Email Q and A

May 18, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen –

As you may know….

I am currently on an extended sabbatical before the start of the 2011 College Football Season.

It would appear from the variety of emails I receive I am not the only one who is awaiting the start of the new season. Or maybe the emails are a result of the full moon.

In either case enjoy the latest from the CFB Wizard email bag.

Your latest news from the College Football World will be out next week.



Q: Dear Doctor Wizard –

I got me a question that I need me an answer too.

My wife Geraldine, Miss Tooter to everybody around here, well she has her one of them medical appointments that’s just for women.

The problem is that she wants me to go with her.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I don’t know why a woman has to have a poop smear.

But I can tell you I damn sure don’t want to be in there when they is a doing it!

And I ain’t cleaning it up neither!

Hell, I couldn’t even change a diaper when we had our young’uns.
Makes me want to throw up just a thinking about that smell.

But if I tell Miss Tooter I can’t go to her poop smear then she will get meaner than a snapping turtle.
What should I do?

Dennis “Big Cricket” Davis
Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Congratulations, I am finally speechless………

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I hope yo ass is happy. Now I ain’t got no job.
Reggie Bush, New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Or a Heisman Trophy or a National Championship Ring…….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

My family and I are trying to cut back on expenses and I was wondering:
Can you cut your children’s hair with a “Flow-Bee”? It works like a charm on our dogs and even the Cats! (But they will scratch the heck out of you when you turn the machine on them!)

Thanks and War Damn Eagle!
Marge – Opelika, Alabama

A: I would encourage you and other Auburn faithful to do just that.
It sends a message that you are comfortable being “you”.
And please consider (while you are looking to maximize your budget) to try brushing your teeth with the Garden Weasel and be sure and use the screwdriver attachment for that pesky tarter.

Q: Hey Wizard Man!

We are a writing you from the heart of Big Orange Country, right here in Knoxville Tennessee!
We was a hoping you could settle a bet between some of us boys where we is a working.
If Coach Phil Fulmer and Wynona Judd was to fight who would win?

The Boys – Big 10 Tire, Knoxville, Tennessee

A: We all lose Boys……..Hence tsunamis

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

As a Native American Indian and a leading advocate to change Native American NCAA mascots, I am appalled at your stance and insensitivity concerning this hurtful issue.

I encourage you to become more sensitive to the Native American peoples this coming season.
Please join us in banning these insensitive and hurtful images

Chief Juniper Stink-Eye

A: Seriously, your name is Chief Stink-Eye?
I guess that beats being called Bobby Butthole.

Q: Howdy CFB Wizard!

I have a “little” problem and I hope you can give me some advice on what to do.

I live in Los Angeles and I have the nickname “Chaps” because I live a cowboy lifestyle.
I wear a Cowboy hat and Chaps to work (I work at Radio Shack off Wilshire Boulevard) and I wear Chaps cologne and even carry Chap-stick in my pants pocket.

Also I am a fan of both the Dallas Cowboys and Wyoming Cowboys and I am the current President of the Cowboy Copas Fan Club (International)

My question is this: Do you think I am over the top with my dedication to the cowboy lifestyle?

Happy Trails
Stephen – Los Angeles, California

A: Admit it Stephen…..
You are a closet Southern California Trojan fan in a Village People Cover band aren’t you?

Q: Dear Wizard Man

Let me ask you something Mister.
Why is it that you always find something to pick at about the University of Tennessee?
They is only the greatest sports teams ever in the history of sports teams.

We got that lady that won all that female basket ball stuff, who I can’t think of her name cause I don’t watch it. But it don’t matter cause they win everything there is to win! HA!

Then we got Coach Phil “Greatest Coach EVER” Fulmer that won about 20 National Hotdog eating Championships in a Damn Row! Ever heard of him?
I ain’t never seen a human being eat like that, it look like one of them video shows “When Animals Attack”.

Now we got us Coach Dereck “By God” Droolly and we stole him right from them damn Dogs in Georgia! HA! We got other sports too at Tennessee and we beat everybody’s ass in them sports too!

So why you so damn a writing about them all the time, jealous? HA!

Robert “June Bug” Craver

A: Let me guess….
You have a degree in English from the University of Tennessee am I right?

Q: Dear Sir –

Is there any truth to the internet rumor that the Great Coach Phil Fulmer will return to the University of Tennessee as the Athletic Director? I think he would bring the University back to the Championship stage and prove to be a great compliment to the tradition and pageantry that is the Beacon on the Hill.

Sincerely – Fhil Pulmer, Maryville, Tennessee

A: Nice try Dumbass………
I haven’t wadded through that much bull crap since I went to my last cattle auction.

Q: Hey there Football Wizard!

Without college football I got to tell you there ain’t a damn thing worth watching on television!

I don’t like basketball or baseball and I don’t understand hockey because I never lived in Canada.
Watching a bunch of people wearing sunglasses playing cards ain’t a damn sport!

And I will tell you something else….
Those people on ESPN are smoking crack if they think watching somebody ride a damn bicycle is exciting. It’s worse than watching golf, if that’s possible.

Have you ever tried watching one of them “reality” shows?
My God it will make your damn head pop clean off your shoulders!
If I wanted to set around and watch a bunch Yeah-Who’s arguing I would have gone to my wife’s family reunion, you know what I mean?

Thanks for letting me get that out of my system. So how is Georgia looking this year?

Chip – Dahlonega, Georgia

A: I feel your pain Chip……….
The Dawgs will be better than expected but not as good as you would like…..

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

I know there are brighter days ahead for my beloved Florida State Seminoles, but I still miss watching Coach Bobby wander the sidelines. What has he been up to lately?


Chuck – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach Bobby is doing the same thing he did the past ten years he coached Chuck.
He wanders around the house aimlessly talking to himself while urinating in Mrs. Bowden’s potted plants.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

I have a question: My Little boy Jimmy dances every time he hears the Michigan Fight Song and at first it was cute as hell (I admit it).
He would wave his arms around and do this little jig and it was entertaining (I admit it).
But now he is almost sixteen years old and he is still doing the same dance.

Except now when he dances he looks like an octopus that just got tazed.
Frankly it’s just creepy.
Do you have any ideas on how I can detour him from continuing this embarrassing ritual?
Robert – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: For starters I would take the Modern Bride magazines out of his room and whip his ass and then force him to watch any game the past (How many years?) when the Buckeyes beat the crap out of the wolverines. That will take the steam out of his dancing shoes.

Q: Dear Sir –

I work as an Abe Vigoda impersonator and I am currently unemployed.
Could I work on your CFB Wizard staff?

I could talk to people at games or tailgating and they would think its Abe Vigoda interviewing them!
How Great would that be?

Plus I KNOW how to hold an audience’s attention!
How you may ask? Because I look like Abe Vigoda!
That’s How!
I look forward to hearing back from you!
I am ready to go to work!

Richard “Abe Vigoda” Pulaski, Las Vegas, Nevada

A: I guess this is a step up from the William Shatner impersonator that wants to work on the staff…
Or maybe not…..

I will have the HR Department with CFB Wizard contact you Richard, but please don’t send us any more pictures and we are returning the ones you sent of yourself in a Speedo.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

I respectfully request that you inform your loyal readers particularly those of whom are Florida Gator fans of an important message. I would like to inform those fans who happen to be on the campus of the University of Florida, specifically near the stadium known as “The Swamp”, that touching the Tim Tebow statue in the “naughty place” will not make the blind to see or the lame to walk.

Additionally those people touching the statue in the “naughty place” will not receive three wishes or will from the act of clicking their respective heels together get a vacation to Cancun.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

The Pope, Rome Italy

PS: How do you think the Fighting Irish will do this year?

A: Thank you your imminence for that timely public service announcement
(Give me a call your holiness and I will give you the low down on the Boys from South Bend)


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2 Responses to Email Q and A

  1. Matt in Dubai on May 21, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Loved the Reggie Bush Q&A

  2. The Bamaprincess on June 6, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    We have missed you!
    Love the pope’s letter!l

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