Gullible Travels

March 7, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I don’t consider myself to be a gullible person…

But there are times, much like you, when I am susceptible to the occasional story.

Take for example……

Last month I was watching television and I heard the announcer ask…

“Do you have limited mobility?”

I thought, “Yeah I guess so, since my pick-up truck is in the shop for repairs”

Then the unknown voice from beyond asked me…

“Have you fallen in the last six months?”

That was when I remembered falling to my knees and crying like a four year old after I hit my little toe on the corner of the coffee table. I think it was around New Years. It’s like this voice is talking directly to me and I found myself mesmerized and walking ever closer to the television.

Then the voice asked me a final question….

“Would you like to lead a more exciting life?”

“Well hell, who wouldn’t like that!” I said out loud…..

And that was how I wound up with a Rascal electric Scooter in my living room

So with that being said, I understand how people can be misled or grab on to a story and turn it into something that it wasn’t meant to be.

Take for example the latest story that continues to churn the emotions on the loveliest plains of Alabama. I am talking about the poisoning of the Oak trees on Toomer’s Corner.

And as you may have heard or read the accused perpetrator is an Alabama Crimson Tide fan.
Tiger fans are incensed and rightfully so, but the profanity laced tirades I have heard coming from Auburn fans and the out of this world conspiracies are better off left to Charlie Sheen.

The air waves across the state are filled with venom and hatred and ridiculous accusations which are pointed directly at those fans, alumni and supporters of the University of Alabama.

Even The President of Auburn University has gotten in on the act as he called “for restraint during this trying time”.

What are you “Restraining” about? What is this Pearl Harbor to you folks?

Let me explain something and I hope all you Auburn Tiger fans are reading this, because I am going to keep this one real simple.

Just because a nut does something stupid doesn’t mean that everyone was a part of it, or condones such actions.

Take for example…..

In 1989 the Texas Treaty Oak was poisoned in Austin Texas……
Forestry experts estimate the Treaty Oak to be about 500 years old and, before its vandalism, the tree’s branches had a spread of 127 feet. The tree was located in Treaty Oak Park, on Baylor Street between 5th and 6th Streets in Austin Texas.

I don’t know if the guy that poisoned the Texas Treaty Oak was a fan of the Oklahoma Sooners and as I recall nobody in Texas bothered to ask and you want to know why, because he was a freaking nut.

I don’t know if John Hinckley was a Democrat when he shot President Reagan or if he knew that Jodie Foster was a lesbian, but I know that he was and probably still is a nut job.

I don’t think all Auburn students are delusional idiots just because thousands of them rolled the Toomer’s Corner Oaks in 2008 after Barrack Obama won the Presidency. I just think those particular students were and more than likely are still today delusional idiots.

And I didn’t believe two years ago at the Iron Bowl that just because some fans of the Auburn Tigers vandalized a large number of vehicles belonging to fans of the University of Alabama that all Tiger fans, students and alumni are somehow culpable to such wanton stupidity.

And just because the “Right Reverends” Jesse Jackson, Cecil Newton and Al Sharpton are all shakedown artists certainly doesn’t mean all preachers or people of color are bad people.
It just means those three people are.

Have I made my point yet?

If you are so stupid as to believe ALL University of Alabama fans are somehow accountable to this act, then you probably brush your hair and quite possibly your teeth with a garden weasel and should be “restrained”.

Maybe that’s what the Auburn President was referring too?

So with that being said, I don’t have any guilt over the act of this lunatic and I’m not embarrassed by seven degree’s of separation that it was an Alabama fan, anymore than Auburn fans are embarrassed by the lunatic fringe calling for “Alabama Armageddon” over their Toomer’s Oaks being poisoned by this nut bag.

And last but certainly not least…….

I hope and pray that most of you out there are smart enough to realize that the Paul Finebaum’s of the world center their entire careers around making people angry with inflammatory comments and statements, because they aren’t real sports journalist.

The proof of my statement is in the body of their work or lack thereof and if you will take the time to examine what they say and what they write you will see that I am right.

So if you don’t want idiots like that to make you angry and upset you then I have a very simple and effective solution: don’t listen to them and don’t read their articles.

Problem solved.

So whether you are an Auburn Tiger or a fan of whatever, don’t get sucked into listening to something that stirs the emotions and fuels the conspiracy theorist in all of us or you just might end up with an electric scooter in your house and a garden weasel for a tooth brush.

Now if you will excuse me I am going to take my Rascal scooter for a spin into the kitchen for another cold drink.

And as an unrelated side note I have no idea why this thing has a headlight, it’s not like I am going to be taking it out on the interstate.


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8 Responses to Gullible Travels

  1. Odie in Opelika on March 7, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I don’t know what you is tryin ta pull by throwin in that dang fancy dance wheel chair thang, but I aint buyin it MISTER!!! I am a proud loyalist of THE Auburn Unversity and if that was an apology I aint buyin that neither!!! You just wasn’t sincere enough. Like when Tigger Woods pologized bout messin round on his betrothed wife, you know, it just wadn’t up to snuff. Now if you want to be real sincere and do a little cryin, and kinda wrinkle your lip some, and do the thing where yore chin kinda scrunches up, then that would get you on the right track. But everbody knows that it aint REAL sincerity lessen you got some snot rollin down slap down to yore lip. If I can see some a that from you Bammers then I’ll know you’re all repentant and if you throw in a couple of acorns we’ll be square.

  2. Phil Maldehyde on March 7, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    As a representative of the Rascal manufacturers, I think I can clear up the mystery of the “headlight” on your newly purchased Rascal. You see, through extensive market research we have discovered that the incapacitated are often unable to perform normal day to day maintenance activities around there homes. Some of these activities include the changing of light bulbs. With this in mind, one of our top scientists cleverly came up with the idea of a light for the front of our product so that when these individuals go to their refrigerators and the light is out, they can simply activate the headlight on the Rascal and, therefore, find whatever product it is that they are looking for. We have received extremely favorable response from our users who often mistook, say, a can of V-8 for a laxative drink. I hope this clears up any and all questions regarding this topic and, remember, HAPPY RASCALLING YOU RASCAL!!!!

    P.S. DISCLAIMER – Rascal Corporation would like to remind everyone who enjoys our product that the leather seat is NOT covered under warranty for soilage due to scenario’s as described above.

  3. The BamaPrincess on March 7, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    When I stop laughing I will think of some smartass comment to print . . . oh Lord, this is funny!
    The Bamaprinces

  4. Matt on March 8, 2011 at 7:16 pm


  5. Deke Jenner on March 8, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    All of that from a man that is banned from the dump!

    Mike you are a treasure!

  6. MattH on March 10, 2011 at 12:35 pm


  7. Scott Lee on March 11, 2011 at 12:00 am

    I thought all the Burners and Bammers were singing KoombyYa these days… I have no idea how to spell KoomByYah, which should be obvious. ..but you know, with all those relief organizations that have popped up, like “Tide for Toomers”, and so on… Trying to save the Toomers Trees.

    Of course, I _never_ listen to Paul Finebaum… well, almost never. I can’t imagine him _ever_ stirring up the puddin’ just for ratings!!!

    ..and btw, i think it would be a travesty if Alabama gets left out of the NCAA (Basketball) Tournament.

    Anyway, my 2 cents.

  8. Nathan Algren on May 1, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    When can we expect to hear your thoughts on the recent NFL draft? I like many others look forward to your comments.

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