Ladies and Gentlemen –
We have reached the end of the 2010 College Football Season….
In this last edition will have end of the Season Emails…..
A New Year’s message or two….
And the last segment of the 2010 Bowl Predictions…
To include the BCS National Championship game…
Thank you all for coming along for the ride this year…
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.
END OF YEAR EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: Hey Mister Wizard, I know Christmas is over (Merry Christmas by the way) but my family and I made a trip to Dollywood and seen the “Nutcracker”, it was a hell of a thing to watch!
If you ever get the chance you need to go see it!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we sure enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Union City, Tennessee
A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. In fact I am feeling uncomfortable right now writing about it…
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
Your description of esteemed Auburn University Trustee Bobby Lowder is inaccurate and offensive.
He is not a dictator nor is he some maniacal power hungry lunatic!
Sure he has fired an editor of the Auburn student newspaper, but it didn’t have ANYTHING to do with an article about him, hardly, it was because the kid had acne and grossed people out.
He not only is the PRESIDENT of Colonial Bank (Ever heard of it?) but he is also one of the nicest people on the planet. Sure he has fired coaches and hired others without the consent of the University, BIG DEAL!
He knows what is best for Auburn University, NOT YOU!
So what if he still pays coach’s NOT to coach, we have jobs for them like calling Bo Jackson to wake him up in the morning, so how about just shutting up about it!
Mr. Lowder is the kind of man that really cares about the student athletes at Auburn University!
If some football player from a disadvantaged home who just happened to have a father that is a Preacher and they get some “help” from Colonial Bank on a no interest loan that they know he won’t ever pay back and then they can just write it off, SO WHAT?
It’s none of your War Damn Eagle business
Lobby Bowder – Auburn, Alabama
A: I can smell your fear from here “Lobby”….
I’m coming for you big boy…
Q: Dear Sir –
I have a problem and I hope you can help me.
My neighbors are “Tennessee Fans” and their children came out of the house on Christmas morning, wearing these horrible, glow in the dark (God awful!) orange clothes that were clearly given to them for Christmas by their parents.
Should I say something to their parents?
Charlotte – Columbia, South Carolina
A: Charlotte under no circumstances should you say anything to the parents.
The next time you see the children outside in such garb, immediately call child protective services.
That constitutes child abuse…..
Same can be said if a child is wearing Michigan Wolverine clothing….
Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I was downright afraid after I read what Hootie Snitch wrote about Fulmer Claus coming into your house for Christmas! Now I ain’t completely sure but I think he may have snuck in our trailer house after we went to sleep.
Is there a sign or something that would tell me that Fulmer Claus was in our house?
Thanks and a Big Ole War Dam Eagle to you and Yours!
Chip and Susan – Opelika, Alabama
A: There are two signs actually Chip….
Your dog is pregnant and there are orange boogers on the couch….
The good news is the orange boogers should fit nicely with the rest of your décor….
Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.
The Roger’s Family – Little Rock, Arkansas
A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
My two favorite Holiday Classics are Billy Jack and Lone Wolf McQuade with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through that nut roll to get his wings.
Q: Dear Sir –
I am somewhat surprised that a Neanderthal such as yourself and being a Marine as well, that you haven’t mentioned a word about the President eliminating the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy” from the Armed Forces. This is a glorious day in our country when homosexuals can proudly come out of the closet and into the mainstream of the military and I am perplexed as to your lack of commenting.
We were all expecting some kind of crude, childish sophomoric remarks from you.
Claire “Butch” Dykeson
Gay and Lesbian Coalition, San Francisco California
A: On the contrary Claire…..
I too am greatly encouraged.
Since the Government has decided to turn our once proud military into a perverted social experiment, It has motivated me to push legislation to end the worst of all injustices in our society today….
I am talking about not allowing blind people to operate heavy equipment, such as cranes and wrecking balls. The policy known as “If you can’t see, you can’t drive” has discriminated against blind people for decades. You may say; “what if they strike the wrong building with a wrecking ball?” And to that I say, you can put a price on a building but you can’t put a price on injustice.
I say end the discrimination and let blind people operate heavy equipment.
Makes sense, right?
NEW YEAR MESSAGE FROM HOOTIE SNITCH
First things First…..
Hope yawl all had a Very Merry Christmas…..
Because you better get ready…..
Cause in 2011 the Tennessee Volunteers are fixing to be Number Damn One!
So Happy New Year Yawl!
Hootie – Out!
DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS FOR THE NEW YEAR
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
I was a thinking the other day and I wrote me a little poem about all the things been going on.
Here it goes….
Ah’s out by the pond, with an ice cold beer
Sippin dat brew, got a fish on da line.
Ah was thankin bout thangs, Ah saw on TV
On my old black and white, yeah, it suited me.
See they was a thang, on tha’ Eee-Ess-Pee-EeN
Said some Ohia State players, was guilty as sin.
Them boys took ‘em some britches, and trinkets and thangs
And sold ‘em all off, for what money they’d brang.
And ah got ta thankin bout the EN-Cee-A-A
And wonderin’ what kinda B.S., they was gon’ say.
Cause I member back, a couple a months
Bout that boy Cam, and some a his stunts.
Ole, Cam’s a big boy, he’s a helluba playa
Wore out dem Game-Cocks, ran ober a Gata.
But what stuck in my craw, was fore he came a Tiger
His daddy, a preacher, came off like a liar.
See there was some folks, from Miss’ssippi State
They wanted him bad, so he’d change their fate.
But HIS daddy Cecil, dat ole preacher man,
Was gon’ make ‘em pay, he wanted a few grand.
But he didn’t end up playin, over in Stark-ville
He signed with Auburn, gave them folks a thrill.
Now that left me thankin’, and scratchin my head,
How THEY got that boy, with no money bein’ shed.
But somebody got sump’in, ole Cecil cashed in.
Cause his church was in shambles, about to cave in.
But all of a sudden, ‘round first of the year,
His buildin’ was fixed up, all the church folks did cheer.
This whole situation, it stunk like a deuce,
Cause half the damn countrys, drankin’ Cammy Cam Juice.
One day he’s suspended, then one day he’s right back,
N-C-double-A, must’ve been high on crack.
They said that ole Cam, didn’t know what’s goin’ on
That his daddy’s at fault, just him that done wrong.
But the rules that they have, say any relation,
If they’s doin’ wrong, is gonna face some damnation.
So that arr’gant young buck, he got out and he played
Auburn climbed to Number one, and that’s where they stayed.
Gonna play Or’gon Quacks, gonna have a big bash,
Cause them College rules folks, all they want is cash.
So I scratched my head, right down to my scalp,
This whole situation, it aint worth a crap,
Cause what them college folks done, had no rhyme or no reason,
They need investigatin’, for fixin’ a season.
THE BOWL GAMES (PART II)
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Forth Worth, Texas
Southern Methodist and Army
You are probably wondering why there is no security alerts issued for this game….
That there is no reported terrorist activity in the Fort Worth area…..
The answer is simple….
Chuck Norris lives near Fort Worth….
This one is for Dandy Don Meredith, the Mighty Mustang….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Kansas State and Syracuse
This Bowl Game in the “Bronx” in December….
(How damn stupid is that…)
Was originally called the “Car Jack Bowl”
Which is far more appropriate than naming a Bowl game after a type of suit…
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
North Carolina and Tennessee
This Bowl game is sponsored by a mortgage company?
Well, you know what that means….
The winner gets a trophy….
And the loser losses a house….
Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California
Nebraska and Washington
At first I thought the name of this Bowl game was a joke….
“Education” in California…..
They can’t balance the state’s budget because they are broke (Math)
They have a Governor that can’t speak English (Public Speaking)
A lot of people in the state are there illegally and can’t or won’t speak or write English rendering them illiterate (Writing)
The latest poll in Los Angles says that a preponderance of people there still think O.J. Simpson is innocent of the Murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman (Mental Retardation)
And if you ever took the time to read a California High School History book, let me break it down for you….America sucks and it’s all Whiteys fault.
Education in California….
That is a joke…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-21
Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Clemson and South Florida
I have a question concerning this sponsorship..
Who is this Jewish guy and why does he care about your car?
DABO’S TIGERS 33-17
Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas
Miami and Notre Dame
There was a time this was one hell of a game….
But it’s not that time…
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Central Florida and Georgia
I like Memphis, maybe because I’m an Elvis man…
Thank you, thank you very much…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24
Florida State and South Carolina
I have gotten a number of emails from both camps concerning this Bowl.
Here is the question that will determine the course of the game.
Which Garcia is going to show up for the Bowl game?
Here is your answer….
January 1st 2011
Northwestern and Texas Tech
I cannot in good conscience support a Bowl game when the sponsors don’t even know where the damn game is being played. The game is in DALLAS, not TicketCity (Which I think is a speed trap outside of Nashville, Tennessee)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 31-28
Penn State and Florida
Joe Pa’s Lions are better on paper….
But this is Urban’s last game as a Gator…
And it won’t be played on paper
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24
Capital One Bowl
Michigan State and Alabama
The Co-Big Ten Champion against the 2009 National Champions
It’s going to be a heck of a game
CRIMSON TIDE 34-24
Michigan and Mississippi State
The City of Jacksonville, Florida wisely passed an ordinance when they realized the Michigan Wolverines were invited to the Bowl game. It is illegal for Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita to appear on any Jacksonville beaches in anything other than a NASA space suit.
BULLY DOGS 31-28
Rose Bowl game presented by VIZIO
Wisconsin and Texas Christian
This is a must see game between two outstanding programs…
I’m just not sure why a Japanese guy is presenting it….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 28-24
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma and Connecticut
The Boys from Connecticut are going to be introduced to…
A Oklahoma Ass Whipping..
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17
January 3rd 2011
Discover Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech and Stanford
The Cardinal has too much Luck for the Fighting Turkeys
January 4th 2011
Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas and Ohio State
Everyone is picking the Buckeyes in this one…
January 6th 2011
Miami (OH) and Middle Tennessee State
I dearly love Mobile and I would like to be in the Flora-Bama Lounge as your reading this…
However, what the hell are they doing scheduling this game the day after the Sugar Bowl?
I don’t get it…
January 7th 2011
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Texas A&M and LSU
Before I make my selection here…..
It’s important to note that Jerry “dumbass” Jones helped move the Cotton Bowl from Dallas (Where God Almighty intended it to be, Amen) to his stadium in Arlington where the Cowboys play. I have on good authority that is why God is punishing the Cowboys and preventing them from going to the playoffs. Amen
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-21
January 8th 2011
BBVA Compass Bowl
Pittsburgh and Kentucky
I am all too familiar with the litany of acronyms across the military spectrum.
However, it confounds me as to why the maker of a compass has to put his initials in front of it.
JOKERS CATS 28-17
January 9th 2011
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Boston College and Nevada
If “Kraft” really wanted to “Fight” hunger they would make those individually wrapped cheese slices easier to unwrap. Why the hell do those things have to be child proof anyway?
Its Cheese damn it.
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17
January 10th 2011
Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Auburn and Oregon
No one is really talking about Oregon…..
Which traditionally isn’t a good sign for the favored team
However, I am going with the Southeastern Conference in this one…
And the best player money could buy.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-34
2010 Post Season……
I want to thank you all for reading my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and not-so-good, they keep me honest. I will have periodic updates up until the BCS National Championship game and there will be a post game review of the festivities. So stay tuned.
But before I depart I wanted to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…
Happy New Year…..
God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.
THE CFB WIZARD