A Cautionary Tale

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Before Your 2016 Preseason College Football Picks arrive next week, it has occurred to me that although I am quick to dispense a variety advice to others which I consider to be sound and full of wisdom.

I don’t always follow my own advice….

Consider this Article as an example

“Your Cautionary Tale” on Tailgating 101

As I have detailed to nausea for most of you readers….

I am a seasoned College Football Tailgater

No, that’s not right at all, I’m a professional

Truth be told I was still celebrating Alabama’s National Championship up until July 4th

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, it’s How I Roll

That being said I began preparing my Pre-Tailgating preparations for the 2016 College Football Season in mid-July, which as you might imagine involve “sampling” a variety of tailgating treats and adult beverages for the upcoming season’s experience.

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, don’t judge me, I already told you I was a Professional

This past weekend, I had what can only be described as a “2016 College Football Preseason Party” at the infamous RTR Farm.

There were fans of nearly every team in attendance with the only requirement for participation in this epic event was to bring a tailgating dish or beverage selection of their choice, for this “pregame day” experience.

Now if you are wondering what a variety of college football fans would travel great distances to attend such a preseason college football event in the middle of nowhere.

I have but one question

Who wouldn’t want to spend an entire afternoon with the World Famous CFB Wizard?

EDITORS NOTE: My point exactly

But as I said earlier, I consider myself to a human dispenser of “good advice” on everything college football. To be more specific, on the current subject of tailgating what is always “Rule Number One” when tailgating with people you are unfamiliar with?

“Be careful what you eat and or drink if you yourself didn’t prepare it”

So as the afternoon unfolded I was approached by an Auburn lady who insisted that I try her “famous” Ten Bean Guacamole Cheese Dip, while she added…

“You have never tasted anything like this in your life!”

I took a tortilla chip from the decorative Auburn Tiger Helmet chip container she was carrying and dragged the chip through the bowl of the dip.

But I noticed as I brought the chip to my mouth that the dip smelled like a combination of kerosene and mercury.

I had a decision to make here and I violated rule Number 23 of any group Tailgating experience, which clearly states; “If it smells funny, don’t eat it”.

But did I take my own advice here?

No, I didn’t

I placed the chip into my mouth and while attempting to say….

“This is really something”

Nearly gagging, but chewing quickly I swallowed the putrid mess quickly.

The after taste in my mouth tasted like hair gel and a baboons ass.

After exchanging parting pleasantries it occurred to me there as a prison in Alabama close to Auburn and this “substance” was probably designed for use in maximum security to punish uncooperative inmates.

EDITORS NOTE: As I look back on this experience I think my first mistake was allowing any Auburn fans into the event in the first place.

I desperately needed something to wash the taste out of my mouth, so as I headed to one of the many coolers arrayed in a variety of university colors, I was stopped by a couple of Tennessee fans holding something on a tray that I wasn’t quite sure what it was.

EDITORS NOTE: Please remember Tailgating Rule Number 13 here…

“Do not ever accept any tailgating food from a University of Tennessee Fan; it could be a possum or something from the side of the road”.

Grinning widely the gentlemen dressed from head to toe in neon orange said “Hey Mister Wizard we done made something especially for you!” “My wife here can whip up the best dang snacks you ever tasted, these is called “The Big Orange BBQ mini sandwiches!”

In all fairness, I don’t know any good Southerner who can’t be caught in a leg-hold trap with the use of BBQ. But, still there is the issue of Tailgating Rule Number 23, right?

I picked one of the mini BBQ sandwiches up and was in the process of placing into my mouth when a thought occurred to me, or maybe it was my conscience.

But I clearly heard a soft still voice in the back of my head, gently say…

“I wouldn’t do this if I were you”

EDITORS NOTE:
We have been given a conscience for a reason my friends, listen to it…

But as you might imagine, I do like to please my “fans” so I placed the mini sandwich in my mouth.

It became abundantly clear to me that I had what felt like a mouth full of fire ants.

Mrs. University Tennessee felt obligated to say at this point “It’s got some hot dang peppers in it, I hope you like them kind of peppers”

EDITORS NOTE:
That would have been some damn valuable information prior to this taste tasting.

I felt my entire body break into a sweat and my mouth begin to blister.

The grinning Mr. University of Tennessee suddenly became the master of the obvious when he said, “It’s Hot Ain’t it?”

No time for me to comment, I more or less swallowed the fiery contents and mumbled something that sounded like a cry of pain.

As I sprinted for the coolers, knowing that a cold adult beverage would make “everything” better, I felt something moving inside me.

I stopped short of the coolers and bent over with my hands on my knees.

Let me say this simply…

I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined existed except in horror movies

My stomach was making noises like Chewbacca does when he is angry

Cramps

Sweating…

Bloating beyond my worst nightmare

Then came the flatulence

Heavens to Murgatrod, the sounds that came from body….

Like trumpets calling the demons back to hell….the stench, like a 1000 corpses vomited.

My party guests who were in my immediate vicinity began to gag, while children cried and they all began running towards their vehicles leaving food, coolers and chairs.

Even my ever loyal companions my Black Lab “Doc” and my German Sheppard “Sadie” took off for the back forty.

I had to get to the restroom in my house, I just had too.

I had my pants off and one shoe on by the time I hit the front door

And I was nearly naked by the time I got to the toilet near my bedroom.

EDITORS NOTE: I have an unproven medical theory I would like to share with you here…

Have you ever noticed that the closer you get to the toilet the worse you have to go?

My theory…

Your butt can smell water

That aside what came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw.

It felt like Napalm and Satan’s lava was shooting out of my butt at the same time

My butt was screaming.

It was at this point drenched in sweat that I planned on putting my burning buttocks in a cooler of ice when this toxic torrent subsided and made a mental note to fumigate my house on Monday.

How do put this gently

I was on the toilet until my socks and watch didn’t fit.

Sometime that afternoon, I don’t know the exact time because I may have flushed my watch down the toilet on the fifth flushing, I’m not sure.

I stumbled outside with the intent of placing my still burning buttocks in a drink cooler.

The first thing I noticed was the tattered remains of my tailgating party.

The scene before me told the tale of my guests fleeing for their lives.

Overturned tables and chairs

Coolers, chairs and team colored tents left behind with banners dancing in the breeze.

Not a single vehicle in sight

Even my Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band “Freebird” had fled the scene for their lives.

There are no words to describe my embarrassment, I was just thankful no one was around when I eased by butt into a cooler of ice to stem.

I swear I saw steam coming from the cooler

Doc and Sadie cautiously returned home some fifteen minutes later looking at me questioningly with their big brown eyes.

Sometime in the next few days all the tailgating guests returned for their university gear, coolers, tents, etc.

I don’t know if I will host such an event again next year.

But I do know, that “IF” I do

I will refer to Tailgating Rule Number 2….

“Never eat or drink anything from a rival school”

Speaking of number 2….

I have to run

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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