Ladies and Gentlemen –
This week, we have a few bowl games to discuss that will take you through Christmas.
So, break out the spiked eggnog, add a little extra “spike” and enjoy the quiet solitude in your home before Aunt Edna shows up tomorrow with her sick cat and that horrible casserole that smells like a wet mop.
Let’s get to it
Enjoy Your Picks…
I recognize that it’s hard to keep up week after week with what games are “on” and which ones are not. It hasn’t been easy for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator either.
But that aside, Championship week ended with The CFB Wizard going 22 and 3 or 88%.
That leaves, us here at The CFB Wizard Headquarters (LLC) at 479 and 98 or 83% for the 2020 Kung Flu College Football Season.
And before you ask, “No” I don’t write the picks with a damn mask on and “Doc” The World-Famous Black Lab doesn’t wear one either.
Just so you know
CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP
Please remember during this Holiday Season, more specifically this Christmas, that if in the spirit of the season you feel the need to shout “Ho-Ho-Ho”, be aware that it is entirely possible that a number of Missouri Cheerleaders will suddenly appear on your doorstep.
Consider yourselves warned.
HOOTIE SNITCH’S CHRISTMAS CAROL
It wouldn’t be Christmas here at The CFB Wizard, without hearing from the self-promoting “Number 1 Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet”, Mister Hootie Snitch of Baneberry Tennessee with his “unique” version of “A night Before Christmas”
Week-end before Christmas, just played A&M
Not a Vol fan was stirring, season came to an end
The losses were piled up, like cordwood this year
No hope for the future, cause Pruitt’s still here
Vol fans were all restless, they’d had bout enough
They’d drank lots a beer, they’d choked on their snuff
With my neighbor passed out, and me about done
I was just about ready to reach for my gun
Ole Fulmer was plottin, of that I’m quite sure
Bout a story to sell, that was full of manure
He’d say that the CO-VID had caused us great pain
And that we were not loyal, if we did complain
But who in the world did we lose to all year?
Arky and Auburn, Kentucky, oh dear!
With Pruitt in charge, we sunk like a tank
And with each coming week, a loss you could bank
We need us a coach, that can run R-P-O
We need a head man, to make our offense go
Get Gruden, get Kiffin, get Schiano, get Freeze!
Just get rid of Pruitt, and do it fast PLEASE!!!
Get him outta this town, ride him out on a rail!
If he puts up a fuss, well just put him in jail!!!
When he mentions a buyout, well put him in touch
With Jim Haslem’s money, he won’t see it as much!!!
So, hit the man up, and please don’t delay
With a sack full of money, ole Haslem can pay
And if he gets mad, cause we hit him again
Just let him know, all the fans will chip in
We need us a coach, who can make a game plan
Who ain’t lost in the sauce, ain’t a flash in the pan
Who knows X’s and O’s, and who likes the wheel route
And when falling behind, he ain’t gonna freak out
He’ll recruit those 5 stars, he’ll bring them on in
A real up and comer, not a washed up has been
He’s gotta start hot, got to make a fast start
And when we play Bama, we can’t fall apart
He’ll jump on this job, and he’ll give us a boost
We’ll love him to death, when he’s introduced
And we know it will be, a love at first sight
So Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!!!
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
AUBURN: Below is the complete list of coaches that are interested in becoming the Head Football Coach of the Auburn Tigers.
TENNESSEE: Meanwhile on Rocky Top….
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF COMMITTEE: Perhaps you are as confused as I am as to the decision (or non-decision) making process the committee conducted to select the “Four” teams for the college football playoff.
I think this explains it quite well
ARMY: Speaking of “playoffs”, The Black Knights of the Hudson at West Point Military Academy finished the season at 9 and 2.
In case you were counting that is “5” more games than Ohio State played all year and Army is NOT going to a bowl game this year.
Let that sink in for a minute.
THE YEAR 2020: In the event you need any additional evidence of the insanity that was the year 2020.
The talking heads on ESPN have squawked that “Nobody wants two Southeastern Conference teams in the college football playoffs”, but they have no problem putting Notre Dame in the group of four teams the day after they were beaten by 24 points in the conference championship game.
That is the year 2020 in a nutshell
THE AP POLL: I have an idea that will help college football, seriously I do.
Let’s start with this:
Anyone that had cast a ballot at the beginning of the year that placed Michigan, Wisconsin and Penn State in the Top 10 (Remember that?) should have their voting rights in the AP Poll taken away from them for five years.
Sounds reasonable doesn’t it?
THE LAST OF THE 2020 CFB WIZARD PROGNOSTICATIONS: As we close out the college football season, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has a few bold predictions to share with you.
TEXAS: Urban Liar will not be coming to Austin, sorry.
NOTRE LAME: Will NOT win the National Championship this year, “not” sorry.
TENNESSEE: Volunteer Athletic Director “Fat” Phil Fulmer will concoct a scheme to fire Coach Jeremy Pruitt to prevent them from paying his buyout and welcome Hugh “Sleaze” Freeze to Knoxville.
HEISMAN TROPHY: Believe it or not, Vanderbilt’s Sara Fuller will get votes for the Heisman Trophy.
No, I am not joking. Wait and see
Lastly, sometime before the New Year, “Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab will insist that I refer to him as “Black Dynamite” after he watches the original classic 70’s movie “Shaft.”
THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
I cannot begin to express how offended I was last week over your blatant disregard of the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl mascot “Spuddy Buddy” and your comparing him to a talking piece of poop on South Park.
For your information, “Spuddy Buddy” is a wonderful gender-neutral mascot that is not only loved by many, but the miniature Spuddy Buddy’s that are sold during the bowl game have been described as “fun to play with by all ages.”
In fact, I have my very own “Spuddy Buddy” that I not only play with on occasion, but also doubles as my emotional support friend.
Please refrain from slandering this iconic mascot in the future.
Thomas – Boise, Idaho
A: Thomas, just as a general safety tip
Don’t mash your tators when you are playing with your Spuddy Buddy
You Are Welcome
Q: Dear Sir,
As the premier voice of ESPN, I think an explanation is in order for how the College Football Playoff Committee came up with their grand and glorious picks for the upcoming playoffs.
As Leo, of Grease fame once, uttered, “The rules are, there ain’t no rules”! And THAT’S the philosophy the CFB Committee took to get the most palatable, lucrative matchups for this years competition!!!
It was so simple, it was genius! I mean, let’s look at the teams. Yeah, Alabama and Clemson were back once again. But, honestly, does anybody REALLY want to see that rematch for like the hundredth time outside of Alabama or South Carolina?
But let’s look at the delicious lineup of 3 and 4 teams that were selected. Ohio State at number 3 was a no brainer (after we decided, like the Big 10) to change the rules so that they could compete. I mean, what’s 4 games among friends? They were totally spectacular all season. AND they totally annihilated Indiana by 7 and destroyed Northwestern (a Big 10 juggernaut) in the conference Championship game.
Notre Dame? Well all they did was walk the dog with an undefeated season in the highly regarded and tough ACC. They KILLED Clemson during the regular season in double overtime.
And, in the ACC Championship, they were barely beaten by a 34-10 score in the rematch with Clemson. And, let’s face it, who DOESN’T want to see a Clemson-Notre Dame rematch part III? NOBODY!!! So, tell everyone to settle down, buckle up, and lets get set for a truly thrilling and inclusive College Football Playoff!!!
A: I bet all you guys made up your own rules as kids playing Monopoly too, didn’t you?
Q: Hey Mr. Wizard!
With all the things you are doing this time of the year, what do you and “Doc” do time to relax?
Thanks, and Merry Christmas!!
Christine – Gulf Shores, Alabama
A: Well, Miss Christine, unlike Thomas in the first Email
I won’t be playing with my damn Spuddy Buddy, I can tell you that much
I am Michael Comerford, President of the Heisman Trophy Board of Trustees.
As you know, history was made this year when a brave and courageous young woman lined up to pooch a kick in a Vanderbilt football game. We were, as I’m sure you and your readers were, all mesmerized by this noteworthy moment in history where an intrepid and daring young woman, despite the perils of facing behemoths facing her, beautifully pooched a kick to the opposing team.
Then, two weeks later, there she was again. Her indomitable spirit was again on display as she boldly lined up to kick an extra point. This amazing kick was true and clean, even as the massive and colossal defensive linemen lined up to block, in vain, this momentous kick.
It is for this reason that we are opening the Heisman Trophy voting up to include Sarah Fuller for consideration. Also, we want the entire world to know that our wokeness will not be overshadowed by anyone or anything.
Michael J. Comerford
President, Heisman Trophy Board of Trustees
A: Remember what I always say,
“If You ant to go broke, just go Woke”
THE BOWL GAMES PART I
Tuesday, December 22
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Nevada and Tulane
I don’t know what “Doc” had been watching on television this morning.
But I swear he just said, “Don’t be a Jive Turkey, go with…”
(I am going to have put the parental controls back on the remote)
Boca Raton Bowl
Central Florida and Brigham Young
I would title this game “Morons verses Mormons”
(Yeah, I just totally made that up)
Wednesday, December 23
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Louisiana Tech and Georgia Southern
During this year of The Kung Fu Flu,
I am suspect with any Bowl game that has the word “Carrier” in it.
FREE BIRDS 34-31
Memphis and Florida Atlantic
I do love me some Montgomery, Alabama
I can almost smell that Dream Land barbeque from here.
ELVIS’S TIGERS 41-38
Thursday, December 24
New Mexico Bowl
Hawaii and Houston
I cannot (Not) go against My Boy’s from H-Town.
(I said the above statement out loud and “Doc” started flashing gang signs)
I have to start being a more responsible parent
Friday, December 25
The Camellia Bowl
Buffalo and Marshall
Another Bowl game in Beautiful Montgomery Alabama
I have Dream Land barbeque on the brain now
BUFFALO WILD WINGS 34-31
Saturday, December 26
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl
South Carolina and Alabama Birmingham
The title of this Bowl game confuses me
You got a home mortgage company pared with a foot fungus
I don’t get it
Liberty and Coastal Carolina
Well, apparently “they” haven’t “cured” a damn thing…
or people won’t be driving around with masks on.
CAROLINA BIRDS 41-34
SERVPRO First Responder Bowl
Louisiana Lafayette and Texas San Antonio
Here we go again with the bowl sponsor pairings
I don’t understand how an industrial cleaning service pairs with first responders.
I am missing something here
RAJUN CAJUNS 38-34
Lending Tree Bowl
Western Kentucky and Georgia State
So, there is a tree that leans people money?
In the immortal words of Cousin Eddie in “Christmas Vacation”
“Are you serious Clark?”
Your College Football Bowl Picks Part II will be out on Tuesday (29th) of next week before New Year’s.
You Are Welcome America
I “hope” to have a “new” on Mikerights.com before Christmas, but in the event, I run out of time there are plenty of Christmas stories on the website for you to enjoy.
There is more on the way next week
So, Stay tuned
One More Thing….
Whatever you celebrate
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas, or a Happy Hanukah or a Kooky Kwanza.
“Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab and I are very thankful for you readers and we both appreciate you all more than you know.
THE CFB WIZARD