Ladies and Gentlemen –
Much like Richard Petty…..
It’s good to be the King….
Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator……
Finished Week One at 63 and 7 or a rather remarkable 90%…..
Not to mention…
Hitting the “Upset Special” and the exact score of the game…
However, even with this wonderful statistic..
I was roundly criticized in an email last week that said my writing style “wasn’t sophisticated enough…..”
The email went on to state that my website “should be more artsy”……
Me not sophisticated enough?
So with that in mind and in an effort to add some “sophistication” to my website….
I am going do a portion of the Week Two College Football Picks..
Through “Interpretive Dance”
Let me get loosened up before we get started, I don’t want to pull a hamstring…
THE GAMES
Thursday September 10th
Clemson at Georgia Tech
I wish I had better news for my Tiger faithful…
But I am serious about going on strike…
If I have to endure another season without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17
Campbellsville at Carson Newman
Do you know what the mascot from Campbellsville is called?
“Gaylord the Camel”…..
Enough said…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-10
Slippery Rock at Kutztown
I wonder if Kutztown is close to Funky Town?
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20
Friday September 11th
Colorado at Toledo
When I read the Buffalos would be playing the Rockets…
I thought….
Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my sister-in-law on a rocket to Mars
I know…
Sometimes I wish for too much.
BUFFALOS 24-20
Worchester Tech at Worchester State
This Worchester Sauce rivalry has gotten out of hand…
I would pick this game, but I am a Tabasco man…
Sorry..
Saturday September 12th
Idaho State at Oklahoma
I couldn’t help but notice…
My River Dance closely resembles the Sooners running game this coming weekend
SOONERS 38-0
Syracuse at Penn State
I just hit by toe on the damn coffee table…
I need ice and some Tylenol…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10
North Carolina at Connecticut
Don’t worry..
I can do the “Hula” with ice on my foot….
But it makes me wonder….
Did they call Don Ho’s wife, “Mrs. Ho”?
That’s just wrong…
TAR HEELS 24-21
Eastern Michigan at Northwestern
Before you ask….
“No” I am not wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra…
WILDCATS 33-17
Richmond at Delaware
My Labrador Retriever “Doc”…
Must have thought I wanted to play while I was performing the “Hula”.
When I wasn’t paying attention he jumped up and hit me square in the Jimmy..
I have to set down for a minute…
BLUE HENS 28-24
Western Michigan at Indiana
Hoosier Bronco?
Sounds like the standard greeting at a Village People reunion Concert
HOOSIERS 24-20
Central Michigan at Michigan State
I need to limp into the kitchen and get another bag of ice…
Doc really nailed me
SPARTANS 38-10
Stanford at Wake Forest
Doc must have used both his front feet….
Because just for a second I thought I was going to pass out…
Wait, I need to concentrate on this game
Lets see…
We have the California “Tree” and that other mascot….
That looks like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender
DEMON DEACONS 28-24
Fresno State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Pasteurized Velveeta
BADGERS 31-24
Duke at Army
One of the First signs of the coming Apocalypse?
The Black Knights of the Hudson win two games in a row…
BLACK KNIGHTS 33-14
Albion at Thiel College
“Tonic” has his own college?
He must have more money squirreled away than Ernest Tubb
But I have to ask….
Why is he playing against one of Prince’s former backup singers?
TONICS 24-17
EDITORS NOTE: The above was intended as an inside joke…
If you didn’t get it, don’t worry about it.
Pittsburgh at Buffalo
I wonder….
Is Pittsburg playing the City, the College or the Animal?
They need to be more specific..
PANTHERS 38-10
Iowa at Iowa State
This battle for instate supremacy is played for the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Not really sure what that is…
But I am betting it’s not as valuable as the Floyd of Rosedale…
I just found out the Floyd of Rosedale is a Trophy of a Bronze Pig ..
How cool is that?
HAWKEYES 24-23
Troy at Florida
This is going to get uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night
Minus the midnight blue eye shadow…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-10
Marshall at Virginia Tech
This is an excellent opportunity for me to perform….
The “Hokie Pokey….:”
Wait? Is it “put my left foot in” or the other way around?
Now I am confused…
I hope I don’t pull something..
HOKIES 38-10
Arkansas State at Nebraska
I knew I shouldn’t have attempted the “Electric Slide”….
After my wife just waxed the kitchen floor
I can’t believe I broke the coffee pot….
CORNHUSKERS 43-13
Kent State at Boston College
The folks from Kent State are known as the “Golden Flashes”
What are they referring too?
A bunch of old People flashing traffic in front of the Rest Home?
Sorry for the visual…
CHESNUTT HILL EAGLES 41-7
Gallaudet at Hiram
I knew and old man named Hiram when I was a little boy…
He was the toughest man I ever knew…
This fancy pants Frenchman wouldn’t stand a chance against him..
HIRAM SISK 43-24
Texas at Wyoming
Longhorns stampede Cowboys….
Film at Eleven…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 45-16
Houston at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys had better be careful…
The Cougars are for real….
COWBOY UP! 33-28
Texas Christian at Virginia
If the Cavaliers couldn’t beat a liquored up Bill and Mary
Then they sure can’t take a Horned Frog down…
It’s a rule…
HORNED FROGS 28-17
Susquehanna at Juniata
There is nothing quite like watching two Mexican girls fight…
While I perform the Macarena.
JUNIATA 17-10
Brigham Young at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a chartreuse trickle before this one is over..
COUGARS 33-13
Notre Dame at Michigan
In honor of this game…
I will now perform the Polka…
But to be perfectly honest…
I would rather be water boarded than listen to polka music..
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17
Howard at Rutgers
Howard? Howard Sprague from the Andy Griffith Show?
Doesn’t really matter here….
Because Barney Fife is still the man…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 38-0
Idaho at Washington
Keeping with the theme of “Idaho”…
I will now perform the “Mash Potato”…
MIGHTY HUSKIES 31-24
East Carolina at West Virginia
I love the smell of burned couches smoldering in the morning air…
It smells like…
Victory…
MOUNTAINEERS 34-24
Louisiana Tech at Navy
I won’t doubt the Midshipmen again…
At least not this week…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24
South Arkansas at Valdosta State
Now this is a shame…
The Folks from “Football Country” in Valdosta Georgia…
Used to be known as the “Rebels”
But since that is deemed as “racist” by a bunch of Yankees
They are now known as the “Blazers”…
What is so scary about a nice sport coat?
Who sponsors them, The Men’s Wearhouse?
MEN’S WEARHOUSE 31-28
Southern Methodist at UAB
My Poor Ponies will be outmatched in this one…
That’s all I have to say about that…
BLAZERS 33-17
EDITORS NOTE: Why are these “Blazers” mascot a Dragon?
Is it a well dressed Dragon? A Dragon wearing a sport coat?
It doesn’t make sense to me…
Never mind…
UCLA at Tennessee
It seemed at first glance…
That performing a Tennessee version of a “Ho-Down” would be most appropriate for this game.
But that term has an entirely different meaning in OBKnoxville….
When a person says “Ho-Down” in OBKnoxville..
It is usually followed by someone yelling, “And call the Po-lice!”
VOWELS 33-24
Georgia Southern at South Dakota State
As far as I am concerned….
When it comes to Statesboro…
Coach Russell is still the man, the myth and the Legend.
EAGLES 24-21
Weber State at Colorado State
Have I mentioned lately…
That the folks from Weber make a wonderful little grill perfect for tailgating?
RAMS 31-14
Eastern Washington at California
Since the State of California has become “Mexico North”, I will now perform…
The Flamingo…
What’s with holding your hand in the air while you snap your fingers?
I don’t get it..
GOLDEN BEARS 44-10
Jacksonville State at Florida State
I almost lost my fingers in the damn ceiling fan…
I need to get some more ice and take some more Tylenol
SEMINOLES 34-0
James Madison at Maryland
I am not to sure about Jim….
But I know his lovely wife Dolly makes some wonderful donuts
Not that it matters here
FIGHTING TURTLES 31-17
La Grange at Shorter College
I KNEW there was a college for midgets!
HAW HAW HAW 24-14
EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know..
The above Pick was in reference to my favorite ZZ Top song…
Murray State at North Carolina State
My Tennessee Vol “Salute” finger is so swollen it looks like a hotdog…
Glad I didn’t lose it…
WOLFPACK 23-17
Florida International at Alabama
The Folks from Florida should know all about High Tides by now…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-0
Vanderbilt at LSU
The Commodores haven’t beaten the Tigers in LSU since 1951..
That streak continues Saturday Night…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10
South Carolina at Georgia
This game is going to bloodier than Prom night at the Butcher School
DAWGS 20-17
North Alabama at Henderson State
The Boys from Florence get it done again this week…
LIONS 33-10
Mississippi State at Auburn
Get the toilet paper out Tiger fans….
And head on down to Toomer’s Corner…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 28-17
Air Force at Minnesota
I always thought “Salsa” was just a tasty dip with tortilla chips..
And “Doing the Salsa”..
Meant somebody had to run down to Piggly Wiggly to get more dip at halftime.
Who knew it was actually a dance?
FALCONS 28-24
Bowling Green at Missouri
Despite the fact “Curley” is my favorite of the Three Stooges..
I still have go with MO in this one..
MO’S TIGERS 33-13
Hawaii at Washington State
I was going to watch this game….
But, the North American Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U…
I can’t miss it…
Sorry…
WARRIORS skipping over RAINBOWS 6-3
Illinois State at Illinois
“Run here come the Sycamore Trees!”
Sorry, I still don’t get it…
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 31-10
Central Florida at Southern Miss
On paper this is going to be a really close game…
But they don’t play football games on paper.
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-23
Rice at Texas Tech
I would never disappoint my Red Raider faithful
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17
Kansas at Texas El Paso UTEP
I figured out what “Salsa” means in Spanish…
It means…
“If you aren’t careful, you will pull a muscle in your hip”
JAYHAWKS 23-21
South Florida at Western Kentucky
I really didn’t think this whole “Interpretive Dance” idea through..
Or I would have bought more ice..
NO BULL 31-17
Southern California at Ohio State
Maybe I have injured myself too much today with my interpretive dance..
Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…
It could just be my deep hatred of everything Southern California
Either way…
I am a believer
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17
Miami (Ohio) at Boise State
Remember you heard it here first…
The Broncos will finish the season undefeated…
BRONCOS 34-10
Tulsa at New Mexico
My hand is so swollen from catching it in the ceiling fan that I am typing with my elbow.
Not the one I hit with the coffee pot, the other elbow.
But setting on this ice pack makes me appreciate how polar bears must feel.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-28
Northern Arizona at Arizona
I was going to do this ballet thing….
But I think I broke my toe on the coffee table earlier doing the damn River Dance
Sorry..
WILDCATS 6-3
Purdue at Oregon
I was trying to think of something positive to say about the Quackers
But the Tylenol is starting to kick in…
BOILERMAKERS 23-17
Utah at San Jose State
I have a semi-unrelated Philosophical question for you…
If San Jose is everybody’s Home Coming Game…
Then who do they play at Home Coming?
Makes you wonder. Doesn’t it?
TWO UTES 34-10
Oregon State at UNLV
Next time I want to do the picks through “Interpretive Dance”
I think I will just have somebody beat me with a fungo bat for an hour.
It won’t hurt nearly as bad…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17
After I return from the Emergency Room…..
I will have a special update for you tomorrow…
So stay tuned….
Enjoy your games…
RTR
MEB