Hootie’s Christmas Message…

December 22, 2014
By

Howdy folks!!!! It’s me!! Hootie Snitch, the Number One Tennessee Vol Fan in that whole dang Unerverse!!! You know, me and that Collidge Wizird fella is just about thick as thieves so he told me he wanted me to send him somethin an let him know how I’s doin cause he aint herd nothin from me in a wall.

You no last year was rouff for somma us in these hills but it’s a gonna be one helluva Chrismis this year cause my beloved wife Miss Thelma is done gone and had us a bambeeno!!!! By ME!!! So let me tell ya all about it!!!!
 
 Two, three months after Chrismas, had to get up to Howards.
We was needin some butter n some milk n some flower.
 
The mailman was early, tha garbage man too.
They was grinnin and smilin, and away off ah flew.
 
Now we been a tryin for eight years or nine,
to have us a young’un, I felt way behind.
 
See we aint spring chickens, so it was a chore,
to get my girl Thelma, spun up, that’s for shore.
 
Even went to a dockter, said my car wouldn’t crank,
I think what she meant, is that I’s shootin blanks.
 
Well, like I was sayin, I headed up town,
but Joe Bob and Buzzy was still hangin around.
 
But when I got back, Thelma had a big grin.
No sign a them boys, and I scratched my chin.
 
Lookin back on it now, thangs start to add up.
Like lookin’ and readin’, tea leaves in a cup.
 
Cause all of a sudden, Miss Thelma’d get sick.
First thing in the mornin, she’d puke out a brick.
 
And then she would eat, like a hog in a wallow.
Hell, she’d put it down, like there was no tomorrow
 
She started to swell, couldn’t fit in her jeans.
We thought it was hormones, and them dang lima beans.
 
Now six or eight months had done gone and passed.
She caint even clean, that girl would be gassed!!!
 
Well, after nine months, I heard a big splatter.
So I jumped from the rocker, to see what’s the matter.
 
When what to my wondrin’ eye’s did I see??
But the head of a baby, boy did that surprise me!!!
 
 I grabbed me a pillow, a blanket and rags.
That young’un was messy, went back for some bags.
 
He slithered on out like a snake from a pit.
Caught him on the fly, with my old catchers mit.
 
He was nekkid and pank from his head to his toe,
and his legs was all crooked, man did them dang thangs bow!!!
 
I got me some scissors to cut off that cord.
Tied a double hitch knot, man my spirits soared!!!
 
Then deep down inside, I began to get wary,
thinkin’ bout Joe Bob and Buzzy was scarey.
 
But then when I saw, all that hair on his head,
I knew right away, there’s no need to dread.
 
Cause that little fella, had a full head a hair.
And it was bright orange, that answered my prayer.
 
It was wiry and curly, just like a bed spring,
JUST LIKE MINE I cried out and started to sang.
 
So I loaded em up, in my ole pickup truck
Yeah, she started first try, man did I have some luck!!!
 
Yep, we had a miracle, sent straight from God.
A Christmas time baby, man I was just awed.
 
So, from up on this mountain, ever’thang is alright.
Merry Christmas to you, hope you have a good night.

Hootie- Out!

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