Ladies and Gentlemen –
We have a lot of college football news to discuss from Tallahassee to Tacoma….
So let’s get to it…..
TEAM NEWS
TENNESSEE: This past week Athletic Director Mike Hamilton alluded to the Volunteer Football Team wearing black jerseys at selected home games this year….
Despite the fact “black” is not an official color of the University of Tennessee.
In case you were counting….
The current list of “official” University of Tennessee school colors is as follows:
Orangutan Orange
County Work Crew Orange
Road Cone Orange
Hunters Orange
Glow in the Dark Neon Orange
Cheetos Orange
Baboon ass Orange
Pumpkin Orange
Orange peel Orange
Cheese Curl Orange
Nehi Soda Orange
Orange Crème
Infected Spider Bite Orange
Just plain Orange
Teal
Light Blue
Magenta
White
Off-White
Cream
And
Black
EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
But this is nothing….
You should see how many mascots they have…
Which we will discuss in a later article….
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: This past week Stewart Mandel of SI posted his list of the “Top Ten Best College Football Coaches of All-Time.”
Who was Number One?
Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant….
Which goes to show you even a gibbering idiot can get it right occasionally….
FLORIDA STATE: As Bobby Bowden and the Seminole Faithful wait patiently for word on their appeal to the NCAA on the 14 vacated wins…..
It’s important to remember…..
Coach Wally English….
That name doesn’t ring a bell?
He was the Coach for the Tulane Green Wave in 1983…..
The NCAA took two wins away from him that season for playing with what they determined as an ineligible player….
The NCAA said the Green Wave had one ineligible player…
It was the quarterback and the coach’s son…
John English…
But more importantly…..
One of those “wins” went to Bobby Bowden and Florida State….
That’s right….
One of Bobby’s 382 career victories….was actually a loss.
Never mind the 31 games Coach Bobby won at Samford that is counted towards his grand total or his “Big Win” in the Golden Isle Bowl against Gordon Junior College…
The date was September 17, 1983 and the final score was Tulane 34 Florida State 28…
Coach Bobby, according to the asterisk in the Seminole Media Guide, won the game by “forfeit”.
But according to an interview Coach Bobby did on November 9th 1983…
and I quote Coach Bobby….
“I wouldn’t mind getting a little forfeit; I’m getting to the coward stage and will accept a forfeit”
So now the NCAA wants to forfeit 14 Seminole wins from Bobby’s record because they said he used ineligible players.
I guess Coach Bobby has learned the first rule of the NCAA…..
The NCAA giveth and the NCAA taketh away……
SOUTH CAROLINA: This past week the Gamecocks “Self-Reported” 14 secondary violations relating to the football and other athletic programs at the University.
The national sports media couldn’t wait to promote that as a headline…
But what are the secondary violations?
Such heinous crimes as student athletes using expired meal cards….
Not returning their text books on time….
And…..
“Unauthorized” Snacks…..
EDITORS NOTE: Don’t be surprised if the NCAA doesn’t give them all the electric chair…
But yet not a single word from the national sports media about the status of the NCAA “Investigation” into Southern California and Reggie Bush…
Not a word….
But they couldn’t wait to promote “another” Southeastern Conference School as “Cheaters.”
EDITORS NOTE: My friends how much more are we going to take before we secede from the NCAA?
Coach Bobby, can I get an “Amen”?
ESPN: See “South Carolina” above, you cowards.
FOXSPORTS: Please see “ESPN” above….
SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: “If” you can read it….
Please see “South Carolina” above….
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: Read the above, Trojan lovers..
NCAA: So now that we are on the topic….
Where the hell are we with the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Make no mistake….
We aren’t going away…
NEWBERRY COLLEGE: Thanks to the NCAA….
The Newberry “Indians” were forced to drop their nickname in 2007 because it was deemed racist by the fine folks in Indianapolis.
Since that time….
Newberry has been unable to come up with a nickname that will satisfy the students, alumni and the NCAA.
So Newberry is a school without a mascot.
That’s why I am here….
Hence forth they will be known as….
The Newberry College “We don’t have a nickname because Myles Brand is a Jackass.”
EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It doesn’t sound very catchy…
But it has less profanity than my first choice….
FLORIDA: Good News and Some Bad news…..
The Good News….
Coach Urban Meyer isn’t going anywhere….
The Bad News…
Notre Dame is stuck with Coach Weis….
Sorry Charlie….
WASHINGTON: The Huskies are quietly loading up….
Remember you heard it here first….
COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME: On Saturday the College Football Hall of Fame will induct a number of notable names from college football.
Certainly all are worthy….
But I am very pleased that the committee finally got off their collective butts and elected Lou Holtz and the Great Billy Cannon of LSU into the Hall of Fame.
Congratulations….
It’s about damn time….
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously……
You folks aren’t on probation yet?
Do I need to show you a copy of the “lease” between the sports agent and Reggie’s Momma?
I will be glad too….
I am here to help….
EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: Mike now that your website is increasing in popularity, do you feel like all the publicity has changed you?
Melanie – Charleston, South Carolina
A: Well, in an effort to keep up with current culture I am considering changing one of my kid’s names to an inanimate object, like “toaster”.
And although I don’t make enough money to do something ”eccentric” like trying to buy the elephant man’s bones, I can report my Labrador retriever dug up a dead squirrel in the back yard.
Q: Mike I heard NCAA President Myles Brand is gravely ill, is that true?
Ben – Middleton, Kentucky
A: That was incorrectly reported Ben…
Actually he isn’t ill….
This past week a wooden steak narrowly missed Myles Brand’s heart and the entire staff of the NCAA went back to their coffins until the next full moon reaches its zenith, which of course means another NCAA investigation into a southern school.
Better luck next time Buffy….
Q: Dude, do you think this is the year USC will go undefeated in the PAC 10 and win the National Championship?
Jelly – Santa Clarita, California
A: USC isn’t in the PAC 10 dumbass…..
That is the University of South Carolina …
and in case you were wondering…
USC was an established university when Mexicans ran California….
Nice to know some things haven’t changed…
And by the way….
What kind of damn name is “Jelly”?
Q: OMG! You know Matthew McConaughey? Like for real?
You said he was your friend! Like OMG!
Can you please, please get me his autograph?
I LOVE him!
Please!
Tammy – New Orleans, Louisiana
A: Matthew warned me this would happen….
Q: Why are you making us wait?
Tell us who won the “new” Tennessee Dog Mascot Contest!
Come on and Tell Us!
Brad – Germantown, Tennessee
A: Sorry Brad, entries are still arriving weekly….
But the “Winner” of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot Contest will be announced in the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza…coming soon…
Q: Mike you strike me as a philosophical man….
So I have to ask you…
Is the Hokey Pokey what it is really all about?
Thanks….
Ryan – Washington, D.C.
A: Well Ryan, it all depends on what your definition of “Hokey Pokey” is…
However, I will tell you….
Be careful using that term if you are traveling in or around the San Francisco area…
It takes on a whole different meaning there…
And as an added safety tip….
If you drop your wallet in that city, I would suggest you kick it to Reno Nevada before you pick it up…
Q: Mike I really enjoy your articles on college mascots.
But it occurred to me that my Indiana University doesn’t have a “Hoosier” mascot.
What gives? Shouldn’t they have a mascot to represent the Hoosiers?
Thanks!
Roy – Fort Wayne, Indiana
A: Actually Roy….
Indiana “had” a Hoosier mascot until a few years ago….
Despite looking like the progeny of “Brutus” the Buckeye and “Lil Red” of Nebraska,
Like many mascots “Hansel” the Hoosier came into this world all cute and cuddly.
But unfortunately “Hansel” the Hoosier was arrested for breaking into Dugan’s Garage and huffing gasoline.
He is currently in Rehab and the University hopes he will be released in 2010.
Enclosed is Hansel’s picture captured by a surveillance camera in Dugan’s Garage.
It’s sad really….
Q: Sir I am confused….
Is the University of New Mexico known as the “Lobo’s” or the “Hobo’s”?
Thanks!
Ronnie – Carlsbad, New Mexico
A: Glad you asked Ronnie…..
The proper name and pronunciation of the mascot of the University of New Mexico is “Ho-Bo’s”, hope that has cleared up any misunderstand.
Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to say that there is a certain coach in a certain state that borders Georgia and North Carolina that really got a bum deal last year after getting beat by Wake, Alabama, and Maryland and others.
I mean, c’mon, this team got whipped by that devil Saban. Everybody knows he’s a lyin’ dog. He shouldn’t even be at Alabama after he said he wasn’t going there!! If he wouldn’t have been there, well, the school in question probably wouldn’t have got beat. And then Wake Forest!! Heck, they’re a ACC powerhouse. C’mon, that’s powerhouse with a capital ‘P’. And Maryland. Heck Ralph “the Fridge” Fridgeon is an offensive genius. He made the unnamed school’s defensive coach’s pull their hair out!
Maryland is just good like that.
Well, I just wanted to get that off my chest. This coach feels really, really bad about all that. He’s livin’ down on the beach in Florida now, mopin’ around, and wishing that all those alumni that gave him all that money to leave the unnamed school would have just kept their mouths shut. By the way, he’s looking for a school in the PAC 10 to coach at so he doesn’t have to win those dang National Championships. Those guys just want to make sure the participation rules are followed so that all their boys playing football still have high self esteem.
Sincerely,
Bommy Towden
A: Stop writing me Tommy…
Or I will get a restraining order…
Only 48 days until Kickoff….
Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…
Enjoy your weekend….
And as a side note…
Be careful Hank and get home safe and sound…
RTR
MEB