Ladies and Gentlemen –
I regret to inform you that Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator isn’t immune to the new government regulations concerning “Cancel Culture” and “Woke-ness”.
So, for the first time in The CFB Wizard History, this year’s College Football Preseason Extravaganza will be conducted by the new Federal Government Office; The Joint Administration for Cooperative Communist Knowledge, and Alternative Simplistic Socialism or most commonly referred to as:
“JACCK ASS”
I will be “allowed” to make a few comments at the end of this article, and (hopefully) I will be “allowed” to return in time for the first week’s 2021 college football picks.
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD
Hello, my name is Dr. Utopias M. Lozier PhD, and I am the JACCK ASS Director, and we are momentarily replacing this neanderthal who clearly exhibits all the signs of promoting white privilege through his sophomoric attempt at humor and disparaging and hurtful words towards all human beings on planet earth.
We have taken his basic format, although ridiculous, which you are familiar with and improved it with OUR own verbiage of socially appropriate and politically correct language and direction.
It’s a new world of acceptance BUT to be accepting we must cancel our old way of thinking and those decisions of what and who and what gets cancelled are left up to US in the department of JACCK ASS.
So, for starters this article will NOT be called the “Preseason College Football Extravaganza”, that is hardly inclusive and quite frankly racist.
We JACCK ASS’s, have decided upon calling it the “College Football Trans-A-Ganza” in honor of all the trans-athletes that have been excluded from athletic competition by racists and narrow-minded homophobic goons.
Open your minds and be accepting of this wonderful article we JACCK ASS’s have prepared.
We Know Where You Live
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
Unfortunately, we were unable to gather any college football news from either CNN or MSNBC.
PRESEASON EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
A: STOP right there!
IF you want to communicate your racist KKK language then go somewhere else!!!
Q: Dear Sir –
A: We are NOT going to answer your question you sexist jerk!
Q: Hey Man!
A: YOU people better start using non-binary sexual terminology, or YOU will be Shut Down!
2021 PRESEASON COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS
THE BIG TEN CONFERENCE
OHIO STATE: Although we support the university’s promotion of the use of cannabis for all by displaying marijuana leaves on their football helmets.
However, quite frankly the term “Buckeye” needs to be canceled because it’s a “Nut” and that is terribly offensive to persons with mental illnesses and those suffering from trauma from catching a glimpse of Fox News.
WISCONSIN: This so-called university clearly supports “Bullying” of transgendered, Asians and LGBTQI persons by calling themselves “Badgers”.
After all, what is a “Badger”, but a “Bully”.
They are cancelled.
INDIANA: Since no one really knows what a “Hoosier” actually is, we must assume that it is a racist white supremacy term used to further humiliate persons of color and alternative binary lifestyles.
Cancelled!
MICHIGAN: We were unaware that Michigan was still playing football, this must be a formatting error.
PENN STATE: To our knowledge, a “Nittany Lion” is transgendered feline that decided to “Come Out” with a non-sexual binary name such as “Nittany.” This bold and aggressive approach to inclusiveness is why they are OUR choice to win the conference title.
THE BIG 12 CONFERENCE
OKLAHOMA: After careful consideration we cannot support a nickname like “Sooners” that represents “whiteness” moving across America and enslaving indigenous persons.
Also, too, we were aghast that they use mock firearms in their celebrations!
We cannot image the terror and mental damage these mock weapons have caused children!
Our committee wept from seeing the videos of such wanton disregard for peace.
Cancelled!
TEXAS: Apparently NO ONE in Texas is aware that eating meat is bad for the environment and has been proven by SCIENCE to contribute to climate change and roving animals such as cows, like their mascot, are destroying the ozone layer with their flatulence.
We will NOT even address their cannon that is FIRED during games!
It is TOO Horrible to discuss at this juncture.
The Longhorns are officially cancelled.
TEXAS TECH: “Red Raiders”, really?
A mascot that rides a horse and discharges not one BUT two handguns DURING the game!
What is WRONG with TEXANS!
During our team’s research into this terrible university, we had three team members leave in tears to retire to their “Safe Space” and one team member was simply inconsolable and cried hysterically for the remainder of the day.
Cancelled! Cancelled! Cancelled!
TEXAS CHRISTIAN: We CANNOT support a university that uses such a closed-minded word such as “Christian” that does NOT represent inclusion and diversity. “IF” the university would consider renaming the university:
“Texas Muslim University”
We would accept such a progressive move and fully support your inclusion into the new world order.
But until then, consider yourselves cancelled.
WEST VIRGINIA: This state consistently votes for republican candidates and that alone is reason enough to cancel this university.
“IF” you need any further evidence, look no further than their mascot.
A WHITE MAN with a gun, really?
When that mascot’s photo was brought before our prestigious progressive group, we immediately called crisis counselors to deal with the fall-out from the trauma of seeing a white man brandishing a weapon.
Also, too, we had a drum circle in the middle of the conference room to clear the cosmos of negative energy before we continued on.
We can NOT in good conscience choice a potential conference champion from this conference.
THE PAC 12 CONFERENCE
STANFORD: This wonderfully progressive university and their marvelously diversity marching band and mascot, was nearly our choice for the conference title.
However, their university is named after a RACIST, not that we have all the information, but nonetheless WE have decided that he is and was a RACIST!
So have no other choice to cancel them unless they take our recommendation of renaming the university to; “George Floyd Memorial University”
OREGON STATE: Surely, you DO NOT expect us to even address this universities mascot!
“Beavers”
This is so offensive to transgendered persons that we our entire JACCKASS committee had to take a three hour break to chant, burn peace candles and stage a protest against Israel.
Cancelled!
OREGON: This magnificent and progressively socially aware university is our choice to place second in the conference. Their support for the Portland riots last year and the burning of the Federal Building nearly tipped our group in their favor.
However, they have a bird (duck) for a mascot and that is hurtful to vegans and vegetarians.
That was the deciding factor in our decision-making process.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Not only is this remarkable university OUR choice to win the conference but to win the National Championship too!
How did we come to this conclusion?
Look no further than the thousands of illegal immigrants flooding into California receiving free EVERYTHING! They are defunding the police AND raised gas prices over five dollars a gallon to prevent people from driving, to save the planet from global warming and climate change!
And! Their mascot promotes safe sexual encounters for all persons!
We don’t need to mention their inclusive and progressive openness to LBGTQI Rights!
You, ignorant college football fans “may” be thinking – But they won’t win enough games!
The PAC 12 Conference is considering “sharing” team wins between each university!
This is the perfect utopian socialism that WE are proposing!
Southern California WILL be chosen as the Championship!
“Who” will they play?
Read On
THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE
CLEMSON: Where is “Clemson” located?
South Carolina!
Racist!
Cancelled!
NORTH CAROLINA: After very careful deliberation we CAN NOT condone or support or even discuss a team that uses a portion of a person of color’s foot as a nickname.
Cancelled!
MIAMI: Science has proven that Hurricanes attack minorities and people of color and transgendered people more than anyone else in their path. For this reason alone, we must cancel them.
NOTRE DAME: At least this university mascot is accurate and represents their lack of inclusiveness.
Drunken (“white”) Irishmen, “fighting”; Translated committing violence against minorities, immigrants and non-binary and homosexuals.
However, promoting their “In Your Face” whiteness is simply unforgiveable.
Cancelled!
FLORIDA STATE: Initially we felt this was another formatting error, because our committee was unaware the university was in fact still playing football. However, upon further review their support for indigenous persons of color has led us to choose them as the winner of the conference this year.
THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE
ALABAMA: There is simply no point in sugar coating it.
This team simply wins too much and is not concerned with other team’s feelings and emotions.
Celebrating “winning” should not be tolerated or celebrated.
Cancelled!
LSU: After a brief phone interview with Coach Ogre-on we simply couldn’t understand what he was attempting to explain or say to us or provide coherent answers to our committee’s questions.
We do however salute the university hiring a coach with mental disabilities and speech difficulties.
GEORGIA: A team that proudly call themselves the “Bulldogs” is terribly offensive to those people that are allergic to dogs and equally offensive to people that have cats for pets and men that wear skinny jeans.
This level of offensiveness should never be tolerated or condoned.
Cancelled!
TEXAS A&M: Let’s clarify what the term “Aggie” actually means. It’s an abbreviation for “Agriculture”
That outdated system is killing the planet! Destroying the Ozone Layer and is Racist!
If that isn’t enough evidence, their “marching band” is dressed in army military uniforms!
Then they fire a cannon during the game!
Military!
Guns!
Agriculture!
ALL RACIST!
Cancelled!
VANDERILT: As the world held its breath and witnessed last year, this amazingly progressive university had the first transgendered athlete in college football history kickoff and kick an extra point for the football team.
It was the two kicks heard around the world!
The seven foot eight inches tall, 298-pound Sara Fullness stood before the world and demonstrated that transgendered athletes everywhere should be celebrated for their achievements.
We support “Her” on the amazing journey that “She” in on!
This is why our committee has proudly chosen this team to play Southern California for the Championship of College Football!
The National Championship Game
Vanderbilt – Southern California
There will not be a winner chosen in this contest because that is neither socialist nor progressive.
Both of these teams will equally share the title after a game played practicing social distancing and will conclude with presenting each team a peace quilt and a brief protest against the police.
One More Thing…….
Well, that was certainly different.
Unless something else happens here, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have the first week of the 2021 College Football Picks out (Just as you have come to expect…) in two weeks right before the first week of the College Football Season.
More Later (We hope) …So Stay Tuned
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD