2012 Preseason Extravaganza

August 6, 2012
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Yes, it’s that time of the year again….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator (insert drum roll here)

Presents Part I of the 2012 Edition of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza..

Why do I go to so much trouble for you my loyal readers?

Because I care

THE 2012 COLLEGE FOOTBALL PRESEASON EXTRAVAGANZA

My Diet Book

Before we get into the Preseason Extravaganza let’s catch up on a few things from the offseason

Many of you have been kind enough of to send me a variety of emails during the off season asking:

“What have you been doing during the offseason this year?”

Most of you by now are aware that after I completed writing my first book, to be published in the Spring of 2013, I embarked on a journey to bring health and fitness to the millions of Americans suffering with obesity. With that in mind I wrote what has been described as….

“The most revolutionary diet book of its kind”

Soon to be on the New York Times Best seller list….

It’s called….

“You’re Fat Don’t Eat That”

There are no calorie counting cards, no dancing to old people on a DVD and you don’t have to order any exercise balls or meals through the mail that taste like wet cardboard.

My book is short and to the point as I take a rather nontraditional approach to dieting. Rather than being supportive and non-judgmental, my book is more condemnation and shame based.

After spending $39.95 on my 3-D pop-up book (yes, 3-D glasses are included) you will open the book to find a finger leaping out at you from the page, pointing at you from the book stating “You’re Fat Don’t Eat That!”

And as a side note I must say, the illustrations are magnificent
The premise to my diet book is simple….

Before you decide on what you are going to eat, you simply open the book to determine if you should make that particular choice for a meal or a snack.

In no time the pounds will melt away….

You are Welcome

And Lastly from the Off Season…..

The Worst Off-Season Idea of the Year

Uncle Jerry’s Day Care in Sandusky Ohio….

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…

Funniest Wedding Cake

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that the Toomer’s Oak on the cake doesn’t have any leaves….

I simply don’t have the words…..

Worst Lunch Promotion Idea

EDITORS NOTE: It has been my experience that burrito’s will cause some form of wetness “after” you eat them….This must be something new…

Worst Idea for a Rivalry T-Shirt

EDITORS NOTE: Other than the screwed up grammar….Seriously?

Weirdest Fan Picture

Recently this picture was sent to me by a young Kentucky Wildcat Fan

EDITORS NOTE: Now I know why they call Kentucky “Horse Country”

“Get Hooked on Geography” The Texas A&M Version…..

This T-Shirt is being sold by Texas A&M to promote their entrance into the Southeastern Conference

EDITORS NOTE: When was North Carolina added to the Southeastern Conference?

I must have missed that one…Dumbass

Preseason Email Questions and Answers

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
My family and I are looking to relocate to the South part of the States, but without offending you or any of your readers, I have to say we simply don’t understand the southerners frenzy over college football.
With that being said is there any place in the South that isn’t a crazy “football” town?
Thank you
The Thornberry’s – Seattle, Washington

A: Might I suggest Lexington Kentucky or Oxford Mississippi, to my knowledge the local residents there are blissfully unaware such a sport exist at their university.

Q: Dear Sir
Like everyone else these days, I work too much and don’t ever seem to have time to relax and catch my breath. I know that what I am getting ready to ask you is WAY off your normal line of questions, but I need a quiet place to relax and unwind before the college football season kicks off. Do you know of a quiet place I could go to for a few days to just enjoy some peace and quiet?
Thanks Mister Wizard I appreciate it
Paul – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Paul the quietest place on earth that I know of would be at former Arkansas Razorback’s Coach Bobby Petrino’s house on either Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
I bet you could hear a mouse peeing on a ball of cotton in that house during that time of year….

Q: Mister Wizard I am SO Excited! After months of waiting I FINALLY got my acceptance letter to Brigham Young University! I am leaving in a couple of weeks and I couldn’t be more excited!
I don’t know if you know very much about BYU but please be sure and write about us this year!
Thanks!
Jimmie – Provo, Utah

A: Jimmie you can’t be serious?
You actually questioned the depth of my knowledge on BYU?
I know quite a bit about BYU, for instance…..
Do you know the difference between a BYU Co-ed and a Palm tree?
A Palm tree has dates….

Here is another little tidbit I know about BYU…
Did you hear about the new BYU Co-ed Doll?

You put a ring on her finger and she inflates.

Q: Good day kind Sir!
We be writing you from the “Midtown Medieval Renaissance Fair” in Ye Old Champaign Illinois off the Ye Old path called Interstate 57, near the village of the Super Wal-Mart.
Thus my Lord of College Football we have a question that thou only can answer.
Doth thou think that the Fighting Illini of the fiefdom of Illinois can defeat the forces of darkness within the Knights of the Big Ten Conference and regain its former glory and win the Conference title this year?
The Royal Court of Kinko’s of Alexander – Savoy, Illinois

A: Thou doth speaketh as one who doth suffer from the dumbass if thou believeth such dribble.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I work as the Assurance Director of a large cooperation here in Charlotte North Carolina. Most, if not all of us within my department at UNC Tar Heel fans, so with that being said we have a question that we hope you can answer for us.
With all the turmoil surrounding the Tar Heel football program the last few years, will we be able to at least go to a decent bowl game this year?
Assurance Director Andrew G– Charlotte, North Carolina

A: I think the Tar Heels will most certainly go to a Bowl game this year, because after all there are only 143 Bowl games to choose from, so I guess it depends on what you would define as “decent”?

But I have a question for you Andrew….

What exactly does an “Assurance Director” actually do?
Do you walk around from cubicle to cubicle telling the employees with a sincere look on your face…

“Everything is going to be alright, please don’t worry”

I’m just asking

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
We just had a “new” neighbor move in next door and my wife and I think they may be from Indiana although we haven’t spoken with them yet. I know it sounds crazy, but is there a way that you can tell if someone is from Indiana and is a Hoosier fan?
The Eastland Family – Gallatin, Tennessee

A: That isn’t a crazy question at all Eastland family….
Just ask your new neighbors in casual conversation if they happen to know what the State Bird of Indiana is and if they say “Larry” then they are most certainly from Indiana.

Q: Dear College Football Wizard –
We here at the University of Southern California have taken a brighter path to both enlightenment and diversity as well as utilized a source that crude, uncultured senseless people such as yourself couldn’t possibly appreciate. Most recently the Dali Lama visited our fair campus and spoke of enlightenment and the true meaning of success, which we believe will transcend on to our field of play this year as the Mighty Trojans will attempt to win the National Championship.

I write this because; If only you could open your mind to the words of the Dali Lama then perhaps you wouldn’t be so close minded to those around you that have so much to offer.

Butterfly Gonzales Phillips – Los Angeles, California

A: Thank you for that emotional heartfelt letter Butterfly….

For your information I have always wanted to set down with the Dali Lama

And Order a Pizza…..

I would feel compelled to ask him….

“Let’s order ONE with EVERYTHING, what do you say?….”

Was that too deep for some of you? Sorry….

Q: Hey Wizard, before the season kicks-off do you have any good Baylor jokes that I can use when the Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity house opens for the semester?
Thanks man, hey and by the way, we miss you down here in Austin.
Hook Em’ Horns
Matt

A: Matt I appreciate your kind words, I have to get back down to Sixth Street and see if they have that statue up of me yet. I know they have had some funding issues….

But until then Matt, here you go……

A Baylor student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the tired line “Where do y’all go to school?”

The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl…..
But did answer his question.
“Yale,” she replied.
The Baylor student took a big deep breath and shouted,
“WHERE DO Y’ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?”

And a little something extra for you boys on the upcoming 2012 Red River Rivalry game

A young ventriloquist is touring Oklahoma and stops to entertain at a bar in Norman Oklahoma…..
He’s doing his usual stupid Redneck jokes when an OU Linebacker in the audience stands up and says
“I’ve heard just about enough of your smart ass redneck jokes; we ain’t all stupid here in Oklahoma!”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the OU linebacker pipes up:
“You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!”

No need to thank me Matt, it’s what I do….Hook Em’

Q: Hey Mister Wizard! (Smiley Face!)
I know like that you write about like college football and stuff but would you ever like write about something really cool like “Keeping up with the Kardashian’s”? (Smiley Face!)
Chastity – Las Vegas Nevada

A: I’m sorry Chastity; this column is about College Football….
It doesn’t have anything to do with Armenian Whores, an Armenian whorish family or their plastic surgery nightmare former Olympic Athlete of a step-father. And before you ask; I also don’t write about mentally challenged idiots living on the shores of New Jersey.

Q: Hey Wizard!
Other than writing your CFB Wizard Column and working on your book, are you working on any other projects? Your loyal and faithful readers want to know!
Thanks –
Debra and Molly – Memphis, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the kind words ladies…..

Other than my rather revolutionary Diet Book that I described earlier….

I also invented Habanero Tabasco flavored toilet paper….
It really burns my ass that it hasn’t caught on yet

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
We would like to cordially invite you to be the “Guest of Honor” at this year’s National Corn Hole Tournament in Morgantown West Virginia on Labor Day Weekend!

It should be a great time and we hope that you can attend.

Gerald – Morgantown, West Virginia

A: I’m sorry Gerald but I have seen “Deliverance” one too many times to attend such an event….

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

I am a young man and an incoming freshman at the Texas A&M University (Gig Em Aggies!) and I have a rather embarrassing question that I hope you can help me with.

I didn’t really date anyone seriously in High School and I hope I find the perfect woman in college.

Do you have any tips for talking to girls?

Thanks!
Mark – College Station, Texas

A: Don’t be embarrassed Mark, you came to the right place…

And might I also say, Welcome to the Southeastern Conference; we take great pride in helping out rival schools and students with their problems

First things first…

It’s always important to compliment the way a young lady dresses…

For instance you might want to say….

“That outfit looks great on you……
It would look even better crumpled up in a pile in an evidence bag”

Or make small talk if she happens to look exceptionally fit or in shape…

In that instance you might want to say something to the effect…

“Do you know karate? Cause I wanna know if you can fight back”

Women do enjoy good poetry and oftentimes find it romantic…..

You might want to try this….

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought I was ugly, but then I met you”

Welcome to the Southeastern Conference

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!

Have you heard anything about several of the Colorado Buffalo players with personalized license plates on their cars? Isn’t that an NCAA violation or something?

Nick – Casper, Wyoming

A: Thanks for writing Nick….

No, that isn’t an NCAA violation because their Dad’s made them for them in prison.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am currently a customer relationship professional at a large bank here in Lincoln Nebraska. The talk around the bank and with the customers is always about Nebraska Cornhusker football.

Here is the problem; I am an Alumnus of the University of Oklahoma and as you can imagine I have to “keep it to myself” and play along like I really like Nebraska football, which of course I DON’T.

What should I do? I am SICK to my stomach with all this BIG RED crap!

Jeremy – Lincoln, Nebraska

A: OK Jeremy, first things first….

What the hell is a “customer relationship professional”?

Is that like…..
I’m standing in line for the next available teller and I see a beautiful woman one row over….
So I have to go find you, so you can introduce us?
Like that kind of relationship expert?

Now on to your problem in Lincoln….

You have two choices here Jeremy….

You can shut the hell up and suck it up…..
OR…
You can move back to Norman with all the other Oklahoma Sooner fans….

Glad I could help….

Q: Hey There Mister Wizard!

I think I have stumbled across a “secret” that may be able to help with your prognostications this year!
Are you ready?
Here goes!
I use Astronomy!
That’s right it’s just that simple!
Before I give you the rest of the “secret”, I need to know what you think!

Ronald J. Turnstile – Rochester, New York

A: Here is what I think Ronald….
I think you have your head up Uranus if you think that works.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME

In a rather surprising and unprecedented move former Tennessee Volunteer Football Coach Phil Fulmer was elected this past year to the College Football Hall of Fame despite his stellar 6% graduation rate among his football players and his condoning of rape of a underage mentally challenged girl in the athletic dorm by one of his “star” athletes, not mention the numerous armed robberies, assaults, etc….

Gosh I could go on and on and on about his “achievements” here….

But……..

The real coincidence about Phil Fulmer being elected to the College Football Hall of Fame is that it comes on the heels of two other rather prestigious awards.

Phil Fulmer was also elected this past year to the Krispy Kreme Hall of Fame and the Tennessee Bail Bondsman Hall of Fame, for reasons that should be abundantly obvious to everyone.

And if that isn’t enough for all you Phil Fulmer fans out there….

I have on good authority that Phil Fulmer will be “starring” in his own television series……

(Spoiler Alert!)

It will be called “Fat Lock” (Not to be confused with Matlock) and it’s the story of a morbidly obese locksmith who lives in his grandmother’s basement and predicts the future by examining the things he finds in his navel.

ARKANSAS STATE: Let me be sure I have this right……

Former Auburn Offensive “genius” and Current Red Wolves Head Coach Gus Malzahn….

Took in Auburn Running back Michael Dyer when he got kicked off the Auburn Tiger football team….

Am I right so far?

This is the same Michael Dyer whose gun was used in an armed robbery by several Auburn football players’ weeks after their National Championship game with Oregon….

Dyer wasn’t charged in that particular crime, which is odd to say the least

But now we have a traffic stop by an Arkansas Highway Patrolman in March of this year….

Let’s see…..

He was driving a 50K dollar muscle car……

Hmmmmmmm, I wonder where he got that car or the money for the car?

He was driving 96 mph in a 70mph zone….

And in case you didn’t know, that many miles an hour “over” the posted speed limit is classified as “reckless driving” …..

He had a pistol in his vehicle along with an undisclosed amount of marijuana

And for those of you that may be wondering there is no indication that Michael Dyer has “cataracts” so there would be no need for him to have that substance in his possession.

Because it’s ILLEGAL

If this were to have happened to any of you reading this article, you would have been arrested and your vehicle would have been towed and your legal troubles would have begun…..

Period

But Good Ole Arkansas Highway Patrolman Royce “Aw Shucks” Denney……

Just gave him “a good talking too” and let him go on his way……

Denny even offered to take the gun for him and give it back at “another time”

No word yet on whether Denney made an attempt to have Dyer autograph the gun.

Arkansas Highway Patrolman Royce “Aw Shucks” Denney was described by USA Today and ESPN as being “understanding” and after a “complete review” of the “incident” by the Higher-ups of the Arkansas Highway Patrol; they decided not disciple Good Ole Patrolman Denny.

So it begs the question?

What DO YOU HAVE TO DO in Arkansas to get a ticket?

Because surely there wasn’t ANY preferential treatment being shown, right?

UPDATE: Before the Preseason Extravaganza went to print…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator called the Arkansas Highway Patrol on this issue

Here is Brief Transcript of that Call:

ARKANSAS HIGHWAY PATROL (AHP): Hello?

THE CFB WIZARD: I would like to speak someone about Arkansas Highway Patrolman Royce Denney

ARKANSAS HIGHWAY PATROL (AHP): Ah we let me go today…

THE CFB WIZARD: Let him go where?

ARKANSAS HIGHWAY PATROL (AHP): We terminated him….

THE CFB WIZARD: You killed him?

ARKANSAS HIGHWAY PATROL (AHP): Not exactly, but his wife probably will

THE CFB WIZARD: So you fired him?

ARKANSAS HIGHWAY PATROL (AHP): That about sums it up

EDITORS NOTE: And that is the end of this story, for now….

WEST VIRGINIA: The Mountaineers……

Sure do know how to celebrate a bowl victory don’t they?

OLE MISS: As the Administration in Oxford continue to prostrate themselves at the altar of Political Correctness with the most ridiculous mascot in the Southeastern Conference…The Rebel Black Bear.

I wanted to remind the folks from Ole Miss that despite the promises of the Speech Police and the Politically Correct Nazis made to you to change your mascot they will still show “Mississippi Burning” on a 24hour loop whenever they want to try and make you feel bad about yourselves.

But seriously, that is the Dumbest damn mascot in the Southeastern Conference

You know we are all laughing at you, right?

ARIZONA: The Stoops Era is was over in Arizona Wildcat Country last season so they decided to stoop even lower and went and got Rich Rod who brought along his cheap looking wife Rita Rod…

Please notice I didn’t say that Rita looked like a ten dollar hooker as I did when Rich Rod and Company were the “first family” of the Mighty Michigan Wolverines, remember that?

I refuse to say that Rita Rod looks like a ten dollar hooker anymore.

Current inflation rates have caused me to say that Rita Rod looks like a twenty dollar hooker….

I hope that has cleared up any misunderstanding.

FLORIDA STATE: Now something from the Geriatric Files…..

Recently Former Seminole Coach Bobby Bowden was “back on campus” in Tallahassee and reflected on the likeness of his forty foot statue near Doak Campbell Stadium with a local news reporter.

Coach Bobby had this to say to the young reporter…..

“You know that statue of me is anatomically correct, don’t you?”

EDITORS NOTE: Sometimes old people can be downright creepy…..

NOTRE LAME: Here we go again…….

Once again we have to listen to NBC and all the other talking bobble heads talk about Notre Lame…

Let’s stick to the facts shall we?

The “Not So Fighting Irish” haven’t finished the season in the top Ten since 1993……

Enough Said…

KANSAS: Before Coach “Land Whale” Charlie Weis came to the plains of the Kansas Jayhawks

There was….

Coach Mark “My Butt is wider than a County Dump Truck” Mangino…..

So I have to ask…..

Is there a weight limit to being the Jayhawks Football Coach?

I’m just asking…..

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LSU: I don’t care who you are this is funny as hell….

AUBURN: Back in the 1980’s there was a saying that caught on like wildfire….

“Bo Knows”

Bo Jackson, the name alone conjures up memories of long runs and homeruns and running up walls.

But Bo Jackson is more than an Auburn great….

He is a legend in the Great State of Alabama and he proved it again this past year by putting together

“Bo Bikes Bama”

A three hundred mile bike ride with some of his “friends” across the tornado ravaged areas of Alabama to raise money for the victims of the worst tornado disaster in history. It started just north of Lake Guntersville on the 24th of April and ended on the anniversary of the Tornado on the 29th of April in Tuscaloosa Alabama at the University of Alabama.

There is so much I could say about the great Bo Jackson here….

But I will simply say this….

Thanks Bo, God Bless You

You can still donate, it’s not too late

Go to “Bobikesbama.com”

CLEMSON: Football is often loosely referred to as war, a battle fought by brothers in arms……It’s not that at all.

It’s a game and Daniel Rodriguez knows the difference as well as anyone.

Rodriguez will walk on at Clemson this fall after tours in Afghanistan with the Army.

It took months, but the NCAA at last cleared the former high school star to resume his playing career.

And on October 3, 2009, he was involved in a deadly combat battle that left more than 150 of the Taliban killed or wounded, according to TigerNet. Rodriguez had shrapnel in his legs and neck and was shot in the shoulder. He received a Bronze Star for valor.

After three promotions, he was honorably discharged.

At first interested in attending Virginia Tech, Rodriguez was contacted by Clemson coach Dabo Swinney and decided to walk-on for the Tigers.

The next hurdle was getting NCAA clearance, that’s right I said “clearance” to play by the NCAA

“It has been a crazy road that is for sure” Daniel said…
“I have been back and forth with compliance, and just getting everything squared away.”

He is thankful for all the people who helped him throughout the process—and he’s eagerly awaiting the Military Appreciation Game against Virginia Tech.

“I have so many friends that will be coming down for that game,” he said, “and I am honored to be a part of it as a Clemson student. I just feel like that is the game where I will have a chance to prove myself.”

You’ve already proved yourself Daniel, many times over.

Good Luck this Season, we will all be pulling for you here.

UCLA: Recently the “recruiting” staff with the Bruins went all out to get not “one” but “two” famous names to their team. That’s right college football world…..

The son’s of P Diddy (Whatever in the Hell that is…) and Snoop Diggity Dog (I thought that was a cartoon character) have been offered football scholarships to play for the Bruins….

And some of you still wonder why I make fun of California….

INDIANA: NEWS ALERT! Hoosier Football still isn’t important!

ILLINOIS: Please see the above note on Indiana and replace “Hoosiers” with “Fighting Illini”

FLORIDA GATOR – TEXAS A&M FEUD: It seems some folks in College Station took exception to a comment that Gator Coach Will Muschamp made about playing “at” Texas A&M when he said..

“You ever been to College Station,” he said. “It will be the only time you go.”

The Gators visit the Aggies in A&M’s first-ever SEC game on Sept. 8.

In response, College Station Mayor Nancy Berry has made a video as a good-natured response.

Berry, along with other community and Aggie supporters put together a welcome basket to mail to Muschamp. The welcome basket includes tickets to the George Bush Presidential Library and Museum, a bottle of local wine from Messina Hof Winery, which is personally autographed by winemaker and owner Paul Bonarrigo, some Aggie souvenirs, and information on what to enjoy while he’s in town.

“We are really excited to host this year’s game against the Gators, and we like that a little friendly rivalry has already started,” Shannon Overby, executive director of the Bryan-College Convention and Visitors Bureau said. “There will be a lot of fans here to support both teams, so we are confident that Coach Muschamp will enjoy his stay.”

Berry on the video: “Coach, we’re really excited to host you, your team, and as many Gator fans as you can bring with you to beautiful College Station.”

EDITORS NOTE: In all fairness to Coach Muschamp…..
College Station isn’t exactly a “hot” vacation spot, if you know what I mean…

KENTUCKY – LOUISVILLE RIVALRY: A couple of months ago it was reported that two fans of the institutions of higher learning known as the University of Louisville and the University of Kentucky got into a scuffle at a local dialysis center. The disagreement between the two gentlemen, which lead to the scuffle, concerned the upcoming football game between the two schools for Commonwealth bragging rights.

My first thought when I read the article was…..

Who in the Hell do they think they are, Alabama and Auburn fans?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: That “classy” Coach Lame Kitten is at it again…..

Recently Coach Lame couldn’t resist taking further shots at his ole employer the University of Tennessee

He had this to say to the Atlanta Journal Constitution…..

“Are you sure I didn’t get blamed for Tennessee losing to Kentucky? I’m sure somebody somewhere blamed me for that,” Kiffin told the AJC with a laugh……

“After we left two years ago, and I don’t remember the timeline, there were some floods in Tennessee. So people around here were joking that was my fault — that there were floods there”

“It is what it is. I still have a number of people I stay in contact with there at Tennessee. I know this: I did everything the right way there, as you can see what came out of the NCAA’s investigation. The goal was to make Tennessee better every day. That’s what we strived to do every day we were there … to build confidence in our players and our fan base, and recruit really good players.”

“And I’ve said this before, I didn’t like everything I did but everything I did was what I believed was in the best interests of the Tennessee football program. At times, it didn’t help with the national image of myself, obviously. But I felt like it was in the best interests of the promoting Tennessee and the football program.”

EDITORS NOTE: “But everything I did was what I believed was in the best interests of the Tennessee football program”…
Really?
Did that include lying to your employer and hauling ass in the middle of the night for California?

TENNESSEE: Speaking of the Volunteers of Tennessee….

From the “Just when things look like they are going to change they remain the same” File….

Tennessee Quarterback Tyler Bray and his dumbass roommate Michael Grandinetti are accused of throwing golf balls and beer bottles onto parked cars from the balcony of an apartment complex.

According to a police report, Bradi Hudson parked her car in the parking lot at The Landings apartments Friday night and discovered Saturday morning the roof of her 2008 Ford Special had been dented and the windshield cracked.

She found a note on the car with a name and phone number and a message that read, “I know what happened to your car.” Hudson called the number and was told that two males had been “drinking and throwing beer bottles and golf balls at her vehicle,” according to the KPD report.

Darrell DeBusk, the public information officer for the Knoxville Police Department, said Wednesday afternoon that Bray called Hudson, apologized and offered to pay for the damages to her car.
Hudson was taking her car in for an estimate and meeting with KPD investigators at 2 p.m. Wednesday, DeBusk said. Any damage more than $500 is considered a felony in Tennessee.
Once Bray called her, though, Hudson elected not to press charges.

The second victims, Kirstie Allen, found the windshield of her 2007 Volkswagen Jetta “completely smashed,” according to the incident report. Allen had arrived at her apartment at 1:10 pm. Monday afternoon to eat lunch and found the damage about 30 minutes later. The incident report listed Bray and 26-year-old Michael Grandinetti, Bray’s roommate and a former manager for UT’s women’s basketball team, as suspects.

Allen said she had called police on Friday night when she saw two people throwing beer bottles onto parked cars from the apartment’s balcony and recognized them as Bray and Grandinetti. Allen said an office manager at the apartment complex told her the two had been served an eviction notice. DeBusk said Allen believes Monday’s incident occurred as retaliation for her calling the police two nights earlier.

DeBusk said the KPD is still investigating Monday’s incident, though there are currently no witnesses. That could make it difficult for charges to be filed. According to some media reports, Bray was not at the apartment when the incident happened on Monday.

EDITORS NOTE: Now I know what you all are thinking…….

Is Coach Dooley going to punish his immature idiot quarterback?

Well before we get to that “issue” how about punishing Tyler Bray for the full on Gay Tattoo he had done on his back. Yeah that was a “good” idea…..Dumbass.

TEXAS TECH: So “coach” Tommy Tub says that the Red Raiders “may” not honor their commitment to play the Longhorns of the University of Texas this year if the game is aired on the Longhorn Network.

Isn’t that the same gripe the Aggies of Texas A&M had for leaving the Big 12?

Hey I have an idea!

What don’t you knuckleheads get together and start your own network just like the grownups have?

Problem solved no need to thank me.

NCAA: The “Powers that Are” within the NCAA have determined that they have “Not gone far enough” to punish Penn State University and have made the following mandate:

“Anyone within the borders of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania or who was born within the Commonwealth that has the first or middle name of Joe, Joseph, Jerry or Jerald must legally change their name to Fred, Pep or Turkey. Failure to do so will result in additional sanctions and the loss of wins in ALL sports dating back to 1909.”

GEORGIA: In case you haven’t heard….

Star running back…..Isaiah Crowell was kicked off the Bulldog team a few weeks ago for being a complete dumbass. He has since enrolled at Alabama A&M and should be able to compete on the field this year.

I don’t know if it’s the water in Beautiful Athens Georgia or the lack of maturity in some of the players or if it’s a lack of oversight by the coaches, but this reoccurring problem of discipline or the lack there of is killing the program.

Enough said…

BIG TEN or Twelve or possibly Fourteen Commissioner: Recently Big (Whatever) Commissioner Jim Delany made some comments about the University of Alabama being the National Champions of College Football last year when he said this….

“I don’t have a lot of regard for that team,” Delany told the AP. “I certainly wouldn’t have as much regard for that team as I would for someone who played nine conference games in a tough conference and played a couple out-of-conference games on the road against really good opponents. If a poll doesn’t honor those teams and they’re conference champions, I do.”

But then he quickly contradicted himself with this statement….

“I will be meeting with Notre Dame’s athletic director Jack Swarbrick, again in June to attempt to come to an agreement on a postseason model for college football that we hope to present to university presidents for approval by July 4”

EDITORS NOTE: Well let’s see Jim, there is SO much I could say here, but I will keep it brief….

When was Notre Lame in a conference? Since that is SO important in your earlier statement….

But perhaps more importantly….

What exactly did the BIG Whatever Conference “win” last year, I mean in sports…..

That’s ok, I’ll wait….

Of course this is coming from a guy that wants the BIG Whatever Conference Commissioners Office (meaning him of course) to have the Power to FIRE coaches of member schools. That’s right, you read that correctly.

Power Hungry much Dumbass?

ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY: It was reported recently that Erin Andrews had left ESPN for FOX Sports…

And I don’t care….

ARKANSAS: “Interim” (sort of but maybe not really) Head Coach John Smith hadn’t been in Fayetteville very long before he declared bankruptcy, which made me think…

What the hell are they paying him, minimum wage?

UNIFORM PALOOZA: Speaking of the Razorbacks….

Arkansas is getting into the myriad of football uniforms game…

Along with the hideous Maryland (make me want to vomit) Terrapins uniforms…

And other teams that we have noted here in the past…

So I have to ask…

What the Hell are you idiots thinking? Really, what the hell are YOU thinking?

Why can’t you just stick with tradition? Is that too much to ask?

NO One is laughing WITH you; WE are Laughing AT YOU….

Got it?

I’m colorblind and some of those damn uniforms make me want to throw-up…..

TITLE TOWN: This past year…..

The University of Alabama won National Titles in…

Football….

Gymnastics

Softball….

Women’s Golf….

4 National Titles in one Year…..

As well as a runner-up National Title in Men’s Golf….

That feat has only been accomplished twice by a University in the History of Collegiate Sports

Congratulations to the Coach’s, the young men and young women that worked so hard to be Champions

Part II of the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out later….

So Stay Tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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2 Responses to 2012 Preseason Extravaganza

  1. Kaye on August 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    So good I have to read it again!

  2. Christy on September 4, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Yep…cracks me up!!! I loathe the Big Whatever conference, and anyway, they stink.

    ROLL TIDE!!!

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