Ladies and Gentlemen –
We are Back for yet another season of college football, proving that not even the Kung Fu Flu 2.0 can slow down Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator and the esteemed staff here at The CFB Wizard Headquarters.
Tighten those chin straps my friends, and get your game face on, it’s time for some college football.
A BRIEF CFB WIZARD COMMENTARY
To be perfectly honest, last season was almost the last for The CFB Wizard or, so I was content to believe at the time. It had nothing to do with another University of Alabama Championship, as sweet as it was.
I have written this through war and peace and death and disease and everything in between for a lot of years and I felt like I have about run the gambit of humor, sports clichés, and the like, even using many of those over and over again to nauseam. I know, it’s true.
But we are returning for yet another season for you, the readers. Because in this time, when there is seemingly damn few things to laugh at or enjoy, I wanted to bring that joy and humor week after week, at least for another season, because it’s important.
Thank you all for riding along with “Doc” The World-Famous Black Lab and myself for another college football season, I hope these articles brings a smile, a giggle, and the occasional hearty laugh from you, because that’s important.
GET TO KNOW THE CFB WIZARD
The Staff here at The CFB Wizard Headquarters LLC has noted that there are thousands of new readers to the CFB Wizard website or maybe even a dozen, whatever, that want to “get to know” their Favorite College Football Prognosticator and so this segment was born.
Q: Mister Wizard I read somewhere that you have a lot of “Texas” in you, which part?
Maggie – Comanche, Texas
A: The Burnt Orange part
Q: Hey! I really like your sign that says, you “Don’t Rent Pigs” What’s that all about?
Joanne – Tallahassee, Florida
A: While living in Tennessee Taliban country I wanted to state that plainly and up front on an easily to read sign, so no one would think I was running a Tennessee Escort Service.
Q: Being a famous author, have you ever dated any celebrities?
Thanks!
Jerri Lynn – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: I was ran over in the frozen food section last week by a lady on a rascal scooter that looked exactly like Betty White. Not sure that answered your question, but that’s as close as it gets.
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
What’s your favorite romantic movie, you know like a love story?
Deloris “Dell” – Daphne, Alabama
A: “The Dirty Dozen”, and how Lee Marvin loves killing Nazis.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
KANSAS: As you already know the Jayhawks dismissed Coach Les Miles for past alleged sexist behavior while at LSU. However, “New” Head Football Coach Miley Cyrus has vowed to get the Jayhawks “twerking” down the field this year.
NEBRASKA: Someone please tell me this isn’t a “real” uniform design for the Cornhuskers.
EDITORS NOTE: Isn’t that “cultural appropriation”? Asking for a friend
SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Last month the members in the conference unanimously voted to accept Texas and Oklahoma into the SEC in four years.
Meanwhile….
In the BIG (Light) 12 Conference has announced that the “quality” of play in the conference will not diminish with the loss of their two premier teams (Texas and Oklahoma), but will be replaced by The West Texas Taxidermy Academy and Gift Emporium and the equally impressive Southeastern Central Oklahoma Red River Beauty College.
Additionally, BIG 12 Commissioner Bill (Captain of the Titanic) Bowlsby also added with some emphasis that they will “insist” that the “new” members to the conference will adhere to the strict adherence of the conference policy of playing “NO Defense.”
TENNESSEE: To be perfectly frank, I was a bit surprised that the Volunteers voted to accept Texas into the Southeastern Conference, you know, since the University of Texas OWNS the interlocking U and T symbol that Tennessee has to “pay” Texas for the rights to use it.
OHIO STATE: Buckeye Coach Ryan Day recently stated that he has finally reviewed the game film from the National Championship game with Alabama and he admits,
“Alabama owned us in every phase of the game.”
EDITORS NOTE: In other “News”, Water is Wet.
MICHIGAN: Wolverine Coach Jim Hairball has been celebrating breaking the losing streak with Ohio State last season and has vowed to do everything within his power to ensure they don’t play them again this year to extend the streak to two years in a row of “not” losing to the Buckeyes!
ALABAMA: Prior to each season, special guests are invited by Coach Saban to speak to the Crimson Tide football players. Ernie Johnson was asked to speak a couple of weeks ago.
This short video is worth your time, I assure you.
CFB WIZARD EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Sir,
As Chairman of the Big 10 Conference I am responsible for the equitable and inclusive outcomes of the 2021 football season. As you may know, other conferences have come out with their steps and measures to take in the event of COVID outbreaks possibly causing the cancellations of games. Our policy is set forth as follows.
If Team A has an outbreak of COVID which would prevent enough athletes being able to play in a conference football contest, then that team shall forfeit the game and a loss assigned… Unless it’s Ohio State and they will be assigned a win because they probably would have won the conference game anyway.
If both teams have an outbreak of COVID preventing the teams from havng enough athletes to play in a conference football contest, then both teams will be considered to have forfeited and both teams assigned a loss… Unless it’s Ohio State and they will be assigned a win and the other a loss because, well, they probably would have won the conference game anyway
If the Conference Championship game is cancelled because of an outbreak of COVID, the game will be cancelled….. And Ohio State will be crowned conference champion because they should have won it anyway
So, you see, our inclusive and equitable method of handling games is in the best interests of the conference and Ohio State, who should always win everything
Kevin Warren
Chairman
Big 10 Conference
A: Do you think you can play more than five damn games this year? Just asking
Q: Hi, they call me Johnny Karate
I run a taekwondo martial arts studio called “Shazam!” in Dayton Ohio.
My question is this, can I add a short video on your website of a martial arts demonstration that I am sort of famous for here. Nothing outrageous, just breaking boards, twirling samurai swords, a lot of screaming, stuff like that.
What do you say?
Johnny Karate – Dayton Ohio
A: So, breaking boards, twirling sharp knives, and a lot of screaming you say?
Sounds like what happened with my last date.
Note to Self: Don’t let a woman with a severe studder order at a Chinese restaurant.
Sorry, that’s a no from me.
Q: I am mad as hell and I need some damn help.
My name is Richard Leslie Sandusky and I live outside of Ann Arbor Michigan
(GO BLUE!)
In fact my wife and son (Richard Benton Sandusky) are ALL Big Michigan Fans
(GO BLUE!)
So here is my damn problem, this year before the start of the college football season my wonderful wife purchased not one but two authentic Michigan Wolverine jerseys for both my son and I and then she found a local establishment to personalize our jersey’s just in time for the Wolverines home game.
Last Friday my wife presented the jerseys to my son and myself.
The name on the back of my damn jersey says; “DICK LES” and my son’s damn jersey says; “DICK BENT”
“Supposedly” the damn proprietor of the damn store is a damn Ohio State guy!
Do you think HE engraved that on our jersey’s on purpose?
Richard Sandusky and Family – Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: I don’t think you need to call “Matlock” to figure this one out Dick.
Q: When is the Tennessee Volunteers going to win the Conference Championship?
This year?
Go Big Orange!
Gary “Goody” Gooch – Greenbrier, Tenessee
A: Unfortunately I don’t ever answer any questions from anyone that calls themselves “Goody Gooch.”
That also applies to anyone that identifies themselves as “Candy Gooch” or “Muddy Gooch”, etc.
It’s a rule, sorry.
Q: Dear Sir,
I am Jay Hartzell (That’s Hart – ZELL) President of the University of Texas, Austin.
As I’m sure you read, if your Alabama education permitted such an endeavor, my esteemed institution has recently been “accepted” into the Southeastern Conference. Let me start by clarifying a couple of points. First of all, the official story by the Conference is that we asked to join. Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this Conference practically BEGGED us to grace them with our presence. After all, WE… ARE… TEXAS!!!
We don’t ask for anything. We tell people what we are going to do and just do it. We were appalled that they simply rolled their eyes in reaction to our generous offer after they tried to entice us. We attempted to sweeten the pot by throwing in Oklahoma, who does anything we tell them to do, but again astonishingly resisted. Finally, we demanded to know what it would take to take to join and they told us we had to get rid of the Longhorn Network!!!
This was almost the straw that broke the camel’s back and we almost walked away from them. I mean, who would NOT want to watch 1960’s reruns of our greatness? Who would not want to watch great Texas equestrian and women’s tennis matches 24-7? And, particularly galling, how could they even think of giving up that annual Holiday Tradition of “A Bevo Christmas???”
Well, we finally consented to their ridiculous request and our demands were finally met. So, stay tuned inferior institutions of the SEC. As they great Sam Ehlinger once said, “We’re BAAAAAaaaaack!!!
Jay Hartzell (That’s Hart – ZELL)
President of the Premier Educational Institution in the World
University of Texas, Austin
A: I am sure we will miss watching BEVO on the Longhorn Network take a dump during Christmas….
THE GAMES
Saturday 28 August
Nebraska at Illinois
Slightly off the subject here, but am I the only one that thinks the Mayor of Chicago,
Looks exactly like the lead character in the movie, Beetle Juice?
Just saying
CORNHUSKERS 31-17
Hawaii at UCLA
In the event you are still up at midnight Central Standard Time (CST) and have already seen all the infomercials for hair treatments and facial creams then this is the game for you!
BRUINS 6-3
Texas El Paso at New Mexico State
Fun Fact: Jeffery Epstein and Bill Clintons favorite team is the “Minors.”
What, too soon?
AGGIES 31-28
Alabama Birmingham at Jacksonville State
These two instate opponents don’t meet very often, for one simple reason.
They hate each other.
BLAZZZZZZZZZZERS 34-31
Thursday 2 September
Bethel University at Delta State
I missed a lot of things during last year’s college football season and one of them was,
THE FIGHTING OKRA 34-17
West Georgia at Carson Newman
I thought “West” Georgia was Alabama, who knew?
MIGHTY EAGLES 41-28
Southern Nazarene at Arkansas Monticello
Bo knows I have missed picking these games.
BO WEVILLS 33-31
Sam Houston State at Northern Arizona
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wake up and “Remember the Alamo.”
Just so you know
BEARCATS 41-28
Temple at Rutgers
I was going to watch this game, but my Chia pets need to be pruned.
It’s all about priorities.
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 6-3
Boise State at Central Florida
Something tells me this is going to be an “Upset” to the Gus Buss in Orlando.
BRONCO’S 34-31
Citadel at Coastal Carolina
The Mighty Birds of Coastal pick up where they left off last year.
BIG BIRDS 34-17
South Florida at North Carolina State
The Boys from Tampa aren’t what they used to be.
That’s No Bull either.
WOLFPACK 38-14
Weber State at Utah
I hope the kids from the Grill and Smoker College got paid well for this beat down.
TWO UTES 121-3
East Carolina at Appalachian State
I have to side with my fellow Appalachian Americans in this one, sorry.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-14
Ohio State at Minnesota
Believe it or not.
This game is going to be closer (way closer) than you might think.
BUCKEYES 34-31
Bowling Green at Tennessee
The Coach Juicy Nipple Era begins in Tennessee!
(That’s his name, right? I trust autocorrect on this one)
VOWELS 44-14
Friday 3 September
North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Turkeys and Tar Heels………
Sounds like the name of a beauty shop I drove by once in East Tennessee.
Just saying
TAR HEELS 34-31
Southern Utah at Arizona State
O’ yeah this one will be close
SUN DEVILS 189-3
Duke at Charlotte
I don’t care, and neither should you.
BLUE DEVILS 6-5
Old Dominion at Wake Forest
Seriously people, you are killing me here.
DEMON DEACONS 38-28
South Dakota at Kansas
I wouldn’t necessarily call this one an “Upset”
COYOTES 28-24
Northern Colorado at Colorado
Not to bring bad news to this opening “contest” in beautiful Boulder Colorado,
But, it’s been reported that Wynonna Judd will NOT be leading the Buffalo team onto the field after she reportedly twisted her hoof, I mean ankle while being wormed at the Benton Buffalo Ranch.
Sorry
BUFFALOS 44-17
Michigan State at Northwestern
There is nothing quite as exciting as beginning the Big 10 (Whatever the number is..) Conference schedule with a “Big” rivalry game!
This one is played each year for the “Victory Monkey”
Let the poop slinging begin
SPARTANS 28-24
South Dakota State at Colorado State
The Rams better not sleep on this one or the Jack Rabbits will run by them.
Believe it
RAM TOUGH 34-31
Saturday 4 September
North Alabama at Southeast Louisiana
Plenty of Lions tussling in this one in Hammond Louisiana.
You know who I am picking in this one.
FLORENCE LIONS 34-31
Albany at North Dakota State
The Mighty Bison return to their winning ways in the Fargo Dome.
Believe that
BISON 41-24
Army at Georgia State
My money is on the Triple Option in this one.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-17
Stanford at Kansas State
Slightly off the subject of this game.
Please be careful when you go to a Mexican Restaurant and order “Mexican Corn” on the menu.
“IF” pronounced incorrectly the waiter or waitress will bring you a box of,
“Mexican Porn.”
And, “NO” I don’t want to talk about it.
CARDINAL 28-24
Fordham at Nebraska
This game is going to be uglier than Chewbacca at an electrolysis convention.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 55-10
Louisiana Monroe at Kentucky
Big Blue starts out with a Big Win in Lexington
WILDCATS 44-10
Penn State at Wisconsin
I am going “Upset” on this one, believe it.
BADGERS 34-31
Oklahoma at Tulane
This game is going to get uglier than a weight watchers meeting surrounding an ice cream truck.
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 136-3
Western Michigan at Michigan
So what’s the deal Wolverines?
The Eastern Saginaw New Kids on the Block cover band wasn’t available for a football game?
WOLVERINES 7-6
Colgate at Boston College
What in the Hell is the Toothpaste Factory doing fielding a damn football team?
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 51-10
Fresno State at Oregon
I was going to say something clever here about the “Ducks and Dogs” but when I said it out loud, it sounded nasty. Sorry
QUACKERS 51-17
Lafayette at Air Force
The Falcons are going to Fly Away with this one…
(I thought that line up all by myself)
FALCONS 38-10
Rice at Arkansas
Nope, not even close
RAZORBACKS 55-10
Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
An early rivalry game along the Ohio River …
It’s played for the “Victory Bell.”
Ding, Dong, Miami is Gone.
BEARKATS 38-17
Indiana at Iowa
This game could easily be categorized as “The Battle of the “I’s” as in I don’t care.
HAWKEYES 34-31
West Virginia at Maryland
This one is going to be close (real close), but I am going with the …
FIGHTING TURTLES 41-38
Alabama and Miami
I can’t pick this game without remembering the 1992 National Championship game in New Orleans.
It was a game for the ages, and this one won’t disappoint either.
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17
Marshall at Navy
Sorry Midshipmen, I have to go with the boys from Huntington West Virginia
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-24
Massachusetts at Pittsburgh
Interesting college football fact: Massachusetts is known as the “Minutemen” which ironically is about as long as it takes for them to get behind in a football game.
PANTHERS 44-10
Central Michigan at Missouri
The dedicated staff here at The CFB Wizard have finally solved a mystery.
The origin of the Central Michigan nickname, “Chippewas” has finally been solved.
In Native American “speak” it means, “a diuretic pony with a wet blanket.”
You are Welcome America
MO’S TIGERS 41-21
Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
Dogs, Dogs, and more dogs in this one.
Bully
VEGAS DOGS 44-24
Montana State at Wyoming
I really want to go with the Bobcats in this one, but they are playing in Cowboy Country.
It’s going to be close
COWBOY UP 33-31
Northern Iowa at Iowa State
Just FYI: It’s still Tornado “Season.”
Just so you know
CYCLONES 41-10
Louisiana Lafayette at Texas
The Raging Cajuns will make this one interesting for a couple of quarters, then its all,
LONGHORNS 55-21
San Jose State at Southern California
Wow, what a tough opening game for the once “mighty” Trojans.
(Yawn…)
TROJANS 89-3
Garner Webb at Georgia Southern
I think Ole G.W. is in for an ass whupping in Statesboro
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-14
Campbell at Liberty
I was going to say something funny or clever here, but I can’t get that damn Liberty Insurance commercial out of my head. Sorry
LIBERTY LIBERTY LIBERTY 41-28
Central Arkansas at Arkansas State
The Coach Butch Jones Era begins in Jonesboro. Good Luck Coach and Roll Tide.
RED WOLVES 44-24
Abilene Christian at Southern Methodist
I have sorely missed watching my beloved ponies run.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 41-17
Baylor at Texas State
I believe the Bobcats of State will keep this one close for a minute or two, but don’t overlook them.
DA BEARS 38-31
Texas Tech at Houston
I want to go “Upset Special” on this one, it’s going to be that close.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-34
Eastern Illinois at South Carolina
O’ Carolina, I SEE You!
GAMECOCKS 41-17
Oregon State at Purdue
This game could go either way. I said what I said.
BEAVERS 34-31
Nichols State at Memphis
I believe Mr. Nichols will have Cat Scratch Fever before this one is over.
ELVIS’S TIGERS 63-10
Missouri State at Oklahoma State
This game is the sports equivalent of Mike Tyson fighting a first grader.
COWBOYS 167-3
Syracuse at Ohio
I wouldn’t rule out Frank’s cats in this one, it’s going to be closer than you think.
URANGE PEOPLE 28-24
Southern at Troy
I sure do miss that South Alabama BBQ, I said what I said.
MEN OF TROY 34-17
Akron at Auburn
I was going to saying something to effect here,
“The Zippers are going down in Auburn”
But I didn’t want the sheep to get scared.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 49-14
William and Mary at Virginia
Poor Ole Bill and Mary Jean aren’t going to enjoy this game, not at all.
DUDES ON HORSES 45-17
Texas San Antonio at Illinois
I didn’t studder…
“UPSET SPECIAL”
BEEP-BEEP
ROADRUNNERS 31-28
Florida Atlantic at Florida
The Owls don’t stand a Hoot of a chance in this game.
(Sometimes I can’t help how clever I am)
GATORS 49-10
Georgia at Clemson
I am going to get hate mail no matter how I pick this game.
So, I will defer to “Doc” on this one.
SMART DAWGS 33-28
Northern Illinois at Georgia Tech
Isn’t “Northern” Illinois Canada?
Never mind
YELLOW JACKETS 41-28
Kent State at Texas A&M
In the event you are a fan of massacres then this is the game for you.
GIG EM AGGIES 161-3
Duquesne at Texas Christian
Please be advised, “IF” you say “Duquesne” three times in a row quickly you will develop a lisp.
So there is that
HORNED DOGS 55-10
Montana at Washington
I really (really) want to pick the Grizzley Bears in this one, but “Doc” is giving me the “Don’t do it” look.
HUSKIES 38-34
Southern Miss at South Alabama
It’s going to be close, real close
Believe it
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-28
East Tennessee State at Vanderbilt
I have on good authority that Lionel Richie would make this pick, don’t doubt me on this one.
COMMODORES 38-17
LSU at UCLA
I cannot wait to hear or read Californians try and interpret what Coach O is saying….
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-31
Nevada at California
I would actually care about this game, but unfortunately “Doc” and I will be playing Jenga, sorry.
GOLDEN BEARS 41-38
Brigham Young at Arizona
I don’t know if this is classified as an “Upset” or not, but somebody isn’t going to be happy.
COUGARS 38-28
Utah State at Washington State
This game is about as interesting as an empty beer can.
COUGARS 44-24
Portland State at Hawaii
I predict once those kids from Portland see Hawaii they will declare amnesty to prevent returning to that crap hole they left in Oregon.
WARRIORS DANCING ON RAINBOWS 51-17
Notre Dame at Florida State
This Pick is for Coach Bobby
Dad’ Gum It
SEMINOLES 31-17
Louisville at Ole Miss
All aboard the Lane Train!
FOAM RUBBER COL. SANDERS / BLACK BEAR/SAND-LAND SHARK/REBELS 44-34
Next Week………
Your Next Week’s Picks will be out on Thursday 9 September, just as you have come to expect.
Along with another “New” story on MikeRights.com to keep you laughing or at least prevent you from breaking the television or that Disney Franklin Mint collection your Aunt Chanell got you for your Birthday.
There is more on the way, so stay tuned.
One More Thing………………
Thank you all again for riding along with “Doc” The World-Famous Black Lab and myself, for yet another season of college football. In these times that we are experiencing, I think it’s important to laugh and I hope that I bring you some laughter in these picks and stories.
Be good to yourselves this week.
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD