Ladies and Gentlemen –
Before Thanksgiving begins in earnest next week we have several tantalizing tidbits on the menu for you this week.
We will be serving a few instate rivalries, filled with bitterness and hatred, topped with bragging rights.
There will also be a lighter selection of other rivalries delicately balanced with a smidgen of nondescript trophies and odd nicknames for your viewing palate.
This week should be quite tasty
Enjoy
Weekend Rewind….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t score the numbers he did last week…(I know, I know)
(I have no idea why I am writing this segment in third person…)
But I did however pick the “Upset of the Week” of Oklahoma over previously undefeated Baylor
(You are Welcome Sooner Faithful)
That leaves the CFB Wizard for the week at 49 and 15 or 77% and overall for the season at 605 and 121 or 83%.
As was briefly mentioned last week, The CFB Wizard was selected to take part in a public service campaign by “People Who Are Against Everything Fun” or PWAAEF”, and sponsored by “The Democrat National Committee on “Do as I say, Not as I do”
To demonstrate the ills of drinking alcohol, I will be selecting and writing this week’s picks while drinking a few alcoholic drinks, selected by the “PWAAEF” representative next to me “Miss Debbie”.
Pardon me, I was just corrected by her, it’s “MS DEBRA”….my mistake
Please note! This is an experiment and is NOT being conducted for ANY personal enjoyment on my part, but merely as a demonstration on the ills of alcohol and how it can impair one’s thinking.
EDITORS NOTE: Also too, I got a bunch of money to do this…
This should be interesting
Enjoy
EMAIL OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Nostra-Dumbass
Your constant criticism of the West Point football team is not only absurd in its content but it is not based upon ANY facts.
For example, the Cadets of West Point several weeks ago defeated the mighty Bucknell Bison on a last minute touchdown.
Before you launch into another of your amateurish diatribes about the mighty Cadets of Army, I want to point out three very important yet glaringly obvious examples of the Cadets prowess on the gridiron.
1. The reflective PT belts that I insisted the team wear over their uniforms has proven to have prevented ANY of our future army officers from being ran over by vehicles during any of our games; Not a single mishap mind you, not one.
2. It may appear on the surface that the Bucknell Bison are not a powerhouse; wrong!
They have some of the most powerful alumni in the entire country.
Have you ever heard of Mr. Lee Moonves, he is only the President of CBS television! How about David West the CEO of Del Monte Foods, ever heard of him? Or how about Ralph Waite, hello, he was only Papa Walton from the Walton Family you idiot!
So despite your Neanderthal and outdated views the new army transgendered, unisex, metro-sexual cheerleaders we now have at West Point, inspires our team to victory, after victory on the field of multiculturalism.
Sincerely
General Martin Dempsey, Chief of Staff United States Army
PS: Just so you know….
So called “sports” are not the central focus of the United States Army
Who is our biggest enemy today?
Climate Change
How are we attacking climate change?
By cutting off the lights, eating cold soup and clipping our toenails with eyebrow tweezers.
That’s How!
A: Did he just call me “Nostra-Dumbass”, really?
THE GAMES
Tuesday, November 17
Toledo at Bowling Green
I haven’t even had a drink yet, and I feel that I am in the “zone”
ROCKETMAN 44-23
Ball State at Ohio
Due to my prognostication prowess many people joke that I have “ESPN”
The fact is, I have ESPN “Classic”; I can tell you what happened “yesterday”
FRANK’S CATS 48-31
Wednesday, November 18
Central Michigan at Kent State
I am not a fan of “fruity” drinks….
But I wonder if this slice of pineapple could be considered as a…
CHIPPEWA’S 31-21
Western Michigan at Northern Illinois
“Hey MS Debra, this thing isn’t full of sugar is it, because I don’t want to get…
HUSKIES 41-14
Thursday, November 19
East Carolina at Central Florida
This stupid drink tastes like cool-aide mixed with turpentine
(But the glass is quite decorative)
(And I keeping the tiny umbrella, just so you know)
O’ SO very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-24
Louisiana Monroe at Texas State
(I poured the rest of this syrupy into a plastic plant and it wilted)
TEX’S CATS 31-28
Friday, November 20
Brown at Columbia
Forget it, so stop asking…
Cincinnati at South Florida
What’s next on the agenda MS Debra, I am flying through the picks
Bourbon; Now we are talking…
Cincinnati is good town for just such a pick-me-up on a cold day
BEARKATS 34-17
Air Force at Boise State
I truly wish I could pick the beloved Falcons in this one…
But I can’t, sorry
BRONCO’S 41-21
Saturday, November 21
The Division II – Super Region II Playoffs
Valdosta State and Carson Newman
It’s going to be close….Close
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-38
North Alabama and Newberry
You know where my loyalties are…
FLORENCE LIONS 38-34
Division III Playoffs
Norwich and Albright
To be perfectly honest with you…
I don’t think Al is all that Bright
CADETS 31-28
St Norbert and Wisconsin Whitewater
Don’t they mean “Saint Sherbet”?
(That stuff is wonderful)
ST SHERBET 24-21
Houston at Connecticut
I am feeling the same warm glow I do as when I fly into my adopted State of Texas
It’s a good feeling
COUGARS 34-17
Montana at Montana State
This bitter instate rivalry in The Big Sky Country
Is simply called “The Brawl of the Wild”
It’s played for the beautiful (and heavy as hell)
“Great Divide Trophy”
I sure wish I was there on Saturday….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-17
Navy at Tulsa
Ironically as I came to this pick I overheard MS Debra say to someone over the phone
“He drinks like a sailor”
(That’s a sign from above)
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 41-21
LSU at Ole Miss
This bitter rivalry is called “The Magnolia Bowl”
But what it actually is, is this….
“The We Hate Your Damn Guts Bowl”
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-24
Louisville at Pittsburgh
I was going to try and describe some connection between these two teams as..
Being on “The River”
But now I have Tina Turner in my head singing “Proud Mary”
What the hell ever got into Ike Turner anyway, the jackass
Never mind..
(This Kentucky Bourbon is delicious by the way)
BOBBY’S BIRDS 34-31
Arizona at Arizona State
This bitter instate rivalry in the state that is consistently hotter than the surface of the Sun
Is called “The Duel in the Desert” and it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”
(If I drank a territorial cup of this fine bourbon I would be higher than a Georgia pine)
WILDCATS 41-38
Southern California at Oregon
I wouldn’t go as far as calling this one an “Upset”
I am feeling pretty good at the moment actually
TROJANS 34-31
UCLA at Utah
I almost wrote…..
“So Two Bourbons and a Ute walk into a bar”
Surely I am not that buzzed yet…
TWO UTES 38-24
Princeton at Dartmouth
I’m sorry, do they play football there?
I thought they just “protested” the hell out of everything
California at Stanford
This “rivalry” in the Land of Fruits and Nuts is entitled…
“The Big Game”
(How original)
And it’s played for “The Stanford Axe”
(That doesn’t sound very environmentally friendly to me)
CARDINAL 38-17
Texas Christian at Oklahoma
I am going to need another glass of this “experiment” if I am picking this one..
No “Upset” here, just straight up “win”
(Hey Debbie, how about another drinkie Por’ favor!)
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 34-28
Baylor at Oklahoma State
Bourbon makes me a little melancholy, so I have to say…
“My Heroes have always been Cowboys”
(Now DEBRA is “upset” that I called her “Debbie”, never mind I will get it myself)
COWBOY UP! 44-38
Purdue at Iowa
Finally, another of the Big Ten (something like that) Conference “rivalries”
This one is played for “The Purdue Corn Cannon and Processed Meat Hat”
(I bet that “trophy” smells like old people’s feet and cow butt)
HAWKEYES 31-17
Missouri State at North Dakota State
Someone wrote me this past week and asked
“Is the Fargo Dome in Bismark?”
(No dumbass, it’s in Chicago)
MIGHTY BISON 41-17
Indiana at Maryland
Pardon me, but I just had to explain to “DEBRA”….
That mixing any form of “soft-drink” with ten year old Kentucky Bourbon…
Makes her the devil incarnate
(Don’t judge me, I don’t make the rules)
HOOSIER DADDY 28-24
Illinois at Minnesota
And then I had to explain to “Her” that the reason I had another drink was to get the taste of that “Fruit-syrup – monkey foot” drink taste out of my mouth.
SAFETY TIP: “IF” you can’t pronounce it, it’s best not to drink it
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 34-28
Michigan State at Ohio State
Maybe this pick is just “wishful thinking” on my part….
Just like I am “wishing” DEBRA would bring me another glass of “experiment” for this little safety thingy whatever I am doing.
SPARTANS 34-31
Michigan at Penn State
Slightly off the subject, I think my lips are numb
(But other than that I feel fantastic, by the way)
WOLVERINES 31-28
Northwestern at Wisconsin
Noticing this game on the schedule this week…
And knowing I was going to pick the Badgers from the Land of Cheese, I “asked” DEBRA for a “snack” like some cheese and crackers to go along with this little “experiment” we are conducting.
She said “NO”….
(I think she is a Nazi)
CHEESEMEN 41-21
Rutgers at Army
Pardon me….
But I was unaware that calling an angry lesbian with a bad haircut “a cheese snack Nazi” was wrong….
(And just for the record, my Black Lab “Doc” and my German Sheppard “Sadie” were going to enjoy the snacks too; they help with the weekly picks after all)
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17
West Virginia at Kansas
I almost wrote a typo on this one….
“I hope you all burn something from this experiment….”
(That sounds like I wrote this column in Morgantown on Saturday night)
MOUNTAINEERS 68-3
Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry between two traditional agricultural universities…
Has the very Best nickname of any rivalry, anywhere in the country
They call it…
“Farmageddon”
(You can’t beat that)
BILL’S CATS 31-24
North Carolina at Virginia Tech
It’s close to thanksgiving and these turkeys are in the oven…
(Seriously, I can’t have a snack? Well then I will have another snoot full)
TAR HEELS 33-17
EDITORS NOTE: But as a side note, I dated a girl from North Carolina once and she was a “Tar Heel”, well at least until she washed her feet and then they looked like everybody else’s.
The Citadel at South Carolina
This Battle in the Palmetto State doesn’t have a name…..
Because they don’t play that often
But I will say this, Carolina better not lose
GAMECOCKS 38-17
Florida Atlantic at Florida
Just so you don’t think I was being “rude” about asking for the cheese snacks…
And calling DEBRA “a cheese snack Nazi”
I just attempted to compliment DEBRA and clearly she took it “the wrong way”
All I said was….
“You know Debbie, if you dropped about 175 pounds, grew your hair out and ditched the angry lumberjack outfit you might have something working for you”
(I just don’t get women)
MIGHTY GATORS 41-10
Memphis at Temple
I have no known rationale to making this pick….
But I am getting another glass of Kentucky Bourbon
By the way do know that if you misspell “bourbon” and hit spellcheck it says…
“Baboon”
(Interesting)
ELVIS’S TIGERS 34-24
North Texas at Middle Tennessee
I have often utilized my humor to “disarm” people…
But I have learned that making jokes about Cher makes lesbians angry
(I think she just ate my steak knives)
BLUE RAIDERS 41-38
Syracuse at North Carolina State
Not that it’s worth mentioning here, but I will…
Debbie’s combat boots aren’t very flattering
I’m just saying…
ORANGE 34-28
Harvard at Yale
I guess this a big game, rivalry or whatever in the land of button down vests and buttholes
Nobody Cares..
Georgia Tech at Miami (FL)
This game is a toss-up, kind of like Debbie’s wardrobe…
(Don’t judge me; she has been mean since she stepped through the door)
YELLOW JACKETS 31-28
Western Kentucky at Florida International
I think the “experiment” with this Kentucky Bourbon has suddenly gone array..
For reason’s I quite explain I am trying to find a word that rhymes with..
“Monkey”
HILLTOPPERS 41-14
Chattanooga at Florida State
You don’t need to tell me…
I know that I have “issues”
But not the same kind or as many as the Seminole Football team
To answer your question here; “Yes”, if you can find someone or something more screwed up than yourself than you will feel better about yourself.
CRIMINOLES 44-14
Fresno State at Brigham Young
I am still so upset over the cougars loss last week to Missouri, I can’t see straight
But to be honest, I am having trouble seeing straight right now anyway
COUGARS 28-24
Nevada at Utah State
You know what a funny word is to say?
“Shama Lama Ding Dong”
(That makes me laugh)
AGGIES 31-24
Old Dominion at Southern Mississippi
Before you judge my “public service” participation in this “experiment”
It’s worth noting that my dear friends in the Great State of Mississippi are also Bourbon drinkers….
(I forgot where I was going with this one)
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-10
Louisiana Tech at UTEP
I have noticed other than slightly impaired eyesight and hand and eye coordination…
My ears are ringing just a bit..
I refuse to believe that is the result of this fine Bourbon
Debbie is playing a damn Cher CD on my stereo that is actually making my ears bleed
BULLDOGS 41-21
Buffalo at Akron
My Lord, “Cher”, really?
Well, “If I could turn back time”…..
I would make Cher disappear and make Debbie a deaf mute…
(Don’t you dare judge me)
ZIPPY 41-38
Murray State at Jacksonville State
If Debbie doesn’t put my Waylon Jennings CD back on…..
I am going to put on Sammy Hagar
And crank it up till it causes structural damage to my house
GAMECOCKS 41-24
Wake Forest at Clemson
This experiment would be a lot more fun if my adopted Tiger Family were in this experiment with me
That’s a fact
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17
Duke at Virginia
I bet Debbie has to wear those combat boots because she has hoofs instead of feet
(At this point I am convinced that at one time Debbie was an East German shot putter)
BLUE TURDS 28-24
Idaho at Auburn
There is one thing I have noticed over the years..
The more I drink, the less I like Auburn..
(I must be pretty snockered at this point)
WAR EAGLES 41-0
Charleston Southern at Alabama
The Buccaneers of Charleston are 9 and 1
The Mighty Tide are 9 and 1 also…
This is going to be a better game than you might think
The Tide better not take them lightly
CRIMSON TIDE 38-21
New Mexico State at Louisiana Lafayette
On an unrelated side note….
I am sure the reason they didn’t select any Cajuns for this experiment is…
When those folks get liquored up, they start talking in French
RAJUN CAJUNS 33-14
Colorado State at New Mexico
Debbie drove a Dodge Truck over here to “supervise” this experiment
That may be a “sign” here
RAM TOUGH 31-17
Washington at Oregon State
I think this bunch of beavers have been damned
(May it’s the Bourbon, but that made me laugh)
HUSKIES 31-17
Rice at Texas San Antonio
Beep…Beep….
ROADRUNNERS 31-28
Mississippi State at Arkansas
This game features…
Hawgs and Dawgs
(Say, isn’t that the name of a German Ice Cream Company?)
HAWGS 31-24
Georgia Southern at Georgia
The Big Dawgs better Hunker Down in this one
The Southern Eagles are for Real
BIG DAWGS 34-24
Tennessee at Missouri
To be perfectly Honest…
I wouldn’t root for these Tigers if they were playing against Iran
VOWELS 38-17
Charlotte at Kentucky
Oddly enough I knew a Charlotte in Kentucky once….
She had a personality that made Debbie’s attitude seem angelic
WIDCATS 44-10
Texas A&M at Vanderbilt
I have confirmed through this “experiment”
What I already knew…
Unlike the classic KISS song lyrics..
I can no longer rock and roll all night and party everyday
I am now only able to “Rock and Roll” till about eight o’clock in the evening
And I can only party every other day and still function properly
GIG EM AGGIES 28-17
Boston College vs Notre Dame
This Old catholic Rivalry has been known by many names over the years…
“The Vatican Bowl”
“The Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl”
“The Jesuit Invitational”
And most recently…
“The Holy War”
(When I get real liquored up I become rather intellectual)
GOLDEN GNOMES 41-17
Tulane at Southern Methodist
I have got to start using spellcheck a bit closer…
I almost wrote something about “My Proud Homies”
(I may have had enough..)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 41-21
North Dakota at Cal Poly
Even liquored up, I can’t pull or pick a team from California
(No, I’m not sorry)
FIGHTING SIOUX 33-28
Colorado at Washington State
As an extra added safety tip…
Regardless of “How much” you have had to drink
Don’t ever tell an angry lesbian East German Shot Putter that…
“From behind she looks like she has about three thousand dollars worth of hail damage”
(Don’t worry…….
The doctor said that the swelling in my right eye should go down by Thanksgiving)
COUGARS 38-28
Next Week……
As you might have noticed and I am sure you did…
Your favorite guest writer “Harley Hanesworth” with the “South Georgia News and Views” has moved to Tuesday nights and will transition into a college football commentary. It’s sure to a good series, so tune in
And….
Your Thanksgiving Picks will be out on Wednesday before Thanksgiving
There will be a lot of “hate and discontent” on the menu, you won’t want to miss it
So stay tuned…
One More Thing…
There will be another story on mikerights.com next week just in time for Thanksgiving
And If I haven’t mentioned it lately
Thank you all for riding along with me each and every week throughout the college football season and reading mikerights.com.
I truly appreciate it
More than you know
Now I need to put some ice on this eye
Enjoy Your Games
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD