Best of…Part IV

July 28, 2016
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

We are inching closer to the opening kickoff of the 2016 College Football Season…

But until then, relax and enjoy another entertaining segment of

“The Best of The CFB Wizard”

No need to thank me, It’s how I Roll…Tide

SEVEN QUESTIONS

Your favorite college football prognosticator has heard your requests for this popular segment and once again he delivers.

This week ladies and gentlemen we have the former Ole Miss gridiron great and one time quarterback of the New Orleans Saints, Houston Oilers and Minnesota Vikings and current CBS college football studio analyst Archie Manning.

Q1: Welcome Archie, I appreciate you talking with me today. How would you rate this upcoming college football season against the past few years, in terms of upsets and fan excitement?

A: “You want to see pictures of my two sons? You know they are both quarterbacks in the National Football League, right?”

Q2: I thought you had three sons?

A: “You must be talking about Cooper. Well, he doesn’t play football so he doesn’t count. So do you want to see some pictures of Eli and Peyton? They are both starting quarterbacks in the National Football League.”

Q3: No, that’s O.K. Archie. What’s it like working with former Oklahoma great Spencer Tillman in the CBS Sports studio?

A: “This one is of Peyton’s first day at that private kindergarten, what was the name of that place? I can’t remember, but doesn’t he look cute?”

Q4: Yeah Archie that’s real nice, but let’s stick to the format, O.K.? What is your greatest memory of playing at Ole Miss?

A: “Eli went to Ole Miss and was the quarterback; he should have won the Heisman Trophy. I am still kind of mad about that. That was the second time that my family got gypped out of the Heisman.”

Q5: The “second” time? What was the first time you felt “your” family was gypped by the Downtown Athletic Club?

A: “Are you kidding me! Peyton didn’t get the trophy and he stayed at Tennessee for his senior year! I am sorry to get so mad, it still hurts. They probably decided not to give it to him because he’s gay. I don’t think they wanted to give the trophy to a gay quarterback”

Q6: Archie, how can you say Peyton deserved the Heisman? He didn’t lead his conference in any significant categories his senior year, Tim Couch led the Southeastern Conference in all passing and anything to do with passing that year. But never mind that for a moment, are you saying Peyton didn’t get the Heisman Trophy because he’s gay?

A: “Have you ever noticed how much he enjoys being under the center? Wait, I have a picture of Peyton and Kenny Chesney at a Corndog eating contest. ”

Q7: Please Archie, no that’s o.k., really I don’t want to see it. Let’s move on, I am feeling icky. In all your years of college football, both as a legendary player and as an analyst, what would you say is your most unforgettable memory?

A: “This is a picture taken last year of Eli, Peyton and Me holding a football in our backyard. It’s my favorite picture. I don’t know who took the picture. Maybe it’s what’s-his-name.”

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering; “What’s-his-name” is his “other” son; Cooper and before you ask “No”, I didn’t see the Corndog eating contest pictures.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS

MASCOTS…..

Let’s take a brief moment to discuss one of my favorite subjects; college football mascots…

You are probably wondering what constitutes a mascot.

There are only three rules to this….

First…

It has to be Live…

You can have a student in a foam rubber copy of the mascot running around the stadium, but you have to have a live mascot representing your team. Period, no exceptions.

Case in point…..

The Air Force Academy has a Falcon…

Arkansas has a Razorback Hog

Georgia has UGA…

Colorado has a Buffalo…or Wynonna Judd

But there is no mascot in all of college football that is scarier or intimidates opponents quite like Mike the Tiger at LSU.

They place Mike’s cage outside the visitor’s locker room and you have to run by him to get to the field. Let me tell you this, running by that that big cat will make you want to wet your pants and scream like a little girl, believe me.

MikeTiger

NOTED EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

There are noted exceptions to the “Live Mascot” rule and these are but a few of those exceptions.

MICHIGAN STATE: I know it would be difficult in finding a “Spartan” today, unless you built a time machine, but at least give your mascot a better nickname than “Sparty”.

It sounds like a gay fireman.

SAN DIEGO STATE:
Please see Michigan State above and substitute “Spartan” with “Aztec” and substitute “gay fireman” with “Elton John’s dream date”.

EDITORS NOTE:
For those interested in a “Time Machine”…

Please contact Notre Dame; I understand they are working diligently to find a way to bring back Knute Rockne.

CENTRAL MICHIGAN: I am not sure why you wanted to name your team after an infected mole, maybe there is a medical school close by.

But please don’t have a kid run around in a foam rubber “Chippewa’s” costume…

That would be disgusting…

THE NCAA: The mascot for this “volunteer” “non-profit” organization is simply incorrect. It should reflect its culture, team and state of mind.

My suggestion?

The mascot should have a rat like face, with the eyes and ears of a bat and they should be called “The arrogant power hungry bastards”,

Even have the perfect picture for them….

NCAA

Third….

It’s none of the NCAA’s damn business what a university names its mascot.
The mascot and nickname of a particular university is the business of the university, state and alumni, not some overzealous pin head’s business in Indianapolis.

Case in point….

WILLIAM and MARY: As we have noted in the past the Nazis at the NCAA forced the administration of William and Mary to change their nickname and mascot because “they” felt the term “Tribe” was raciest and demeaning.

So this week the administration, alumni and students are “voting” on a replacement and it looks like the early favorite is the “Fighting Asparagus.”

One can only hope the university administration isn’t forced to change that mascot as well because that particular vegetable caused a rash on some idiot staffer at the headquarters in Indianapolis.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t care if you name your team “The Short White Fighting Honky’s with Bad Credit” and have two crossed double-wide trailers on your helmet.

I don’t care.

So I would suggest the rest of you idiots that wake up every morning looking for a reason to be “offended” or have your little feelings hurt, just get the hell over it.

LASTLY…..

You may have noticed that I excluded mascots from Northern schools in our discussion.
There is a reason for that…

Despite living ten miles from the Arctic Circle Youngstown State doesn’t have a live penguin for a mascot?

Wisconsin doesn’t have a live badger….

Penn State doesn’t have a live Lion….

But there is an exception to the rule and it does need to be mentioned here.

Even though the University of Michigan doesn’t have a “live” Wolverine, they do in “fact” have several very scary mascots that will frighten little children as well as adults.

Their cheerleaders will cause your watch to lose time, your eyes to cross and your pets to stand on their hind legs and howl.

And finally

The mascot should represent the culture of your university, team, and state.

Case in Point….

Oklahoma has the Boomer Sooner…

Auburn has the War Eagle….

Florida has a live Alligator…

But No mascot in college football represents the culture and climate of a state and team like BEVO for the University of Texas Longhorns.

I don’t care who you are….

BEVO is just cool

bevo_large_update

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Hello

My name Ding Dung and I son of Anh Dung

You change Navy Mascot!

NCAA need to change Navy Academy Goat mascot, it look too much like Ho Chi Minh!

Communism bad!

Here in America we have QVC channel and Nagahide couches!

I also remind honorable father that Academy Air Force mascot need change too.

Falcon bird look like fighter bomber, make us feel bad all over again.

Air Force drop many bombs on Vietnam and make us run very fast when they fly in, just like falcon mascot.

Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

PS: My sister want NCAA address too.

She want Army Academy mascot change.

Army mule look like honorable grandmother. Hurt too much to look at.

A: When I read “Ding Dung”…I immediately thought…”Who’s there?”

EDITORS NOTE: Who says I don’t have international appeal?

Q: Seriously Mister Wizard…

How old is Coach Bobby Bowden?

Thanks!!

Tommy – Blacksburg, Virginia

A: Tommy…

When Bobby Bowden was born…

They hadn’t even invented dirt yet…

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

We are having a bet here at work and are in hopes that you will settle the debate for us once and for all.

So where are you all from exactly?

Ted – Cleveland, Ohio

A: I all is exactly from Alabama

EDITORS NOTE: Ted made the classic mistake in this email of trying to substitute the Southern term “ya’ll” (which is plural) for the northern saying of “You All”.

Consider yourself duly corrected Ted

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

Welcome Back!

I have a question for you to start the 2016 college football season

“If” the Ohio State Buckeyes are supposed to be such a “powerhouse”

Then why are they starting the season playing Bowling Green?

Thank you

Chip – Wooster, Ohio

A: Thank you for the kind email Chip….

The answer to that question is simple

The Ohio State Buckeyes are starting the season playing Bowling Green because…

Jan’s Cosmetology School of Joplin Missouri was busy that weekend

Q: Dear Sir –

I read one of your last articles and enjoyed it immensely

I bet you get a lot of hate mail, because people are offended by everything now days.

How do you respond to all the haters out there?

Marsha – Birmingham, Alabama

A: Thank you for the email Marsha, I appreciate it

I never try to win over the haters….

Because I remember one very simple rule about myself

I am not a “Jackass Whisperer”

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

I read that my beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish is joining (sort of) the Atlantic Coast Conference by playing a limited schedule within the conference.

Many Irish fans (like me) feel like this was a mistake from the very beginning.

Why are we only playing Florida State and Louisville and North Carolina if we are supposed to be in a conference?

Craig – South Bend, Indiana

A: Well Craig, the reason Notre Dame is scheduled to play the three schools you mentioned above is because Maryland left the ACC and they couldn’t schedule to play Duke three times in the same season.

I hope that answered your question

Q: Dear sir –

With all the off season talk of the grueling schedule college athletes must endure, especially college football players, do you feel that this constitutes a form of child abuse at some level?

Sincerely

Elaine – Memphis, Tennessee

A: Miss Elaine, I share your concern, but these young men are all adults

But if you want to see what “real” child abuse is…..

volunteers-dad-kids

EDITORS NOTE: Those parents should be arrested and sterilized before they can reproduce again and as a side note please see my comments earlier concerning “adults” that dress in costume for college football game day.

Q: Dear College Football Wizard

What do you attribute the recent resurgence in Auburn Football too?

War Eagle!

And

Thank you!

Paul – Montgomery, Alabama

A: Excellent question Paul…..

The resurgence in Auburn football is in direct correlation to the number of players from the University of Georgia and or the University of Florida that have been kicked off or dismissed from those teams for criminal behavior…..
(i.e……Cam Newton, Nick Marshall…etc…etc…)

In other words…..

The more discipline is enforced at those universities the better Auburn is the following year.

These players, much like Salmon during mating season, find their way instinctively to Auburn University following their dismissal from those institutions.

I hope that answered your question Paul

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –

As an Alumni of the illustrious West Point Military Academy and a retired General Officer of the United States Army and I have but one question for you this season.

How will the Army football team look this year?

Lt. General Max Buttlicker USA (ret) – Long Island, New York

A: Are you familiar with “Custer’s Last Stand?”

Q: Dear Sir

I have followed your website for a couple of years now and I have but one question.

Why do you hate and despise people from “up north” as you call them so badly?

Theresa – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: Theresa, I certainly don’t hate Yankees…

But I have a friend in South Mississippi that does hate Yankees

His hobby is reading the obituaries every morning from the Chicago Tribune and the New York Times

Q: I have read some of your so called “articles” and you are a complete idiot!

YOU don’t know anything about college football or anything else for that matter!

YOU are out of touch!

Anonymous – St. Louis, Missouri

A: That’s true I don’t know too much about anything, and I have learned that I am clearly “out of touch” with whatever is going on today.

Case in point….

Last week I took out an add in the local paper looking for a “used winch” and four women called me looking for a date

I’m just glad I didn’t put a classified add in for a “ditch witch”……

God only knows what would have shown up

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

We are so happy you are back!

Some of us heard that you had some rather major surgery recently; did you go to the Veterans Administration (VA) for your surgery?

We are all praying that you are 100% soon!

RTR

Gloria – Huntsville, Alabama

A: Thank you for your thoughtful email and your prays Gloria

I DID NOT have my surgery at the “VA”……

IF that had been the only route available to me, the plan I formulated was the following:

1. Get liquored up and attempt to perform the surgery on myself, after all I have most of the necessary tools and several sets of vice grips. The obvious drawback to this option was getting too liquored up and passing out before I finished the surgery, or worse yet…Waking up in my maintenance bay with my pants off and a set of vice grips attached to something important.

2. I spoke with my four legged children’s (Doc and Sadie) Veterinarian and he agreed to do the surgery after I had my rabies and distemper shots. But they also said something about it being “Spade and Neuter Month” and that made me feel uncomfortable so…

3. I met with my taxidermist and after signing several non-disclosure agreements with him; He kept asking me how I wanted to “be mounted” and frankly that made me feel icky.

Q: Dear Wizard!

I got a question and I need an answer!

My cable provider here in Indiana doesn’t have the Big Ten Network.

Do you have any solutions? I want to see my Hoosiers!

Thank you!

Toby – Terre Haute, Indiana

A: Thank you so much for this email Toby!

I needed a good laugh today!!!!

Somebody wanting to “pay” to see the Indiana Hoosiers play football!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

That cracked me up! Thank you for the great laugh!

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

I think you are being overly critical of Coach Rich Rod of Arizona’s wife in the past

I don’t think Rita Rod is an ugly woman, in fact I think she is attractive

Thank you

Stephen – Tempe, Arizona

A: You are certainly entitled to your opinion Stephen

But when your email arrived in brail, I understand that your eyesight may be in question

I’m just saying…

Q: Dear Sir

Your categorization of Native American’s last week was the most offensive article I have ever read in my entire life.

I won’t dignify your ignorance on American Indians with a response, but suffice to say you don’t know anything about Indians.

Sincerely

Running Feather – Yankton, South Dakota

A: You are incorrect in your assumption that I don’t know anything about Indians

For example I know….

The Indians and Pakistanis have single handedly cornered both the Slushy and the Motel 6 market in this country.

Q: Mister Wizard will you be shopping this year on “Black Friday”?

What gift ideas are you looking to get a deal on this year?

Thank you!

Debbie – Branson, Missouri

A: Debbie, I will not be baited into your “racist rhetoric”

I no more shop on Black Friday than I do on Mexican Monday or Trinidad Tobago Tuesday….But since you are asking, I will do my shopping on the same day I always do

White Wednesday

Q: You are the dumbest @#$ of a *&$%^ alive!

All you are doing is stirring a pot of #$%^ without a spoon.

There is NOTHING going ON at Florida State that hasn’t been investigated!

Get it straight dumbass!

Evan – [email protected]_ _ _ _ _.com

A: Evan I will grant you that I am not the smartest person around and I can give references to support that claim. But I’m certainly not the dumbest, because I’m not a democrat

Q: Hey Mister CFB Wizard

There has been a lot of talk about “How Great!” Coach Fisher and the Seminoles are…

Well who do you think trained that Coach?

The same guy with a giant statue on the Florida State campus, that’s who!

Why isn’t anybody talking about how great he still is, I ask you!

If it wasn’t for that great Coach then there wouldn’t be a Coach Fisher and last years Championship!

Ok, I’m done I have to take a nap

Doobie Howden – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Don’t be alarmed, Coach Bobby still gets confused sometimes….

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard

I have a question I hope you can help me out with

I have seen Tennessee in gray uniforms, black uniforms etc.

So what are the” official” school colors of the University of Tennessee?

Thanks!

Ted – Athens, Georgia

A: Funny you should ask Ted, this past week the University of Tennessee Athletic Director “announced” the official colors for the Volunteer Football Team this coming season.

The current list of “official” University of Tennessee school colors is as follows:

Orangutan Orange
County Work Crew Orange
Road Cone Orange
Hunters Orange
Glow in the Dark Neon Orange
Cheetos Orange
Baboon ass Orange
Pumpkin Orange
Orange peel Orange
Cheese Curl Orange
Nehi Soda Orange
Orange Crème
Infected Spider Bite Orange
Just plain Orange
Teal
Light Blue
Magenta
White
Off-White
Cream
And

Black

One More thing….

This week you have a long overdue article on MikeRights.com that should give you a reason to laugh or at least giggle uncontrollably.

And in case you were wondering…My Book will be on the shelves after Thanksging

Seriously……

And Next Week

You will have another installment from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator

So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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