Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s hard to believe this is Week 7 of the College Football Season
My How Time flies by…
It just seems like yesterday that the Virginia Tech Hokies were undefeated…
And talking about a run at the National Championship….
When I put it that way, it seems like a long time ago, doesn’t it?
Enjoy your Picks….
POST GAME WRAP-UP
I know that we are still a few weeks away from Halloween, but after Week 6 of College Football I am starting to feel like Charlie Brown with a sack full of rocks.
O’ Sure there were a few treats to go around last week for some of you
But mostly I just got rocks from the….
Florida State Seminoles
Georgia Bulldogs
Miami Hurricanes
West Point Military Academy Black Knights
Auburn Tigers
Texas Christian Horned Frogs
Texas Longhorns
Air Force Falcons
I could go on, but I won’t it’s too painful, plus those rocks are just too hard to digest….
With that being said Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a pitiful 48 and 18 or 73% (OUCH) last week, which leaves The CFB Wizard at 362 and 80 or 82% for college football season after 6 weeks.
Enough said, let’s get to this week’s games….
COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
Please forgive my brief diatribe as I witnessed something quite disturbing this past weekend that I want to discuss with you all.
Before you ask
No, I will not be discussing the lack of holding calls against the myriad of “no huddle offenses”
Because let’s face it, we all know those 300 pound linemen simply can’t run play after play after play….
Without holding, right?
Nor will I mention how FOX Sports College Football makes my head want to pop off my shoulders every time they break away to some mentally challenged ‘former” replay official with a head like a sweet potato giving his two cents on what happened on a particular play.
I will not even hint at how disgusted I am with the lavish praise given by television “commentators” on the “high powered” offenses but never fail to mention the lack of tackling or preparedness of the respect defenses.
I certainly won’t mention or discuss how ESPN’s Jesse Palmer can’t even pronounce the word “Cat” without the aid of a Pop-up Children’s Book.
No, what I witnessed is far more heinous than any of those things…
As you may know, because it has been chronicled at length here, that ESPN’s Pam Ward is the worst college football announcer in ALL of college football. Many of you have even been unsuspectingly Ear Raped by her before you could hit the “mute” button on your remote control.
However what took place Saturday was more horrible, more disturbing than anything I could imagine.
As many people tuned into the telecast of the Arkansas Razorbacks visiting the Auburn Tigers Saturday they witnessed, or shall I say “heard” the most horrible noise known to mankind.
A female with a New York accent “announcing” the game…..
It was is if quilting needles had been shoved into both of my ears by a drunk Orangutan
“MY GOD, IN THE NAME OF KEITH JACKSON PLEASE MAKE HER STOP TALKING!” I said as I stumbled towards the remote control and fumbled to find the mute button.
The offending voice from the television set was none other than New York native and ESPN’s “female soccer, female basketball and softball” announcer (That’s right I said SOCCER) Beth Mowins.
IT WAS THE WORSE DAMN THING I EVER HEARD!!!!
But let me simply say three things about this horrible, terribly horrible occurrence…….
1. We all know that the greatest birth control device known to mankind is a New York accent
2. YOU do NOT bring a “SOCCER” announcer to a COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME! PERIOD!!!!
3. Combine the first two described above and you have Armageddon in your ear canal.
So what does this all mean?
It means that ESPN has the Axis of Evil in College Football with Pam Ward and Beth Mowins
Listening to them individually or together it’s like your ears just got Butt Chugged
It’s a shame they can’t use their power for good and destroy Al-Qaeda
I would write more about this injustice but the police are here with their Ear Rape Kit
I’m pressing charges this time….
SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS
Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!
The bus ride from Ocilla to McRae was long and quiet last Friday after our Mighty Trojans were scalped by the Indians of Irwin County. Although the score may not have shown it, but these Gladiators were in it until a serious of miscues in the 4th quarter caused everything to spiral out of control. With Telfair down 21-14 after 3, a blocked punt recovered in the end zone, a 20 yard pick 6, and a fumble after a ferocious hit that was taken to the house was the beginning of the end for the Boys in Blue. But these kids kept fighting until the final gun sounded on a 55-21 game won by the Tribe. “These kids are learning what it takes to get to the elite level of the Clinch and Irwin County programs. You have to take care of the ball and play error free. We learned something and that will make us better,” said Coach Burleson after the game. The Trojans will no doubt patch up the armor and sharpen the spears during a bye week in preparation for the 5-1 Turner County Rebels in two weeks.
The Clark County Canines were looking to pluck some Chickens in Columbia last weekend, but instead came away smarting after coming up on the wrong end of a 35-7 score at Williams-Brice. Don’t know if our boys were intimidated by the atmosphere, but that place was shaking and rocking throughout the night as the Pullets pounded the Cow College on Offense, Defense, and even special teams. Coach Richt and Bobo tried everything to stem the Garnett tide of Shaw, Lattimore, and Clowney, but had no answers. However, I’m still proud of our boys as they never quit and finally got on the board at the end of the game to avoid the shut-out. The Dawgs take a well deserved week off and prepare for the de-clawed Cats of Lexington before the annual showdown in Jacksonville with a resurgent Crocodile Crowd. The North Avenue Trade School made the short trip to Clemson to take on Dabo’s version of the Cats but also came up short to cap a South Carolina sweep of Georgia’s finest. The Wreck showed life throughout the game and actually led by a 31-30 score early in the 4th quarter. But Tajh Boyd and company put it in overdrive and sliced up the Slide Rule Jocks for 21 afterwards en-route to a 41-31 final score. Defense again failed the Bee’s and as a result, it cost Assistant Coach Al Groh his job. The Jackets also have a week to do some re-calculating to see if they can salvage their season and prepare for the Eagles of Chestnut Hill. The Blue Birds of Statesboro flew up to North Carolina to take on the Catamounts of Western Carolina in an all important SoCon matchup and walked away with a convincing 45-13 win. Coach Jeff Monken must have surely blessed the field with some of the pristine waters of Beautiful Eagle Creek as the Birds scored early and often in the total annihilation of the Cats. Next up for GSU is a much anticipated battle with the undefeated Terriers of Wofford to get back in to the touch SoCon race.
Over in Baton Rouge, the Bayou Bengals are licking their wounds after slipping up against the suddenly dangerous Reptiles of Gainesville. The Gators scored two second half touchdowns and held the Cats to a couple of field goals for the win. Over in Eastern Alabama, the War Eagles of Auburn were crushed by a suddenly dangerous bunch of Hogs from Fayetteville. After 4 straight losses on the young season, the ‘Backs came to life, at the expense of the Felines, by a 24-7 score. And finally, the feisty Canines of Starkeville took down the lifeless Kitties of Kentucky to the tune of 27-14 for their 5th win of the season. The Dogs will be tested this weekend as they host the Coon-Hunters of Knoxville in a game that might tell us if these Pooches are really “in it to win it.”
What I like:
The SEC East – Despite the fact that my homestate football team fell to the Gamecocks, the top three of the East, Carolina, Georgia, and Florida, are showing signs that the Western part of the Conference’s predicted supremacy for another year may not be a foregone conclusion. “Maybe”
Christian Robinson – The Georgia Linebacker shares a house with Aaron Murray. After Saturday’s loss, their home was rolled and egged. Classy, fellow Georgia Fans. Classy. But I liked the Twits, or whatever you call it that Robinson put out: “Thought we were in this together.” and “Still get to be a hero this morning to little kids at Athens Church”. Good on ya’, Christian
What I don’t like:
Some Fans – I still don’t get it. For everyone on the football field, this is an athletic competition. for those outside the confines of the gridiron, let’s call it what it is: entertainment. That’s it. That’s all a football game is. But how can it be entertainment when “fans” perform the most ridiculous acts? Some said they were embarrassed after Georgia’s performance this weekend. I’m not. I still bleed the Red and Black. I’ll still go to work. I’ll still trade jabs with some of my Auburn, South Carolina, and Tennessee friends. I won’t go around with a cloud over my head. My team didn’t win. There are worse things. Unemployment lines. Sick friends and relatives. Paying the bills. Those are the things that concern me. Not a bunch of 18, 19, and 20 year old kids who are out on a big, green, pasture, playing a kid’s game for my enjoyment.
That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth
THE GAMES
Thursday October 11th
Western Kentucky at Troy
The Toppers are Rolling down Hill and they are hard to stop…
HILLTOPPERS 33-24
Texas El Paso at Tulsa
I think the Miner’s Lamps are out….
Just saying…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 41-14
Arizona State at Colorado
Even with Wynonna Judd as the “guest” mascot this week for the Buffalos, it won’t help them…
But it will be fun to watch Wynonna run on to the field, I just hope she doesn’t hurt anyone
SUN DEVILS 31-14
Friday October 12th
Lafayette at Yale
Nobody cares….
Navy at Central Michigan
The Mighty Midshipmen “upset” the Falcons last week ….
I am betting they will continue that streak this week against the Chippewa’s’
MIDSHIPMEN 31-28
Saturday October 13th
Louisville at Pittsburg
Didn’t I predict that the Mighty Cardinals would be undefeated this season?
I thought so…..
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-28
Kansas State at Iowa State
This intense rivalry between two cross state agriculture universities is called…
“Farmageddon”
It’s like “Armageddon” but with tractors, combines and Dairy Cows
WILDCATS 41-17
Texas at Oklahoma
This is the Red River Rivalry
Throw the record books out the window, tighten those chin straps..
This is War
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-24
Syracuse at Rutgers
The Orange Man gets the juiced squeezed out of him in Jersey
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 33-14
Northwestern at Minnesota
The Cats aren’t looking to “Wild” lately, if you know what I mean….
And who doesn’t like Groundhogs, am I right?
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-21
Iowa at Michigan State
The problem with this game is trying to decide who is “least” dysfunctional
It won’t be easy….
SPARTANS 24-17
Eastern Washington at Montana State
I think these Eagles have already been plucked…
BOBCATS 34-10
UAB at Houston
Please listen closely….
IF you are “really” looking forward to seeing this game on television and are actually thinking of buying it on pay-per-view with money you worked for, like from a real job. Then please seek a mental health professional immediately. And avoid any alcohol, firearms and fireworks until help arrives.
COUGARS 27-21
Kent State at Army
I know that Army will probably win this game since I am picking the Golden Flashes..
I can’t win with them; no pun intended
GOLDEN FLASHES 31-28
Wisconsin at Purdue
Since Purdue is a “big” engineering college you would think they could keep the wheels on their football team for at least six weeks, wouldn’t you?
CHEESE CURLS 31-14
Auburn at Ole Miss
Ok, let me explain this as simply as I possibly can….
Auburn has an “eagle” that will fly around the stadium while the fans chant “WAR EAGLE!”
But they are called the “Tigers”
Ole Miss is known as the “Rebels” but they have a big foam rubber Black Bear as a mascot.
Confused?
Join the club….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17
Ouachita Baptist at Arkansas Monticello
I have on good authority that the Baptist don’t recognize the Boll Weevils as a threat…
But then again we Baptist don’t recognize each other at Hooter’s or in the Liquor store either
GOTCHA BAPTIST 31-17
Southern Utah at Montana
The weather forecast in Montana Saturday…..
Cold and windy with a 100% Chance of Grizzly Bear
Enough Said…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-21
Duke at Virginia Tech
And here I used to actually think…..
That the Hokey Pokey was what it was really all about
(I need to get out more….)
BLUE DEVILS 31-21
Indiana State at North Dakota State
The Folks from Indiana call their team the “Sycamores”
As in the tree….
The last time I saw a scary tree it was in the Wizard of Oz…..
This ain’t Kansas, its Big Bison Country
MIGHTY BISONS 34-17
Temple at Connecticut
These Owls aren’t worth a Hoot
(I know, sometimes I can be so cleaver)
HUSKIES 38-17
Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Proud Ponies will stampede through the Green Wave…
Believe it…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-10
Akron at Ohio
The Mighty Bobcats are undefeated so far this season…..
They will remain so after beating Coach Terry “Groundhog” Bowden’s Rockets Saturday
FRANK’S CATS 31-28
North Carolina at Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes didn’t generate enough wind last week to qualify as a decent pop corn fart.
It will be closer than you think on Saturday….
HURRICANES 24-17
Utah at UCLA
I would feel more comfortable picking the Bruins if…..
They would WIN a damn game when I picked them to win…
(Sorry, I had a moment there….)
TWO UTES 28-24
Wofford at Georgia Southern
I think it’s awfully cute that they named a college after the sound of a dog bark
But that won’t count for much on Saturday in Statesboro
SOUTHERN EAGLES 31-27
Maryland at Virginia
For not the last time this season will I say this…..
My God those Maryland uniforms are dumb and ugly as hell…
Seriously they are
UGLY ASS TURTLES 28-17
Ursinus at Juniata
If you think you can scare Juanita with a Urinary Sinus Infection…
Then you got another thing coming….
J-LO 31-10
Nevada at UNLV
This instate rivalry in the land of legalized gambling and prostitution is played for…
“The Fremont Cannon”
Somehow I was expecting they would play for an old roulette wheel and free trip to a buffet potato bar
WOLFPACK 41-14
Alabama at Missouri
MO don’t Know anything about an Alabama Ass Whipping…
But he’s going too…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17
West Virginia at Texas Tech
Believe it or Not, but the Red Raiders will keep this one closer than you might think…
So don’t be surprised if the folks in Morgantown only burn “half” their couches this Saturday
MOUNTAINEERS 31-28
Stanford at Notre Dame
The party’s over for the Golden Gnomes
CARDINAL 28-24
Oregon State at Brigham Young
I am not sure how Brigham is feeling lately….
But the Beavers are living the Life of Riley
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17
West Georgia at Delta State
I like my Okra fried, boiled, stewed or barbequed, heck I even like it when it’s fighting…
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28
Fresno State at Boise State
Slightly off the subject……
I am thankful for the “Little” things in life
For instance, the University of Maryland with their hideous uniforms aren’t playing on the equally stupid Blue football field of Boise State anytime soon.
Can you possibly imagine how many seizures that would cause across America?
BULLDOGS 24-17
Illinois at Michigan
This Old Big Ten (Eleven or Twelve) Conference rivalry is appropriately called …
“The Wolverines are going to beat Your Ass Again Game”
WOLVERINES 43-14
Miami (OH) at Bowling Green
I knew a girl that graduated from Bowling Green once….
She had a head like a hammer head shark….
I don’t even want to talk about her teeth, but she really could have used braces
FALCONS 31-17
Oklahoma State at Kansas
The “Prairie Wind” is going to smack Jay’s Hawks in the naughty regions…
COWBOY UP! 44-21
Susquehanna at Moravian
I would hate to go to a college that when you graduated you got a certificate for being a “Moron”
I’m just saying…
SUSIE-Q 24-10
North Greenville at Carson Newman
I guess the folks from Greenville are just “too good” to be from “South” Greenville….
I hate that kind of arrogance
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-24
Buffalo at Northern Illinois
The Folks from Buffalo having been Winging it unsuccessfully most of the season.
(Sometimes my ability to sublimely weave in something cleaver even amazes me)
HUSKIES 38-10
Utah State at San Jose State
I don’t think Jose’ could play his way out of a wet paper bag in a rain storm
AGGIES 31-21
Memphis at East Carolina
Elvis’s Tigers have most definitely left the building…
Thank you, Thank you very much…
PIRATES 34-17
Boston College at Florida State
Both of these teams are suffering a bad hang-over from last week’s games
The difference is….
The Seminoles are mad about it….
JIMBO’S NOLES 38-17
Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores have always given the gators fits…
This game will be no exception
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17
Middle Tennessee State at Florida International
The Raiders will leave the folks from the International House of Pancakes Blue
Believe it…
BLUE RAIDERS 41-17
Southern California at Washington
Did you hear that sound?
It’s all the national pundits jumping off the Trojan bandwagon….
MIGHTY HUSKIES 31-28
Texas Christian at Baylor
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton naked…
Yeah, it’s going to be that bad…
BEAR DOWN 43-17
Kentucky at Arkansas
The Blue Cats of Kentucky stay consistent….
You got to give them that much..
RAZORBACKS 34-14
Valdosta State at North Alabama
The Lions are outmatched in this game…
But I have a feeling
MIGHTY FLORENCE LIONS 41-38
Colorado State at San Diego State
I am betting Coach Jim and the ram’s get a badly needed win on the road
RAM TOUGH 28-24
Idaho at Texas State
Bob’s Cats of Texas get Ida Honkey’ed
Which actually sounds painful if you think about it
IDA MAY HONKEY 41-17
South Alabama at Arkansas State
I wish I had better news for my friends in Mobile…
But I don’t
RED WOLVES 38-13
Fordham at Cincinnati
Did you know…..
That legendary Coach Vince Lombardi was first known as one of “Fordham’s Seven Blocks of Granite”
Yeah, that won’t really matter much here…
BEARKATS 48-10
Air Force at Wyoming
After last week, I think the Falcons have been grounded…
COWBOY UP! 28-17
South Carolina at LSU
This is going to be “Big Boy” Football at its best…
We are going to find out who’s for real
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-20
Occidental at Chapman
These kind of things drive me crazy….
It’s not “Occidental”, it’s “Accidental”
Nobody says “I occidentally spilled that ice tea”
If they want to be taken seriously as an academic institution they should get that straight
I’m just saying….
BUTT-LESS CHAPS 24-10
Ohio State at Indiana
I have a simple question for the Proud People of Indiana…
Hoosier Daddy?
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 43-10
Southern Miss at Central Florida
I don’t have any good news this week for my loyal readers in Hattiesburg
Sorry…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-17
Florida Atlantic at Louisiana Monroe
This one is going be ugly…..
How ugly you may ask?
Uglier than a University of Tennessee “Butt Chugging” Wedding Theme
(Now wasn’t that a nice way to ease into the next pick……)
WARHAWKS 41-10
Tennessee at Mississippi State
I think this one is going to be a Barn Burner….
Don’t be surprised if the Barn Door swings the other way in this one
VOWELS 28-24
Augsburg at St Olaf
Olaf has been on a Roll lately…..
Do you know why?
Because he’s a Saint, duh…
ST OLIES 28-14
Texas A&M at Louisiana Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s right I said it….
BULLDOGS 34-28
California at Washington State
I really wish I cared about this game, but I don’t….
Sorry…
DA BEARS 28-17
Sunday October 14th
New Mexico at Hawaii
I can assure you all of one very simple fact….
IF Dog the Bounty Hunter were involved in the game then Hawaii would win..
He isn’t so they won’t
Yes Friends, sometimes it’s just that simple…
LOBO’S 28-24
Enjoy your games…
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD