2010 Pre-Season Extravaganza Part II

August 30, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen –

My friends and fellow college football enthusiasts….
I hope you all enjoyed the first segment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

As promised I have the second of three installments of the Preseason Extravaganza Edition for your viewing pleasure and there should be something on the wire each day this week, right up until kickoff, to include your Week One Picks.

Buckle those chin strap tight, this season is going to be a slobber knocker.


Before we discuss this seasons “Contenders and Pretenders”
Let’s catch up on College Football Team News from around the country.


OREGON STATE: Recently a 19 year old naked beaver was found trespassing in a neighborhood in Corvallis Oregon. The naked beaver then proceeded to line up in a three point stance and attack local law enforcement officials who had confronted the naked trespassing beaver.
The law enforcement personnel were forced to subdue the naked beaver utilizing a TASER.

I also understand that an Oregon State football player got in trouble around the same time

FLORIDA STATE: Seminole coaching legend Bobby Bowden said this week that “he thought he had a lifetime contract” to coach football at Florida State. Of course Coach Bobby also thinks Calvin Coolidge is still President of the United States too.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Recently the Trojans were forced to apologize to the respective universities of Florida, Alabama, Washington, Oregon and Fresno State for accusing them of breaking NCAA rules by contacting one or more of the Trojan players without Southern California’s permission.

EDITORS NOTE: What is really funny about this incident is this:
While then Trojan Athletic Director Mike “I don’t see nothing” Garrett was slinging mud at other college football programs, Coach Lane Kiffin was violating NFL protocol by trying to steal coaches from other NFL teams without consulting the coaching staff or the management of the teams.
Specifically the Tennessee Titans are suing Lane Kiffin for taking at least one coach from the team without consulting either the coach of the Titans or the management of the team.

Funny, don’t you think?

TENNESSEE: When Phil Fulmer was at the University of Tennessee his name and the term “discipline” went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.

Athletic Director Mike Hamilton promised things would be different…..

Coach Dooley promised to “set the bar high” when it came to personally responsibility for players and coaches alike.

The Headlines around the state read….

“Vols Coach Derek Dooley to set bar with discipline”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Darren Myles was drunk, combative and removed from club”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee’s Phil Fulmer and Derek Dooley enjoy good relations”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols dismiss Darren Myles after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“More players could face charges after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols officials look into VIP status for players at bar”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Vols Athletic Director Mike Hamilton “hurt” over disciple issues at Tennessee”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee Vols Derek Dooley sees setback in quest to change culture”

The Nashville Tennessean

What was the end result?
Nothing…Nothing at all, everyone is back on the team…..
Like nothing ever happened. Just like the days of Fat Phil.

For all the rhetoric and promises and “new” era speeches by the athletic director and head coach it is still alright for players at the University of Tennessee to break curfew, get drunk in bars, fight patrons and assault police officers, without any repercussions.
And you wonder why they are still called U-Thug?

NEBRASKA: You joined the Big Ten or Eleven; because it can’t be the Big 12 you just ditched that conference, for what? What is going to happen to the traditional games with Oklahoma and Colorado? Is it about money? Is that all it takes to ditch tradition?

COLORADO: So the Buffalos decided to join the “Pacific Athletic Conference”, which is better known as the PAC 10 or eleven…whatever.
Here is a little hint for the folks from Boulder Colorado…..
Look out your window….
Do you see an “Ocean”? Are you near an “Ocean”?
Then why did you join the “Pacific” Athletic Conference?

MARSHALL: The Thundering Herd has the best Head Coach’s name in the country:
Coach Doc Holiday, now if they only had an Earp on the team….

NORTH CAROLINA: Due to the rash of recent suspensions for academic improprieties with “nanny” the tutor, the Tar Heels will only be able to field a limited number of players for the games this year.
By “limited” number I mean eight players. Two of which I understand are midgets.

GEORGIA: I have been gentle with my Bulldog Nation in the past and I love Coach Mark and his family.
But if you don’t get a grip on the discipline issues in Athens then the Bulldogs won’t be fielding as many players as the North Carolina Tar Heels this year.

TEXAS TECH: As many times as Tommy Tuberville has put his foot in his mouth you would think he would have gotten used to the taste by now.

EDITORS NOTE: For the Red Raider faithful I have one question…
Are you missing Coach Leach yet?

KANSAS: Everyone loves the college football media guides….

The media guides the universities produce each year for the football teams “normally” has the mascot, coach or key senior players on the cover of the guide.

Typically is has a motivating message on the cover…..
I think the Kansas Jayhawks are sending the “wrong” message with theirs…

NCAA: I will address the recent witch hunts conducted by the NCAA at another time…
But in the meantime I would like to raise an interesting question…
Why does the NCAA feel free to sell the images of college football athletes for millions of dollars to video game companies, without any compensation to the athletes?

They allow the official usage of the University logo’s as well, with no compensation to the universities. Millions of dollars….each year…..

How does this fit into the whole NCAA “amateurism” dogma?

How do they justify this?

It’s a good question, isn’t it?

OLE MISS: On the topic of the NCAA…..
Let me be sure I get this right…..
So, if a player decides he doesn’t want to play for his Division I university and he wants to transfer to “another” Division I school, he must set out a year. Now, if the individual in question decides he wants to transfer to a lower Division University or College then he can play immediately.

So the “former” Oregon quarterback, who was kicked off the team last year because he was a criminal, doesn’t have to set out a year and can play right away for Houston Nutt.

The NCAA said it was O.k. because they called it a “hardship” transfer.

Being a criminal is a “hardship”?

VIRGINIA TECH: I don’t know how the Hokies are going to perform without their Wang’s this year, but I have on good authority the defense will be as strong as ever.

EDITORS NOTE: I am talking about Ed Wang and his brother, so stop laughing.

TEXAS: No one is talking about the Mighty Longhorns this year…
Don’t worry they will be before October….

NOTRE DAME: Recently Coach Kelly of the “Fighting Irish” had a meeting with NBC officials televising the Irish games to ensure that commercial breaks will be held according to the “tempo” of the Notre Dame offense.


A college football “Coach, is negotiating with a network “when” commercials will be shown, during a game?

If a “coach” in the Southeastern Conference would have done the same thing as Coach Kelly, the NCAA would have had every investigator on their rolls racing down South.

And you all know it too….

BOISE STATE: Listen closely Bronco Fans….
I know you beat the PAC 10 Champion Last year, because I accurately predicted it
(No need to thank me)
But if you want to be taken seriously as a college football power then you have to play some “real” powerhouses “during” the season.

By that I mean…..
The Ohio State Buckeyes….
The Oklahoma Sooners…
The University of Texas….


Take your pick and play them…
Then we will believe…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are better than they were last year….
And that is scary…

HOUSTON: If you have to play the Cougars this year….
You will have a problem. They are good, real good.

TEXAS A&M: You will always be my favorite Agro-Americans.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are better than ever….
Will they win the Conference USA title?
You will have to wait for Part III of the Preseason Extravaganza to find out…

FLORIDA: I have heard a lot of Pro Football Hall of Fame acceptance speeches in my time….But I have never (ever) heard a player not mention the college he attended.

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?

I doubt without the University of Florida he wouldn’t have had the career he had.
Yet he never mentioned the Gator Nation, his teammates or his coaches….

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?


We all enjoy hearing the motivational pre-game speeches

This pre-game speech of yesterday has always been one of my favorites.

“Your fathers and your grandfathers are the ones who fought their fathers.
These men playing against you today are soldiers.
They are the Long Knives.
You are Indians.
Tonight, we will know if you are warriors.”

Glenn “Pop” Warner, Head Coach of the Carlisle Indians, pre-game pep talk to Jim Thorpe and the Carlisle team before the game with the Cadets of West Point.

If this doesn’t get you motivated, then nothing will.



TEXAS: The Mighty Longhorns have reloaded and will be in the hunt (again) for the National Title.
Remember you read it here first…

ALABAMA: If the defending National Champion Crimson Tide can replace the defense from a year ago, they will have a legitimate shot at the title again this year.
But that is a big if….

FLORIDA: Even without Tim Teabow the Mighty Gators are poised for another trip to Atlanta and the SEC Championship game. Plan your trip now….

IOWA: The Hawkeyes have a great defense and their game in the Big Horseshoe on November 19th will determine the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve Champion.

ARKANSAS: That’s right I said it….
The Razorbacks have one of the most gifted quarterbacks in the country and with a little luck could easily find themselves in Atlanta at the end of the season….

VIRGINIA TECH: Lead by the sensational Ryan Williams the Hokies could run the tables in the Atlantic Coast Conference this year, providing of course they get by Boise State this week and the matchup with the Hurricanes of Miami in south Florida on November 20th.

CARSON NEWMAN: The Eagles are a perennial powerhouse in Division II and once again Coach Sparks has his boys ready to make a run at the title.

WASHINGTON: There isn’t a national sports media outlet in the country that is picking the Huskies to compete for the PAC 10 or 11 crown this year…
Except for Your favorite College Football Prognosticator…

See you at the Rose Bowl…

GEORGIA TECH: Coach Paul Johnson will have the rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech competing for the ACC Crown again this year, believe it…

NEBRASKA: One Second…..
That “one second” haunts the Cornhusker Nation from last year and it will motivate them back into the Big 12 Championship game this year, believe it.

AUBURN: The Tigers of Auburn are better than they were a year ago and will challenge for the SEC Crown this year, and that’s a fact.

NORTH ALABAMA: The Might Lions of Division II have returned to prominence despite being coached by Terry Bowden. They will be in the hunt for the Division II title and a rematch with the Coach Sparks Eagles from Carson Newman along the way…

THE OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes have a legitimate shot at the National Title this year, but…
They have a few hurdles along the way with the Hurricanes coming to town on September 11th and traveling to Wisconsin on October 16th and then the game for the conference title with Iowa on November 20th in the Big Horseshoe.

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s will not be undefeated this year….
But due in large part to playing in a weak conference they will be in the mix at the end of the season for a shot at a BCS game.

BYU: The Cougars took down the mighty Oklahoma Sooners last year and then proceeded to blow it out their respective butts against the Seminoles, but the boys from Provo will be in contention for the conference crown, providing of course they get by the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian on October 16th.


WASHINGTON STATE: The Cougars couldn’t win a game if they were playing by themselves.

DUKE: When the student body cancels a Pep Rally for a football game “due to lack of attendance”, nothing more needs to be said.

THE IVY LEAGUE: Plain and simple, you all suck.

VIRGINIA: The once proud Cavaliers rival only Duke as the worse team in the ACC….

NOTRE DAME: Your haughty attitude and infatuation with Golden Gnomes is confusing to the rest of the college football world, particularly since you suck.

PITTSBURGH: I know I know….
The Panthers are picked by “everybody” to win the Big East title…
But that really doesn’t mean anything…

INDIANA: The Hoosiers are the Richard Simmons of the Big Ten.
They are kind of funny to watch for a few minutes but then it’s just said.

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins rival only the Oregon Ducks for the title of “Ugliest Uniforms in College Football” but other than that there is little to brag about.

ARMY: The Black Knights of the Hudson will get their ass kicked again this year by Navy and Air Force….Believe it

NCAA: This institution “pretends” to be a volunteer organization that cares only about the student athletes and the integrity of the game, yet it takes billions of dollars a year from the universities and colleges it professes to protect, without just compensation to the universities themselves.
And of course….
If you don’t join this “volunteer” organization then you can’t participate in any collegiate athletic events and no other schools can play with you or they will be punished by the NCAA.

And some of you actually wonder why I call them Nazis?

BAYLOR: The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest orthopedic medical schools in the world, which is the polar opposite of the Baylor Bear football team.

DUKE: The Blue Devils are so bad I felt obligated to mention them twice…

MICHIGAN: Last year you won one game in the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve or whatever it’s called now. It won’t get any better this year, so let me break the news to you now…
Make that three years in a row without the Wolverines going to a bowl game…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Gosh where to begin….
If vacating the wins and losing the Heisman Trophy and the National Title wasn’t bad enough, you went and hired Lane Kiffin. Talk about adding insult to injury.


Q: Hey Mister Wizard!!!!

Man, can you believe it’s almost football season AGAIN!!!???
I can’t hardly wait till next week to see my beloved team, the Georgia-by-God-Bulldogs put a whoopin’ on Loosianer Lafayette. Just in case you didn’t know that Loosiana team is called the ragin’ Cajuns. But they’re gonna end up with a ragin’ case of the red ass when our boys get through with ‘em.
Well, that’s if we can keep everbody outta jail and such. I’m startin to get worried about some of are boys cause I thank the po-lice is just lookin’ fer a reason to pull are boys over and arrest ‘em. I thank that the head of security up to Athens is probly a secret agent from that underhanded devil Irvin Myer or that evil Nick Satan.
Did you know that they even arrested are athletic head honcho and got him fired? Yessirreee bobtail that’s exactly what happened.
And to top it all off they got one of are star runnin backs for hittin a car in a parkin garage. We even had a fella that could make some fake ID’s and stuff.
You know, I wonder if that’s where that Mettenberger fella got his ID when he got in that trouble at that little honky tonk place down to Valdosta? Well, anyway, South Carlina and the ol bald coach better watch out too cause after we beat them Cajuns, them Cocks is next. I do have one question though. If we keep getting these boys arrested and such and they all go to the same jail, do you think the my hero, Mr Burt Reynolds, might come down here and make a movie like he was in? He could call it The Longest Yard II !!! It would be like one of them sequel things!!!
Well, you have yourself a good day Mr Wizard.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: I’m not really sure what you said Lemuel, but welcome back….

Q: Dear sir, when mentioning “Fight Songs” in the first part of your College Football Extravaganza, but you failed to mention the GREAT traditional fight song from the University of Michigan “the Victors”.
Could you please reference “the Victors” in the next segment please?
Eddie – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Eddie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news….
But I have on good authority that the University of Michigan has renamed the song..
“the occasional Victors”, which just didn’t flow well with my subject matter, sorry.

Q: Hey Man! When are we going to hear from Ole Hootie Snitch?
I heard that boy went and got himself hitched!
Dale – Cookeville, Tennessee

A: In an effort to be fair and balanced in this column….
Hootie Snitch will have his own preseason prognostications out this week..
So stand by…

Q: Dear sir –
I took exception to your characterization that “all people up north” dress like Nanok of the North for football games. For your information we have four seasons in North Dakota and we don’t always dress in winter clothing.
Sincerely –
Rob – Bismarck, North Dakota

A: I would have expected a letter like this from somebody in Columbus Ohio…
But from someone in NORTH DAMN DAKOTA, are you kidding me?
You don’t have four seasons in North Dakota, you have TWO seasons.
Winter and Fourth of July….Enough said…

Q: I read your rants and you are nothing but a straight up racist!
Everything you write and the way you write it clearly identifies you as a racist!
Why don’t you just come out from behind your sheet and admit it?
Tawalla – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I used to enjoy being a distance racist but now I just stick to the hundred yard dash.
But thanks for asking.

EDITORS NOTE: I receive a variety of these accusations over the course of a season, for reasons that continue to baffle me, so let me share my philosophy with you on this subject.
The color of a person’s skin doesn’t make them a jackass; it’s acting like a jackass that makes them a jackass. Enough said…

Q: What’s with the NCAA discriminating against “larger” Coaches in College football?
First they made Phil Fulmer leave who was a GREAT customer of mine!
Then it was Kansas’s Mark Mangino who is also a great customer!
Now I hear rumors that the Maryland Terrapin Coach Ralph Friedgen is on the hot seat!
What gives Mister Wizard?
I smell a conspiracy and I also smell a Philly Cheese Steak, but that’s another story.
So what do you think?
Manny’s Really Big and Tall Shops – Newark, New Jersey

A: I don’t know if you are on to something or not Manny….
But I am proud to report the coaches you referenced ALL beat anorexia!

Q: Dear Sir I have a problem I hope you can help me with.
Whenever I urinate it burns like hell and I find myself not drinking any water or fluids to prevent me from going to the bathroom. This has me very dehydrated, but I don’t want to feel my crotch on fire either. Do you have any advice that could help me?
Thank you
Jim – Charlotte, North Carolina

A: Jim, you have gone to the wrong website, please go to my “other” website entitled “Turn your head and cough with Doctor Mike”.

Q: Mister Wizard I am appalled!
How dare you describe Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita as looking like a Ten Dollar hooker!
She DOES NOT look like a Ten Dollar hooker!
So Drop it!
Jane – Detroit, Michigan

A: When I am wrong I admit it….
With the recent down turn in the economy….
There is NO way that Rita Rod looks like a Ten dollar hooker.
She looks more like a five dollar hooker…

Thanks for correcting me Jane.

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
I heard the University of Tennessee will introduce another version of a fight song this year!
Is that true? I can’t wait for football season to begin!
Timmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Thanks for writing Timmy…
I have on good authority that decision has not been made yet although discussions are still ongoing. The “new” version in question will replace “Rocky Top” with “Jailhouse Rock”.

Q: Mister Wizard I can’t believe you said the Notre Dame cheerleaders are ugly.
The picture of the Irish cheerleader in the Preseason Extravaganza wasn’t bad at all.
She may not have known where to place the “GO” sign, but she wasn’t bad looking.
Matt – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Are you kidding? The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a bit in it…

Q: Dear Wizard
When referencing mascots recently you failed to mention the GREAT college mascot “Ralphie” the buffalo from Colorado. Is there a reason for the oversight?
Chuck – Golden, Colorado

A: I am sorry Chuck that was not done on purpose.
The mere mention of a large raging buffalo reminded me of the mutant women described in the University of Tennessee song “Rocky Top” and I threw up a little bit..
Sorry for the oversight.

Your Conference Champions and Championships will be detailed tomorrow
on the last installment of your Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

Later Hootie Snitch will have his own perspective on the 2010 Season…

And Your Week One College Football Picks will be out later in the week too…

So Stay Tuned…


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