College Football Picks Week 5

September 27, 2012
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Do you know what the difference is between a Genius and a Dumbass?

The answer is; “One Week”

But at “least” I picked the Mighty Oregon State Beavers over the UCLA Bruins.

I Love me Some Beavers…

Enjoy Your Picks…

POST GAME RE-CAP

As was previously mentioned….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator went from wearing a crown to a dunce cap all in one week as last week I was a rather sub-par 51 and 16 or 76% (Ouch)

That leaves us at 266 and 48 or 85% for the season after four weeks of college football.

But there are worse things that could have happened…

I could be stranded on a desert island with cannibal midgets…

Or I could be a college football team in the Big Ten…

Either way….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

COLORADO: Hell has indeed frozen over….

The Buffalos won a football game

This is the first sign of the coming Apocalypse

ILLINOIS: The “not so” Fighting Pumpkins got the living hell beaten out of them last week by the Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (That’s right I said Louisiana Tech)

There is a bright side to this debacle Illinois….

You don’t have to play LSU

UTAH: I am starting to believe….

That you will need more than “TWO UTES” if you are going to win any more games

KENTUCKY: Didn’t I tell you all “before” the season that you wouldn’t win more than two games?

You’re Welcome

AIR FORCE: Damn it….

OREGON: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

KANSAS STATE: (Please see Oregon above)

FLORIDA STATE: (Ditto for Oregon comment above)

TENNESSEE: As you may know by now I typically don’t have anything good to say about the University of Tennessee, particularly during the “Fat” Phil Fulmer era.

But this news deserves recognition.

At University of Tennessee home games in Neyland Stadium before the National Anthem is played the announcer will ask everyone in the stadium to stand for the invocation.

That’s right I said “Invocation”

As in prayer for the participants from both universities in the game

But recently, an atheist group from Pennsylvania (That’s right I said Pennsylvania) heard about the practice and attempted to sue the University of Tennessee to make them stop having prayer before the game.

I won’t bother you with all the flowery legal language the University of Tennessee responded with in their response to the gibbering left wing nut bags from yankee land.

I will summarize their response as such:

“You damn idiots can kiss our Tennessee Ass, we are going to keep on praying before football games.”

God Bless the University of Tennessee for taking a stand and might I also say….

Go Vols

NEW MEXICO: Congratulations on winning the coveted “Maloof Trophy” over Lasso Larry last week

But I still think the trophy looks like petrified Rhino turd…

I’m Just saying…

NOTRE DAME: As most of you may have heard, the Fighting Irish will be playing “5” Atlantic Coast Conference opponents next year, although they will not join the conference to play football.

However what you do not now is this….

In an unprecedented move by the Irish football team, they have decided to play the Duke Blue Devils “5” consecutive times next year as to avoid playing more powerful ACC teams.

The Notre Dame Athletic Department spokesperson Father Herman McFeely explained it this way when he said “We prefer to play teams that meet our academic standards and Duke appears to be the only university in the ACC that can match our academic excellence, so we have opted to play them on consecutive dates, all in our home stadium. This is also the very same rationale of why we dropped the University of Michigan from our football schedule. We have determined from reviewing a number of interviews with Wolverine football players that they aren’t too bright. Continuing this long series with Michigan would only serve to damage our reputation in academic excellence”

And there you have it….

OHIO: “The Most Exciting Band in the Land” is what they call the Bobcat Marching Band….

This video is why we should be seeing the Marching Bands on television at halftime instead of listening to gibbering idiots in the damn studio telling us what we already know. I love these kids…

ARKANSAS: The Razorbacks will now be sponsored by “Life Alert” for the remainder of the season…

Because it appears they have fallen and can’t get up….

WESTERN KENTUCKY: If the Hilltoppers were in the Big Ten Conference

I would pick them to win the conference and go to the Rose Bowl…

IOWA: Ok let me explain this for all you Hawkeye fans so you can understand it….

Last week you lost to the Chippewa’s’ (That’s right I said the Central Michigan Chippewa’s’)

YOU have a running back that is half the size and weight of a Chevy Suburban…

Last week against the “mighty” Chippewa’s’ he ran 27 times for over two hundred yards….

Listen closely here comes the good part….

YOU should have RAN him ALL DAMN DAY and then maybe you would have won the game

It’s simple, right?

Please try to follow this simple logic in the coming weeks.

No Need to thank me

OREGON STATE: Great Win last Week for Coach Riley and the Mighty Beavers!

I be loving me some Beavers…

TENNESSEE PART II: In an effort to keep my reporting on the University of Tennessee “fair and balanced” I think it only correct that I balance the earlier article with this piece of information.

The recent party craze at the University of Tennessee fraternities is called…..

(Wait for it)

“Butt Chugging”

Yes, you read that correctly

A University of Tennessee student, Alexander Broughton age 20, has almost died last week after being given an ‘alcohol enema’ at a college fraternity house.

He was rushed to a local hospital unconscious after a rubber tube was inserted into his rectum and copious amounts of alcohol were poured into the rubber tube.

The practice, known among students as ‘butt chugging’, took place during a party at the Pi Kappa Alpha House on the grounds of the University of Tennessee.

Supposedly using the enema speeds up the process of alcohol entering the blood stream because it bypasses the liver’s filters.

The 20-year-old was found to have a dangerously-high blood alcohol level of ‘well over’ 0.4.
Hospital staff treating the unconscious student at first thought he was the victim of a sexual assault when they examined his body.

EDITORS NOTES: There are SO many things I could say here, but I will just say this…

At the University of Alabama we enjoy our alcohol the “old fashioned way”

We drink it…..

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS AND VIEWS

Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!

Wow!!! What a great Friday night for the Telfair Trojans!!!

The Boys in Blue took the trip to Portal to take on the AAA Southeast Bulloch Yellow Jackets and came away with an impressive 28-21 non-conference win! The boys jumped out to a 28-6 halftime lead and then held on for dear life to come away with the win. Rashawn Mackey led the way for Telfair with 98 yards on 14 carries and 2 big touchdowns. Abraham Freeman kicked in another 98 yards on 7 carries including a big 77 yard ramble that put set up another touchdown. Quarterback Kevin Clark was 3 for 5 in the passing department, including a 57 yard TD strike to the shifty speed merchant Kelvin Clay. It’s been a long time since there’s been a buzz like this around town and these kids are giving it their all to represent McRae and Telfair County with pride. Next up for the team is a visit from one of the powerhouses of Region 2-A, the Clinch County Panthers. These Cats will be intent on putting a damper on an unexpected 3-1 season but I’m sure the Big Blue Machine will be ready. This will open the door for Region 2-A play and determine who’s in the driver’s seat for Region supremacy.

In Athens, the Canines from Clark County made the visiting Commodores walk the plank as they completely overwhelmed the Naval Officers by a score of 48-3. Leading the way for the Hounds was QB Aaron Murray threw for 250 yards and 2 TDs, ran for another, and was then rested in the 4th quarter. The Dawgs have scored 40 or more points in their first 4 games, a first for the Cow College. The Dawgs will put their 2-0 Conference record to the test as they play host to the Knoxville Vols, who would love nothing more than to spoil a dream season thus far. The news wasn’t as pleasant over on the Flats as the North Avenue Trade School fell to a bunch of feisty Hurricanes by a score of 36-42. It was a strange game for the Wreck as the “U” scored the first 19 points, the Bees answered with 36 of their own, and then Miami closed out the scoring with the final 23. The Jackets had enough offense, but the D once again buckled under the glare of this big game. The Techsters better find a way to plug the leaks against Middle Tennessee next week because looming on the horizon is a big game against an angry bunch of Cats from Clemson who will be itching to thump the Bees. Up in Statesboro, the Mighty Blue Birds of Eagle Creek took on a pesky bunch from Elon and came away with a tough, hard fought 23-20 win. The Eagles looked like they may have still had some hangover from a bad night in Charleston as they amassed 85 yards in penalties, 3 fumbles lost, and another blocked field goal. Although they gave up over 300 passing yards, it was actually the D that came up with a key interception to secure the victory. Next up for the Eagles is undefeated Samford who are coming off a 44-23 pounding of Gardner Webb. I’m sure Coach Monken will come up with some midweek magic to patch the holes in preparation for the Mighty Mutts from Birmingham.

Down in Tallahassee, the much anticipated barn burner never materialized as the Tomahawk Chopping Tribe from Tallahassee wore down and eventually wore out the Kitties from Clemson. However, despite the loss, the Cats put up some impressive numbers on the “SEC like” defense of the ‘Noles. The final was 49 – 37 for the homestanding Indians but you never really felt like the Tigers were out of it. Over in T-Town, about the only thing that the Bama faithful could complain about in a 40-7 trouncing of the Owls of FAU is that they didn’t get the shutout and didn’t cover the spread. The Pachyderms rode roughshod over the overmatch birds in a tune-up game prior to a meeting in T-Town with Ole Miss. And in one that left me scratching my head, the Bayou Bengals stumbled to a less than lopsided victory over the punch drunk War Eagles of the Plains. There were more questions raised than answered as the Cats from Alabama held a halftime lead which the Louisiana Felines finally overcame to claw out a victory. The result was a slide to 3rd in the polls for LSU and a little bit of hurt pride. The Battle of Columbia’s turned out to be little more than a mild skirmish as the Chickens of South Carolina powered their way to a 31-10 victory over the Tigers from out Missouri way. In the victory, Connor Shaw completed 20 straight passes and ended the night 20 for 21 in the passing department. Not bad for a kid with a bum wing.

Elsewhere, Notre Dame put on an astounding offensive display to top the Rodents of Michigan by a 13-6 score and climb up to #10 in the rankings. Gotta wonder what’s happened to the Wolverines. And the Big Brown Nuts of Ohi-yer almost got more than they bargained for from the visiting UAB Blazers. The “other” Alabama team blocked a punt to go up on the Buck-sters early but fell on the short end of a 29-15 score.

Things I like:

Mississippi State – The Starkville Canines are undefeated at this point of the season and I’m watching and pulling for them. They don’t have the storied program of other major programs throughout the Country, but it’s good for the SEC to have another team pushing for grand and glorious heights. I realize they’ve only played one Conference game to this point but that 4-0 record is no doubt bringing heightened anticipation to their loyal fans. The going starts to get tougher as The Dogs play 7 of their next 8 games against SEC opponents. But, on a positive note they do catch the Crimson Tide and Bayou Bengals on their home turf. Good Luck Mississippi State!!!

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE GAMES

Thursday September 27th

Stanford at Washington
This of course is a “really big” game in the PAC 12 Conference…
And you know what that means, right?
Absolutely nothing…
CARDINAL 28-24

Wingate at Carson Newman
I just don’t like the name “Wingate”
It sounds like some snobby rich kid that always wears an ascot to school
SPARKS EAGLES 41-24

Friday September 28th

Hawaii at Brigham Young
I only mention this because Hawaii is playing on Primetime
But I wish the new season for “Dog the Bounty Hunter” would start..
I love that guy; he makes me laugh
COUGARS 31-28

Saturday September 29th

Florida State at South Florida
O’ Yeah this One will be Close!
NOT………………….
JIMBO’S NOLES 53-10

West Georgia at West Alabama
This one will be something to see as West travels West to meet the West
Kind of makes you dizzy just thinking about it doesn’t it?
WEST BAMA TIGERS 31-21

Clemson at Boston College
They call this game “The Battle for the Leather Helmet”
And It’s played for the coveted “O’Rourke McFadden Trophy”
Personally I would take the leather helmet over the trophy…
Those things are fun, even when you are alone
Forget I mentioned it…
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Juniata at John Hopkins
I wonder if this is the same Johnny Hopkins I knew from High School shop class?
He used to huff gasoline and then run around and pretend he was a Dinosaur
It’s probably not the same guy, never mind
J-LO 23-17

Middle Tennessee State at Georgia Tech
Since this isn’t going to be much a football game….
I would like to say that the “Varsity” located just off the Tech campus
Has the greatest chili dogs and French fries in the entire world…
There is nothing like it anywhere..
YELLOW JACKETS 41-10

Louisiana Tech at Virginia
I don’t eat a lot of Chinese food, primarily because I don’t like to find flea collars in my food.
(Call me old fashioned)
But that aside, I think according to their calendar it’s the year of the Dog
BULLDOGS 31-17

Virginia Tech at Cincinnati
While I was trying to write something “cleaver” for this particular game relating to the Hokies, it occurred to me, something that was quite disturbing.
The only thing worse than “Butt Chugging” is Butt Chugging while you are doing the “Hokey Pokey”
That just sounds unbelievably nasty….
FIGHTING TURKEY’S 28-17

North Carolina State at Miami (FL)
These two teams have more personalities than a bath salt smoking schizophrenic
I have no idea which one is going to show up this Saturday
PACK OF WOLVES 31-28

Baylor at West Virginia
If I owned a second hand furniture store in Morgantown two years ago
I would have had more money than Ernest Tubb by now
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 41-31

Buffalo at Connecticut
The folks from upstate New York may not have a very good football team….
But their wings sure are tasty….
HUSKIES 34-10

Indiana at Northwestern
This “big” rivalry in the Big Ten, err Twelve is played for the highly coveted….
“Flaming Bag of Dog Poop Trophy”
Whatever you do, please don’t try and put the fire out with your shoe…
I’m just saying
WILDCATS 28-17

Stony Brook at Army
Let’s try this again; I am picking you to “win”, so you are under some obligation to “win”, get it?
BLACK KNIGHTS OF HUDSON 31-10

Moravian at Ursinus
I don’t know how you get a urinary sinus infection…..
But I am guessing it has to do with having your head somewhere it doesn’t belong
MORONS 28-14

Penn State at Illinois
I still believe….
NITTANY LIONS 24-17

Missouri at Central Florida
The Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged Boy Band)
Will not enjoy meeting MO or his Tigers….
I’m just saying…
MO’S TIGERS 43-24

Minnesota at Iowa
This old rivalry is played for the Floyd of Rosedale
And in case you didn’t know what that is, it’s a great big ole bronze pig
You know what they say….
“You can’t catch the pig unless you get muddy”
HAWKEYES 21-17

Ball State at Kent State
I can’t help it….
Every time I hear something about the “Golden Flashes”
I think somebody got naked and ran away from the nursing home (again)
CARDINALS 28-24

Arkansas at Texas A&M
I wish I had better news for my faithful Razorback readers…..
But I don’t…
GIG EM AGGIES 43-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
That Muhlenberg gal is no match for Susie…..
But I will give her this….
Her toenails are so long she could climb a telephone pole bare-footed
SUSIE-Q 28-17

Duke at Wake Forest
This rivalry on Tobacco Road won’t determine a National Champion
Or even a Conference Championship….
But they hate each other all the same
BLUE DEVILS 33-28

Nevada at Texas State
This one is rather simple…..
Dogs tree Cats; it’s what they do….
WOLF PACK 43-10

Colorado State at Air Force
This game played in Rocky Mountain Country is played for the Ram – Falcon Trophy
I like both of these teams, so it’s hard for me to be unbiased here
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28

Southern Arkansas at Arkansas Monticello
This tussle in Arkansas is called “The Battle of the Timberlands”
(No, this has nothing to do with the brand of shoes…)
It’s going to be a good one…
FIGHTN’ BOLL WEEVILS 24-23

Tulsa at UAB
The Blazers of UAB haven’t won a game yet this season….
Have no fear…
Their record stays intact, congratulations
GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Miami (OH) at Akron
This game in the Land of the Buckeyes is a tossup
Take your pick…
ZIPPY the PINHEAD 28-24

Tennessee at Georgia
This game is going to be a brawl between the hedges….
Until the final whistle blows, believe it
HUNKER DOWN BIG DAWGS 31-28

EDITORS NOTES: As a safety tip for any Tennessee Fans traveling to the game…

The University of Georgia does not condone or indorse “Butt Chugging”

It’s not how they roll…..

Ohio State at Michigan State
This Big “Whatever” Conference rivalry game will come down to who has the ball last…
It’s going to be a good one…
BUCKEYES 24-20

Troy at South Alabama
I think this one is going to get uglier than a “Butt Chugging Party”
I’m sorry, I just can’t leave it alone…
MEN OF TROY 43-10

Ohio at Massachusetts
The Bobcats are on a roll and the Minutemen are playing like Minute Maids
FRANK’S CATS 31-17

North Carolina Wesleyan at LaGrange
Is this game “at” LaGrange?
Well, in the immortal words of “that little ole band from Texas” ZZ Top…
“Haw Haw Haw Haw….”
THE CHICKEN RANCH 28-17

Idaho at North Carolina
Nothing says entertainment to me…
Like watching the “Ida-Honkeys” perform at halftime…
At least they have that going for them
TAR HEELS 31-14

Houston at Rice
This “game” is called the Bayou Bucket Classic
And it’s played for the highly sought after “Bayou Bucket”
Let me break this one down for you…
This game should be called “The Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Classic”
Because both of these teams suck
HOOTERS 21-17

San Jose State at Navy
I could have sworn I saw the Naval Academy “Goat” mascot last week…
It was in Wal Mart at two a.m. wearing a raccoon skin cap, buying a case of Budweiser
On second thought, it might not have been the mascot after all…
Never mind
MIDSHIPMEN 31-28

Central Michigan at Northern Illinois
This game features “Dogs and Chippewa’s’….”
That’s fun if you say it really fast
CHIPPEWA’S’ 28-24

Marshall at Purdue
The Mighty Thundering Herd will keep this close for a while…
Then it’s going to be all….
BOILERMAKERS 34-17

Kutztown at Slippery Rock
I wonder if Kutztown is anywhere near “Funky Town”?
If that song is in your head now, I am deeply sorry
SLIP N SLIDE 28-21

Louisiana Monroe at Tulane
Let me explain this game in terms that all Green Wave Fans can understand…
You all are going to get the living hell beaten out of you on Saturday
You’re Welcome
WARHAWKS 41-10

Arizona State at California
I have a very good reason “why” this game is important
Let me get back with you on that one..
SUNNY DEVILS 28-27

UCLA at Colorado
I really wish I cared about this game…
But I don’t
BRUINS 35-17

Boise State at New Mexico
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly, I don’t consider this much of an upset..
LOBO’S 24-17

Towson at LSU
If you like to tour slaughter houses or enjoy any movie about Custer’s Last Stand…
Then you are going to love this game…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 77-0

South Carolina at Kentucky
You got to hand it to the Kentucky Wildcats this season
At least they are consistent…
GAMECOCKS 35-3

Texas Christian at Southern Methodist
This fierce rivalry in the Fort Worth – Dallas area, has never been hotter
The game is called the “Battle for the Iron Skillet” and the winner gets “The Iron Skillet”
My Ponies make it two in a row…..
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-31

Texas Tech at Iowa State
I was watching Tech Coach Tommy Tub the other day in an interview….
And it occurred to me for maybe the very first time…
Tommy Tub has got a head that looks like an Ant Eater…
I’m just saying…
CYCLONES 24-21

Stevenson University at Misericordia
What the heck is a “Misericordia”?
That sounds like something important is infected….
STEVIE RAY 24-17

Texas El Paso at East Carolina
Last week we had “Talk Like a Pirate Day”
That’s good enough for me here…
PIRATES 34-24

Western Kentucky at Arkansas State
Although the Red Wolves of Arkansas are undefeated at Home this year…
There is No Way that I am going against the Hilltoppers of Western after the last two weeks
HILLTOPPERS 33-24

Texas at Oklahoma State
I cannot pick against my beloved Longhorns….
It’s against my religion
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 31-28

Louisville at Southern Miss
As I recall I said at the beginning of the season that the Cardinals would finish the season undefeated…
Enough Said…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-28

Wisconsin at Nebraska
The Cheese Heads invades the Land of Corn this weekend
But the bad news is…
The Nebraska Boys are lactose intolerant
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 27-17

UTSA at New Mexico State
Why are the Aggies playing the United Tennis Sissy’s Association?
The Aggies better watch out if that Serena Williams girl is on the team…
She has got a butt that wouldn’t fit in the bed of a county dump truck
LASSO LARRY 38-14

St Olaf at St Johns (MN)
How can you “not” pull for a Saint named “Olaf”?
My point exactly…
I bet he was a big ole boy….
ST OLIES 23-17

UNLV at Utah State
The Rebels ran over my Air Force Falcons last week….
But they will have no such luck with these Aggies
Believe it
AGGIES 34-17

Ole Miss at Alabama
I just want to take this opportunity to say that the Ole Miss “Rebel Black Bear ” mascot..
Is the dumbest damn thing to come out of Mississippi since Houston Nutt
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10

Oregon State at Arizona
I wouldn’t call this an upset….
And you shouldn’t either
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Ouachita Baptist at Southeastern Oklahoma
How can you not pick a team with a cool name like “The Mule Riders”?
When you’re Baptist
Sorry…..
GOTCHA BAPTIST 28-24

San Diego State at Fresno State
The Ancient Aztecs from the Land that is called San Diego travel north to Fresno..
And take a left at Pismo Beach….
BULLDOGS 43-24

Oregon at Washington State
This game is going to get uglier than a drunken aardvark on a rampage…
Don’t laugh; it happens
QUACKERS 68-10

Shorter at North Alabama
I have some bad news for the visiting team….
Shorter just doesn’t measure up to my beloved Lions…
MIGHTY FLORENCE LIONS 38-17

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

One Response to College Football Picks Week 5

  1. Jim Mallory on September 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    BAMA Mike, Thank you for positive support of MSU Bulldogs. I hope that you are well! Thanks again for all your hard work and wonderful “CBF Wizard.” You know, I think this sport called “Football” is gonna be big in the State of ALABAMA, someday!! Your Pal, Jim

Leave a Reply

Archives