Summer Email Q and A

June 5, 2014

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Like any other “celebrity” in today’s “culture”….

EDITORS NOTE: I use both of those terms loosely

I get my fair share of unusual emails along with the occasional stalker

And just for the record….

(Not sure if you have read it before) But I am not dating Stevie Nicks….

We are just friends, seriously…really

The only reason I mention the above is even though I am the CFB Wizard…..

It doesn’t prevent people from asking me questions about “things” other than College Football in fact some people send me emails (Not just the hateful emails either) about nearly every subject under the sun.

In this time of the year we like to refer to as “the drought of all that is college football”…

I thought I would provide you all some entertaining reading….

EDITORS NOTE: These are some of the actual emails to the CFB Wizard


Q: Hey Mister Wizard!

You have mentioned in the past that you like to watch TCM (Turner Classic Movies)

Do you ever watch anything else on television?

I LOVE American Idol! Have you ever seen it?

Miss D – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: Other than TCM, here at the RTR Farm Doc and Sadie and I watch the weather channel (for the weather not the music) and of course my beloved college football.

That’s about it

To answer your second question….

I must first provide you and the other followers of that particular program with a….

“Spoiler Alert”

That being said…..

While working in the “Back Forty” of the RTR Farm recently with a buddy of mine who we will refer to as “Harvey”…..

I was in the process of reliving myself in what can be described as “too close a proximity” to one my electric fences and at the moment I made contact (so to speak) with Mother Electricity, Harvey recorded the events on his high dollar cell phone.

Without my knowledge Harvey submitted the video to “American Idol”….

It was said by the judges that “a higher voice isn’t possible…”

And although they said “they didn’t recognize the song”….they all agreed that…

“I made that song my own”

So yes…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has “won” the upcoming American Idol.

And in a strange twist of fate…..

Harvey had inadvertently sent the video of what is now referred to as “The Incident” to “So you think you can dance?”

Spoiler Alert……

I won that competition as well, with what the judges described as….

“An interpretive dance of what an octopus looks like while being Tazered”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

What the heck is going on Florida State University?

The Quarterback “Heisman Trophy Winner” Jameis Winston has been stealing anything in Tallahassee within his grasp and he doesn’t get suspended from the baseball team OR the football team?

What say you Mister Wizard?

Geaux Tigers

Rick – Houma, Louisiana

A: Thank you for the email Rick….

Let me explain what is going on at “Free Seafood University” in Tallahassee….

IF the star athlete rapes a girl and isn’t suspended

You don’t really think he will be suspended for doing a little stealing do you?

That’s what happens when the inmates run the asylum

Q: Mr. Wizard –

I unfortunately read your “bio” on your website and I was highly disturbed that you used the term “midgets”, that Is SO offensive I simply don’t have the words.

Please in the future use the term “little people” it’s politically correct and less offensive

Thank you

Tammy – Annapolis, Maryland

A: Thank you for that “insightful” observation Tammy……

However until one of those “little people” attempt to steal your soul and touch you with their dirty little digits, then you don’t really know what “offensive” is…

Enough said….and “NO” I don’t want to talk about it

Q: Dear Sir

I have discovered your website recently and I was taken a back by your numerous derogatory and disrespectful comments about OUR President of the United States.

You should remember the old adage “that if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all”


Toomicca – Atlanta, Georgia

A: Thank you Toomicca, and you make a viable point…..

I will say something positive…

The Current President of the United States has more confirmed drone kills that ALL other Nobel Peace prize winners COMBINED!

See how positive that was?

Q: Dear Sir –
I am a loyal Ohio State alumnus (and a Major fan of everything Buckeyes!)

I have a burning question that everyone up here wants to know.

Is there any scenario that you can think of that maybe we can be in the College Football Championship and somehow the SEC doesn’t make it?

We’d sure like to win something for a change.

Thank you and GO BUCKS!

Collin – Columbus Ohio

A: If (in the unlikely event) the Southeastern Conference decides to completely do away with all their athletic programs, then (sadly) you will still have to deal with being a third tier conference when matched against the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big 12 (Lite)


Q: Dere sur, 

I played footbals 4 A skool in colige but got kiked off a teem.

I heerd that the LOueVille koach will take abut ennybody that aint kilt nobuddy.

And his defender coich Ted Grahamthin says he aint that purticalur ether. I jus got pikked up for tempted murderin sumbodee and arsonage or sumthin lak that. Can I be a Curdnal for coatch Bobee? 

Akeem – Youngstown Ohio

A: Honestly Akeem I am shocked and stunned that you were not recruited by Ohio State

What is your SAT Score, 12?

That is “6” more points than the overall average of the football team and “10” points higher than the Michigan Wolverines. I would suggest you “reopen” your recruitment process.

Good Luck

Q: Dear Dumbass –

When are you going to start accurately reporting the success of the West Point (Army) Football Team? For YOUR Information they have WON 50 (count it IF your able) National Titles in Football!

WE are the BEST EVER on the Battlefield AND the Football Field


Mark – Sutton, Virginia

West Point Class of 60 something…

A: Although I am not a trained psychologist, it is evident that you have a number of issues that should be dealt with immediately…..

Might I suggest some reading for your immediate family and yourself…..

“The 36 Hour Day: A Family Guide to caring for people with dementia” by Nancy Mace and “Final Exit: the practicality of assisted suicide” by Derek Humphrey

And one more thing…


Q: Hey Mister Wizard –

I have a question for you!

Do you have any favorite football teams other than Alabama?

Maggie – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for your email Maggie

When not cheering for my Alabama Crimson Tide

I always pull for my beloved University of Texas Longhorns

The Mighty LSU Tigers (When they aren’t playing Alabama)

My Beloved SMU Mustangs..

And any Team playing against Auburn

Q: Dear Mister Wizard Man

Your “between the lines” Homophobic rants are despicable and are disruptive to our homosexual community, you should ashamed of yourself!

We are going to boycott your website and write your sponsors to ensure you are off the internet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thomas – Lexington, Kentucky

A: Whoa there sugar pants, it sounds like your thong is in a knot!

Why don’t you just relax and have a Zima and a Corndog and paint your fingernails

And please stop attaching jpeg’s of yourself with your emails, if I want to see pictures of fairies I will pick up a DVD of Disney’s “Captain Hook”

Q: Sir –

Simple question

After all the litigation, what are we going to do in the fall after the NFL folds and college football ceases to exist? I can’t stand soccer. 

Kurt – Cleveland, Ohio

A: Kurt, in all fairness you have other more pressing problems to confront…..

You live in Cleveland Ohio

Enough said

Q: Dear Wizard of College Football

Hello sir

I am new to college football, I just moved to United States of America from Sudan please forgive my English – It is not good. I apologize deeply.

I do like excitement and colorful of the American college football

Can you help please?

Who suggest you that I should say be the “fan” of what team and American University?

Thank you and God Bless and Go USA

Hakeem – St’ of Louis, Missouri

A: Thank you for your kind and thoughtful letter Hakeem and your English is actually better than anyone I have met wearing orange in Tennessee’s Neyland Stadium.

Hakeem you have the freedom of choice in the United States to choose your religion, your politics and your football teams. I certainly wouldn’t want to taint your selection by my own beliefs. You are free in America to become a fan of the Alabama Crimson Tide, the LSU Tigers, the University of Texas Longhorns or the once mighty SMU Mustangs.

You are welcome and Roll Tide

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

The Catholics have their University (Notre Dame)

The Mormons have their College (Brigham Young University)

The Methodist has a college (Southern Methodist University)

And the Baptist’s have a number of Universities and Colleges

So my question is this?

Why don’t we Jewish people have a college?

Norman Swartz – Greenwich Village, New York

A: Norm, you not only have a college, you have your own League

It’s called the “Ivy League”

You’re Welcome

Q: One Question…..

Have you always been this crazy?

Barbie – Tampa, Florida

A: Thank you for your email question Barbie

That question can best be summed up, in the words of that esteemed 20th Century poet and philosopher….Waylon Jennings when he said….

“I’ve always been different with one foot over the line
Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind
It ain’t been so easy but I guess I shouldn’t complain
I’ve always been crazy but it’s kept me from going insane”

And as a side note…..

Anytime I can work in a Waylon Jennings lyric

It’s a good day

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –

I love social media! Do you love it too?

I was wondering if you ever tweet?


Jenna – Charlotte, North Carolina

A: Thank you for your kind email Jenna

I have been known to tweet after a night of either ill prepared Mexican food or the occasional questionable Chinese takeout of shrimp fried rice.

I hope that answers your question

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

It has come to our attention that you are qualified for a number of benefits with AARP.

Your age qualifies you for a number of discounts across the United States

Please fill out the AARP form provided in this email and start taking advantage of senior discounts today!

Sincerely –


A: Kiss my ASS, I am NOT OLD!

Q: Hey Mister Wizard Man –

I am in a bad fix and I need some advice in a bad way!

I done went and got me a girlfriend and she done come up pregnant.

So here’s my question

aburn and knoaxvile laws are different in both states between felony and misdeamoner for having the sex with a cow even if she is a pregnant right?

Where should me and bessy run off too?

Dale – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Dale I would have found your email deeply disturbing if it weren’t for the fact you are either an Auburn and or a Tennessee fan (Or both)

The only reason I am shocked can be summed up in one question….

How did you ever figure out how to email me?

Q: Mr. Wizard –

Where do you get your inspiration for the articles and stories?

Do you have some daily ritual that you follow?

Thank you!!!

Bonnie – Casper, Wyoming

A: Thank you for your kind and encouraging email Bonnie

I have but one ritual that I follow each and every morning

When I first wakeup

I always “Remember the Alamo”



You have a new story on D-Day on

I hope you all take the time to read it…


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