Ladies and Gentlemen –
We have a lot of ground to cover today…
So let’s not waste anytime on formalities here.
Enjoy your Update
BREAKING NEWS……
It has been reported that former Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer….
is the “Secret” witness in the investigation surrounding the death of David “Grasshopper” Carradine.
Evidence has been brought to the attention of your Favorite College Football Prognosticator to suggest Phil Fulmer knows more about the death of the Kung Fu Grasshopper than he might care to admit.
The Evidence: Exhibit “A”
Phil Fulmer was “missing” during the demise of the Grasshopper…
EDITORS NOTE: Please do not think this shred of information isn’t a big deal…
Phil Fulmer is the fifth largest mammal walking upright, so he is a little hard to “miss”…
And…
In case you were wondering…
The other Land Mammals larger than Phil are in the following order:
1. Polar Bear
2. Wynonna Judd – Kodiak Brown Bear (tie)
3. University of Kansas Coach Mark Mangino
4. Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis
The Evidence: Exhibit “B”
In the sexual harassment suit settled by the University of Tennessee in 1997 against Phil Fulmer by the team trainer, it is clear that Coach Phil has a “thing” for male genitalia and appears to engage in “unusual” practices regarding discipline.
This key piece of evidence alone may explain why the Kung Fu Grasshopper was found bound with his personal business exposed during his untimely death.
The Evidence: Exhibit “C”
Phil Fulmer is a Krispy Kreme addict in need of an Intervention…
EDITORS NOTE: Unless you have been living under a rock for the past 15 years…
No further evidence needs to be cited here.
The Evidence: Exhibit “D”
Phil Fulmer is a man that has demonstrated time and time again….
That he is driven by jealousy….
So I ask you…
Ladies and Gentlemen of the College Football Jury…
Who on the planet knew more about Kung Fu and the mystic arts of the orient than David “Snatch the Pebble from my Hand” Carradine?
Nobody…
My point exactly….
I submit that Phil Fulmer in a rage of jealousy while bingeing on Krispy Kreme Bear Claws tortured David “Grasshopper” Carradine for his “Snatch the Pebble Secrets” to return to the ranks of college football and more specifically as the Head Coach at the University Tennessee.
I rest my case….
EDITORS NOTE: Don’t laugh….
This is Exactly the same methodology the NCAA applies to their Investigations…
SEVEN QUESTIONS
You asked for it….
and Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator..
Delivered….
Seven Questions (unfiltered)
with….
The President of the NCAA…
Myles Brand
In his “secret” underground lair…
Beneath the NCAA Headquarters in Indianapolis, Indiana
Introductions:
CFW: I have never had to go through so many security check points and metal detectors in my life. Is there any reason for such strict security measures?
MB: How did you get in here? We know who you are!
CFW: Well, let’s get to it shall we?
MB: How in the Hell did you get in here!
I thought I was entertaining a kid from “Make-a-Wish”?
CFW: Well, I still feel like a kid and I have a “wish”, but let’s not squabble over details.
MB: This is egregious!
CFW: Well, that’s where you’re wrong; I’m Baptist
MB: Let’s get this over with, but my attorney’s will review this entire proceeding prior to publishing or I will put you on double secret probation and take away your scholarships!
CFW: I feel like I am trapped in a “Bozone Layer”…
MB: What is that?
CFW: A substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating…
MB: Never mind, let’s get this over with.
Question #1: So where are you with the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California?
Answer: That is rather difficult to explain in such a short period of time, but suffice to say we are continuing to look into the matter.
Question #2: That’s not an answer
Answer: Actually, the parties you mentioned have denied any wrong doing and frankly that is good enough for the NCAA.
Question #3: Let me be sure I got this right..
If you tell the truth, then you get punished.
If you lie about it, then it’s ok?
Answer: There is more to it than just that…
It has to do with revenue and other complicated factors.
Plus, I really like the Trojans.
Their mascot, you know that big white horse?
It kind of reminds me of my wife, with the long face, big teeth and funny ears.
Question #4: Speaking of mascots, why does the NCAA pressure universities and colleges to change their mascots? Who determines what is offensive and what isn’t?
Answer: It’s a complicated process, too complicated to explain here.
But I will give you a hint:
It involves a little game I like to call, “What’s that Smell?”
Question #5: I really want to ask a follow up question on this subject..
But I have to ask, why do you have a portrait of Adolph Hitler in your office?
Answer: You like that?
I have his portrait because he was misunderstood; sort of like me.
Question #6: Tell me you just didn’t compare yourself to Adolph Hitler?
Answer: After I fired Bobby Knight at Indiana, I was Fuhrer there you know…
I mean President..Any-Who…The Power of it all…I am sorry I am getting a little excited just thinking about it.
Question #7: The Harvard School of Business ranks the NCAA as the number one monopoly in the United States, ahead of Microsoft and OPEC. How do you respond to that?
Answer: I wonder how Harvard will like being on probation for the next ten years…
CFW: Why don’t you put yourself on probation jackass…
MB: Get this reprobate out of here!
EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The guy that strip searched me as I was leaving the NCAA Headquarters…..
was suprisingly gentle..
EDITORS NOTE Part II: And just for the record….
If I would have known then….
What he was planning for my beloved University….
He would have gotten an Alabama Ass Whipping..
TEAM NEWS
TENNESSEE: This is not a typo…
Coach “Lame” Kiffin of Tennessee committed yet another secondary recruiting violation this past week as was reported by the University.
However, Athletic Director Mike Hamilton showed no concern with the sixth violation in as many months.
He stated, “Coach Kiffin has gotten us (Tennessee) national exposure with his recruiting techniques and we support that.”
EDITORS NOTE: I guess consistantly showing your behind in the media “technically” counts as national exposure.
TENNESSEE Part II: Recently the Nashville Tennessean reported that the cost of the recent University of Tennessee recruiting class exceeded One Million Dollars for the sixteen players they recruited.
This article was followed closely with one by the University of Tennessee President announcing another considerable tuition hike for students.
EDITORS NOTE: Those folks really know how to put the “Bad” in “timing”…
PENN STATE: This week the brain trust at FoxSports announced that Coach Joe Paterno of Penn State “made over a million dollars last year…”
And another revelation from the FoxSports clue locker…
“Jo Pa makes more than the President of the University…”
EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
So I will say it for you….
No Shhhhhhhhhhhhh….Sherlock.
He makes more money that the President of the United States too..
So what’s your point dumbass?
FLORIDA STATE: This week the Seminoles will have to respond to the NCAA’s investigation…
(which the NCAA is keeping secret…….)
Regarding academic fraud by some members of their football team.
EDITORS NOTE: So how does a public institution that is “required” to pay dues to a “volunteer” organization respond to an investigation that neither they nor the public is allowed to see?
In case you were wondering….
This act by the NCAA violates Florida State Law…
But as we have shown…
The NCAA isn’t interested in following any laws….
Including their own.
MEMPHIS: As you know I don’t like to mix my sports together…
But frankly this was too good not to mention.
This week the NCAA has “leaked” that the University of Memphis is “guilty”…
(Without conducting an investigation…..)
Because their “preliminary” report indicates “wrong doing in regard to SAT test scores for incoming student athletes.”
EDITORS NOTE: Wow…..
That was fast….
Yet, you can’t find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House?
ALABAMA: The NCAA announced yesterday that the Alabama football team must vacate all wins in 2005 through 2007 that included players involved in violations of textbook disbursement policy.
The NCAA will also place Alabama on three more years of probation and Alabama will have to pay a fine to the NCAA.
The issue is related to student athletes selling their text books as opposed to returning them to the book store, as well as getting books for other students on their student athlete accounts.
The NCAA stated that this “scandal” resulted in the athletes receiving “several hundred dollars” over the span of time for selling their text books, that they are required to return. Additionally, they used their status as student athletes to purchase nearly three thousand dollars of text books for non-student athletes over three years.
EDITORS NOTE: Almost three thousand dollars? Really?
So that “infraction” results in the loss of wins for “all” those games?
I have a question for the NCAA…
If this is the penalty for this kind of infraction…
What are you going to do to the Southern California Trojans?
And as a side note….
I will detail this “Investigation” in a Commentary article next week….
It will have the answers you all seek….
And….
The solution to this Issue….
Stay Tuned My Friends…
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Based on the “heinous” offenses decribed above…
If their is any justice north of the Red River…
I would say you all are looking at losing your ass…
NCAA: We are all waiting to see what you are going to do to the University of Southern California over the Reggie Bush Investigation that has been going on…..
How long now?
Or is it just us cheating folks in the South you like to jump on?
But before I forget to mention it…
“NO”….
I won’t let this go until I take my last dying breath…
EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: My name is Claudie and I am 86 years young and I live in Lawety Florida.
I am a life long Gator fan and I think Tim Tebow is about the most handsome boy I ever saw.
If I was about 65 years younger I would give those girls in Gainesville a run for their money!
Claudie – Lawety, Florida
A: Why Lawety Miss Claudie!
Q: Now you gone and done it!
You still got to be a making the fun at Coach Fulmer!
He only the greatist coach ever to walk along them sidelines at Neyland Stadium!
We know why you done it too!
Cause you scared of Coach Fulmer!
Mamie Sue – Erwin, Tennessee
A: It’s not that I am scared of Phil Fulmer the former football coach…
I’m scared of Phil Fulmer the obese food pantry and donut ninja.
Q: Mike, where the heck has Hootie Snitch been?
Is he still a “guest” writer for your column?
Thanks!
Chuck – Lake Charles, Louisiana
A: Hootie will return soon..
He has been busy lately…
Believe it or not……
He is trying out for a show at Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”….
EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
That song is in your head too, isn’t it?
Sorry….
Q: Mike are you serious?
Is there really such a thing as “The President of Texas”?
Barbara – Liberty, Texas
A: Barbara there will be after I take office…
Q: Mike we haven’t heard anything about your sister-in-law in a while.
What has she been up too?
Karla – Cheyenne, Wyoming
A: I haven’t gotten a letter from Cowboy Country in awhile Karla, thank you for writing..
As you might have heard, the Horn Paste I bought her last year on her birthday for her “calcium deposits” caused a rash on her head that the folks at the Clemson Veterinary School can’t identify yet.
However, the “corrective” sandals I got her for that one foot that looks like a hoof seems to be working..
Or as I like to call this little story: “A Win-Win”….
Q: Mike that video of the Evergreen State “Geoduck” mascot was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen.
As if the picture you posted wasn’t bad enough!
Cindy – Conway, Arkansas
A: I know Cindy….
I think the only thing more disturbing would be if it crapped ice cream…
Sorry for the visual…
Q: Mike, How in the world is “Fighting Okra” supposed to scared anybody?
What are those folks at Delta State thinking?
Matt – Russelville, Kentucky
A: Don’t rush to judgement on this one Matt…
Have you ever seen “Boiled” Okra?
Its pretty scary…
Q: Dear Mr. Wizard,
I was readin the paper today and saw where the President of that college up in Obknoxville was real proud of his football coach, Mr. Lane Kiffin, about him shootin his mouth off, gettin on the front page of USA Today, and makin’ a general ass of himself.
He said Mr. Lane Kiffin was just misunderstood.
Do you think he was misunderstood or do you think that boy is about a brick or two shy of a full load?
Whenever I get in a situation where I could look like a butt horn, I just ask myself…
“What would Tim Tebow do?”
By the way..
Ain’t “Lane” a girls name? And would you like playing football in the SEC for a guy that may be named after a girl? And if he was named after his momma wouldn’t that make him Lane Jr.?
He does look kind of effeminate, you know. I don’t even think he shaves yet.
Tracy in Homosassa, Florida
A: That’s what I like about you Tracy; You’re a Philosopher.
Q: Mike what kind of team is the University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors going to have this year?
Thanks!
Aloha!
Gary – Honolulu, Hawaii
A: Since the “new” coaching staff at the Uniersity of Hawaii dismissed graduate assistant Coach Brian Kajiyama from the football team, I hope they lose every damn game.
if they hire him back we can talk…
But on the plus side…
Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the air…
Which I am most pleased about..
Only 83 days left until Kickoff of the 2009 College Football Season…
Lean into it..
RTR
MEB