The 2015 Preseason College Football Extravaganza

August 13, 2015
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

In the words of that eminent physician and occasional body snatcher Dr. Frankenstein

“HE IS ALIVE!”

I am happy to state that the reported demise of your favorite college football prognosticator has been greatly exaggerated.

It’s good to have you all back for the 2015 College Football Season and the opening segment of the 2015 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.

It’s been a long off-season and with kickoff right around the corner, we have a lot to discuss.

So let’s get right to it.


PRESESEASON EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Did you do anything significant during the off-season?

Toni – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you Toni, I am glad you asked.

As you may know, as I await yet another book publishing opportunity, I have dabbled in song writing.

The song I wrote….

“Disco Midget”
Broke into the top twenty in Guam, Malta and Lithuania

I am really proud of that, but to tell you the truth, my country song entitled

“I love it when you smell my hands”

Was roundly rejected by mainstream country music stations, which crimped my creativity for a while until I realized  ”todays”  country music just wasn’t ready for me.

Which may explain why my love ballad entitled

“Cover up those Hammer Toes” never really took off either

The other rather significant event was one that was suggested to me by a friend of mine and his wife.

They “suggested” that with all the medical and other related trials and tribulations I had gone through the past year that I needed a “freeing experience” like riding a horse naked.

Well, not one to shy away from a challenge I attempted to do just that.

However the manager at Wal-Mart was so angry he called the police, which I felt was a bit of an overreaction on his part. And for the record, I wasn’t completely naked, I was wearing a sombrero.

Q: Jenga!

That’s my favorite game in the whole world, so I always start out saying Jenga!

Jenga Mister Wizard!

Hey, I have a question for you!

Do you think college football will ever incorporate something like Jenga into college football?

It’s ONLY the Greatest Game in the entire world!!

Maybe a game or two between quarters or during half-time?

Jenga is my favorite game, ever! It’s not a game for me, it’s a lifestyle!

That’s what I always say, anyway!

Thanks!

Jerry “Jenga” Narwhal – Scranton, Pennsylvania

A: Jerry, I think your cheese slid off your cracker

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

Your readers want to know more about you…

What’s your worst fear?

Thank you!

Angela – Memphis, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the kind email Angela

Other than the”Jenga” guy above showing up at my farm wanting me to put lotion on him, I have to say there is only one horrible thought that I could not physically or emotionally survive.

Being forced to watch a Maryland home game with those bizarre mismatched colored uniforms that are known to cause seizures in adults, children and house cats would be considered torture.

But having to watch Maryland play any game commentated by ESPN’s Beth Mowins, is actually outlawed by the Geneva Convention as “cruel and inhumane treatment.”

In fact I feel like I was ear raped when I wrote her name down. 

Q: Hey Wizard, My name is Bill and I done got me a question fur you.

I live in Homer’s Knob West Virginia and I was a wondering if you think I can marry my goat Trudy. She don’t cook or clean or nothing, but she is mighty good company and she makes a funny damn noise when a raccoon get’s on the porch.

You reckon the government will a let me a marry Trudy?

Bill – Homer’s Knob, West Virginia

A: Bill I would say if you play your cards right you not only will be able to marry Trudy, but you will be on the cover of “People” magazine as well.

Q: Dear CFB Wizard Man –

My ten year old boy Raymond can’t get his Tennessee football helmet off his head we got him last Christmas and his head is starting to stink.

It’s been on there since New Years Damn Day

His damn head smells like somebody is a boiling a possum.

Miss Ruth who runs the Peyton Manning Trailer Park we live in said if we don’t a get that helmet off Raymond and get him cleaned up we got to move out of our double-wide.

It’s a damn mess, I tell you

You got any suggestions that can a help us?

The Darcy Family – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Yes, I have a suggestion.

Send me some pictures I have got to see this for myself.

Q: What’s shaking G?

Hey man check it out! I am an up and coming rapper from Miami and they call me “B. O.”…Not Bo like Bo Jackson, just “B.O.”.

I was wondering man, you know, If I could put some of my homemade music videos on yo site, you know like a promotion thing? What’s you thinking G?

I got one song out already called “I shot yo ass, what’s you go’n do?”

It’s like a love song, but somebodies get shot in the ass, you know?

What’s you say G? You have me on the Wizard site?

B.O. – Miami, Florida

A: Just like the deodorant commercials say…

Just say NO to B.O.….

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

We done got ourselves one hell of a problem down here in College Station Texas!

My wife and I are die-hard Texas A&M Aggie fans and we decided to create the “official” peanut butter for the Aggies and the Southeastern Conference.

Now I know all there is to know about dairy farming and making butter.

So we figured it was pretty much the same process.

I guess that’s where the damn trouble started.

We bought us several big sacks of peanuts and then decided to go to work.

Friend, we had no idea how many peanuts it was going to take to make a single jar of peanut butter, it’s the damndest thing I ever saw.

First we started with a “test” batch and let me tell you both my wife and I damn near went blind in the process.

Have you ever tried to “milk” a peanut to get the stuff out of it to make the butter?

Them peanuts got some little ole nipples I will tell you that, we had to use my wife’s eyebrow tweezers to try and milk them and still couldn’t get to the damn things.

We called the Agriculture Department at A&M and they were as perplexed as we are.

You got any ideas?

Mark and Irene Stone – College Station, Texas

A: I’m sorry….you lost me at peanut nipples

Q: Hey Mister CFB Wizard!

Kickoff is right around the corner!!

Have you got any good jokes from the off-season?

Tommy – Gainesville, Florida

A: What does a Florida State football player say to the female coed with a black eye?

Nothing, he has already told her once….

Q: Hello Mister American Foots Ball Wizard

My Name is Deter and I come to America.

I live in the Chicago city with my pet spider monkey “Mister Peepers”

Sometimes Mister Peepers is the naughty monkey

But yes, I watch last year the American Foots Ball with Mister Peepers for first time and I understand it not

Why the Foots Ball men don’t wear the shorts and kick the Foots Ball into net?

The helmets I understand not too

Can you tell Deter and Mister Peepers rules on the Foots Ball in America?

Yes, thank you

Mister Peepers like the wear the little Foots Ball uniform of the Michigan

Would you like see a picture of Mister Peepers?

Thanks to you

Deter and Mister Peepers, Chicago City, Illinois

A: Here is a good safety tip for all you kids…

Always say “NO”….

When a man asks if you want to see either his “monkey” or “Mister Peepers”

You are welcome America

Q: Dear Sir –

I don’t know where to begin so I will start at the beginning.

All my life I have been made fun of because of my name.

I know, it’s just something I was born with and I can’t help it

You see my name is Roland Schitt, yeah it’s pronounced just like you think it is…

I was the youngest in my family so I was called “The little Schitt”

Can you imagine being in elementary school and some kid yells

“Hey it’s Rolling Schitt!”

Teachers would giggle when they called my name in class and other kids would say mean things like

“Hey Schitt, don’t you live up the creek? Do you have a paddle? HAAA!”

Or

“Let’s throw Roland down the hill and see if Schitt rolls down hill!!

I would try really hard in school, raise my hand, add to a discussion and some despicable kid would say

“That was some deep Schitt!”

I joined ROTC in middle school and what happened on the first day?

The military instructor said for us to say our names “last name first, first name last”

My turn came and I said “Schitt, Roland” and I thought the instructor was going to whizz himself.

This past week I had to go to my daughters first day of school and you want to know why????

Because somebody thought my little daughter “Ura” had cussed a teacher when she was asked her name! Can you believe that????

I’m sorry I am rambling, do you have any suggestions?

Thank you

Roland, Ima and Ura Schitt – Ithaca, New York

A: I am not sure how this equates to college football

But I am intrigued as to what your family crest must look like…


POLITICALLY CORRECT ALERT OF THE WEEK

For those of you that are unaware it is now a government requirement to identify racist posts and commercials. This is my contribution to the Politically Correct Police.

The University of Michigan

HOW dare the Woverines!

This subliminal racism in the form of a jell-o mold is unforgiveable!
UMjigg

This despicable “word” is only one letter or so away from a horrible racist term.

And although this treat is delicious, racism shouldn’t taste good

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ARMY: You might not have kept up with this off-season development…
But West Point has “rebranded” their football team name, uniforms, everything…

They have dropped the nearly 100 year old name of “The Black Knights of the Hudson”
And their classic helmets, uniforms, etc.

AWP-black-knights-rebrand

Army Chief of Staff General Martin Dempsey had this to say about the “rebranding” of the West Point Football team in 2015.

“It’s a lot like the whole beret thing we went through a few years ago. It’s really more about looking different and feeling good about yourself than actual substance, if you know what I mean. I believe there is something to be said for looking good while you are getting the living hell beat out of you by Navy year after year. Just wait till you see our new Trans-sex whatever cheerleaders.  It’s the new army.”

EDITORS NOTE: Be all you can be….

OKLAHOMA: In a bold move this past spring; Coach Bob Stoops of the Oklahoma Sooners spent an entire week of the three week spring practice schedule standing in solidarity with his football team in silent protest to the social injustices perpetrated by the on African Americans and more specifically because a member of a fraternity on campus was on tape using the dreaded “N” word at a party.

The University of Oklahoma football team released a statement Thursday morning calling for further investigation of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity chapter on their Norman, Okla., campus and pledged continued protest.

Through his Twitter account, Sooners quarterback Trevor Knight posted a statement that said, “We have not practiced this week, and we will not be practicing this week as we demonstrate silently on Owen Field during our normal practice time.

“We will not forget about this during spring break, and upon our return to the practice field on Monday, March 23, we will continue to address this issue in our media opportunities and by wearing black during our practices.”

OU D Bags

OU Next Week

In other news 93% of Sooner Fans thinks Coach Stoops is a complete dumbass for wasting time on a stupid publicity stunt.

FLORIDA STATE: Seminole Quarterback and star recruit De’Andre Johnson was recently suspended from the football team for beating a female student at a local bar that was caught on tape.

CFBNoles

David Cornwell who was once Jameis Winston’s attorney now occupies an office in the Tallahassee Athletic complex as an “Athletics Advisor” had this to say about the “alleged” incident.

“We have reviewed the so called video evidence from the bar and talked to the witnesses of the alleged incident and have determined that the beating of the young woman by my client was consensual.”

Mr. Cornhole added “In what we can ascertain the 21 year old female co-ed was the aggressor in the alleged altercation because she was provoking my client by mentally hurling racial slurs at him, which by the way he picked up through metal telepathy.”

This suspension came on the heels of Seminole running back Dalvin Cook’s being suspended following his being charged with a misdemeanor battery for “allegedly” punching another 21 year old woman in the face.

David Butthole had this to say about the “alleged” incident involving Mr. Cook
“I have asked my client (Mr. Cook) about the details of the “alleged” incident with the 21 year old female and he assured me that she wanted to have the hell beaten out of her and that the ass kicking was consensual. We consider the matter closed and encourage Florida State to welcome him and Mr. Johnson back on the football team.”

UCLA: Recently somebody that’s supposed to be famous named P-Diddy or Dumbass G whatever….physically attacked a UCLA football strength coach for “mistreating” his son that is on the Bruins football team.

Seriously….

So, “some people” are calling for the dismissal of the entire coaching staff (Including the head coach) because “one” celebrity father thinks his kid is something “special”

Before you fire everybody you might want to ask the good people in West Texas how that has worked out for them by bowing to some idiot on television.

TEXAS TECH: Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet? I’m just asking….

KANSAS: It is no secret that the Jayhawks have had a tough time in recent years recruiting good football players. But they have taken the unprecedented step this past spring in signing Bryan Sperry an 89 year old WW II veteran as a running back for the Jayhawks.

For those of you interested in statistics, it has been reported that Bryan “runs” a five minute forty yard dash in his rascal scooter, but he showed his moves and speed during the recent spring game.

Here is a short video of Bryan “The Bullet” Sperry running for daylight during the Jayhawk Spring game.

Unfortunately the next week, Bryan wandered off campus riding his Rascal scooter buck naked.

Anyone seeing Bryan “the Bullet” Sperry or is aware of his whereabouts is encouraged to call Kansas University Security at 1-800-JAY-HAWKS-SUCK

KENTUCKY: Slightly off the topic of college football…

In case you haven’t heard about it

The newest bestseller in Lexington is a book written entirely by last year’s Wildcat starting basketball team entitled…

“We are the first people in our families to have gone to college for two semesters”

I hear it’s a riveting book, but it’s written entirely in crayon.

AUBURN: Jeremy Johnson has been named the Tiger’s starting quarterback this season and he appears to have the height and all the skills to play the position.

But there is only one problem according to head coach Gus Malzahn

“He is the first quarterback I’ve had that didn’t have a felony conviction. None of them (Cam Newton or Nick Marshall) had a big felony mind you, not like rape or aggravated assault on a woman; I mean we aren’t Florida State” said Coach Gus between chomps on his famous gum.

“We are trying to ease Jeremy into something like simple marijuana possession or petty theft for starters. We don’t want him going full grand theft auto right off the bat, if you know what I mean. Jeremy seems like a good young man but his lack of department of corrections time is throwing me off.”

MISSOURI: I admit it; I haven’t given much credit the past couple of years to Mo’s Tigers.

Although Mo’s Tigers have won the last two Eastern Division crowns in the Southeastern Conference, I haven’t had much to say about them. 

I hear you loud and clear, so here goes

This past spring former all-American Tiger defensive end and well documented cheap-shot artist Shane Ray admitted during the NFL Draft that he had failed numerous drug tests at Missouri.

So my question is, why was he still playing last season?

But on a more positive note former Tiger football player and gay right’s activist Michael Sams was cut from yet another professional football team, this one from somewhere in Canada.

It’s difficult to grasp that one person once so “celebrated” can suck at two things, but there you go

TENNESSEE and VANDERBILT:
Recently the Nashville Tennessean newspaper had asked for suggestions to name this in-state “rivalry”, that some have lamented doesn’t have a catchy name or trophy.

EDITORS NOTE: A “rivalry” really? Tennessee leads the series 74-30-5

The newspaper had hundreds of “interesting” suggestions for the name of the game.

Here are but a few of the suggestions that were submitted (And “yes” I am serious)

Banjo Bowl (Why not just call it “The Deliverance Bowl”)

Barrel Bowl
(Presumably this is named after the large girth of many of the respective fans)

The Battle (For what?)

Backyard Brawl (They are over 180 miles apart….that’s a big backyard)

Battle for the Golden Musket (Don’t they mean “muskrat”?)

Battle on the River (Is it yachting or are they playing football?)

Battle of the Villes (Stupid….)

Bean Pot (I’m sorry, what?)

Biscuit Bowl (How about renaming it the “Lard Bowl”)

Bootlegger’s Bowl (How about the “Meth” Bowl?)

Bourbon Brawl (By all means, let’s encourage underage drinking and fighting)

Brothers in Arms Bowl (Too Gay…sorry)

David & Goliath Bowl
(Sorry, no geographical reference between this event and the actual location, so no…)

Dueling Banjos Bowl (Yes! Let’s reinforce Southern cultural stereotypes!!!)

Hot Chicken Bowl (As opposed to the “Cold Chicken Bowl” played in Des Moines Iowa?)

Hound Dog Bowl (An Elvis song reference, really? What’s next “The Teddy Bear Bowl”?)

Jackalope Bowl
(I have seen a couple of these in my local Wal-Mart…they were wearing yoga pants)

Moon Pie Cup (Seriously?)

Old Cocked Hat (That sounds kind of dirty, so no…)

Raccoon Bowl (Or perhaps we could go with “The Rabies Bowl”)

Tennessee Tomato Bowl (I don’t get it)

Trans-Cumberland Tussle
(This sounds like Bruce Jenner is wrestling a neutered rhesus monkey at half-time)

My suggestion would be:

The Butt-Chug Bowl, sponsored by a famous maker of the finest ten dollar box wine in the Southeast and the Humana Rectal Clinic.

The winner of this contest would get a trophy made out of a funnel and a garden hose

You don’t need to say it; I know I’m a genius

MASCOT NEWS

OKLAHOMA STATE: I whole heartedly support any team mascot that looks like Burt Reynolds from “Smokey and the Bandit”

Ten-Four Good Buddies 

pistolpete

PURDUE: For those of you that follow the celebrity gossip columns, you are already aware that the Boilermakers mascot “Purdue Pete” went through a very nasty and public breakup this past spring with Paris Hilton.

It was rumored in the tabloids that during an argument Pete “forced himself on Paris Hilton and later struck her viciously numerous times in the face and neck.”

However, the good news is that “Pete” has put that incident behind him, reentered the dating seen as seen below and has been offered a full scholarship this season to attend Florida State University.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

TAILGATING RULES 101

In other articles we have detailed the appropriate etiquette of the complete college football tailgating experience, from beverages and attire to proper cooking, grilling and other culinary delights and recipes.

However, a fine point of the tailgating experience has been missed by The CFB Wizard staff.

That is the interaction and subsequent “rules” for interaction amongst your fellow tailgaters.

In this age of electronics, texting, email and other less personal human contact it’s important to understand the basic rules of interaction with your fellow tailgaters in order to enhance you and your fellow party goer’s game day experience.

Your Top Ten Rules for Interacting at Tailgating Events

Enjoy…

Rule #1: Never leave a fellow tailgater behind. Tailgaters take care of their own; period

Rule #2: Never use your real name when interacting and conversing with tailgaters from a rival school. (This could be important in potential upcoming legal matters)

Rule #3: Never confess to “liking” the opposing team on game day, ever….

Rule #4: Never allow a fellow tailgater to wander off alone, unless they are going to the Port a John

Rule #5: Never let a girl come between you and a fellow Tailgater, unless she looks like Ann Margaret in “Viva Las Vegas” or Pam Grier in any movie she was ever in…
(I have no such rules in this regard for women: sorry I don’t roll that way)

Rule #6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk, no matter what the score may be.
It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but in a good way

Rule #7: Blend into the tailgating experience by standing out.
(The noted exception to this rule is “NO” costumes. If people want to see a clown, they would have gone to the damn circus)

Rule #8: Be the life of the party
(However, understanding that passing out before kickoff into Aunt Jan’s guacamole salad is just bad manners)

Rule #9: When it stops being fun, burn something that you own.
(Note: This rule applies to West Virginia Mountaineer Fans only)

Rule #10: No “chicken dancing” during celebratory wins – no exceptions.

Next Week…..
There is a lot more to come next week in Part II of the 2015 Preseason College Football Extravaganza with Prognostications and Predictions for 2015, Harley will return with South Georgia Football News and Views and everyone’s favorite Tennessee Volunteer fan Hootie Snitch with the “Big Orange Report”

So stay tuned…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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