne upon some because of the misguided notions of a radical few.

We can say that this flag stands for heritage, and it does for most well-meaning Southerners, but it also stood out as a painful sore that just wouldn’t heal for those who have had that pain inflicted upon them. White guilt? No. In order to make an informed decision about an issue you have to be truthful. And to be truthful you have to honestly look at both sides of an issue, without emotion or a sense of bias.

I still remember the political risk that State Senator Larry Walker of Perry, Ga took, as well as other prominent politicians, when he led the way for the removal of the Stars and Bars from the Georgia State flag in 2001. Mr. Walker knew that what he was doing had the potential to be political suicide, as did those other legislators. And it was.

Many popular politicians were defeated when the next elections were held. But they pushed and prodded for the change. These men recognized that the flag debate was polarizing and divided Georgians along racial lines. Initially, I was against this change.

But, my heart has softened because of the ongoing tragedies that we have witnessed. Because of violent acts that have been thrust upon innocents. No, the flag didn’t pull a trigger or light a match, or hoist a noose. But, what it has been is a magnet for radicals who use it as a symbol of hatred and bigotry.

I believe that what the State of South Carolina did was right – removing the flag from Statehouse grounds. Our states represent all people. I still have the right to own or display that flag. For me and others, as I stated, it is simply a proud symbol of our region.

Many of you not born and raised in the South don’t understand.

You won’t understand.

You refuse to try to understand.

And the sad fact is that you will not even take the time to reflect, as I did in the case of the Confederate Flag, on why we view the flag the way we do. You have your opinions of us because you feel you are “noble” and “know better.” But, I would challenge anyone from outside the South to put yourselves in our shoes before you condemn us for our pride, as I did in coming to the conclusion that I did in removing the Confederate flag from state grounds.

Maybe you’ll understand the mistrust and hesitance to accept those from outside of my wonderful Dixie who would judge us and deem us somehow a lesser, backwards people.

Believe me, we try to love you. We try to accept you. We’re taught to love our neighbors. We are taught to be cordial and polite. We are taught to be hospitable. And despite the things that some say and think, we’ll continue to be cordial, polite, and hospitable. And we’ll forgive, too. Just like the families of those unfortunate black victims of Emmanuel AME Church forgave a deranged, young white man for a violent, despicable act that stained my beloved South.
Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth


Q: Helllllo There Mister Wizard Man!

My name is Shaun by I prefer the name Sholonda, it’s fabulous!!!

Any who, I am a clothing designer of sorts and I bedazzle everything!

I have enclosed a picture of me in the “new” Clemson Tiger uniform that I designed exclusively for the Clemson Tigers! Isn’t it just marvelous!!


I think you and your readers would totally agree that this uniform has pizzazz and just the right amount of pop, sizzle and bling!

I have had one heck of a time getting in touch with the Clemson Tiger Athletic Department to display my design for them; in fact (believe it or not) I can’t get anyone to return my calls!

Can you help me, Please!

Thank you!

“Shaun” Sholonda – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Shaun you have got to get out of your grandmothers basement, and get some help….

Q: Deah Mistah Wizahd,

I write you lettah so you teh me wat you tink about new restrant idea.

I open new prace neah Camp Rejune Nohf Carina call “Khe Sanh Viet Cong Cuisine”. I no it be berry poprah wit de Malines deah. 

See, we have big menu wit catchy tings rike Mortar Rolls. You ask fa mortar roll and we drop dem in mortar tube and fire dem to table you sit at. 

We ahso hab Ho Chi Minh chicken wit napalm sauce. It berry berry hot and sticky. All waitah weah brack pajama so it just like in “da Nam.” 

We row crawl to table to take ohder too. And when you go pee no toiret handle. You turn and hit trip wire and toiret frush. I know it be big hit!!! What you tink Mistah Wizahd???

Lo Duk Wok
Khe Sanh Viet Cong Cuisine, Jasonville Norfh Carolnia

A: What’s next, an Arab store selling “Bomber Jackets”?

Q: Dear Sir

I think it’s about time you say something positive about the Great State of Missouri.

For example are you aware….

That our students currently lead the nation in Math?

Thank you

Tammy – North Platte, Missouri

A: Tammy, don’t you mean “Meth”?

Q: Dear College Football Wizard

Hey listen. All this mascot stuff with what’s offensive and what’s not is ridiculous.

Hey how about banning something that’s really offensive.

Hey listen, I am telling you something ok?

I live outside of South Bend Indiana and yes I am a Notre Dame fan, but listen ok?
Seriously, “Fighting Irisish?” I have had a couple of drinks tonight ok so I have something to tell you.

First I am not drunk. Believe it and whatever email you got earlier from my friend Craig, it’s BS. We weren’t fighting ok, it was a spirited argument, that’s all it was. But he shouldn’t have said my sister was a traitor for going to college at Indiana instead of Notre Dame. That’s all I’m saying.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, that all Irissih aren’t a bunch of drinking, fighting you know whats.

Also I hate that damn mascot, a leprechaun with Elvis sideburns; I think it looks stupid as hell. It looks like a yard gnome on crack.

Anyway Listen, the Iriish deserve more respect and if the Indians are upset over indian names and stuff don’t we have the right to be upset over portraying us as a bunch of hooligans?

Yes I say, sir!

I lost my thought there for a minute, never mind

Go Irrissh

Sean McLamely – South Bend, Indiana

A: I’m sorry, what was the question?

Q: Dear Sir,

We are sending this policy letter to you for widest dissemination among the fans of college football.

We at the NCAA Headquarters are very concerned about the recent rash of injuries during spring games. Unfortunately, this outbreak of unnecessary health problems is not amongst the football players.

Rather, it is among certain individuals who have been invited to participate in these events who are from outside the realm of the athletics departments.

To date we have had 3 elderly fans suffer a broken hip, slipped disc, and head trauma and 2 children who have been crushed in a “dog pile” caused by these attempts at “feel good” moments to inspire the fan base.

While some schools do it right, others have gone over the top in their exuberance to captivate their fans. Perhaps the worst example comes to us from Seattle and the University of Washington where the football team somehow thought it was a good idea to hitch up an 88 year old alumni’s wheel chair to a team of Iditarod dogs with the intent of pulling him to the end zone to score a touchdown.

Unfortunately, when a squirrel scampered across the field and the dogs attempted to chase it down, the gentleman was violently thrown from his chair when the dogs made an almost instantaneous 180 degree turn. 

The result was the broken hip and 6 day stay in intensive care for this poor soul.

It is for this reason that all of these activities will be deemed NCAA violations if they continue. We at the NCAA wish to have all fans have a wonderful and inspiring game day experience. However, activities such as these, while well meaning, will no longer be tolerated.

Mark Emmert
National Collegiate Athletic Association

A: Damn I wish I had a video of that…..

Q: Dear Mr CFB Wizard

I want to apologize for my brother’s email last week.

Out of everybody in the Schitt family, Roland has always been the biggest cry baby.

Everybody always said he was the winey little Schitt of the family.

But enough of that, I hope you will accept my apology for his letter, it was stupid


John “Bull” Schitt – Johnston, Pennsylvania

A: Consider it done sir

But it occurred to me that we might be related.

I have been told many times that I am full of……


KNOXVILLE: Volunteer fan Cheyenne Martin has a problem. She’s marrying into a big Tennessee Volunteers family and “accidentally” scheduled her wedding on September 26, the date of the Florida-Tennessee game.

Martin and her fiancé Andrew Brown appeared on the SEC Network’s Paul Finebaum Show Tuesday to talk about their issue. Martin wrote a letter to the network asking if the conference could do her a favor and schedule the start time of the game for the early afternoon.

During their interview, the couple got a surprise visit from Coach Butch Jones, who said the team will be with them in spirit.

There is no word yet on what time that game will kick off, but the wedding is scheduled for 5:30 p.m.

EDITORS NOTE: O’ Yeah this marriage is going to last…..


EDITORS NOTE: Never trust a person that doesn’t like dogs, it’s in the Bible


The CFB Wizard is required under a new Federal law to comply with providing the public with a service announcement each week to alert you the public on potentially slanderous, hurtful and racist commentary that exists in the world of college football.


We cannot stand for this kind of racial discrimination against our Italian brothers and sisters! Does Kentucky Fried Chicken have a commercial that says,

“Hey Jerome, how about getting those damn wings out of the fryer?

How about the Peking Palace, do they have a commercial with someone yelling

“Hey Chang, where is the sweet and sour sauce, hurry up chop-chop!”

This type of subliminal racism must stop!

EDITORS NOTE: In other news, several Arby’s locations in and around north New Jersey were torched recently, reportedly for the insurance money.

I am sure it’s just a coincidence….


HAPPY BIRTHDAY: I want to wish a Very Happy 80th Birthday to Coach Lee Corso!

ESPN College Game Day’s wouldn’t be the same without you Coach.

God Bless you Coach and Happy Birthday!

LOU HOLTZ: Although Coach Lou Holtz won’t be seen on ESPN this coming college football season, presumably because he got tired of Mark “Dumbass” May’s repeated idiotic attacks and absurd commentary.

Coach Lou is however still making a difference in other peoples lives….


MARYLAND: Since the Terrapins decided a few years ago to ruin their damn uniforms by replacing them with a multi-colored color blind chart, it’s no wonder that they recently changed their mascot too.

To me it looks like a cross between….

One of the flying monkey’s from the Wizard of Oz and a Rhino Turd.

Marylnad Masot

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: There is no truth to the rumor….

That ESPN College Football Studio Host’s Mark May and Brian Greaser will be leaving the studio this season to film a remake of “Dumb and Dumber”

They refused the roles due to feeling that they were being “type cast”

VANDERBILT: With the ongoing two year (Yes I said two years..) gang rape scandal ongoing related to the Commodore football team, it’s astounding to me that the athletic department produced this poster for the upcoming season.


EDITORS NOTE: I guess you aren’t the “smart” school in the SEC after all.

VANDERBILT PART II: Last week we had the wildly popular segment entitled

“Your Top Ten Rules for Interacting at Tailgating Events”

A lovely reader sent this to me in an email…..

“Tailgating Rule Number 11: Never accept a drink from a Vanderbilt fan or a commodore football player”

EDITORS NOTE: Sound advice….

LSU: Too often we are quick to condemn a coach for not disciplining a player or we get upset for what we perceive as other less grievous offenses committed by the head football coach or his assistants.

These Coaches more often than not do many things that go unnoticed, that impact peoples lives

Case in point….

You wouldn’t expect to have a LSU Tiger family living in Mountain Brook Alabama.

But there is….

Mountain Brook teen Sid Ortis had more surprises in the past six months than many kids his age have had in a lifetime.

Some have been devastating, like Sid’s August 2014 diagnosis of osteosarcoma.
Others have brought pure joy, like coming home from the hospital this past week after his second lung surgery to find his entire Crestline community blanketed in purple and gold balloons and ribbons in honor of Sid’s beloved LSU Tigers. That’s something for any Alabama community strongly aligned with Crimson and White and Orange and Blue.


Oh, and then there was the Friday night surprise telephone call from LSU coach Les Miles. Sid’s parents, Scott and Lynn Ortis, both originally from Louisiana, have no idea how the coach got their cell phone number, but they certainly aren’t complaining. “I said hello, and a woman said, ‘This is Les Miles’ secretary and he would like to speak to Sid,”’ Lynn Ortis said. “I was shocked.”

With 15-year-old Sid kicked back on the couch like he was on the phone with an old buddy, Miles talked to him about football, such as what went wrong for LSU in the Alabama game last year, and he talked to him about life. “He told him, ‘Life is not how long you live, but how well you live it,”’

Lynn Ortis said. “He was chatty chatty. And then he asked if he could pray with him, and he did. It was surreal.”

It was the culmination to an emotional 36 hours that left the family once again stunned by the vast love and support they’ve received from friends, family and strangers since Sid’s cancer diagnosis. “We took him riding around and it was amazing to see street after street, house after house,” said Scott. “I think it was slightly overwhelming, in a good way.”

Overwhelming pretty much describes the past seven months for the couple and their five children, which includes 7-year-old twin girls adopted from Russia. Sid went to a summer basketball camp and returned complaining of tightness in his knee. Since it was a week before Sid’s freshman year at Mountain Brook High School, his parents decided to take him to the doctor and get it checked out.

In less than 24 hours, on Aug. 6, they had a diagnosis – bone cancer. Only about 400 children ages 20 and under hear those words each year. “The whole family cried hysterically,” Lynn said. “You don’t ever think anything like that is going to happen to you.”

Friends filled their home that night, and they prayed. “It was unreal,” Lynn said. “Sid cried at first but then some friends took him to get something to eat and they prayed, and when he came back he was a different person. ”

“He did come back a different child,” Scott agreed, “and he’s been a different child since.”

Sid asked his parents, “Could I die?” and they said yes, he could. “That’s the hardest thing to ever have to tell a child,” Lynn said.

By the end of August, they had their treatment plan which would include months of chemotherapy. On the night that Sid had his port put in, 150 friends showed up for a pizza party and prayer at a friend’s home. “We were all bawling,” Lynn said.

In November, after 10 weeks of chemo, Sid had his knee and part of his femur replaced with steel. Less than two weeks after that surgery, he underwent more surgery when doctors found six spots on his lung. “It was a brutal surgery, but he was a champ,” Lynn said.

Another 10-week round of chemo was scheduled and things were looking good. “We had a great feeling about things,” she said. “The doctors said everything was looking great and were going to cut the chemo down to eight weeks.”

Two weeks ago, however, doctors found more cancer in Sid’s lungs and last week he underwent more surgery – a bilateral thoracotomy. While he was recuperating at Children’s Of Alabama, friends hatched a plan. Sarah Franklin Johnson, the owner of Sugar Inc. in Crestline, had a dream about the purple and gold balloons for Sid and told Lelie Wright, one of Lynn’s friends. Wright got to work and about 200 emails later- they didn’t want to put it on Facebook because it would ruin the surprise for the Ortis family – the plan was rolling.

The balloons and ribbons started going up Thursday, and were out in full force Friday, despite Sugar Inc. and Smith’s Variety running out of purple and gold. “It just snowballed,” Scott said. “Sid was very humbled.”

Scott and Lynn said the family’s faith and Sid himself have gotten them through the rollercoaster of his illness. “Sid has such a peace that it gives us peace,” Lynn said. “He told us, ‘If I live, I live and stay here. If I die, then I go to Heaven. It’s going to be OK.’ That was shocking to hear from our kid.”

The entire family, they said, has a new perspective. They heaped praise on the staff at Children’s and said helping to raise money for the Birmingham hospital and its pediatric cancer program is quickly becoming the family’s mission. “I told them I was going to raise $250,000 so now I’ve got to do it somehow,” Lynn said with a laugh. “I’m passionate about raising that for them.”

Friends have set up Strike Out Pediatric Cancer, an online fund drive that allows people to pledge a donation for every strikeout thrown by a Mountain Brook High School pitcher this season on the freshman, junior varsity and varsity baseball teams. Already more than $7,000 has been pledged.

There’s no doubt the Ortis family has been forever changed. Scott said they’ve received word that Sid is on prayer lists in six different countries. Just last week he received a text message from someone he didn’t even know who said he was praying for Sid and had renewed his relationship with God because of Sid’s diagnosis.

“It’s changed a lot of people,” Scott said. “It’s life-altering, no doubt.”

EDITORS NOTE: The LSU Head Football Coach Praying with a child with cancer over the phone. That’s a real man my friends, believe that.


As you loyal readers know by now…..

By prognostications are always eerily correct, it’s like I can see into the future

I am know many of you have called me the Nostradamus of College Football

But strangely enough, my powers are limited to college football and pastries

It’s a curse and a blessing

Here are your prognostications for the upcoming 2015 college football season

Sometime this season CBS college football “commentator” Gary Danielson will receive numerous threats to cause him bodily harm and severe injuries.

Ironically most of those letters will have my return address attached to the envelope

The Nebraska Cornhuskers will continue to disappoint their faithful under Coach Riley

Sometime this season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will give a postgame analogy involving an otter, a burro and a salamander named “Timmy”

O’ yeah Coach Les will totally mismanage the game clock in at least one game too.

EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I was going to give Les a pass here did you?

It’s the Southeastern Conference Baby, nobody get’s away easy…

ESPN’s college football “commentator” Beth Mowins voice will be declared “Ear Terrorism” by the United Nations and the American Association of Audiologist.

EDITORS NOTE: I recommend a drone strike…

This season no one will care about the Indiana Hoosiers

The Illinois Fighting Illini (See “Indiana” above)

Sometime this season ESPN college football “analyst” Mark May will say something so damn stupid to make us all question if he has overdosed on his prescription medication.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, that one was a given. Sometimes I have to throw those out..

This season we will miss seeing Coach Lou Holtz on ESPN, Believe it

For the 102nd time in a row Navy will beat the living hell out of Army

EDITORS NOTE: Believe it…

Coach Bobby’s Louisville Cardinals are going to surprise a lot of teams this year

Sometime this college football season; Coach Fisher of the Florida State Seminoles will have to tearfully “defend” one of his players for committing an “alleged” felony.

EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that’s already happened…Sorry

Speaking of Florida State….

This season the Seminole Athletic Department will be roundly criticized outside of Tallahassee for providing the football players with what will be described as…

“Rape Cards”

R: Responsibility
(Always have teammates nearby to collaborate your story)
A: Accountability
(Be sure your witnesses aren’t already wanted on similar charges)
P: Prepare your alibi (Very Important, we will help you with that)
E: Escape the crime scene and call the university attorney

Also during this 2015 college football season….

We will all wonder what the hell has happened to the once Mighty Virginia Tech

The Miami Hurricanes (See “Virginia Tech” above)

Many of us will be confused this year as why “The Big Ten Conference” has sixteen teams and “The Big 12 Conference” has ten teams.

EDITORS NOTE: On the plus side I understand it’s relatively easy to get a math degree from the schools in these respective conferences and also a degree in geography.

Who knew Colorado and Utah were on the “Pacific Coast?”

Due to their ugly ass uniforms, the University of Maryland will be sued by the Lions Club, the Association of the Blind and the Dyslexic American Coalition for causing seizures and the onset on blindness in young adults.

Sometime this year I will wonder what happened to my once proud Ponies of SMU…

This year you will read about the exploits of the Mighty Fighting Okra of Delta State, The Florence Lions of North Alabama and Coach Sparks Eagles of Carson Newman.

The Missouri Tigers will not return to the Southeastern Conference Championship game

The Oregon Ducks will still look ridiculous in their highlighter neon green uniforms

Sometime this season….

A team’s fans who are 1 and 6 will give the “We are Number One!” finger during a television telecast, which will cause most of us to say out loud without thinking…


Feeling the “Heat” this year are the following coaches….

If Vanderbilt doesn’t go to a bowl game this year Coach Mason is on his way out…

EDITORS NOTE: I am serious…

The Honeymoon for Coach Strong is over in Austin, I am not joking in the least.

EDITORS NOTE: Beat Oklahoma or look for another job

Since Kentucky’s Coach “Big Money” received a contract extension and a raise last season he didn’t win a single game, not one.

The Wildcat Faithful didn’t put a ton of money into stadium improvements to watch you “Beat Vanderbilt”, just so you know.

The Indiana Head Football Coach is under a great deal of pressure to win this year…

EDITORS NOTE: I am just joking about Indiana, nobody cares, really…

Despite playing such teams as “The West Texas Taxidermy Academy”, “The Culinary College of Oklahoma City”, the ladies of the “Avon Perfume and Facial Lotion Regional Headquarters” and the staff of “The Chu-Long Mongolian Restaurant” in Waco Texas, The Baylor Bears will decry that they play “The toughest schedule in the nation”

This year many of us will miss watching the college marching bands at halftime

Ironically we will also have a cussing fit at halftime when ten dumbass talking heads in a studio tell us what we already know, such as….

“If (name a team) wants to win this game, they are going to have to score more points”

EDITORS NOTE: Never mind…..

That’s just me that have the occasional cussing fits……Right?

Don’t lie to yourself here….

The Legends of the Fall

Whenever I hear or read the news about the passing of a legendary football hero from my youth it hurts me. It makes me pause to remember all the re-runs of games and times past in my mind’s eye and it makes me realize how fragile life truly is, even for people that are larger than life.

The great Bill Arnsparger of College and National Football League fame passed away this past July.

He will be remembered for many things in the NFL such as the as the architect of the Miami Dolphins “No Name Defense”, an innovator in the defenses of the era, but more importantly he will be remembered as the Head Coach of the Mighty LSU Tigers and as Athletic Director at the University of Florida during a difficult and trying time for the Athletic Department.

He was a Marine during World War II, a Coach, and administrator, a mentor and a friend to many and husband and a daddy.

There won’t be another like him pass this away again anytime soon.

“The Snake”


It’s difficult sometimes for me to write or talk about some things.

I guess in that regard I am just like everybody else, even though I don’t like to admit it.

Recently, the Great Kenny Stabler passed away from colon cancer.

He kept his recently disclosed illness from close friends because he didn’t want to burden them.

That didn’t surprise me that he did that, but his death shocked me.

You may remember him as a quarterback for one of the great teams of Coach Bryant at the University Alabama or as the Super Bowl winning Quarterback of the Oakland Raiders.

He could have lived anywhere when he left professional football.

But he came home to South Alabama, where he grew up.

He raised millions of dollars for the Ronald McDonald House in Mobile, Alabama

He worked in the radio booth calling Alabama Football games with Eli Gold

There is a lot I could say here, but I will keep it brief.

He was nothing but a winner

He never, ever turned down an autograph request

He liked to laugh, and he liked to joke and he could tell a damn good story

He was a character with character and they are damn few of those left

The Flora-Bama Lounge won’t ever be the same and neither will the lives of those he impacted

He was larger than life; he was and will always be a legend in Alabama

The world is a lot less colorful without “The Snake”

I miss him already

Next Week….

Unless the Lord has other plans for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator

There is a lot more to come next week in Part III of the 2015 Preseason College Football Extravaganza with Prognostications and Predictions for 2015,

Harley will return with South Georgia Football News and Views and everyone’s favorite Tennessee Volunteer fan Hootie Snitch with the “Big Orange Report” and Rufus Johnson returns from South Alabama, to “Drop some Knowledge on you”

And the very first pick of the season for the 29 August opener between two titans….

North Dakota State and Montana

So stay tuned…

One More Thing….

There will be another story on for you next week for all the people out there fighting the good fight each and every day. It’s all about “Tough People”

Thank you all for reading both sites, that encouragement means a lot to me



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